Bipolar Check-in #81

I was up for most of the night with a stomach ache. Feeling exhausted right now. Supposed to go to coffee with Noah this morning. He said he’d call me.

My anxiety was for sure from the Prilosec. I feel fine today. My stomach is fine too. I've managed a couple glasses of chai latte and a breakfast sandwhich just fine. The itchness is gone too. I slept good last night but I did wake up a couple times but not for long. I had some dream where I was at a wedding and everyone had to wear nothing but towels. I got up at 6 something and I fixed my freezer. The only thing of mine that is still a real mess. My closet is done and my pantry and soda collection are done. So it was just the freezer. I got it fixed. Today I just have to do laundry I think.

Good morning, I slept good. Waiting for some packages to come.

Enjoying a relaxing day doing whatever I want. Tomorrow I have my volunteer shift with the rescue cats. I feel pretty good, gonna try to get myself on the treadmill today.

I read for an hour this morning. Gonna spend some time with my boyfriend later. I forget whether he works today or not. If he does then we’ll just spend time together tomorrow

My apartment building finally has a housing specialist again so they finally put out a calendar of activities. I’m gonna be helping with two of them.

First event coming up is coffee/juice morning this coming Monday in the community room. I’m gonna go to that.

I’m gonna clean some today and try to practice violin as well. I feel pretty motivated today.

My current pharmacy called me to tell me they’re closing and merging with one that’s quite a bit farther away from me. So that sucks. Now my pharmacy trips are gonna take much longer because I’ll have to take the bus and walk as well instead of just walking down the street. It’s a bus ride and a 20 minute walk there after that at the new one. So annoying and inconvenient. If I had a car it’d be just a 5 minute drive there. But I don’t drive. I think in the winter time I might just take an Uber there and back whenever I need to pick up my meds cause I know I won’t feel like walking in feet of snow and ice and dealing with the bus.

Wow blue bird! That’s a long way away. Yeah everyone assumes that everyone has cars. I’m sorry. What an inconvenience.

Just an insane couple of days. My ex-mother in law called to tell me my ex isn't doing well at all.

Possible trigger:

He went BACK out in the streets using after getting beat up last week really bad, to get beat up a SECOND time even worse, this time with two black eyes, a broken nose, and some broken ribs. And they took his shirt and shoes.

The hospital wouldn't admit him because he knows exactly how to talk to doctors to not get admitted. My ex MIL is at her end, she really wants him institutionalized because he just can't handle life on his own.

Personally for me, I took it hard. I just cried and cried and prayed for him. I know when she calls me it is triggering, and the best thing would be to block her number, but I have such history with them, I just don't have it in me to do that. It's been a painful couple of days but I've made it through with friends, family and my AA group. The most positive thing isn't I didn't go drink in all my sadness, which is the thing my boyfriend was the most concerned about.

Today is going to be a good day. I've decided to give my ex to God and find healing in my heart.

Possible trigger:

I really believe he will die out there though.

and I am trying to make peace with that. Hope everyone has a really good day today, my bipolar symptoms are doing really good since I got about 10 hours uninterrupted sleep last night. I think I will accomplish a lot today.

@LadyShadow
That's so tough with your ex. It's hard to let all that history go. Awesome job on not drinking though.

Coffee went really well with Noah. We always find something to talk about! I came home and took an hour and a half nap to catch up from last night.

Did they call it coffee because they ate the beans and said “I’m coughy”?

And spilled the beans and said “this is how we control the world”

But yeah, I’m good. Had a very good night . I learned a lot, and now I know how to do something’s never thought to be done or at least never tried because of danger and exposes

I wanted a forever nap earlier, but now I just want an owl to bring me mail.

For all those concerned I have been talking with the as needed peeps at my mental health center. She doesn’t understand what I’m saying which is good, but she could be playing dumb fishing dor me to keep explaining. I don’t know if I should tell her I see each atom. Those crazy sub shells. Watch me as I integrate ha ha ha ha ha

What the fk??? I tried not to believe it, but I was saying it just in case, but your questions just say it all. Yes I am in the hospital but not being seen. I am seeing. The dots are connecting. They already were connected but now I know. This is PROOF. JUST TELL ME. I KNOW JUST TELL ME.

I AM WRITING! I JUST DONT LNOW MY FAVORITE PHILOSOPHERS NAMES SPELLING. THE BLUE DUDE.

I am on page 4 of the day. But I forget stuff and I don’t know how protons form neutrons. Energy applied becomes mass I guess

You’re gonna yell at me later. Well not yell, but try and see if I’ll let you know that I know what you know and that you do know that I know.

But I won’t. I’ve kept secrets for years.

I read too late into the soft night again. But I did sleep, until 10:30! My phone was exploded with text messages. Managed to go to the store, getting used to the rental, not so afraid to drive it any more. It’s a nice car but black on black! Not in the summer time! I’ll be glad when I get my car back!

Muddy I’m glad you’re at the hospital. Play nice with the staff, you know they are not your intellectual equivalent.

I'm not at the hospital anymore. I just listened to music in a waiting room. I'm okay now. It's a bush-person that said my mom tried to drown me. I mean, not like Groot tree people, but just a person flowing through the bushes. I gave up on worrying about being spied on. Out of my control. I'm spying on me because I am a master and I am a slave, but my body atoms are still pressing on not my body atoms are pressing on other people's atoms so anything one person knows another does. That's why environments are environments and vibes are vibes. Vibrations and friction. Counteracting weakforces. Why fuse hydrogen when there are atoms with more protons and neutrons? If a singularity has a mass limit of a lot and therefore an energy limit of a lot, we could fuse way larger atoms than hydrogen. How do we get event horizon energy for the next chicken that escapes the coop? I just know I need to escape, but I don't know on what level. Library level wasn't big enough. Town level isn't. State level? Region level? Country level? Continent level? Planetary level? Solar system level? Galaxy level? Universe level? Existence level? Energgy cannot be created or destroyed, but my aunt said to transfer mine into a noodle. I hope this noodle doesn't boil.

But yeah, hospital was fun. Didn't know the security guard so that's cool. Lady tested my spatial awareness, and someone told me the library was closing in 10 minutes which I already knew but I didn't notice the red fluid in the lights.
Cause cowboy dan's a major player in the cowboy scene
goes to the reservation drinks and gets mean
he's gonna start a war
goes to the desert fires his rifle in the sky and says
God, if I have to die, you will have to die

irony is the drunk died walking down the street by hit and run

edit: Sorry I am going on and on and posting wayy too much Going to get my journal. (literally had to delete a huge paragraph after this)

I know like most of us here @MuddyBoots are worried about you - your posts are way beyond manic. How did get out of the hospital? Please get yourself somewhere where you can be stabilized.

I am freaking out because of this storm rolling through. I get really get scared during big storms because I live alone and I am not really prepared for them. I have candles, flashlights and bottled water but that's about it. I know hurricane season is upon us here on the East Coast, so it's becoming a bigger concern.

Still having thoughts of my ex and hoping he's okay. More and more I know it's out of my control, but he was just such a huge part of my life for such a long time. I still love him, and it hurts I guess. : (

Other than that, moodwise I am really good. Spoke to a friend today while I cleaned up my place and moved a bunch of songs for my playlist for my car. I accomplished a lot, and I feel really good, just worried about this storm. Getting ready to spend the night with my boyfriend watching Netflix, so hopefully its a good night and this storm just passes. Have a wonderful evening everyone!

I had a lazy day as it is too hot to go out. I'm having trouble with my activities of daily living. Today all i got done was i cleaned my glasses. I think of that t-shirt that says, "It's okay if all you did today was breathe." It's comforting.

We have one more day of extreme heat, then it cools off.

I feel so depressed in the morning, then it improves in the afternoon, and in the evening i feel okay. Anyone else have this? It's so hard to get out of bed in the morning when i know i have such hours and hours of unpleasantness to get thru before i feel okay again.

Has anyone watched clean comedian Jim Gaffigan's special "Beyond the Pale" on Netflix? I so like it!

Worried about MuddyBoots, but i guess there is nothing i can do. I've noticed that my support group director does not try and reason with psychotic people. I guess it is not advisable. I saw in MuddyBoots' other thread that she has really tried hard with different meds. I'm treatment-resistant too but i'm grateful that mine work to relieve at least 50% of my bipolar. I can have a manageable life on meds. It's not meaningful and there's little pleasure but



Well, i guess all we can do re MuddyBoots is wish her well and hope she finds her way and offer our support here.

My air conditioning is wonderful!

Hugs to all the anxious people on Earth!

So of course my son is unstable again and not sleeping, and is very grumpy.

I told him it's bc you're vaping 50 mgs of nicotine as well as drinking a ton of coffee. He said it's not that. It's that his meds aren't working correctly. He's on super high doses of 4 differnt antipsychotics. He's exhausting.

I barely got any sleep so I took the extra doxepin and got like 2 hours. I can't lose sleep. It makes me go mixed.

Alright Ive got the Sunday night blues just thinking about work this coming week. Twice this past week I had 2 different teachers enter my classroom telling my classes they’re too loud. Easy when you teach seniors! I’d swap a Year 12 class with 8 students for my Year 7 - 25 in a class any day!

I am trying to let go of what others think of me when they walk past my classroom but then shyt like this happens and it just brings me down again. Mood is okay-ish. Anxiety is not. I had 1 coffee this morning and I was going to leave it at 1 but then my partner went and bought me a latte when we were out and I didn’t want to be rude so I drank it.

Went and got my nails done today. Feeling better about that. I got them a bright pink coat with tips that are almond shaped.

Looking forward to Spring starting next month. It’s been so cold in the mornings here when I wake up it’s been such a struggle to jump in the shower. I know a month won’t make much difference with the weather but still.

Has anyone been watching the Olympics? I watched the dismal opening ceremony then this morning my son and I were watching replays of the swimming. He’s going for Canada 🇨🇦 because on Friday he has to wear red and white for their flag. He’s really excited.

I can just feel I’m going to be awake at 4:00am. I always am on a work morning. This morning I managed to sleep in until 6:30am. It was such bliss!

A friend called so I cut back my post. If my son keeps going at the rate he is, he could get copd, have a heart attack or worse. What would you guys do? My sister said just to raise my concerns to the guy in charge and do what he thinks is best.

I'm going to talk about food so I'm placing a part that talks about it.

Good morning friends. I went to bed way too early so I woke up around 3am and have been up since then and am just up for the day. I have a volunteer shift with the rescue cats today. Looking forward to it. Other than that not much going on, just gonna play the Digimon TCG with my boyfriend later since he has today off work.

Just gonna meditate some and watch some shows before I head out today. I was gonna exercise but I don't feel like it right now. Maybe after I get home.

HUGS to all of you struggling

@lady_shadow
I know what it feels like to have a storm coming your way. It stresses me out big time. Do they predict the storm to come your way? I've been bad about keeping up with the news lately.

Like everyone, I'm worried about Muddy, but there's not much I can do from here.

Today is my 20th wedding anniversary. It's crazy it's been that long! Poor H sure got the worse part in for better or worse what with my bipolar. It always makes me feel so guilty. Not sure if we'll do much to celebrate. Looks like it is going to rain this morning, the sky is very dark.

I had some trouble getting to sleep last night. Not sure what is was. I'd have the sheet on, feel hot, take the sheet off, feel cold, on, off again and again. Finally took an extra 25 mg Seroquel and that calmed me down, and I ended up with about 6.5 hr. sleep. My mood has been good if a little erratic.

I took a walk/jog this morning, the rain held off just long enough.

Have a wonderful Sunday everyone

Happy anniversary blueberrybook. Congratulations

I know some of you say you’re worried about me, but there’s no need. I swear, the drunk really DID die by hit and run. My CM even said, well, I can’t write here because I’m not giving them the satisfaction of outright saying their words and these are obvious, but she said something along the lines of calling her later if the atmosphere and gravity change, but I’m screwed if my phone doesn’t work.

No need to be concerned. I WILL NOT hurt anyone else or myself. I don’t know about others, but I have some tricks up my sleeve for that.

Hey guys!

I know we are probably all sounding annoying @MuddyBoots but it's only because we all love you very much and want to see you get better, and feel better

But I am having an amazing Sunday so far. Didn't get much sleep because my mind was racing, (TMI but I really NEEDED my boyfriend last night if you know what I mean, so I was tossing and turning). Finally got to bed at 3am and woke up at 7:30am to get ready for church. Was a really good message, one that I really needed to hear about Exodus, then Jesus being the "bread of life" and then the priest spoke about gratitude, which is what I really needed to hear this morning. Felt bad that this nice couple that is part of my AA homegroup wanted to go to breakfast but I had to head out to my parent's house because I spend Sundays with them.

Finally made it to my 9th step of my 12-Step program and did my amends with my parents. They were really nice about it, but they basically said they already knew about all things I confessed to and appreciated my amends. I felt so good afterwards. So on to the others now! I feel really good about making progress through my steps of AA because I have been sitting on them for the past three years - thank God I have such a patient sponsor, lol.

In a really good place bipolar-wise. Hope everyone is having a really good Sunday. Anxiousness is setting in a bit, because Tropical Storm Debbie is making its way up the coast - I really hope it goes and comes quick and I don't have to drive in the middle of it on Thursday when I go to work. Also really praying it doesn't gain strength and become a hurricane. Really nervous so I am going to invest in a back-up battery, so I at least have something to charge my phone with in case I do lose power this hurricane season. Living alone is both a blessing and a curse sometimes, I swear. Wishing you a very happy anniversary @Blueberrybook !!

I don’t know what to do right now. I think my ideas are cool, but I spilled the secret to my mom. She didn’t seem to understand, but she never understands anything. She’s ok with listening to podcasts about decapitation. But guillotines aren’t instant death. I tried telling her we could think our way into rubber bones, she wouldn’t buy it. Maybe she’s just prepping to (make another attempt at) drowning me. She’s not making any comment on being unwell or anything so I want to say I’m ok, but also she knows the frquency that has a PCP effect on me.

My emotions and energy levels are wild. I said I’m safe, and right now I am. But sometimes I don’t feel that way. More in a might go overboard running from someone or self defense because after all there is someone who wants to drown me under the same room, but I do sometimes want to see my own blood again. It’s like cereal boxes falling. And every time I get a chance to talk to someone in the treatment team they ask and I say right now, yeah, but I wasn’t earlier, but this moment I’m fine so they don’t really care. In This Moment. I’d rather fight than just fake it, but I’m honest and there’s no fighting right now. I see the dots that no one else can, and even connect them to other dots, and I’m bored with others non Euclidean geometry. I need less transport so there’s less collisions.

I’m just generally misunderstood. My mom asked what I think about putting Bo down. Lu told me last night it was a good idea, and I sent her a picture of Lu so I think that’s why she’s more open to it. But my CM used to say “that makes sense” sometimes,
But today and the person I talked to last night didn’t. Things look like they’re moving and that is usually when it gets bad. I don’t know what to say to my CM because I AM safe,
But I’m not. But when she asks I plan on being safe.

Thanks for the anniversary wishes

H made reservations this evening at a fairly upscale seafood restaurant at the bayside. I think it will be our first time eating out as a family in over a year since eating out has become so expensive now. Looking forward to a nice evening.

I'm just frustrated today. I don't feel good and I'm sick and also a bit anxious. My mom thinks we should get the refferal for Northwestern soon.

I haven't showered in almost a week and I am just totally exhausted.

I finally got in the shower and

So I feel better