Bipolar Check-in #81

That weird bleeding and pain came back too. I have like 4 issues going on right now and I don't want to go to the doctor for any of them.



But I thought this issue had gone away. So now I have out of control blood pressure, weird shoulder pain, GI issues, and bleeding.

Idk what to do.

Overall pissed off mood. Husband is working a 75-hour work week coming up (covering shifts AGAIN), I'm worried about our cat (she has all these weird bumps on her neck and body she keeps on itching, and we can't figure out what it is because our other cat is fine! But she's going to the vet tomorrow morning), my period WAS a week late (just got it, which is great, except now I'm NEVER getting laid), I wanted to work on a flash fiction today but never got the chance (for a variety of reasons), allergies are kicking my booty even with Claritin, and there's a situation going on at the pharmacy involving my diazepam refill because new psychiatrist called in refills for me and it's conflicting with my old prescription so they're saying it's too early, even if I got my last refill July 28th and will be out by next Sunday!

😡 😡 😡

@raspberrytorte and @LadyShadow thanks for asking about the new therapist. She was fine. It was not like when I met my real therapist and knew immediately that he was what I needed. She won't be my permanent therapist when he retires. But she's fine. I see her this week then have 2 weeks off and I think just meet with her once more before my real therapist is back. I probably should get an appointment so I don't go 3 weeks without but I am not going to unless I feel more positive about it this week.

I do plan to talk to her about my anxiety and paranoia this week so hopefully she'll help get that under control again. I hate to think I could feel like this for 5 more weeks until real therapist returns.

I'll just be so glad when things are normal again. But I'm doing ok. The last thing my therapist said to me was that I can manage better than I think. I'm not sure about that, I would love it if my meds would let me have a good cry and I want HIS opinion on some more complicated things, not someone I have to explain the backstory to for 15 minutes. But again, we'll manage.

Thanks again to both of you for asking.

I started rereading my journals from 2000 and i noticed how much happier i sounded when i was active. So i've decided to attend a conversational French group at the library. This is better than Scrabble because i tend to get too serious about that. It's also only 90 minutes, instead of three hours.

It's at a branch that is easy to get to and very modern and pretty, with soaring windows. The first session is tomorrow at 6:30pm. I've been watching "Ozark" with the French subtitles on in preparation.

My only concern is that it's going to be hot out tomorrow, and i might not want to go in the heat. Hopefully i can tough it out. It's a weekly drop-in group, so if i absolutely can't stand the heat i can go next week when it cools off. I have to wear long-sleeves so i can't dress for the weather as easily as i would like.

I love libraries!

Hugs to all!

Thank you for believing in me! I believe that we all are daughters and sons of God as well (either we believe it or not).

Glad you had a good and active day!

I was up early this morning to sit with the "Sun-lamp". Then I participated in a prayer group (a recovery group, indeed) and then went to bed again. I didn't fall asleep. Perhaps that is a good sign.

After my second breakfast, now, I have a lot of plans. I will go for a walk, study my Church's catechism for 15 minutes, then study work related topics for some hours, do gym and relaxation exercises at home and repeat my tools. 15 - 20 minutes work in the home.

I am optimistic ...

I send good wishes to all for this Monday!

@Blue_Bird Glad you had a good morning, yesterday. Mine was good today. Your idea on spending some time at the library and use the town more actively seems wise! @Moose72 Sorry that your sleep was too little yesterday. @Mountaindewed Glad to hear that your stomach and anxiety was
OK yesterday. @MuddyBoots Glad to hear that you feel generally better, at least a little bit. @Crazy Hitch Hope you will find help at your therapist's office, Wednesday. Try to keep going until then. @raspberrytorte Sorry to hear that you have so much to think about and feel pissed. @BeyondtheRainbow Glad you liked the "step in" therapist. @JaneOnceMore What a good idea to start in conversational French group at the library!

((((((((((HUGS))))))))) to all!

I'm still trying to avoid the dr. But maybe I'll message him in a bit. My shoulder hurts so badly and my blood pressure is 152/91 and I'm throwing up a lot.

Its like that whole soul escaping my body feeling and so I took my blood pressure and its now 123/85.

I'm here but quiet. More lurking than posting. Sometimes I get this way.

I slept all night and wish I could be sleeping now. ugh. so tired. apologized to a couple of coworkers I kept disrupting last two weeks to talk to. lots of homeowkr to get done tonihgt. see T tomorrow at 6 after practicum and im suer he will have opinions of how i should have reacted to the mania. luckily i didnt do anything crazy while on my trip but BOY was it fun! singing and dancing to one of my favorite artists in the pit for hours felt amazing!

i hope i adjust to risperdal soon. i cant handle being this tired!

Maybe you should wait a little while, measure again and then call the doctor.

It has been a busy day. Since I was up early to use the Sun lamp and meet the prayer group, I thought that I would need more sleep, but no. The day has gone well, so far, no need for more sleep. Maybe I have slept too much the last weeks, around 10 hours each night? Many factors combined, my vomiting and sickness not so long ago, the new diabetes medication and more. I feel my days have been about study, eating, more study and sleeping. Only that ...

After this special morning, I have been on a walk, made dinner and used some hours to to study. I have not had time for the house-work, yet, and I have to fill the dishwasher. Neither have I repeated about my psychological tools nor done the physical or relaxation exercises. All that will be done when I have rested with some Netflix.


I wonder if the solution to all this is about leaving bed early in the mornings.


One of my grown up children will visit me on Saturday. I didn't mention that I have felt very much down the last days. It is not necessary to scare other people, but to enjoy their company and try to be happy about that they are in my life.

Good wishes!

Hey y’all

It’s ironic when I take two ambien and get a solid nights sleep, I actually spend less time in bed! I wake refreshed and rested. I’m wide awake and not sleepy of draggy. But I reserve the two for once or twice a week and usually on the night before I have appointments. I did have good dreams last night but I didn’t keep them in the forefront of my mind so they’re gone.

I have absolutely nothing scheduled this week. So it’s a trip to my daughter’s house to meet a puppy, pearl. A black lab her mother-in-law is adopting. Otherwise it’s games and get togethers downstairs. Today is dice games. Hope I win as I need to do laundry.

Today is a severe heat warning so I’m not going outside at all. My meds make it so heat is unbearable. The dog days of summer.

Take care everyone. Chilled cold fresh watermelon for all!

I did retake my blood pressure and its been ok I guess. Like 135 over 90. Not the best but nothing I want to do anything about. Its mainly my shoulder causing issues right now. I took a 20 minute nap and I woke up and it was just a mess and it hurts to open stuff. I can't take the good stuff like Aleeve because of my ulcers. But I put some icy hot on it which felt great.

I did get therapy rescheduled and she was understanding. My stomach is ok right now but I'm still not hungry. I've had some bread which is better then nothing. Its whole wheat bread so its a bit healthy and it has some protein.

But the icy hot is helping.

Not doing well. Impulsive, doing my scream/cry thing, tactile hallucinations have me yelling "I can't do this anymore," over and over.

I am still feeling good and grateful, but so painfully aware that I am getting older. Went to the eye doctor this morning and had to have a diabetic eye exam done. Doctor comes in and says "you have quite the prescription on your glasses" Geez I know that can't good. It has gotten so much worse too over the past year and now I may need bifocals cause the distance has increased so much on them. UGH. It's a $400-$500 expense at Lenscrafters with the new bifocals, (I am going to get progressives to make it easier) and the sunglasses which I need for driving. This is just awful, but I know it's just a minor annoyance because I know I can afford it, I will just have to work extra hard in the month of September and not screw around too much, like I have been.

Just grateful to have the means to afford it, but just not a happy camper today at the awareness of my age and my old worn-out eyes. : (

In work-mode right now for the day, and also going to meet with a church friend later for dinner. Hope everyone is having a productive Monday!!

I just talked with my regular doctor's office. Yeast culture was negative! Bacterial vaginosis was negative. But my portal says my urinalysis from Saturday was abnormal! Not just one culture but about ten of them! Nobody's called me about this though they did put a note for my OBGYN to look at them and call me. I have an appointment on the 5th to see my OBGYN. That seems so far away! It really should be the doctor who ordered the urine tests on Saturday who should be calling me but she hasn't. The prescription cream I picked up yesterday has been getting rid of the burning and itching but I can only use it twice a day. And it's not getting rid of the infection. This may be too much information but I wonder if this all started from receiving oral sex from Caleb as he's a smoker. Couldn't that unbalance things? The timing is right as that was about the time my symptoms started. Other option is the vaginal estrogen cream I took for the dryness caused by the higher dose of Risperdal. I hope someone calls me today. This is getting to be a cluster ****- pardon my French! Lots of the abnormal results had to do with my kidneys.

Our cat has fleas! We're not quite sure how she got them, but she's infected, which means our other cat is infested too, though he's not scratching as much and obviously agitated. He's cool as a cucumber if I'm going to be honest. Like, if we just had him, we'd be completely clueless he even had a problem! Fumigated the apartment, vacuumed thoroughly, washed all sheets and blankets, threw away flea enhanced cat beds, thoroughly cleaned their houses. Fcking nasty. Seriously. Our apartment has a flea infestation!

We think it came from when we went to that farm about a month ago. A flea must have landed on one of us and we brought it home. Shyt.

I'm in excruciating pain and was nauseous 🤢 before, but I took some dramamine and no longer am thankfully. Tylenol isn't doing shyt though unfortunately. This feels worse than labor. Fck, I'd rather BE in labor!!!! At least contractions don't last continuously. God. For fcks sake. I need to call my doctor. This can't be normal!

I'm in pain carrying an empty glass and 2 empty cans. Its starting to hurt just buttoning my pants. I've been sleeping off and on all day. Idk if I just go to the doctors. I put more icy hot on and took some more tylenol.

I get my eye glasses online it is soooo much cheaper than the stores. I use eyebuydirect and have had no problems. My Dr know I buy online and includes all the info I need to fill out the forms. I have sunglasses from them too. They also take insurance, though I’ve not used that feature . You might compare the two. They have lots more choices than my local store has.

So many things went wrong today. I hope it works out. I'm just trying to get my credit to 651. Everything seems against us. We need a break. V's doing horrible, h isn't much better, me I'm going out of my mind. Lesson learned I guess.

Work went ok. Practicum tomorrow.. not sleepy anymore. havent had too much caffeine or anything.having increased energy again. should i be concerned? i think its jsut bc im due for my nighttime dose of risperdal. i take 4mg at night and 2mg in am. i see T tomorrow evening and dreading it. he was all mean last time and saying i have no business working with people and i do the best i can but ihave to wokr. i dont make enough SSDI to not work and survive on. i took out a $30k loan application today for the rest of school. im gonna take the refund and give it to someone to hold. idk who. maybe the safe deposit box my grnany has. just somwhere i cant access it and spend any of it except for tuition this next year. im afraid of having that muhc extra in my acct bc of ssdi.

I'm trying to figure out if I should go to immediate care in the morning. My shoulder hurts real bad and it keeps cracking and I'm trying everything. This icy hot patch is the best thing I've tried but its still painful.

Then I'm nauseated out of my mind

Right now I can't get comfortable no matter what I do.

And Gary was in my room for awhile and now my room smells terrible

I had a 35 minute pdoc appointment today (lately, they've only been 20 minutes). We spent most of the time talking about meds from other doctors and trying to avoid me losing stability. We acknowledged there aren't many good options, but decided the best option for the steroid for POTs symptoms is to try it over the long weekend and have a low threshold for taking an extra mg of risperidone if I experience symptoms. I'm only going to take the morning dose. He also wants me to message my gynecologist to see if/what other options there might be to suppress my period since the first med isn't going well. The tough part with this one is there isn't info out there about using hormones to manage mood disorders so the psych part is out of my gynecologists typical work and the hormones part is out of my pdoc's typical work.

So, I've got these two factors that could mess with my stability and my pdoc is going to be gone for 3 weeks. He said he will still be watching messages though so I can reach out if needed (thank God!). He just might not get back to me as soon as he typically does.

who is gary?