Bipolar Check-in #83

I have this weird anxiety migraine chills nausea side effect and it sucks right now. I don't remember covid being like this when I had in 2022. Probably got a different variant.

Ugh I'm trying everything to get rid of the anxiety. But I feel it in my nose and my lungs. So maybe its not legit anxiety. Idk

I’m still waiting for the dietician to ring me back. I rang at 8:45am and again at 10:00am. It’s now 2:45pm and nothing. I’m disappointed……

And finally I have an appointment with the dietitian on 7 November. Feels like forever away!

I am having awful dissociation this morning. Really struggling to keep myself in the present.

The pharmacy is being stupid about refilling my diazepam again and I don't know why because my last refill was on September 23rd. It's the 24th. There shouldn't be a problem! I'm a day late. I'm not early. I hate this. It's like this every month. Makes me so mad. 😡 I don't know why they can't just automatically refill it, like they do with all my other prescriptions. I hate being on a controlled substance. It's such a pain in the booty.

I'm slowly getting back into the things I enjoyed doing. Everything kind of fell off when I dropped into a really low phase last month.

It's slowly getting better, on its own but also because I got tired of waiting. I gently pushed myself to do stuff and my motivation is very slightly and slowly starting to return.

I've also been trying to be more mindful when I'm feeling anxious or depressed. I'm just recognizing that something is happening and not doing anything about it yet. But the recognizing does help me relate to the anxiety and depression differently. It doesn't solve my problem, but it helps me see it differently.

My T and I have been talking about giving negative emotions like sadness, despair, anger, etc room to express themselves in healthy ways, instead of trying to turn away from them or suppress them. That's a tall ask! It's not easy but I'm trying.

The road into my situation is very long, so I guess the way out will be long too. One step at a time.

Had my yearly woman-bits exam today, so that was fun. There was a sketchy dude on the side of one of the backroads. NJ plates, black SUV, black suit, big bald guy wiping down the side of his ride on a dirt road. Now that I think about it, there's been an increasing number of similar events (MA, NY, and UT plates that I remember).

I am still in that limbo state of wondering if I should be putting all the anti-hypomania measures in place (again). I'm sleeping okay (I wake up in the night and then early in the morning, but I usually fall asleep easily enough and have been getting a solid 6hrs a night). I've been almost paranoid lately. I say "almost" because it's more just distrustful and suspicious.

Been awake since 3:00am. Raining hard on and off. My hair is allergic to rain it goes frizzy lol.

Not sure what I’m going to do today. I should go to the chemist to buy nicotine gum. I normally chew 2mg but they had run out so I’m chewing 4mg but I don’t like it ewwww. You’d think there wouldn’t be much of a difference but there is.

So far I’m doing well on the different formulation of the Vitamin D. It’s vitamin D3. Last time when I had a lot of side effects it was vitamin D2 and it was the largest once a week dose (50,000 units). Now I’m on the smallest dose of Vitamin D3 (1,000 units two times a day every day) and I’m not having side effects. I think my doctor was right that my stomach just couldn’t handle the large once a week dose. Also vitamin d2 is plant based and vitamin D3 is animal based so they’re a tad different in their source.

Anyway, hopefully that continues. I went to a nutrition class yesterday afternoon my supportive housing building had done with a nutritionist. It was good and informative.

I’m sleeping really good every single night. Doing good with taking my meds. Tomorrow I have a therapy appointment. I think we’re doing. More EMDR.

My anxiety has been pretty low. The last time I had coffee was on Tuesday morning. Just one. I think I’m only gonna have it around holidays or special occasions. Like birthdays , holidays, celebrations etc. Like around Thanksgiving I plan on getting a little box of 7 servings packets of instant coffee. Then doing the same around Christmas, and also on new years. And just do it that way. Keep it for special times since it’s my favorite. That way I don’t over do it. But man do I miss it. Water is so boring compared to coffee even though I drink it black. Coffee is just so comforting. Maybe I’ll try decaf at some point.

I finished season 3 of The Witcher today. Also read for awhile.

I kept myself out of grippy sock jail until at least Monday.

Today I have been having anxiety or even paranoia that I'm just going to black out and wake up committed in a psych hospital. Ugh. For me, when I get psychosis, it is bad like that in that I black out most everything for days on end like 4, 5, 6 days straight with only brief impressions here & there. It was made worse because I was dissociating a lot. I really hate this.

I still have dreams like that. I’m in psych wards that are twisted or hark back to one flew over the cuckoo’s nest. They tell me I’m afraid I’m not in control that the illness is in control. It’s hard to shake that feeling, that the bipolar has the upper hand. But it does get better.