Bipolar Check-in #84

@BeyondtheRainbow:

Glad to hear the SAD lamp is working for you and hope it continues to into the new year. I haven't tried it. I've looked into it but my doctor gave me some online resources for one that were confusing and then there's the matter of paying for it and then there's the fact that i am too depressed to make decisions. So, for the moment, there are too many obstacles. Thanks for thinking of me tho! Maybe i'll get one if the stars align...

I’ve had a productive morning!

Cleaned up my kitchen, the fridge, my pantry, my car and did my carpets. I have my son coming over on Saturday. He wants me to show him how to make my peppermint crisp pudding. He’s having some friends around and he absolutely loves my pudding so there’s that lol!

And somewhere in between I showered and gave myself a new manicure so I’m good. 😊

On Sunday we’re taking my daughter to a lavender farm for her 21st (her request). I believe her partner is going to join us! Should be fun.

tomorow i prep for my colonoscopy and have that and upper scope on thursday. had to take time off work. ugh. unpaid due to holidays and having to flex time. gonna be a long week!!

I've been a little depressed and lonely this week. My POTs symptoms are still acting up so I can't go on walks like I was doing before Thanksgiving. The fatigue and brain fog makes it hard to read, or do much, so all I can really do is rest once home. I did buy some Christmas cards today so I'm hoping I'll feel well enough to work on filling those out after school this week so I can get them out no later than this weekend. The unit I live in is getting pretty gross because I haven't felt well enough to clean and my roommate doesn't clean so that has me a little depressed too.

I've earned enough points at Starbucks to get a free iced coffee so I plan on getting that on my way to work one day this week. That will be nice!

I hope it goes well @HALLIEBETH87

I feel like something major will happen tommorow in the world.

Its one of those feelings I get. People don't like it when I talk about them because it scares them.

@JaneOnceMore

Here's a link to the light therapy lamp I was thinking about buying for this winter. It's only twenty dollars.

Amazon.com: SUXIO Light Therapy Lamp - 10000 Lux Therapy Light, 3 Timing & Mode Happy Lamp, Touch Control Daylight Lamp with Memory Function, Portable Light Therapy Box for Home/Office Use As Lift Mood : Health & Household

I'm awake from a nightmare. Fairly typical. I'll get back to sleep in a while I'm sure. I wish there were a magic pill to take away nightmares. I know there is prazosin but I can't take it b/c my BP is too low.

I ordered a ton of Christmas presents from Amazon all at once. I'm getting 5 deliveries on Friday. I feel bad for my poor postal worker. I'm going to have to unpack everything immediately because 5 boxes will fill my little home.

Time to try to read to distract myself.

I'm mixed. Intense, yelling when I talk, we're having a very small Christmas. HUD says we can't move until at least February, our benefits for moving end last week of January, the place wants us to move the 12 of January. So who the **** knows what is going to happen. I can't deal with it because I'm too hyped. I have to do everything by email so I don't interrupt and I get the information I need. Going to yet another food bank today. We need to sell stuff but I don't know how.

I'm going for fasting bloodwork today for the neurologist. It's crazy when I don't have to fast, I often do it automatically, no problem. When I need to fast (for bloodwork, medical procedures), I find fasting very difficult and crave food. Only about an hour more to go. I can do it. Just hope I don't faint afterwards. I have a problem with that and then they make you stay there FOREVER until you start doing better.

It's cause you're a rebel like me

doc: get this done before you pick up AM meds, and only water after midnight
me: that'll be easy. I'm always in bed by then and typically don't have breakfast until after meds anyways
*cue to me waking up at 2am that day dying for a bagel with butter and cinnamon*

Hydrate as much as you can before. You can also tense your muscles a bunch in whatever ways you can when it gets to the point you typically faint to raise your blood pressure.

Hope it goes okay!

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and my therapist both tomorrow. My psychiatrist is gonna sign the paperwork for me to become my own payee.

I went downstairs the community room this morning because they were having a bagel day event today. I got an onion bagel with veggie cream cheese and some orange juice. It was really good. I haven’t had a bagel in awhile, they’re so good.

I slept okay. Only 6 hours. I woke up at 4am and have been up since. I feel okay though. So tomorrow psychiatrist and therapist, Friday I have a dentist appointment at 6:45am.

I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes on an incline of 7. It felt good. I didn’t exercise yesterday. I feel very antsy and agitated when I don’t get enough physical activity. So I’m glad I got on today.

The only things left to do today are practice violin and then take a shower before bed. It’s going on 12pm right now. Feeling pretty good. I went to sleep early last night. Listening to some music now. Lindsey Stirling.

I’m considering increasing my violin lessons to 3-4 times a month. So like basically roughly once a week. Right now I’m doing two lessons a month. It’s kind of expensive but if I’m gonna put money towards anything it’s gonna be towards something good like that, that will help me improve my playing a lot over time. I feel more motivated and consistently practice more when I’m taking lessons more consistently.

I’m trying to get my rear in gear. I need to do the wash. Got an inspection coming up in a week. So need to get everything caught up.

Feeling alienated from people here. Last night I went down to 500. I got the impression people were cold shouldering me. Haven’t been down there in maybe two months. I just was too depressed to deal with people. Guess I’ll just have to give them time.

Need to go out too but eh, it’s cold out there. But it’s going to be colder tomorrow! Old Mother Nature is getting confused. She had it at a wonderful 50F for a few days now it’s dropped to 12F and tomorrow even colder! My car is so far away and I have to park in the lower lot down cement stairs. What a pain. A big enough pain that I just don’t go places.

I’m feeling better than I have in weeks. It takes me a bit to fall asleep but then once I’m asleep I’m sleeping well for 7-8 hours. It’s bliss. But I don’t get up until 10am which is pretty late. But it’s takes me so long to fall asleep and I need my 7-8 hours so what is will be.

Egg nog and krumkake for all!

@Blue_Bird - You and me both with the dentist this week. Tomorrow I have an appt. to get a temporary crown replaced with the permanent one. Then directly afterwards, my daughter has dental x-rays and cleaning. I am so sick of going to the dentist. I've had 3 crowns and 1 root canal this year. My teeth suck so much. Poor daughter gets tons of cavities too even though she takes superb care of her teeth. I had a dentist tell me once that your dental flora (bacteria on your teeth) are largely inherited from your mother, and if your mom has bad teeth, you likely will too (and my mom does and my maternal grandmother before her).

@JaneOnceMore The SAD lamp is worth a try; the one I got cost around $35 with a $5 off coupon on Amazon. The sucky part is being consistent using it daily; I skipped one day, and the next day I started getting pretty down again.

@Nammu I am SO glad it doesn't get that cold here! I really don't like the cold at all. I am sorry you have been feeling down. Have you ever tried a SAD lamp before? I think mine is helping me or at least turning me away from depression, and I have only been using it a couple of weeks. Worth a try.

I took a power walk in the dark this morning, pretty long one. I used the SAD lamp while reading. Maybe it's helping a bit? Or maybe turning me mixed? or just a tad hypo?

I had to fast for my blood draw, and they were SO slow at the phlebotomist's, it was after 10:30 by the time I got home. Luckly, I didn't faint this time around, but I was famished by the time I got home. Did some sketching, had lunch. Will probably read this afternoon, not sure what else. I need to work on a new playlist on Spotify for my walks, so I may do that. Could nap since I only slept 6 hr last night, but I don't know.

I'm feeling a little amped up right now. Just took my extra 50 mg Seroquel, so maybe that will slow me down. If not, I'll try some chamomile tea.

Today's sketches such as they are. The flower turned out better than the cupcake, but hopefully you can tell what each picture is supposed to be. I do have to say I find the sketching so wonderful mentally; my mind just gets so occupied with drawing, I don't think about anything else except the sketch. It's even better escapism than reading for me.

I feel decent today. I slept from 10:30 to 6 and then I took an almost 2 hour nap from 9-11. I don't know whats up with these long naps lately. But its been an almost daily thing. I felt a lot better when I woke up. I haven't heard back yet from any of the places I applied to. But my stomach has been fine for almost 2 days. I wonder if its from all the ab workouts I've been doing and stretching those muscles are helping my nausea.

The paranoia is (not?) real

I know my sleep has been a bit effed up lately. But I swear they came out with key lime marshmallow fluff but I guess it was just a dream because I can't find it anywhere.

I would eat that shyt with cheesecake any day

Finished out the day with reading and did 2 more sketches.


Trying out a new recipe for dinner-Tuscan Garlic Chicken. Just hope it turns out!

Got my clothes done and socialized for quite some time. Have poker tonight but not sure I’m going to go. Had enough social for one day.

It's snowing and freezing outside and I've been so fudging TIRED. I haven't written in my journal in two days. I have submissions to read for the ezine that just keep on piling up and haven't gotten to them. I've just been sleeping and listening to music. 🎶 My motivation is at an all time low. I know it's just the time of year, and I don't think I'm getting depressed, but jeez. I'm just cold and tired and unmotivated and just want to sleep and dream and listen to music. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, even if it's supposed to be fudging COLDER.

How am I sending insane videos of a naked me acting like Smeagol all silly and happy and it feels genuine and then putting Vaboh- im sick of trying straight on after like "yeah, I have thought of swervin' off the muthafffin sidewalk!"?

READY TO DO SOME CRAZY SHYT IN MY DREAMS AND WAKE UP THINKING "A NORMAL PERSON WOULD BE DISTURBED BY THAT BUT I DON'T GIVE A FFFFFFFFFFFFFF ANYMORE!"!!!!!!

Dogs got electrocuted in Rochester, NH pissing on poles.

Why am I sleeping so much today. I took 2 two hour naps. I feel ok. My mom is sleeping a lot too today.

@Blueberrybooks huh I never knew that about teeth. I know my mom had bad teeth but idk if she was born with genetically bad teeth or if she just didn’t take care of them due to being depressed severely. My teeth aren’t the best. I’ve had two removed. And I have two crowns. And I’m only 30. I’m really self conscious about my teeth. A lot of my problems with them stem from two different things. One is from anorexia nervosa: binge purge type which I’ve dealt with since I was young. So I purged a lot and that screwed up the enamel on my teeth a lot. Another reason is when I go through depressive episodes I struggle with basic hygiene like brushing/flossing. I really wish it was more affordable to get implants. It’s not even in the realm of possibility financially for me at least any time soon. It also sucks because sometimes insurance will cover a root canal and sometimes they won’t. So if they won’t you either have to pay out of pocket for it or get the tooth pulled. Hence why I had two pulled.

I feel ashamed about my teeth. They don’t look bad but like I know they could have been so much better. I even had braces my older sister (she’s 20 years older than me) paid for when I was a teenager. Just things went downhill with the anorexia/purging and the problems with self care

But yeah got the dentist on Friday. Bright and early, or shall I say dark and early. It’s at 6:45am so it’ll still be dark out then. It’s just for a cleaning/exam/xrays. I also need to ask about getting a partial and how much that would cost if insurance ends up not covering it. And I need to tell them about the crown that popped off. For the third time this year. At this point it’s like what’s the point of even putting it back on if it’s just gonna keep popping off. And I’m sure I’ll have follow up appointments if I have any cavities.

My goal after this round of dental appointments is to not have to have any fillings or anything root canals etc again.