Bipolar Check-in #84

@JaneOnceMore

Are you anxious during the day? Sorry to hear the daytime is so stressful for you. 🫂 ❤️

I survived my first day back at work so that’s a positive I suppose … I’m only doing Monday and Tuesday this week to transition back in slowly.

I got home and straight away did a new manicure. It’s my stress relief.

I hope you’re all well!

@MuddyBoots and @raspberrytorte THANKS so much for checking in!

Your support means the world to me

So I'm back to 4 hours of sleep again. It had improved for about a week to 7 hours.

I think I know why it is happening. It could be the Lamictal, I just increased the dose a little (following pdoc's directions).

I'm still not convinced my family can dictate when I take a shower. I take a shower after the gym twice a week. I know it's not much but better than how it was when I was feeling really low.

I slept 12 hours. Plus a 2 hour nap yesterday morning. I woke up around 9 to eat a small piece of roast but I pretty much slept from 4:30PM-4:30AM. This morning so far I've had caffeine, and I did 40 push ups so I'm hoping to not be so tired today. Mental health wise I feel fine.

N3 and I went to hear Handel's Messiah in its entirety yesterday afternoon- full orchestra and choir complete with soloists. It took 3 hours but was wonderful! Everybody stood up for the Hallelujah chorus and sang along- I love singing with N3 even if I have to sing bass up an octave or alto or tenor or all of the above!, It was fun anyway!

Before this N3 had compline choir rehearsal- only six of 8 of the choir showed up. N3s dad wasn't there. I tried to record some for you, but that didn't work out unfortunately.

My mental health clinic finally got an online health portal so I signed up for that. That’s helpful. Yeah my diagnosis are all still the same. Anorexia nervosa, binge purge type, schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. The acid reflux thing though is no longer an issue so that is gone. And vitamin d deficiency is listed on there. I’m on vitamin d now though, so hopefully when I get retested in January it’ll be up to what my doctor wanted. My levels were 9 when we tested and he wants it at least up to 14 to start then go from there. I don’t like taking vitamin D. I’m convinced my two random severe dizzy /vertigo episodes were caused by it because I never experienced that before. But I don’t have proof. They weren’t like slight dizziness either. They were like the entire room felt like it was spinning which scared the crap out of me both time it happened. Also my psych meds can all cause dizziness and there’s several of them but I’ve never experienced that from them. Idk maybe it was something totally random. But I seem to have weird issues with vitamin D supplements. The first one I was on I had to stop because . That was to 50,000 mcg weekly dose though which is a really large dose to take at once. Now I’m on the 1,000 mcg twice a day and I don’t have that issue from it but I’m still trying to figure out where that dizziness came from.

My psychiatrist is insistent that I get my vitamin d level up. I thought when I mentioned the side effects of the first one he’d let it go but nope , he decided to have me try a different formulation of it at a different dose /schedule.

Oh and my dental crown popped off. Again. This is the third time that specific crown has popped off on that tooth just this year alone. It’s not an old crown either. I got it a year ago. It’s pretty new. I’m tired of going back to the dentist over and over to get it re-cemented. Idk if they screwed up the shape of it or what but it’s just not staying on. Anyway, I have a cleaning/exam at my dentist this Friday so I guess I’ll bring that up again. I also need to inquire about getting a partial denture for my two missing teeth. Last time I was at the dentist (getting the crown put back on) the dentist there mentioned it could be because the crown is next to an open space where the tooth is missing. And when I eat it’s putting an abnormal amount of pressure on the crown due to the gap next to it and the food getting there when I chew, which may explain why it continues to pop off. So he suggested inquiring about a partial denture or whatever you call it for my two missing teeth, so I’m gonna ask about it on Friday. If my insurance doesn’t cover it I’ll save up and pay for it out of pocket cause it would be a good investment.

Well I took a walk to the store. Regretted it because I almost fell numerous times due to the ice coating the sidewalks. Also there was a ginormous dead raccoon randomly right on the sidewalk. It was the size of a dog almost. It was so big and fluffy. I felt so bad for it. I passed it again on my way home. Its little mask was so cute. I love raccoons. Poor baby.

I just ordered two books on coffee for N1 who works at Starbucks and loves everything coffee! One is on the history of coffee and one is the barista’s guide to coffee. I hope she finds these very interesting! Every year we pick a name out of a hat so we each buy and get one present.

Note to self:

but we're getting snowwwwww!

Don’t you hate it when you type a long reply and it disappears?

What I was trying to say is I don’t believe I’m supervising students today. I believe I’ll spend most of the day marking. It’s difficult for me to focus so there’s that. But it’s only Year 7 Humanities tests I’m helping my Domain Leader mark. When I get to work today my desk may have been moved to who knows where. I’m being moved to the general staff room from the Year 7 office but the general staff room isn’t ready because they’re recarpeting. So they may have put my stuff in 1 of 50 classrooms …. And on my old desk I had all of my marking to do that I wanted to start this morning so it’s going to be interesting ….

I saw the pdoc today. No med changes but he said to increase the use of the SAD lamp to 45min to an hour. I guess I'll try that. I told him my moods are up and down right now, like a rollercoaster. And sometimes both at once, like feeling hypo but hypo with SI thoughts, does that even happen? Haven't taken the extra 50 mg Seroquel yet today, that might slow me down some, enough I can read because I can't read right now. Thought I put on a pretty good face for pdoc, but he said to come back in 1 week b/c he's taking vacation most of the rest of December/early January and he doesn't feel comfortable going 4 weeks between visits. Whatever.

Need to slow down some right now though. I feel pretty up. And that feels good but I am not able to read my book like this, and I was really enjoying it yesterday. Probably need to take the extra 50 mg Seroquel now (sigh).

Still around, still alive. Hope everyone is doing well.

I took a shower. It felt good. I also got on the treadmill for 30 minutes. That makes an hour of walking today cause I did a 30 min walk outside today too. I hit my 10,000 daily step goal. It’s so hard for me to motivate myself to exercise but I always feel so much better afterwards. I’m hoping to stay consistent with this. It’s great for so many things. Low energy, ironically exercising helps that. Bad mood, exercise can get anger and irritability out and sometimes channel some of my excess energy when I’m manic in a non destructive way. Feeling depressed? Endorphins can help a bit. Better physical fitness just helps me feel better overall and more stable. Plus sleep. Which I haven’t been getting. I tossed and turned for 2 hours last night. Got up at midnight and have been up since. Again. In three days I’ve gotten 7 hours of sleep total. It’s going on 3pm now. I’m sick of insomnia. I literally am not capable of sleeping when not on Thorazine. Idk why. Idk if it’s withdrawal effects and it’ll go away over time or if I have to choose between staying on Thorazine which I don’t want to or staying off it and never sleeping.

The meds I’m on are:
Abilify 30mg
Trileptal 1500mg
Zoloft 150mg
Thorazine 200mg.

I don’t want to have to replace Thorazine with something else either. I just don’t want to be on it at all period. I don’t feel comfortable being on two antipsychotics at the same time. My doctor is fine with it but idk. The goal was to get me off Thorazine eventually but every time we stop it I immediately go into severe insomnia and don’t sleep for days. I also don’t want to go into a psychotic episode and that is more likely to happen the longer I go without sleep. So idk. Maybe the benefits of taking it outweigh the risks of stopping it. Is it normal to be on two antipsychotics?

Everybody says how much better I seem off meds. Not that there are any others I can take!

@Blue_Bird:

I'm on two antipsychotics, Seroquel and Risperdal. I'm not exactly an example tho as i'm really sedated. I've been on them for years, a decade or more maybe. Just chiming in to let you know you're not the only one on two APs.

@Blue_Bird I don't know how common 2 APs are but I'm on 2. I hate it but it's necessary. For me it is more that I don't seem to process clozapine well so my level gets high on a lower dose and we can't increase the dose if needed. So Seroquel is my 2nd one that can be adjusted if needed. My goal is to not need any more Seroquel increases but I know that's unlikely.

@Crazy Hitch Did you try hitting control Z to get your post back? It works sometimes.

@Blueberrybook Do you feel better after you finish your light sessions? I usually feel a little up for maybe 30 minutes but then I feel better for several hours which leads to feeling better overall. I've never had this work for me like it is the year. My BIL has severe depression and I wish I could get him a light for Christmas without seeming pushy. He's borrowed mine in the past and it helped so it's not like he doesn't know about the option.

@MuddyBoots I was thinking of you when I said access to clozaril would be easier. I remembered you posted about how hard it was for you with the pharmacy coordination. I was so fortunate that my pharmacy messed up and gave me a months' supply of clozaril even when I was on weekly labs. I'm not sure I would have been able to stay on it if I'd had to fight with them every week.

@BeyondtheRainbow I’m on an iPad so I can’t do that, unfortunately…

@Blue_Bird

When do you see your pdoc next? If you don't have an appt soon, can you call and leave a message? He should know about your lack of sleep. You are absolutely right in that it can lead to psychosis. Seroquel usually works for me, with trazodone thrown in to keep me asleep. Have you tried melatonin? I never had much success with melatonin alone but I did OK when I took it with valerian (that was when I was pregant and off psych meds). Valerian is an herb that stinks to high heaven though.

@BeyondtheRainbow - I feel a little jittery after the light session but I calm down pretty quickly and then I'm a bit up & down. But a couple days ago, I didn't use the light box, and I felt much more depressed the next day. So maybe it does something though I'm half afraid it's making me mixed.

Nice surprise, I entered some random HGTV holiday contest and got contacted today that I won a $100 check that will be coming by FedEx in the next day or two! I usually don't win contests like this, more entering them for something to do, not the thought I'll win.

After two weeks the psych meds are out of my system and everybody is saying how much better I seem. I saw Caleb this past weekend and he said he noticed a huge difference! Not my psych nurse though. She hasn't gotten ahold of me nor has my case manager. She still thinks I should be back on the meds and doesn't believe the anaphylaxis was from the meds! A care coordinator that my primary doctor asked to call me said I sound great and I'm doing all the right things! We talked for over an hour! She's going to report our conversation to my primary doctor and then get back to me. My mother went on a diatribe about how I don't need meds as if I were taking them. She doesn't get that there aren't any more I can take! I've reached the end of the line!

I'm signed up for physical therapy starting in six weeks for six weeks for my back. The X-rays showed that my lower back is shaped funny and more prone to injury. All I've got left is the lidocaine patches until then.

I was tired today but I avoided sleeping. I did 70 push ups and I ate a couple purple sweet potato pancakes and some popcorn
I think I got a different generic Geodon and topamax
my therapist said it could be the prestiq too.
Right now I'm tired and not feeling much else.

prestiqe killed my appetite