Bipolar Check-in #84

I actually have an appointment with him this Thursday so I'll bring it up to him then. I haven't tried melatonin. Seroquel worked for me too but I got off of it due to weight gain. And switched to thorazine

Topamax was an absolute appetite wrecker for me! I swear, when I was on that I could "get by" (or at least think I was getting by) with like 10 bowls of soup a week.

I’m so proud of myself. I practiced violin today. I struggle so much with motivation and procrastination I usually end up not doing the things I want to do even if I enjoy them. So I’m happy I finally got my violin out and practiced today. Aiming for 30 minutes a day at least for the next 2 weeks. Then I have a lesson. Then after that I might try increasing to an hour a day. I used to have a lot more stamina for playing for long periods of time. But focus and procrastination and motivation issues make it harder now.

Happy with myself, got all my Christmas presents wrapped. Delivered all my cards. The staff was so happy to get them. I don’t think too many people here do that. But this place is soooo clean and well run.

Now I need to concentrate on cleaning the my apartment. Theres inspection on the 17th. Irritating but part and particle of living here. Really I’ve not much to do. I keep it clean so just a bit more elbow grease than usual.

Work is so boring. I can't do any planning for next year because (a) I've had to pack up my desk into boxes and that's where all my textbooks and resources are (b) my domain leader can't tell me what I'm doing next year because he's frantically trying to get his marking done because reports were due - yesterday. So I've been sitting at my desk helping him mark Year 7 papers. I'm not up for marking his Year 10 exams even though he has hinted at it. Nope.

Best guess hypomanic after only being on 10 mg of abilify for the next 2 weeks. My therapist is watching me closely. Pdoc says I have to wait until next Wednesday to go up on the dose. He says I'll be uncomfortable for awhile. He was nice about it. This just sucks I'm hella sensitive to light, noise, and touch. My head is loud. I want to sh. And I have everyone fooled that I'm doing better than I really am. I snapped at my husband while on the phone with t. She asked if I've been short other times lately. I admitted I had. She urged me to let my pdoc know. So I did but he can't do anything until it's been in my system for 2 weeks. This next few weeks should be fun. Moving while switching medicine. H says he'll stick by me but it's probably he'll for him.

@victoria's mom - I get like that too when manic, colors are too bright, noises too loud, thoughts running all over one another, and everything bugs the h*ll out of me. I hope you will feel better once your dose increases.

Took the extra 50 mg Seroquel and crashed for 3 hr. Usually 50 mg of Seroquel doesn't hit me that hard. I must have been pretty tired. Feeling a little calmer now. Maybe I can concentrate to read.

I'm about to make my 20,000 post. My very next post will be 20,000. I'm switching over to the General Chat forum to congratulate myself! LOL

I'm wondering if I have sleep apnea. I keep waking up coughing a ton sometimes to the point I get sick. Plus I have all the other symptoms like daytime tiredness and snoring. My mom keeps trying to get me to see my primary for my wellness visit but I've been putting it off. Going to the doctors is as stressful now as going to work was in early 2020. I also didn't get my covid or flu shot because I'm scared about side effects. Even though getting covid and flu are way worse.

@Blue_Bird

I'm on two APs. Seroquel and loxapine. I'm only on 50mg of loxapine though. I'm scared to wean my *** off the rest of the way because the withdrawal is so terrible. 😫 And my psychiatrist hasn't told me I have to go off it. Sorry to hear about your thorazine and Abilify situation. I'm not particularly comfortable being on two APs either, but at this point I'm on so many meds it's like whatever! I'm already a fudging walking pharmacy! Lol. Definitely talk to your psychiatrist about your sleeping issues. 🫂 ❤️

I decorated my tree today. All unbreakable items because I don't know how my cat will react. So far she's ignored it other than sitting under and looking confused for a few minutes last night. It looks nice though, even though I miss the breakable ornaments.

@Nammu I'm so jealous that you are done wrapping. I haven't started and probably won't until the middle of next week. All our wrapping stuff is at my mom's and she's extremely busy with work for the next week. I still have a lot of presents coming. I think my Amazon order had 25 items and only one was for me. Plus I have another order from something that isn't Amazon coming too.


On the other hand I'll be nice and busy leading up to Christmas which is kinda a hard time.

I do cheat and buy gift bags at the dollar store, so wrapped is kind of a loose word. Plus I think I have a lot less people to buy for than you do. Though my grandkids get a lot more than one gift apiece. I put multiple gifts in the same bag. Yes they are big bags.

I just filled out 2 job applications. As I'm feeling sick as fuk right now. I just feel so stuck and depressed with my life. I'll just go to the bathroom if I get sick. I'll make up a new song "puking in the boys room."

Thank you for the input everyone I decided I’ll stay on the Thorazine. I took it last night and slept 9 hours according to my Fitbit. So clearly I need to be on it

I have my monthly apartment inspection today and also my monthly meeting with my program manager. I always get compliments on my apartment and how clean and organized it is. Yet I still get anxious over apartment inspections, they stress me out for some reason. Not much else going on today. Gonna get on the treadmill, practice violin, read, and spend time playing with my cat. She's very playful and has a ton of energy all the time so she needs a lot of playtime. She really loves the laser pointer toy I got her recently. She's obsessed with it now.

I just realized I haven't dissociated in 3 whole weeks. That is insane for me. Normally it's at least once or twice a week. At minimum. The EMDR seems to be helping a lot because I keep going longer and longer between my dissocation experiences. I think I've dissociated just once in the last 5 weeks, it was a little over 3 weeks ago and I was able to pull myself out of it pretty quickly and ground myself. I know it will likely never go away completely 100% as it's due to a history of trauma and stress brings it out and my brain tries to protect me by dissociating, but the fact that it's lessened so much in frequency and intensity makes me really happy cause I was so sick of dealing with it all the time.

I think getting out of the year and a half long relationship I was in helped too. Cause that was a lot of stress. Mainly from him, he's a very stressful person. He tends to dump all his stress and his life trauma on me every time we talked and it was a lot to deal with. I could feel my stress levels increase significantly after every time we talked.. So yeah. And he was cheating too which didn't come to light till 3 months after I broke up with him. But that doesnt surprise me either. And him suggesting I smoke weed and take edibles. Which destabilized me really fast and definitely made my dissociation worse too. He has bipolar too but he won't get on meds for it, he thinks weed is the answer to everything. He'd also rationalize everything he ever did wrong etc etc. He's currently "in love" with a woman who's in a relationship with another woman. He writes love songs about her and sends them to her. He also told me he has a ring he wears, that he's had for years and he thinks hes meant to give it to her someday. He said he's not doing anything and that they're (the girl he's claiming to be in love with and her partner) are already "drifting apart" but I really think he doesn't understand that cheating doesn't start with ****ing someone or seeing someone secretly it starts emotionally. And he's wrecking their relationship most likely.. Well good luck to them. He's a chronic cheater, and I'm starting to think hes a bit narcissitic as well.

Am on side of highway waiting for my team to return my call to the crisis line! Only been 20 minutes!

Fk it. Don’t even remember why I was about to off myself.

Today is an I don't give an eff day. I worked out this morning and I cleaned my room, but now I'm just in bed watching Paramount+ and not feeling that good physicsally. My blood pressure got super high before and now I just have a headache. I took tylenol and I ate some Ritz cheese crackers. I keep checking my email but I know it will take a few days to hear from them either way.

Fkers never called me back.

Because they know. I'm not even human so fk me. Monster, I am. Tomorrow I'm gonna ask everyone in the waiting room if they're happy and if they're not ask if they want an unlicensed therapist (I guess I start a new job tomorrow because there will be a market).

@Blue_Bird - It's awesome that you've gone so long without dissociating! I dissociate a lot and wish it would stop, but IDK, I've been doing it since I was a kid. My pdoc has suggested EMDR for me too, but I'm just not sure I have it in me to commit.

I woke up at 3 AM this morning, wide awake and then took a 7 mi power walk in the dark. Sometimes I think I'm losing it But then I showered, used the SAD lamp. I had an appt. with my neurologist this morning regarding the peripheral neuropathy I have in my feet. I lost some weight probably from these power walks and up & downs in mood and my blood pressure was 102/70 which is a bit low for me. Mostly it was routine, but he wants bloodwork again. He said if my iron doesn't look better this time around, he's going to refer me to a hematologist for an iron infusion. Ugh. I've had those before, what a pain. So I have an appt. to get blood taken tomorrow morning.

After I came home, I sketched some. Amazingly, it really seemed to help my anxiety and the best thing was when I was sketching, all I could think about was the sketching process - no racing thoughts, no SI thoughts, just thoughts about drawing. My skill isn't great but I hope at least the pictures look like what they are supposed to be.

Oh, man, maybe I was a bit hypomanic, but I found a lot of 5 pairs of gently used Old Navy jeans in my size on ebay for $25 buy it now with $5 shipping. They came today, and they all fit perfectly! That was a bargain

In my defense, I only had 2 pairs of jeans that currently fit beforehand, one pair blue, the other pair black.

That’s not hypomanic that a great bargain! Good deal! 5 for less than the price of one. You needed them too. Congratulations

On these applications they asked if I was getting SS. Then said "Social Secuirty recipent." On one of the applications. I wonder if that effed me over. I know back at my last job I had my hours drastically cut when I had to give my manager paperwork from SS to fill out.

Its only been 15 hours though. I think they said the normal time for them to go through an application is like 3 days.

I ate a bowl of chili for dinner and I did some reps with my ab roller and I feel much better both physically and mental health wise.

My neighbor and i took my dog for her nail trim today. It went smoothly despite bad weather. I told her about the fun virtual Christmas party and she was happy to hear about it. She's really kind and she said it makes her feel good to know there is caring out there.

Ironically, i got enraged doing meditation because i was interrupted. It's only a beginner's ten minute one -- you'd think i could get ten minutes of peace! I tried to walk off my anger but it didn't really help. I watched my soaps and it passed. Escapism is so effective.

I took a shower i was overdue for, so that's a big win. I had two chamomile teas, another win.

@raspberrytorte:

Thanks for the support! Thankfully i don't have anxiety in the daytime typically. I just feel hungover and miserable. It wasn't too bad today.

@JaneOnceMore Have you tried a SAD lamp? I've tried it various times over the years and it's had variable effects but this year it is doing a really good job helping days feel ok again. I've managed to treat a moderate-severe depression with just the light and after about 2 months have been depression free for 4-6 weeks. I usually get depressed in January but am even feeling hopeful that the lamp may help with that instead of increasing my seroquel dose.