Bipolar Check-in #84

1:45am and I haven’t been able to sleep at all! At first I thought it was the coffee I had at my partner’s mother’s place but this goes beyond that. We’re taking my Labrador to a doggy Christmas party today. I want to watch home alone but my son is sleeping in my bed next to me.

I can tell you I'm more on the conservative end just because of the chronic low level thoughts from BPD, but when I start making detailed plans ensuring a completion is when I know I should go. When I'm IP a lot of people are there because they've just started having thoughts that have just crossed the line from passive "wish I were dead" to active "I want to kill myself" thoughts.

Basically if it's more of a safety risk than awful thoughts, go.

Mikaela's in the lead for GS run 1 right now. Looks windy out there! It's funny seeing Superstar as a race trail when all I know it as is a May VW sized bump run for when I'm in denial spring is here

I did call the crisis line last night, but we were having phone issues (not sure who) and we got disconnected like right after I said I wanted to sleep forever, so that was cool. I was told to take my meds and a shower (already showered in the morning, but whatever) before though.

Saw my primary doctor. She is clueless why I'm having anaphylaxis. Says she doesn't want to mess with my psych meds or prescribe more prednisone so the appointment was unresolved except I asked her for the number of the allergy clinic. Then I called my psych nurse's office and through another nurse said she'd call me Monday and try to get me in sooner but she doesn't understand why I should be having anaphylaxis to Vraylar and/or Gabapentin as they are such low doses. However, she said to not take them cold turkey until they can call me on Monday and try to get me seen sooner. I think there are some nasty withdrawal effects to both these drugs. I was up every 4 hours taking 1 Benadryl throughout the night. Now I'm exhausted. Everybody keeps asking me what I'm eating and it's nothing new! My allergist found no allergies that would cause anaphylaxis two months ago but I'm going to call Monday and get another urgent appointment with them. So I'm skipping Vraylar and Gabapentin through Monday and/or till I can see my psych nurse practitioner. My throat was closing up last night just drinking milk! I've never had an issue with milk- just seafood. Two months ago nothing showed up positive on the skin prick test at the allergist- including seafood. This time I hope they can test some of my psych meds! Everybody is blaming everybody else doctor wise. It still floors me that my primary doctor of 27 years was clueless!

I need a nap after last night taking Benadryl every 4 hours overnight. More when I know more.

My health seems like dominos falling or a house of cards. Thankfully, I am mentally stable right now. The gastroenterologist did a follow up endoscopy to see if the medicine helped. Nope. Still acute erosive ulcers and he further found out that my stomach is not working properly. I have a radioactive isotope 4 hour scan test next week. My liver enzymes are terribly out of whack and my kidney function is down. They did a c reactive protein test cardiac on a whim I guess. 1 is low risk and 3 and over is high risk of cardiovascular event occurring. My factor was well above 3. I was reviewing the doctor’s notes and the anesthesiologist had rated me at severe systemic disease. I sure didn’t need to see that. My platelets are high and the doctor told me that meant inflammation and possibly infection somewhere. That is a lot of wrong things to fix. The cherry on top is the unrelenting pain that popped up with my severe anemia.

I hope everyone that celebrates Thanksgiving had a good one. I was too ill to attend either celebration that day. I snuggled on the couch with the dog, a good book and a glass of egg nog.

During breakfast at the hotel a guy with an emotional support dog got into a pretty decent argument with an employee about the dog. He kept bringing up the ADA and his disabilty and the employee kept bringing up food safety and consideration of other guests. It was escalating and my sister who is a middle school teacher and trained in crisis intervention went and got the manager who stopped the employee and apolgized to the man and then came over to our table and thanked my sister.

Anyways just like the ride there the ride back did me in too and I'm lying down in bed with my bucket and the TV off feeling not great and not hungry.

I do notice a difference in my depression with the increase in Prestiq though. I'm looking forward now to Christmas and stuff.

@Sunflower123 it's good to hear from you! I'm sorry physically things are going to hell though--sounds awful. Thinking of you

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The race was SHYT! Last run, Mikaela's up, she's doing great, up by about .17s, but there's this one left foot turn transitioning from a flat to the last pitch that was incredibly rutted and ruined a bunch of other skiers' runs that screws her up (it doesn't help that the clouds came out and it's later in the day so lighting was pretty bad), so she's low on the next turn, and couldn't correct. She goes DOWN HARD and slides off into the fencing, then they just cut to Sara Hector (winner) and a bunch of New Englanders at the finish line looking like "wtf just happened?!?" and they didn't say anything about Mikaela. I looked at FB and she had to take the sled down after being up there for about 20 minutes but she was awake and alert. Hope she's okay!

I'm trying to rewind from my trip and my stomach is still a bit weird.

My pdoc wants feedback for my appointment on Tuesday "you are a fuguly slut." Why would I go out shopping on black friday if I had severe whatever he thinks I have that I need PHP for.

I also turned on The Wizard Of Oz this morning instead of anything doom and gloom.

@Blueberrybook

I go IP when I feel like I can't handle my emotions and fear I'm going to do something impulsive. I'm an impulsive overdoser. I never plan ahead. I just do. And my therapist had me committed one time based off some rating scale. Don't remember what was all on it though. I'd speak with your psychiatrist. 🫂 ❤️

@Sunflower123

Sorry to hear about your health issues. That really sucks.

@Mountaindewed

I don't think I've ever gone out shopping on black Friday. Hell no! I bought a couple of things online and that is it. I don't like your psychiatrist. He really seems like an asshole. Not to sound like a moron, but what does it mean when he says you need PHP? Is that like IP?

@raspberrytorte PHP is partial hospitialization program. You spend like 8-3 Mon-Fri at the hospital for a few weeks doing groups. They assign you a caseworker and a therapist too.

I've been meeting with him for 6 years and I'm worried another pdoc will take me off my valium. This guy is really loose with benzos.

I have looked around a bit at other pdocs, but my insurance is a goldmine when it comes to medical stuff but its complete crap when it comes to mental health.

is it medicaid? thy dont reimburse well here in ky so people go without alot here. but at my job we try to advocate for our clients and get them all the help they need even if we write some of it off which we can do bc we are a CMHC.

Its medicare, but like medicare and a supplement all rolled into one. The kind they are having commercials for now.

I used to be on Medicaid but they paid for absolultly nothing including specilaists. That was awhile ago though.

Even when I was on regular United Healthcare through my dads work the mental health coverage was bad.

unfortuately medicaid sucks sometimes but other times its good. medicare is pretty good. it lets me see specialists pretty easily. mental health coverage is always lacking and idk why. bc if people have good mental health they tend to take better care of themselves costing insurance less inthe long run. so they say.

Yeah, that's what I worry about impulsive OD. Made it through today, slept most of the afternoon. Hope I can sleep okay tonight.

do you have a prn to help you sleep? or will melatonin help you at all? sorry im out o f the loop.

hope you can get same rest

It was about ten years ago congress passed a law to make mental health insurance coverage equivalent to their physical health coverage.

From google AI:

The Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act (MHPAEA) is a federal law that requires health insurance plans to provide equal coverage for mental health and substance use disorder (MH/SUD) benefits as they do for medical and surgical benefits. The law was enacted in 2008 and aims to ensure that people seeking mental health care do not face more barriers to treatment than those seeking medical care

they did andi studied about it in school but there are loopholes and ways that its still no equivalent

Thats true. The last part of the law went into effect in september. I wonder if its part of project 2025.

idk. itd be nice but im not hopeful.

God grant me the ability to stay alive and let other people live tonight... WHICH SHOULD BE FKKKKKKKKING EASY WHEN I CAN'T SEE ANYBODY I HEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I bet it's Chloe. Chloe died and her ghost is here. She's like, "heyyyy Muddy, let's go to the park. Let's play with Chili dog! Love you fine girlieeeeee xoxo lolol "

yeah, see, the bark. There it is. If they were there the dog would be NUTS. Oh, I did go for a walk in the woods behind the school and found a bunch of shot gun shells. Then the nap... oh lordy the nap! and now I'm here, and I'm not going to sleep until they stop.

I had a good day. Painted on video chat with my friend from this forum. Was a fun time.

Took a nap later in the day. Woke up to my cat snuggling me and purring. Tomorrow I have a volunteer shift with the rescue kitties.

I did my Christmas shopping. Also got my essentials for the month and bought some books. 10 ebooks. Yeah that was my Black Friday/cyber Monday splurge.

I had a long day but it was free from anxiety and anger so i'm grateful, just my boring old mild depression. I tried some new music and didn't like it. The early dark makes me so sleepy.

Skipped Gabapentin and Vraylar per pnurse’s instructions until I can see her next week.

Just painted my nails black for the funeral tomorrow. It’s a dramatic look.

Did you sleep last night @Blueberrybook?

I'm freaking freezing. The real feel outside right now is 0° and the radiators in our kitchen and living room aren't working. Have to call maintenance tomorrow and get them in here to fix them ASAP because the temp is supposed to be this cold all week. Fudge man.

We were going to stay home just the three of us Christmas Eve, but now we may not because our daughter wants to go to my husband's mom's house. Boohoo. I was really looking forward to a relaxing evening! But relaxing evening we may not be having.