Bipolar Check-in #84

@Mountaindewed

I totally understand the fear of getting a new psychiatrist who may take you off your benzo. I had the same fear with my new psychiatrist, but luckily she kept me on it.

I DO NOT want to go through diazepam withdrawal right now!!!

Good morning. Have my volunteer shift with the rescue kitties today. Other than that gonna practice violin, play my videogame and read.

Yeah, I slept about 6 hr. Woke up just after 3 AM feeling like I'd been run over by a truck. Normally I get 8-9 hr sleep, but maybe I can take a nap today?

Did have some positive thoughts this morning. Did a pilates video and the end stretching part was to close your eyes and think of 3 things you are grateful for: my husband, my daughter, my cats. And my shower afterward felt good on my muscles.

Actually managed grocery curbside pickup and put away the groceries. Used my SAD lamp. I think I may try doing my coloring app on my iPad and listen to a documentary on TV while coloring. Sometimes it helps.

Still having dissociation, panic and random sui thoughts. Not as bad as yesterday though. At least so far.

Slalom today with no Miki she's okay though, just a little scraped up (she showed a nice looking scrape on her hip on her FB). Super lucky!

I need to get in the shower. I took Tylenol PM (I know...) last night and got up super late this morning. Woke up, looked out the window, and med person had just rolled up. I had a major split last night. Sometimes I need to be in a sensory deprivation tank for like three days.

I got this bottle of berberine thinking I'd try it for weight loss. I haven't yakked all day. I think because I don't want loads of soda and sparkling water and sugar now? Idk. I mean, whatever works I guess. I know theres other side effects and its not guaranteed to work for weight loss. But I'll give it a try.

There was a pair of bonded kittens called Boober and Goober at my volunteer job today lol 😃

Today is my partner’s father’s funeral and I’m wearing all black and black nails for the funeral. Going to do a full set of makeup this morning.

Berbrine is a bad idea. I read the side effects and they can really wreck your stomach and cause all kinds of issues. And tbh. I've been in bed all day with a bad stomach ache I've been trying to ignore.

Just found this: The FDA in America issued a warning in 2019 to say that there are respiratory risks with gabapentin. If anyone already suffers from asthma or chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder (COPD) then they should speak about this with their doctor before they take gabapentin.Feb 9, 2023

I had that week of asthma and steroids a week before the anaphylaxis started! All good information to tell the allergist! I also sent this to my primary and will show my pnurse when I see her.

Having thanksgiving with my mom and kids- except N3 says he’s too tired to come.

I expect my pnurse to call me tomorrow- or make me a soon appointment. I hope so anyway. I guess the Gabapentin Is out of my system by now since last time I took it was Friday night. And it’s a low dose yes but that didn’t keep me from reacting to it. So I hope I don’t get any withdrawal symptoms.

Played some guitar too.

Depression really sucks. I'd rather be manic, I don't care how destructive my last bought of mania was, it was better than this.

I did have some positive points today, so I'm trying my best to hold on to those. And my sister did finally call to check on me today. At least the sui thoughts are not constant right now, just flit in and out.

Didn't nap today, so I hope I can sleep well tonight.

I have been wondering if this latest round of depression could have been triggered not only by the stress of the time of year for me but also maybe perimenopause? I mean, my last period was 2 days long (when it usually goes on for a week and then a few more days of spotting). And then yesterday, when I was really thinking the hospital was imminent, I had strong ovary pains on my left ovary, mittelschmerz, I believe is the German name for it. So I'm suspicious my hormones were NOT helping out my mood in the least yesterday. Oh, and then I had night sweats last night which is either due to the change in the quetiapine dose (that always causes me night sweats) or perimenopause. Fun times.

Ugh. My husband is sick. Texted me and said he's been blowing his nose every couple of minutes. I texted back, "NOOOOOO!!!!!" Lol. Blowing my nose hurts. My piercing is still too fresh for excessive nose blowing! I know I'm going to get whatever he has, sooner or later. I'm very upset. 😡 Not at him obviously. Just the situation. Boohoo!

Maybe I'll get lucky and not get it. I know I will though. Illness always goes in this order in my family - first Husband, then Daughter, then me. I'm always the last one to get it.

Spent all day with my daughter. 😊 It's was great. She didn't want to go to grandma's. She wanted to stay home with me. I'm doing pretty good right now. I'm going to see how my husband feels about her spending all Sunday with me. I think he should be fine with it.

I'm enjoying these teenage years SO much more than the baby/toddler/little girl years so far. I didn’t like those years. Parenting a teenager is coming much more easily for me. I suppose it helps that she's very well behaved. I just found pre-teen mentally and emotionally draining and incredibly stressful. I don't remember most of my thirties, I was in the hospital so much.

Ordered this roasting pan on sale for Cyber Monday. It was $14, down from $20. It’s gonna be used for my Christmas turkey. I might try making homemade cranberry sauce if I’m able to to go with it. Basically having the turkey, stuffing (boxed), mashed potatoes (instant), Brussels sprouts, store bought rolls, cranberry sauce (homemade), egg custard pie (homemade) , chocolate chip pumpkin bread (homemade).

I started reading/working through a Self Love Workbook for Women.

I’m doing pretty good. Had a decent day. Volunteering went well

Oh yeah I’m also making sweet potato pie

Reading my portal visit notes it seems nobody is taking me seriously except a couple nurses over the phone- one at the hospital line and one from my psych np’s office. . At least I solved the mystery my damn self! Allergies are no joke! And now I am not on any psych meds and there are no more for me to try! What the actual ****! Yes I’m pissed!

Twenty-five years ago at Scrabble club a guy i admired told me about a word he liked to play because it's so obscure: CTENOID, a type of fish scale. It's so weird because it starts with a CT-. I've been longing to play it ever since and finally did it tonight! Yay! Scrabble's so unpredictable.

I dozed away the day but got active tonight doing my hallway walking. Sundays are my least favorite day of the week. I skipped my ZOOM games night because i haven't been enjoying it lately. I got an invitation to the building holiday party but i won't go because i don't like parties.

I safely made it back from my trip to see family yesterday. It's good to be back on this forum and "see" you all! I was able to skim over some of the posts I missed and see multiple people have been struggling mentally and/or physically. Thinking of all of you and sorry you are struggling! I'm sorry I can't respond to posts I've missed.

The trip went well-my mood remained stable the entire time! I'm noticing that the longer I live away from family, the more of an outsider I feel around them. My city life is just so different than their small town life. I was able to get in some quality time with my godsons though and that is always good for the soul. They are getting so big! Traveling triggered my POTs symptoms though. I should have scheduled an IV for today, but chose to get together with a friend instead. My body crashed hard because of this.

Tomorrow is back to school. Four of five days are a weird schedule this week so we are really hitting the ground running. I also have a retina exam and see my pdoc this week. If I am really struggling at work tomorrow, I might take Tuesday off so I can rest up.

Funeral was good, if you can say that about a funeral. Small and intimate which is what he wanted. I only cried when I saw my partner crying …

I’ve got an addiction and that’s spending wayyyy too much money on an at home manicure set. I did my first set on my own tonight. No, it doesn’t look like I did my nails at a salon and it looks like I did them myself but hey it’s my first ever set so onwards and upwards from here, right? I can only get better with this with time. And I had so much fun doing it. I think removal will be a *** but that’s part of the parcel.

I fell asleep at 5:30 so I woke up around 3. Its not a big deal. I wish Spotify wrapped would come out.

I got back to sleep for another hour. So I feel pretty ok now.

On the bus heading to the grocery store

So I'm dating a dude that used to beat me up in middle school now :P we caught up, I told him about the bipolar shyt, and HE asked ME if I'm gonna hurt him haha. I should to make it even but nahh, I'm a good girl (they wish)

Med nurse told me this morning to take the trazodone tonight because last night instead of sleeping I was pretty much just wondering if I accidentally ingested a hallucinogen.

But trazodone is kinda like seroquel in the crazy dream aspect so it might not be too different from last night, just I'll be legitimately asleep.

Gonna go dye my hair. Good mix going on of Foo Fighters, Halsey, Deftones, Smashing Pumpkins, Thrice, Rainbow Kitten Surprise, OLD Maroon 5, J Mascis/Dinosaur Jr, Machine Gun Kelly, Modest Mouse, and on and on. I don't know how Youtube put this together but it's PERFECT for getting the bathroom purple and sending nudes to someone where you are equally and intensely paranoid of each other

I got some good stuff today at the grocery store. London broil from the deli. Brownies. Stuff to make the three desserts I’m making for Christmas. Hot chocolate. And various other things. Lots of fruit. Oatmeal, Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, eggs, English muffins. Stuff for London broil sandwiches (sandwich rolls, Swiss cheese, horseradish sauce). One of my favorite sandwiches. 3 graham cracker pie crust shells, canned pumpkin, chocolate chips , sugar.

It’s really cold out today.

One of my packages came today. It had the gift I bought for my sister for Christmas in it. It’s really nice. My nieces gift and my cats gifts are coming tomorrow and Wednesday.

Got my household essentials for the most part. Only thing left to buy is some toilet paper for the month and dry cat food. Got litter, laundry soap pods, shampoo, sponges, pack of 80 trash bags already. Everything else I’m already stocked up on pretty good , have plenty of cleaning supplies , and febreeze , toothpaste, mouthwash, heads for my oral B toothbrush, floss, dish soap etc so I’m good for the month now.

Trying to not use paper towels. I stopped using paper towels like a couple months ago. Cause I have plenty of reusable cleaning cloths and whatnot. Idk I just feel paper towels are kind of wasteful. They’re really convenient but also really wasteful. I’d rather use reusable cleaning stuff I can just throw in the washer when I’m done with it. I do use paper towels occasionally but rarely anymore.