Bipolar Check-in #85

I'm pretty visbly irritated today. Mainly my pants were bugging me because they had buttons instead of zippers so that and my carhartt winter jacket made me feel like I was wearing a weighted blanket.

I went to Target and they didn't have what I was looking for so I did a curbside pickup and then they had it.

And I had therapy and I was telling her how hungry I had been all day and then like mid session she pulls out a chocolate belvita biscuit and I'm just like wtf. And I know theres 2 in those packages plus she had an unopened package. But like why would you eat in front of your client you know is ravenous?

I'm home now in pajama pants trying to rewind.

@MountainDewed - I think it is very unprofessional & rude for your T to eat during your therapy session. If anything, she should have offered you the package if she'd heard you were hungry. She shouldn't eat in front of you at all during a therapy session.

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wow. how long has she been at her job? very unprof. i would never eat n frnt on a client

About 10 years. When we were ending our session she said "I hope you get to try these biscuits." Idk if she realized her mistake about eating in front of me.

I did pick up a box from the grocery store this afternoon.

I have had this bad ingrown toenail for a few days that just keeps getting worse. My mom is trying to get me to go to immediate care but I'm being stubborn. I'll go in the morning if its not better. I don't feel sick or anything from it like if I had an infection.

I had a productive day. Cleaned my whole apartment. Attempted to practice violin but only got like 10 minutes done because my cat is obsessed with me playing the violin and repeatedly jumps in my lap while I try to practice every single time lol was able to read some. And I focused enough to watch an entire movie all the way through without stopping. Which is normally really hard for me. I typically end up stopping and starting movies 30 times before I finish them because I get distracted every 5 minutes and can’t sit still and watch something all the way through without getting the urge to do something else

I’m having an average morning. Still feeling a bit blue about going back to work. My son is desperately waiting for his Rc car to arrive that we bought online. He thinks it’s coming today but I’ve been trying to explain to him it’s likely not coming today because I’ve had no communication from the company that we ordered it from plus it will take at least a week to get here! I’m going to take him to the skatepark later on so he can let off some steam. I bought some yummy almond biscuits and leftover minced pies on clearance at my supermarket this morning. The minced pies are delicious now I’m waiting to try the almond biscuits! I did my nails yesterday but I didn’t use tips. Almost instant regret when I had finished. I don’t like short nails. I’ll redo them next week and add tips.

I felt pretty good today. I actually felt excited about something, which is the first time that has happened in weeks. In one of my subjects, today was also one of the topics I prefer to teach (over the others) so that was fun. And, I had a successful meeting with my boss. I'm a little stressed about a task I have to take care of at work, but the stress level is nothing over the top.

My POTs symptoms have been acting up today, so I just spent the evening resting. I plan on heading to bed early in hopes that the extra rest will help things equalize a bit again. I have a very busy weekend ahead, so an evening of rest was probably a good idea since my weekend won't feel very restful. A four day work week would be really nice, but that would make the school year calendar very interesting since there are state requirements for how much students need to be in school each year.

Caleb’s not coming this weekend because it’s going to snow where he is Friday afternoon into Saturday morning. Only 2 inches but I guess he’s afraid to drive even though the roads should be cleared. Next weekend no snow.

I had an interesting fun evening. I invited 3 other people from the building to go with me to bingo at the eagles. Must be karma because I won 67 dollars. Would have been even more fun if they had won too. But we had a nice time.

It snowed while we were playing bingo but I did ok, driving. I’m a very nervous driver since hitting black ice a few years ago. I’m getting better though.

I started doing some serious novel planning tonight. Hopefully it goes somewhere. 🙏 I think it will. I'm feeling pretty passionate about it. I think it'll be my next novel.

I'm up early this morning. Supposed to have bad weather coming in today-- so I probably will only work a few hours today. Hope the day goes well.

I fell asleep at 7:30. Last night. I woke up at 11 and then again at 1:30 and I said "no. Thats too early. You need to get back to sleep." So I did and then I got up around 5 and ate breakfast and worked out and watched the news. I woke up a bit anxious but I'm feeling ok now. The metformin seems to be going fine. I've lost a few pounds with excercise and my hunger was controllable yesterday and it seems ok today.

I had GI issues last night and was up in the middle of the night for an hour. I'm a bit better this morning but was so nauseous I was gagging and thought I would throw up and am still having GI issues. I took a rest day from exercise because I feel dehydrated and weak, just not quite myself. A bit tired too from the night I had. My stupid period is not helping things. I have been bleeding and now spotting for TWO WEEKS. I thought it was finally over yesterday afternoon, but nope! Spotting again this morning. I am sick of this!

I still need to eat breakfast, but my stomach isn't settled enough for food. Probably will draw and read some. If I feel better in the afternoon, my daughter wants to go to the library for her volunteer shift.

Not sure why being a llama gives me more anxiety than dying. Oh wait...

I feel like I should get back into yoga. I have scoliosis at a "if I was still growing, they'd brace me, if I saw a knife-happy ortho, I'd get fused, but decent core muscles keep me okay" level (how did I write "d cecent dcore muscles"???) and between being unable to sleep anywhere other than the couch or the floor and usually not the floor because itchy carpet, a lot of regular driving (for me), and my only physical activity recently being chopping/loading wood and walking, my right side of my back and my neck is starting to hurt again. I'll probably do a little after meds if that's a thing this morning (the pharmacy is being the pharmacy which is cool because it's Friday and they close from 5pm tonight to 9am Monday so hurry up, my legal drug dealers).

I've never really been an impulsive/excessive spender even when manic, but I'm wondering if that's starting to be a thing. Haven't slept well in like a week and I got two hoodies, a pair of sweats, and a book yesterday (from thrift store so only about $20), and this morning I was like "I'm low on tea" and now have over $100 of leaves coming to me... I don't really have other manic symptoms though. Other than at times severe paranoia, thinking going for a hike in jeans and a flannel when it's snowing and there's a -6F windchill is a good idea, and spending half my day pacing around the house in a fantasy world of "what if we engineer a pandemic to wipe out genetic and viral autoimmune problems?" type thoughts at warp speed. I saw a bobcat on my hike too. That's not a manic symptoms, it was just cool.

I'm gonna go play some of my shyt-tar.

Blah...only produced one drawing today I am satisfied with. I need some of the drawing graphite pencils beyond 6B (8B, 9B or so). Put the image in the Creative Corner forum. I started on a different work book as I was getting frustrated with the remaining pics in the last one. Don't like this book as much as the one I used before. But my birthday is coming up, so I am going to ask for more art supplies

Mood is pretty flat today, but I didn't sleep well and I could be feeling better physically. I know I shouldn't get frustrated, these days happen, and at least I'm not depressed. But flat isn't wonderful, especially not after having a run of really good even happy days.

Whole body aches. Called the drs office but nobody’s called back.

Well, no going to the library today. I'm still feeling weak and somewhat nauseous. Just going to have some chicken noodle soup for lunch. I am almost never sick though I am pretty sure this is related to hormones and not a bug because I often feel unwell (just not this unwell) around ovulation which falls approx. 2 weeks into my cycle.

I still haven't done anything about my toe. I soaked it last night but that didn't help. I slept without socks thinking that would help. But its still red.

Ugh. I could use a nap

My neighbor had a thing, so I got to take Chili dog for a walk which was cool (literally). Then I got my meds and did a bit o' yoga. Now I'm just working on my "crying instead of sleeping" playlist because it needs to be way longer apparently (suggestions of all genres welcome ).

It is bright out there today, and I did not appreciate having to get my meds when the sun was even more in my face while driving than my usual time. Doesn't help I took my glasses off and forgot to put them back on when I left (don't worry, I'm 20/30 in at least one eye so it's legal. On a related note I learned driving in ski boots is legal, and at least one ice coaster has crashed in a ski area parking lot).

When I got back from the hospital I talked to that guy for a few days pretty much just through FB messenger, but I deleted FB, got his number, and said nothing against him, but I needed a lot of space or I'm going to be mean. It's been weeks, and I feel like I should tell him to just move on/forget about me if he hasn't already, but also I feel like I'd be "more alone" although I don't feel right about just "give me a few days" and it's an entirely new year now. I don't know how I feel about relationships in general.

I should probably eat.

It’s my partner’s birthday woohoo. We’re probably going to the mall after he’s been for a run … then we are going out for dinner tonight.

I just re-scheduled an appointment at the same hospital where I see my pdoc and when I did I noticed when they scheduled me for a year with my pdoc they didn't schedule me for August or September. Now I'm anxious. My pdoc will probably be able to fix it and I see her Monday but now I'm very anxious about it, especially since I need to cancel or re-schedule June because I'll be on vacation when I'm scheduled. So in theory I could only see her once from May to October and that's just not good at all.


I did finish everything on my to-do list I've been working on for the last 2 weeks so I should feel proud of myself. I'll feel better after I talk to her. I feel like sending a message letting her know this is coming but 3:30 on a Friday is not a good time to reach out. So I'll wait a few days. And since my entire afternoon has been stressful I may take a PRN Seroquel.

Everything is done though. That IS good. And Monday comes soon.

Tell your partner we said "happy birthday!" if they know you use this forum haha

Appointment with psychiatrist on Monday. Going to ask to try wellbutrin. I made a pros and cons list and the cons in switching were that I'm stable right now (besides some breakthrough symptoms, but that's the light therapy lamp's fault), and that the wellbutrin could end up causing me intolerable anxiety again (but when I was on it before I wasn't on as much gabby and I wasn't on seroquel). The pro list was quite long! My therapist is coming with me to my appointment, so she'll help me remember things I'll probably forget or think aren't important, but actually are.

I was reading that one of the most painful things to experience as a parent is estrangement from your child, and it made me feel really bad because I'm estranged from my parents. I don't want to cause them any pain, but there's like no having a relationship with my mom. There's no communication. There's no mutual respect. She just makes me feel bad and guilty about everything and says I'm selfish, and that my husband is selfish, and some of the things she's said to me are just crazy to me now that I'm a parent! Like when they made me feel guilty for all the money they spent raising me. That's what you DO as a parent! That's so STUPID.

Ugh. Whatever. I don't know what to do.

I keep like mentally splitting on people lately. Not outwardly but internally. Like I hold all the rage and anger inside over stupid things that I overreact to m. Trying to deal with it with one of my DBT workbooks cause I keep working myself into anger and tears