Bipolar Check-in #85

We’re getting a snow storm here now! Two to four inches until 1 a.m. I hope they have the roads cleared by 9 a.m. because I have a drs appointment in the morning. Whole body aches.

Gosh, don’t know what to say. Last night I couldn’t sleep the bed and pillows were rocks. So about 3an I took two 25 mg seroquel and one gabby. It didn’t take long to put me out. I slept until 4pm,…more than 14 hours! What nice sleep. Just nothingness. I’m still hung over though. Seroquel really does knock me out.

Lost in so much despair. Finally stable now that I am back on Lithium. Lost my boyfriend, lost my two jobs. The heartache is unforgivable. I can't even cry that's how much I've lost.

I had some overnight oats for dinner. They got stuck in my throat real bad and I was panicking because I felt like I couldn't breathe properly. It was like 15 minutes with no relief my mom told me to do after making some not funny joke.

How come I can find sexual activity as a workout on my Lose It app but not leg lifts?

mooore snow for us. 5-6 inches tninight and 2 more inches on monday.

not moitvated at all

I'm feeling manic again today. I've had a euphoric buzz all day and have been super productive. I've been restless, but able to fight it/channel that into getting stuff done. Instead of 12.5 mg, I should probably take 25 mg tonight But, I have a commitment I can't miss tomorrow morning so I don't want to risk getting side effects that could make me not be able to attend the thing I have. This form of manic I can handle-I do much better handling life with a euphoric buzz that I can channel into productivity. And, it's easier for me to socialize. The scary part is what will it turn in to?

I am in a little bit of survival mode because my anxiety spiked today too. My boss is having us sign contracts WAY before I have the opportunity to look for a new job-he is having us sign contracts for next year before other schools even start posting openings for next year. So, if I want to get a new job, I'll have to break the contract I'll need to sign soon. And, my roommate is thinking about moving out of state which means I'll need to move when our lease is up because there is no way I can afford to pay for where we live by myself.

Time to go put my laundry away and then see if I can get my very wired brain to slow down a bit. I have already taken my 12.5 mg of seroquel so, hopefully, that will help.

More novel planning done. I should be able to begin it, well, now. I have a feeling it's going to come out of me like diarrhea! I'm probably going to start it tomorrow though. I don't need to be up all night writing and work myself into a writing mania because that doesn't end well.

I was only up an hour, went back to bad until 9 pm! I really hope I can sleep tonight. I’m not hungry so that’s good, I’ll just take my night meds on an empty stomach and hope for the best. Reminds me of being in the hospital when they medicated the manic out of people. They didn’t mind people being so over medicated they couldn’t think straight but they did mind mania. Even if all I did was sit in the corner reading book after book if it was after lights out the medicated you. Now I’m guilty of doing it to myself. Although honestly I didn’t think 50 mg of seroquel and one gabby would do that! Wow. Next time just one seroquel will be enough. I’m lucky I had nothing pressing to do today. I wanted to go get gas and odds and bits I need but it wasn’t urgent. I can go tomorrow, I hope?

ughh ANOTHER NIGHT I'M NOT GOING TO GET GOOD SLEEP!!!!

Guess I'll just listen to
My fate or the monster, you know I'm scared
I might be worried and you're not there
But I search for a reason, find the excuse
You know I'm willing and I like the abuse
for the 30th-45th times today

because it's a Head For a Breakdown kinda day

genuinely considering doing things I shouldn't do and not even like an impulsive kind of way. Just a "been wanting to for like four days straight and I don't think people that came up with the idea of 'urge surfing' genuinely believed people--people who's charts are a line of "poor decision making skills, poor impulse control, poor insight, poor judgement..." at that--can surf with so many vulnerability factors at play for that long.

If I look at it this way and get it over with in the next 45 minutes, it'll be "today (1/10/25) was a day of more bad choices instead of two days of (the same amount of) bad choices. Ha, I don't think it works like that because tomorrow I'll probably do some other dumb shyt.

Nah, I got another idea. Not one that's any better really. (I think I'll do both!)

edit: this post was worked on during two separate days I think that's the first time I edited a post on a day it wasn't posted (I did the original stupid thing "yesterday")

I asked my mom if she can drive me as she has a garage and she said no! What a jerk.

Good morning. I slept okay. Not great. But better than nothing I suppose. I slept 5 hours last night and 3 the night before that. I'm trying to take a look at my routine throughout the days I sleep good versus on the days/nights I sleep bad. There has to be some sort of pattern I just don't know what it is. I'm feeling pretty decent today not as angry. I got a new anime drawing guidebook so I'm gonna do some drawing exercises from that today. Blueberrys consistency with drawing has really inspired me to get back into it since I kind of fell out of the habit the past month or so. Not sure what the plans are today. It snowed a few inches. That's nothing compared to what we normally get here in upstate NY, sometimes a couple feet of snow. We've barely gotten any snow this year. Mostly ice coatings.

I might try to finish a book I'm reading today. Other than that probably play some videogames. and do some of those drawing exercises while I listen to music.

@LadyShadow - So glad to hear from you and that you are stable again. I'm so sorry for all your difficulties. I hope things improve for you soon

I'm doing a lot better this morning after a day of GI stuff. Still a little weak from it all, but I managed a gentle pilates video this morning. It's still cold out. I had to go to Walgreens this morning, and there was frost on my car windshield. I couldn't find the stupid ice scraper in my car; I didn't have to use it at all last winter. Finally found one buried under the seat in H's car. It's supposed to start warming up soon, and I can't wait. I really hate the cold!

I read with the SAD lamp, and I am going to the library soon because I have a few holds on books about to expire. Afterwards, laundry and some drawing and reading.

I cancelled the dr appointment this morning. I didn’t want to deal with the snow. My friend brought me Starbucks! Been watching Gabriel Iglesias’ new comedy special called Legend of Fluffy. It’s on Netflix. Getting high ratings. I texted my guy friend to see if he wants to get lunch. He sleeps in a lot so it could be a while. I’m still sore.

I'm doing well today. I haven't accomplished anything but I feel better than I have the last little bit. I know it's rather early but maybe the increase of the Effexor is helping. I do just feel a little more "reigned in" emotionally, but in a good way. The snow has given me a day off, so I get a 3 day "weekend" for myself and I'm excited about. I'll use it to reflect and work on personal goals/growth and a plan for the year. I got Therapy Monday so I can share that with her then.


Hope everyone is doing well.

I was able to sleep. Still hung over. Slept until 11 and didn’t get out of bed until noon. Had lots of interesting dreams which faded away as I laid in bed thinking I should get up. But why. I’ve nothing urgent to do. And the warmest part of the day isn’t until 1pm. Until 3pm.

I need to get moving, but ugh. 27f is still cold. But that’s warm for here this time of year. I just want to hibernate until spring. Ugh gotta get gas.

Tonight I use no extra meds and we’ll see!

Woke up at 4:30 feeling like it was 6:00am. Managed to sleep another hour. We’re visiting my partner’s mother….,again……..we go EVERY weekend and to be frank I’m getting tired of it. I get bored there and I feel like all I do is make small talk and all. I’m thinking of telling my partner I’ll join him every second weekend when I go back to work but it does rob me of family time because he will likely be going with my son too as I don’t think my son will want to just sit around at home with m.

I'm doing good today. I didn't sleep well last night. At least for me. I went to bed at 7 and then I woke up once at 9 and then I was up from 11-2. I woke up at 5 then fell back asleep until 6. I thought I'd be up but then I fell back asleep until 6.

So it wasn't too bad of a night I guess. But I did take a 1.5 hour nap.

My anxiety is fine. My moods are decent.

I caught Daughter's cough she just got over. I've been hacking up a lung and overall just feel sick. If this deep, hacking cough persists for another couple of weeks I'm going to urgent care. I'm not waiting like a month like I did last January and have it develop into walking pneumonia! I got maybe three hours of sleep last night because it was keeping me up, and whenever I drift off into a nap I start hacking again. I'm exhausted.

@LadyShadow

🫂 ❤️

Whole body sore. Still waiting for Robert to text me back. Otherwise I’m gonna take a nap. Finished the video of Fluffy’s new concert- it was too funny.

Love fluffy. Im gonna hafta watch it.

Do! It’s pretty popular!

My friend who has been charging $100 for cuddling with guys now has genital herpes.

But that would not be from cuddling, that would be from "cuddling", if you catch my drift!

Oy. Got my errands done. My legs are so wobbly. I don’t know if it’s from the long time in bed or the extra seroquel. But they felt like they were gonna buckle under me, and of course at Walmart to get the things I needed I had to go from one end to the other. Then in the middle I suddenly had to go the bathroom urgently. I try to never use public restrooms, but I had to so that added to the walking. Geez. Walmart used to have places to sit. Then in covid they took them out but never replaced them. I did get everything on the list. Of course I haven’t eaten yet either. Still not hungry. I think seroquel kills your appetite. Gosh, if just one extra 25 mg can do that! Now that I’m home I have to put everything away.

I’m slowly getting stuff for the picnic in July. Got the tablecloths from the dollar store. When napkins go on sale I’ll get them. But not from the dollar store. I want heavyweight napkins and plates. Last year the picnic was hosted by my cousins that have 6 in the family. This year it just my oldest sister and myself. So there’s less money.

Yes well I’m not hearing the whole story methinks!