Bipolar Check-in #85

Had our potluck today but I didn’t feel much like socializing. I ate then came back up. I needed to eat and don’t really have anything here. I’m just feeling quiet and self sufficient. I read a lot today, really into the book I started.

Feeling sad tonight. A woman I was friends with when we were teenagers but who I've not seen in over 30 years died yesterday. I had been in touch with her on facebook for a while a few years ago and then she suddenly blocked me. I think it had something to do with her husband. Whatever the cause I was so sad when it happened because I was enjoying getting to know her again. I don't know what happened to her. I know she'd had a serious illness some years ago but it had improved when I was talking to her. I found out because our moms are friends but her mom didn't say what happened specifically.

I wish I could say I was sorry to her and/or her husband for whatever I did. I wish we could have been friends as long as possible.

I painted some of my miniatures today. Also read a lot. And played my videogame.

My daughter is sick. 😔 She texted me and told me she has a sore throat and feels like shyt. I told her to rest and drink lots of water. I told her she should take a nap but she said she doesn't like naps because it's a waste of her day. That's exactly what my husband says about naps. She texted me and said she hopes she doesn't have to go to school tomorrow. That made me laugh because it's totally something she would say
She hates school. Haha.

Anyway, eventually fell asleep and got a two hour nap in. Then I did my cleaning chores and took care of the cats. Now I just have to get my *** in the shower. Fudge. I don't wanna! But I must. Sigh.

@BeyondtheRainbow

Sorry to hear about your friend. 🫂 ❤️

Doing laundry now. It’s late. I’m staying up later than I normally do tonight because I don’t have anything important going on tomorrow so it doesn’t really matter what time I get up. I’m not pulling an all nighter. Trying to not do that again.

Just listening to music now. And walking around my apartment. Waiting to change the laundry over later. I didn’t practice violin today. I am going to tomorrow though. Christmas is in like 9 days I’m so excited.

I have to go to the social security office on Tuesday to turn in the paperwork from my psychiatrist for me to be my own payee. I’m hoping they’re not super super busy but we’ll see. Either way I’ll get it done Tuesday. If it takes a couple hours, oh well I guess. I blocked off a majority of my day for it in case I get stuck waiting in there a long time.

Tomorrow I have a coffee event I’m going to in the morning in the community room. Then I’m gonna drop some books off at the library, clean my apartment and practice violin.

Is it normal to feel overwhelmed all the time. I always feel overwhelmed by the stuff I do. Idk if it’s just because I put too much pressure on myself to be productive or what.

Sometimes I just want to clear my to do lists with the exception of absolute priorities like appointments and just take things as I feel like instead of being so rigid with myself.

That’s something I’m working on in therapy. My obsession with being productive 24/7 and creating ridiculously long in depth to do lists that overwhelm me

Like part of me just wants to chill until Christmas. Other than like a few priorities I need to do:

Picking up my meds at the pharmacy
Social security office
And my violin lesson
And grocery shopping

Those are legitimately the only things I need to do. So I might just clear my to do lists for the week of every single thing except those 4 things. Cause I’m getting overwhelmed and I am having a hard time enjoying the holiday season because I stress myself out so much. I don’t make any sense

Sometimes I wonder if I have obsessive compulsive traits. Cause I also have a lot of persistent intrsusive thoughts too and then this obsession that’s been going on for years about schedules

I’m here, lurking in the background. Had a busy few days at my partner’s father’s memorial and then celebrating for my daughter’s 21st but I wanted to stop by and say hi!

My blood results from yesterday are already online today. If I'm reading things correctly, my blood sugar levels are all fine but my cholesterol is high again. Sadly, I don't have any pre risperidone cholesterol levels to compare to, but it has been a little high the entire time I've been on this med and I've read it can increase cholesterol. I'm also wondering if risperidone is why I've put on a few pounds. The weight thing might be my birth control though.

On a different note, a highlight of today is that I made it to Mass. The last two weekends I haven't been feeling well enough to go so it was nice to get back. I also got some laundry put away, did a little cleaning, and read for a tiny bit. I might read some more tonight, just depends on how things go.

Blue bird a few years ago i came across schedules from my pre-teen years. Like a get ready for school schedule to the minute. I never follow them but boy do i like to plan them.

Dyed my hair purple 💜 hopefully it comes out right, had enough dye to dye my husband's hair too. So he has little purple highlights in his hair because it only took on the white. I'm still sick which a scratchy throat and cough. I don't have to go out until Wednesday so hopefully I'll feel better by then.

Not much new here. I'm dragging myself thru a new Netflix series called "No Good Deed." There are too many characters and i don't care about any of them. I'm on episode four of eight. Wish i had something better to do. At least it's a distraction. I was angry about the ancient past earlier, about how inadequate my mom was. When i told her i was getting divorced she didn't even say a word. She just made a sound like, "Aw."

But that's in the past and it would be better if i just let it go. She was a good mom in many other ways, and i was an adult by then anyways. I had a great childhood until i was ten. Lots of others didn't even get that much. Thinking about the past ruins my connection to the present. Not very mindful.

@BeyondtheRainbow:

So sorry for your loss. I lost someone i hadn't been in contact with in a while, my younger sister, and it was still sad. The world seems smaller without her. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

@Blue_Bird:

I admire how active you are but if it's not making you happy, give yourself a break. See how you feel doing less. You might surprise yourself!

@June08:

I've been on Risperdal for years and my cholesterol is fine.

@Nammu:

Glad you got some good food at the potluck. I think it's fine to be independent. I've been called anti-social but i just say, "Well at least i am not UNCLE social!"

Purple hair club whoo !!!!

Woke up at nine, it was a nice nap. Drank, made pumpkin pancakes (I made like 12 but ate one and a half lol) and watched family guy, and now I'm still drinking. I took a trazodone too. Hope I'm not dead in the morning. (I've only had like 3 drinks so it's not like I'm completely fking gone)

This may be TMI, but

I also had an epiphany that I'm a huge fking nerd today. On a math meme group on facebook I posted a(nother) comment on a post, became top comment, and went back and checked and NEXT TO MY NAME SAYS "TOP FAN." I don't want to be TOP FAN of a math meme group (I kinda do. I'll accept being a nerd. )

Kinda wanna call the crisis line and be like "ayy, I'm pretty sure I'm like a starfish and I want to see what happens if I put myself in a wood chipper." but I know that would probably destroy the world if there were a hundred Muddyboots so for humanity's sake. I don't know.I could go swimming. Or ice skating. Or start ice skating and at any given second go swimming.

What's the punishment for slashing somebody's tires if

Why does Meg Myers turn me on soooo much?
Honey, I wanna break you
I wanna throw you to the hounds
Yeah, I gotta hurt you
I gotta hear it from your mouth
Boy, I wanna taste you
I wanna skin you with my tongue
I'm gonna kill you
I'm gonna lay you in the ground

Maybe I should get back to bed. Maybe not. I don't know. I still have some vodka left. There was a sale. NH liquor is cheap af. NEW HAMPSHIRE HATES THE TAXER!

I slept for 4 hours. I feel weird but maybe its because I've just had wedding cookies and half a sandwhich and some Pepsi in the last 36 hours. My room smells like fried farts and assholes as my dad would say. I need to do something tommorow. I'm not depressed. Just a bit off and tired.

My body is still sore. Could be from my fall or lack of sleep or both. Gabapentin is making me dizzy. I restarted it at 100 two nights ago. Scott the behavioral pharmacologist friend who worked on Gabapentin says that’s normal.

Good morning. Slept alright. About 6 hours. Had coffee, washed my face then sat outside in the cold for a bit to try and wake myself up. Have a coffee social thing in the community room I’m going to today at 10am. Other than that just doing whatever I feel like. I want to finish my book, Im almost done with Fourth Wing. Then start the next one Iron Flame. I am gonna practice violin because I have a lesson on Sunday I need to be prepared for. Other than that just whatever I feel like which will be some combination of video games and shows.

I’m excited for Christmas. I feel like a kid impatiently waiting for it to get here. I feel like the days are dragging by the closer it gets to Christmas. I just want it to be here already lol

That’s the thing I love making them but I never follow them. I think I’m one of those people that just doesn’t like a schedule. Like I love planning things out but actually sticking to it, no. Trying to make myself follow a strict schedule is the exact way to make me not do anything on it because maybe I don’t like being told what to do even if it was made by me? Lol

I slept from about 6:30-6. But I was up a few times through out the night using the bathroom and eating a couple snacks and stuff. I did 155 push ups so far and I'm watching The Today Show. I feel pretty decent today. A lot better then I did this weekend.

I tend to do better not following a schedule and just doing what I want to do in the moment. I actually tend to be more productive that way. When I create schedules like I do I end up procrastinating on every. single. Thing. Because everything feels like a looming task ahead of me that I HAVE to do even if it’s something I want to do. If that makes sense.

Exactly that occurred to me the other day - why cant i do what i WANT to do first? Its like i am still obeying an authoritative voice that does not trust my choices. What i want now IS best for me. Its not (necessarily!) cookies. It IS cabbage.

I am sooooo happy!

Interaction checker, here I come

had a busy weekend and my class is so crazy hard. hoping itll ly by. its a 14 day class. ugh. whyd i do this to myself? oh yea to ease my load inthe spring to 3 classes not 4. may can hurry up! im getting tired of school. come january ill have been in school for 5 years.

My mom is mad at me. What’s new?