Bipolar Check-in #85

I took a shower and that helped some. Now I'm alternating between watching South Park and watching Game of Thrones. Which are good distractions. Also got a bunch of new games on my tablet today so am gonna try those out. Games tend to be really good at helping me when I'm dissociating

Just got word that my granddaughter is home safe. It’s an icy mess out there. But she had a birthday party. My daughter drove her but was sliding all over so her other grandfather picked her up to bring home. Now everyone is home safe and I can relax a bit. My ambien was ready at the pharmacy but I wasn’t going out in that! I have enough extra that I’ll be fine until Monday. I was neglecting to order it on Thursday so I could pick it up Friday when I was doing errands. Ambien is one of those controlled substances that you have to wait until you’re almost out to reorder. In the winter it’s fun to also run the gauntlet of snow days and good driving days. But my bad this time cause I forgot.

Got most of my apartment cleaned today, just have the bedroom left. I can do that tomorrow. Inspection is on Tuesday.

Blue bird back when I used to dissociate I used games too. I used game boy, Tetris was my favorite. Although Zelda was pretty good. I always had it with me.

@Nammu - Those sound like bad road conditions! LOL, if ever there is a sign of ice or snow flurries here, pretty much all the the Houston metropolitan area shuts down except for essential personnel. It rarely happens though, maybe once every 4-5 years or so. No one here knows how to drive in those conditions except people who once lived farther north. I am glad all your family is home safe. Nothing like worrying about loved ones

Yeah it’s always worse the first time of the season. Usually we’ve had snow and ice since the end of November. But this is the first ice of the season so there’s a ton of crashes. I trust my driving but I don’t trust others. They are always going too fast and too close. So those who don’t slow down learn the hard way. ,

Just got done doing my cleaning chores. Slept the majority of the day again. Haven't gotten any submissions read yet. Just want to go back to sleep. I really should take a shower, but I don't feel like it. Motivation at all time low again. Just want to listen to music and dream. I know I really SHOULD get my *** in the shower because it's important to shower everyday or I'll just continue to spiral downwards.

I'm not looking forward to the holidays. I DO NOT want to see extended family. It's too much and I get stressed out and panicky. It happens every year. And I don't really drink, and I have no prns for panic. My diazepam is scheduled, as well as my gabapentin. I could take like 50mg of seroquel I guess. I don't know why I've never done that before. And there's always the mess of there being NOTHING I can eat, unless I bring my own food. Ugh. I don't know. I've just really been stressing. I haven't even been listening to any Christmas music this year. And I always feel uncomfortable receiving presents. I'd prefer if no one bought me anything. I'd ask that, but my husband told me it would make people feel sad. I don't want to make anyone sad.

I think I'm going to start crying.

Fudge! I've only been on half my sertraline dose for two days and I'm ALREADY getting weepy! For fcks sake!!!

@raspberrytorte I'm sorry you have to keep dealing with these stupid side effects.

@Nammu I'm glad your family stayed safe in the winter weather! Winter driving is something I sure don't miss about when I lived in the midwest.

This morning, I got the bloodwork done that my pdoc ordered. So, hopefully, I'll hear back from him this week with the results.

Felt a little manicy this afternoon. I took advantage of the energy for a tiny bit, but I was just jumping from thing to thing because I couldn't focus much. I put myself on a doomscroll and stream tv shows only routine for the rest of the day because, sometimes, doing absolutely nothing helps when I feel like this. I'm not sure what triggered it. Maybe caffeine and/or the endorphins that come with how much better immediately after getting IV fluids, which I did today. I've heard decongestants can trigger bipolar symptoms too and I took a couple of doses of sudafed today for my sinus infection so maybe that had something to do with it. I don't remember that happening in the past, but there's a first time for everything. Hopefully, I'll be able to get some sleep and that will take care of everything.

Antibiotics don't trigger bipolar symptoms, right?

Today i was able to play my game for a bit. I made a really clever play; i was pleased with it. But i didn't attend the new virtual Saturday night social because i have nothing to say and i don't think you should go to social events and be silent. I tried a new TV series but quickly got overwhelmed. I mostly just laid around again. I DID enjoy the full moon tho, so bright!

Yep. Currently crying after listening to Euclid by Sleep Token at 5AM for the 100th time after getting zero sleep last night. What is WRONG with me? WHY am I already getting depressed after only being on a reduced dose of sertraline for THREE DAYS NOW?! It's fudging happening again.

I feel so bad too because Sunday is my day with my daughter but I feel so terrible I asked my husband to take her to his mom's house for the day. I don't want her to see me all depressed and crying and sht, but I feel so damn GUILTY. I mean, I feel like the only mom on the planet with these issues. What other mom has them? NONE. I'm a fudging defective parent and she was really looking forward to working on the book we're writing together too.

😭😭😭😭

I think I'm going to go cry on the kitchen floor now so I don't wake my husband up.

I’ve charged up my credit cards again. Got a notice that my score’s gone down in my email. I can pay them off next month but I can’t do it again !

@Nammu I’m a big Zelda fan! That’s awesome I used to have a gameboy advance when I was younger. And a Nintendo 64. Now I have the Nintendo Switch, an Xbox One and I play games on my phone, tablet and laptop too

I have a volunteer shift with the rescue cats today. After that not much going on. Gonna practice violin and get on the treadmill when I get home.

I slept really good. 8 1/2 hours.

Gonna read for a bit this morning. About 70% through Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros.

Just listening to some music and drinking a coffee at the moment.

I feel blah today. then I felt dizzy awhile later and my pulse was 122

I still did 150 push ups. I took some dramamine and I just feel blah today physically. My anxiety seems ok though. I took my Geodon with some cookies which helped.

Took my normal dose of sertraline this morning. Still weepy. Now I'm listening to Imminence, my new favorite band, and we get to see them in March! Calling psychiatrist tomorrow. Telling her I'm fed up. Telling her I can handle this no longer and we need to make a med change BEFORE January 13th because I'm so horned up with no relief I can handle it no longer. This is TERRIBLE.

I got two hours of sleep last night. No motivation again today. Have to take a shower because didn't yesterday, but don't have the energy or motivation. I guess I'll just be a greasy schizo for a while. Whatever. I'm going to do my best to get in the shower though or my husband and daughter will start harassing me about it. That's so ANNOYING. Fck!!

GOD! I TOOK 400MG OF SEROQUEL AND HAVE NEVER FELT MORE AWAKE YET UNMOTIVATED AND DEPRESSED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

My husband doesn't think my GP is going to be able to help me either. I know my therapist just cares about me, but constantly being harassed about getting my hormones checked is making me want to tell her to leave me the fck alone. I'll make an appointment when I'm ready. God! LEAVE ME THE FCK ALONE!!!!

@raspberrytorte - I'm so sorry for your difficulties. I have the opposite problem of having ZERO sex drive.

I'm a little less manicky feeling this morning, which is good. I took a 5 mile power walk, showered, read while using the SAD lamp, had breakfast, and sketched. The good news is I think the SAD lamp is helping my depression - much fewer SI thoughts, thoughts around death in general. Sometimes I think I'm a bit hypomanic, but I don't mind. Just have to be careful with spending though.

My daughter is having a birthday party today, but thank God, neither she nor H expected me to go, so I don't have to face all those people. Feel like SHYT as a mom, but I don't do well at all at parties.

My sketch such as it is. Top of the flower got cut off uploading though.

How does one turn off the prefrontal cortex?

@MuddyBoots

Lobotomy?

@Blueberrybook

I had zero sex drive on Cymbalta too. I always just thought it was because I was getting old. I didn't make the connection until after I went off it.

One of the kitties today from my volunteer job

Had a good shift. Now home dissociating a bit so need to relax and play a game or watch something

I think I’m gonna skip the treadmill today. I got enough of a workout at my volunteer job today. It doesn’t seem like it would be but it’s a very physically active job. Lots of bending/squatting down, picking things up , trying to catch cats especially the kittens cause the like to hide and are hard to get back in their cages especially if it’s one of the double wide cages and there’s more than one kitten that stays in there. Put one in, one pops out etc over and over.

There was also a 3 legged kitten there. He was so cute

Where I volunteered three legged dogs & cats went fast. People awed and ood over them.

N3 got 105% on his physics final! Semester grades not posted yet. He signs up for winter semester on Wednesday with his academic advisor.

Yes people go crazy over them. This one was a feisty little thing, so cute though lol I’m sure he’ll get adopted quickly

I’m gonna be painting some of my miniature figures today while I have a anime show playing in the background on my tablet/headphones. They’re like these little figures that you use in tabletop games such as dungeons and dragons etc. this particular game is called Descent.

I took about an hour nap from 11:35-12:39. And I woke up feeling so much better. I swear these naps I've been taking a lot are legit helping a ton with my physical stuff. I got my laundry started and my mom put my med box together. Now I'm just listening to music.

I feel fine mental health wise. I only took 2 valium.

I am so tired lately. Got up at noon and feel like it’s bedtime when it’s only quarter to five.

I took my mid-day Ritalin a lot later than I usually do today, and passed right out after. I'm still soooo tired though. I'd go back to sleep, but I don't want to be wide awake at 11pm.

alright,. I do gotta go sleep sleeps.