Bipolar Check-in #85

I just cancelled two video visits at the dr because they want you to sign a document saying you will pay for the visit if your insurance won’t! **** that!

muddy, be careful with those old pills. We don't want to see anything bad happen to you. Though I am just as guilty in keeping old bottles of pills around, don't have any benzos left though...I trashed a lot of lithium after my last hospitalization but that was about it.

@Blue_Bird I understand a bit about the schedule. I am very rigid and OCD about some stuff like in the morning I get up, take care of the cats, put away dishes from the dishwasher, take out trash, exercise, shower, coffee & breakfast, now the SAD lamp too, fold laundry before making lunch. And if I have to do things out of that order, I get anxious and jittery and just feel "off". Pdoc has me with an OCD diagnosis, but I don't think mine is as bad as a lot of people have it. I also get intrusive circling thoughts, some completely nonsense phrases, and they just don't stop though there are times when they are worse than others.

I had night sweats last night so my sleep could have been better. Either it's perimenopause or I messed up my meds in my pillbox. Probably screwed up the meds.

I did pilates this morning and had an early pdoc appt. No med changes. I go back in 3 weeks, but the irritating thing was the receptionist said the schedule was full and she'd call me when there was a cancellation to schedule. She assured me there would be a cancellation for that week, but how do I know to trust that? This is the first time I've ever had that happen there, it is SO irritating. I stopped by Starbucks and then got cash at the bank ATM, came homes, used the SAD lamp while reading, folded laundry. I don't feel as jittery today as I felt at the end of last week, so that's good. I had been feeling almost manicky at times.

Oh joy!!! I can’t do the rapid pass for the Red Cross blood donation cause I have no access to my email until I get my drivers license! Gosh it’s been 7 weeks! No email. What a pain. They won’t accept a passport card or passport only a dl. Well that will be a pain in the neck.

I’ve got to wash my bedding then I’m ready for the inspection tomorrow. Was tearing the bed apart when I realized about the rapid pass.

I have so much to do today on so little sleep. Lots of weird dreams too. Wanted to dye the top of my hair black and underneath red or purple I was in a huge 1960’s automobile with three hair dressers discussing the merits of each. There was something too about having three cars of my own and the middle one was defective and my name for it was recalled. I was devastated. I woke up exhausted. Not good on blood donation day. I’m trying to drink at least 4 bottles of water before my appointment.

Crap I’m at work today. I have a mandatory reporting module to complete and an epilepsy training module to complete.

I'm feeling blah physically again. I've eaten ok. I ordered a bunch of vegetables from Walmart. The pill box has been very helpful and I've only been using it for 12 hours. I would have taken my AM meds twice if it werent for the box.

No word yet from the 2 jobs I applied to. But I've been keeping myself busy by working out and watching non news TV and listening a lot to music. I'm getting 3 books for Christmas so hopefully I can get back into reading

I'll have to figure out where to apply to next.

Having a panic attack. Trying to distract myself

I got on the treadmill for 15 min. Now I’m debating taking a nap because I’m really tired and I’m wondering if sleeping would help get rid of the panic attack. Sometimes sleeping it off helps

I’m guessing it’s a combo of things. One I didn’t sleep great last night. 6 hours of very light, poor quality sleep according to my Fitbit. And then I started my day with a lot of caffeine. And haven’t been eating great. So I think all of that’s contributing to the panic. And just the time of day in general. Idk what it is about the afternoons. But they’re like my worst time of day. I wake up feeling amazing then as the day goes on I feel more and more crappy.

Maybe I should call my GI

The nurse at my GIs office said if things were going fine before and that this has just been going on for a couple days then its just a stomach bug.

I just slept for hours! How many I have no idea! So sore and achey all over because of my fall.i feel like I have the flu. Chills too. No fever.

Oy, I don’t know if I can keep donating blood, maybe this is just because I slept badly, but boy am I light headed. I was fine sitting but walking around the library! Oof. I had to sit often. Then of course was the long walk from the parking lot. I’d hate to have to quit because they need blood so badly. So many of the young generation don’t donate. Everytime I go it’s people around my age.

@Nammu I was actually going to ask you about that. I used to give blood every 56 days. I stopped for a long time but in the last 10 years I've tried several times. Every time I wind up feeling dizzy and unable to drive and it lasts about 24 hours. The last time I actually went back to the room at the library where they were drawing blood and told them I didn't feel good at all. Nobody really cared as they were cleaning up. I just had more juice and cookies and eventually decided I could drive home. For a while I thought I was going to have to have my mom pick me up. So I've not donated since because I don't want another bad reaction or to faint while driving. But I feel bad because I know they really need blood. I assume it's the APs that cause me to get so dizzy and sick feeling. Besides today have you had issues? Any tips?

I got through my panic attack. I just laid there for an hour and a half with my eyes closed. I was really tired but I didn’t fall asleep. Just laid there. Felt really relaxing.

I opened a bank account today since I’m gonna be my own payee since my psychiatrist signed the paperwork for me.

Nothing like that nice spring air that makes you want to play the piano silently with popsicles while listening to ska.

Oo yeah it could be our meds along with our age. I drink a lot of water the day before and the day of. I scheduled my times for afternoon so I can drink lots and eat lunch. I don’t eat breakfast or I’d donate earlier in the day.

That’s terrible that they didn’t care. The people I see would care. They always double check that you’re doing ok. Thankfully I was fine for sitting driving it was walking that did me in. If you’re not ok to drive I’d not donate. I just can’t get over that they didn’t take you seriously. No wonder you don’t want to try again. I don’t know what else to say. We really need the younger generations to step up. Volunteering seems to be going out of fashion.

i need good vibes. im stressing hardcore. why did i take this stupid class? may cant come quick enough.

Wishing this day at work would hurry up and go faster. I finished my mandatory reporting and the epilepsy module (got 100%). Tomorrow is my planning day so I'm sure I'll get a lot done then. The 2 people who teach in the same year level as me are not in today so that's holding me up a bit.

Today was a good day. Friday is the last day of the quarter so it's crunch time to make sure students have all of their work turned in. Thursday is the last day of classes and then Friday is special events/Christmas celebrations. Friday is also an early release day. Then, we have two weeks off for Christmas and New Year's. I have a lot of personal and school to do list items, but I also want to volunteer at the dog shelter at least a few times a week over the break. Winter is when the weather is nice by me so, hopefully, I'll be able to get outside a bit too. I'm not a swimmer, but maybe I'll just go sit by a pool and read for a bit. I also live near a nice park I could go sit at for a bit. And, I'm going to try to start walking again.

I finished the Netflix series i started yesterday called "No Good Deed." It was very messy and lacked focus but it passed the time. I watched a Netflix movie today called "Carry-On." It starred Jason Bateman and he was excellent as a cruel mastermind but it turned into an actioner so i didn't like that.

Well, it's down to the single digits for days-til-Christmas, nine. I'm pretty numb about it. I've been ordering-in food a lot. I even ordered today. Who orders-in on Mondays?! Had fun playing with my dog, she's such a trip! Taking it easy this time of year.

@Blue_Bird:

Congratulations on opening a bank account! It's a whole new era for you!

@MuddyBoots

You're not planning on taking all those pills at once, are you? Please don't if you are!

2AM and I'm up AGAIN! Oh well. Made an appointment to see my GP for a yearly physical on January 8th. Specifically asked if they could check my hormone levels of course, but didn't say why. Saved myself THAT embarrassment. My therapist offered to come with me, but I know I'm overdue for a pap, and I'd rather NOT get naked with my therapist there. I hate paps. They make me angry. 😠

Anyway, so I got THAT taken care of. I never called my psychiatrist though. I'm just going to struggle my way until January 13th. I erupted like a damn volcano last night, so who knows what's going on. It's like 50/50. It sucks. The only thing I'm scared about regarding wellbutrin is getting intolerable anxiety again. I tolerated it fine otherwise last time I was on it. Only side-effect I had was weight loss.

But the first time I was put on haldol I got akathisia really bad and the second time I didn't so I don't know.

Good morning. I slept good. Woke up at 3am because my cat kept biting my fingers and patting g my face because she wanted to play. I stayed up for an hour then fell back asleep. So in total I got 8 hours 20 minutes of sleep.

I started bullet journaling. Hopefully it’s helpful.
Some of the categories I put in for each month:

-Habit trackers (meds, teeth brushing, meditation, exercise, violin)
-Reading log, books I’ve finished for a particular month
-Shows I’m currently watching
-Movies I watched
-how much sleep I got each day of the month
-Games I played and whether I finished them or not or am still playing them
-How many times I volunteered that month
-Any upcoming holidays or birthdays
-Appointments, important things to do
-Favorite songs of the month
-Goals of the month
-How many violin lessons I took each month and what dates
-A section for any important reminders
-Things I’d like to do this month
-Current meds
-Any med changes or side effects to note
-Monthly budget

In my December one I also put a changes to make in 2025 section and a things I did well in 2024 section

For things I did well this year:
-Self care
-Ending my relationship that was not good for me
-Stopped taking edibles/vaping weed
-Read a ton, 60 plus books and counting
-Doing well with keeping apartment clean
-Went to a cafe by myself twice
-Went to the movie theater by myself twice
-Made time for hobbies
-Took my meds consistently for the most part with very few exceptions
-Opened up more in therapy and started EMDR
-Learning to cope with and manage dissociation
-Accepting my diagnosis. I’ve had schizoaffective disorder bipolar type for over 10 years but I always had a hard time acknowledging it. I’m doing better now with learning how to manage it and also accepting I have some limitations due to it but also still challenging myself and working on things.
-Learning to be both more reliable and more independent
-Getting the paperwork signed by my psychiatrist to become my own payee
-Opening my own bank account
-Keeping up with my volunteer job and being consistent with that

I'm doing much better today. It was for sure just a stomach bug most likely due to the deli meat. I woke up at 5 something and I did 260 push ups with my ab roller. I watched some of the Today Show. I had therapy really early at 9. It went well. She says I'm doing good and suggested a few other places I can apply to.

I don't have any plans today. When do I ever though. I want sourdough bread. Like a round loaf kind.

These new ads are annoying.

Ugh, I had a morning. I didn't get to power walk b/c H had to be up early to go to work, and he needs constant prodding to wake. I was able to do a gentle pilates video for beginners, and the part for working the arms is getting easier for me. Used the SAD lamp and read and then came the hard part of the morning:

Our latest rescue cat, Sugarberry has a lot of problems. First, he is an older cat. Second he has FIV, which is like feline HIV. Cats with FIV don't waste away like with HIV but get frequent illnesses until they catch an illness they just can't fight any more. He threw up a lot Sunday night, and by early Monday all he did was lie in the garage without getting up and barely opening his eyes, wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink. H got an emergency appt. at the vet, and the poor guy is sick with a pancreas infection. They rehydrated him, worked on cooling him down by lying him on an ice pack. His temp was 105F, normal cat temp is around 100-102.5. They sent him home with 5 medications to administer, and that came the hard part.

In the morning, he had to take 1 pill, two liquid meds. The pill was so hard to give even though we have these pill pockets to fold around the pill to make it more palatable to the cat and H was helping me. He licked the outside pocket but kept spitting out the part containing the pill. I don't know how many time H had to open his mouth before we finally got the pill down. By that point, I was anxious, shaky with rushing adrenaline, I think, feeling almost manic. For the liquid meds, I had to hold Sugarberry and get him to open his mouth so H could squirt the liquid medications in because I was afraid I'd miss and get medicine on his fur and everywhere but in his mouth. I could tell by the end, not only was Sugarberry frustrated with me but H was too. My patience had just run out, even for a very sick, very loving wonderful cat. I have never been very patient, and I swear bipolar makes it SO much worse.

After that, I really couldn't calm down. Troed reading but no go. Did a little Happy Color on my iPad, sketched some though my sketches suck today.



I already took my extra 50 mg Seroquel about 45 min ago and still haven't calmed down. I have hydroxyzine and gabapentin I can take prn, probably need to pop those down after lunch.

I did another mani yesterday but without tips so it looks a bit amateurish I guess. Either way it’s the colours that I’m really pleased with. I love gingerbread. It’s a sparkling golden glitter and is to die for.
Today is my last day at work before we wrap it up for the Christmas holidays. It’s a curriculum planning day for Humanities and it’s just undeniably the last thing I feel like. We start off with a breakfast down the street. I’m going to walk to the breakfast because parking is so limited at my school and I don’t want to lose parking! Now that it’s summer I need to buy insect repellent. I’m getting bitten something chronic outside by damn mosquitoes 🦟

@Blueberrybook - I love your sketches

Having a panic attack. That’s two days in a row