Bipolar Check-in #85

I'm trying my best to stay awake today. I've had 3 12oz glasses of Starbucks caramel coffee and a couple cans of zero sugar soda. I feel fine anxiety and depression wise. I feel pretty good actually. I'm just getting really drowsy again.

I think the extra dose of risperidone I started taking yesterday is already helping. I got a better night's sleep last night than I did in almost a week!

Hey lovely people

I’m currently soaking off my nails so using my non dominant hand to type and it’s awkward.

Hope you are all recovering from Christmas and getting ready for nye lol.

I’ll be taking my son to see the 9:00pm fireworks

Just got done with a quick
Workout at planet fitness. Whew. I’m
Whoooped!

Stepdads visitation is tomorrow and funeral Monday.

One minute it was around 12:30. The next thing I knew it was almost 3. I do have a bit of a scratchy throat which might explain all this sleeping. My mom is still not 100%. Now I have to figure out something for dinner. I've mostly just had coffee today. I had a frozen bag of cheesy rice and broccoli too though. But I am under my calorie goal by a couple hundred.

N3 has whole body aches but has to wait till he gets home to take his temperature. He was out and about all day. I told him to take his temperature when he gets home. He says his bones hurt. He won’t go to urgent care.

Had a good day. Didn’t dissociate or panic or have paranoia.

I took a 2 hour nap. Fell asleep at 1:30pm and woke up at 3:30pm. Was definitely needed.

Started watching Squid Games on Netflix and watching more of Supernatural too.

My cat’s just chowing down on her crunchies in the other room.

Took my evening meds already but hoping to stay up till around 11. It’s around 8pm now.

I didn’t do a whole lot today. Washed my comforter and cleaned a bit. Took a shower. That’s about it. Mostly just chilled.

I notice I take a nap almost everyday now. It’s due to my meds. They make me very tired.

I stopped drinking coffee including decaf. Switched to just water and herbal or decaf green tea. I’m hoping not drinking coffee all the time helps brighten up my teeth and helps stop messing with my enamel.

So i decided to go into full compliance mode. This basically means that I'll act how the family wants me to act. That includes self care but also other things that are expected of a man.

I made it clear that they will no longer get any insight into how I'm feeling. My answer will always be something along the lines of Fine.

It's really the ideal situation for me. The family doesn't really care how I feel, as long as the manly duties are taken care of. Basically, keep the gravy flowing and flowing smoothly.

I'll continue this until my kids are reasonably stable in their lives. At that point, I will leave. I will initiate a divorce and figure out how we divide up assets.

I estimate I'll be in this stupid situation for about a year. So this time next year, I could be having the divorce talk with my soon to be ex-wife.

In the mean time, I'll keep my feelings to myself and talk with my therapist when needed.

Today was day one of full compliance mode and everyone is really happy with it. I'm looking forward to passing the audit of toothpaste usage, washed clothes counting, and soap usage. I have been failing these audits for a while now. It's the little things that matter, right?

I changed my sheets. It's been a while. I'm so glad I managed to do it. When my heat pump quits blowing cold air I'll take a shower and then snuggle into the clean bed. Hopefully I'll sleep really well.

I got super anxious all of a sudden and I realized it was because I have only eaten one bag of cheesy broccoli rice and 5 mini corn on the cobs. So I ate a few cool ranch Doritos. Just to settle my stomach. They seem to have helped. I know I haven't been eating real food lately and thats because of the Prestiq or I'm sleeping.

Do people realize when they are mirroring what the other person is saying..

I’ve been lax in keeping to my routine. I’ve been staying awake later and later, that’s not good as I’m not up until noon. Last night I went to bed on time but couldn’t sleep until around 3 am. So late start again. I did get out to get my tea and snacks for the New Year’s Eve party. We’ll be starting at 6 with dirty bingo. We’ll be done long before midnight, but it will be fun anyway.. The days are getting longer not so you can tell yet as the weather for the last three days has been foggy and overcast.

I seem to be sleepwalking though life even though I go though all the motions. I still join the others for afternoon games but feel blunted. People laugh I think, ehh, not really funny.

I felt more stable today than I have recently. Didn't do much today-the main things are I went for a walk and met a friend for coffee. I'm behind on my Christmas break to do list but, if I can get some mental stamina/momentum back, I can get caught up before I return back to work.

I am so freaking excited with my new strong 210 efile I got for my nails second hand off facebook. This thing works a treat!

I went to bed around 7:30. Now I’m up and can’t sleep. It’s 11:13. I feel restless. Forgot to take my nighttime meds.

Re-dyed my hair today and am almost caught up on submissions. Yay me. Honestly, the toxic fumes from that hair dye smelled like if Chernobly had a smell, but now my hair is fully dyed the bluish black I love. 🖤 So I'm happy with the results.

I feel like I'm getting sick. 😫 I have a sore throat. I don't like it. I don't want to get sick.

Think I'm going to make my roast tomorrow. I was going to wait for New Year's Eve, but it'll give me something to do while I'm with my daughter, and I'll have something to feed her that she'll like.

Out of curiosity (because I'm a curious person... I think it's because I'm a writer!), am I the only person on this forum who actually LIKES being married and having a family?

Have LOTS of appointments coming up in January. Eyebrow piercing on the 6th, physical on the 8th (fck man. REALLY want to cancel that one!), psychiatrist appointment on the 13th, eye doctor appointment also on the 13th, just later in the day, septum piercing jewelry change on the 20th (inauguration day. Yippie. I'm so excited... not really).

I think that's all...

I really hope I can sleep through the night. My head is KILLING me.

@raspberrytorte I’m watching my grey roots grow out and wondering when I will dye my hair again …

I love being married and having a family. It's just rough having 3 mentally ill people living together but I wouldn't change my family for the world. I got the best one. I worry about V because of "failure to launch" but she's more like a 14 years old than a 22 year old. I don't know how to help and she doesn't want my help. So I'll keep supporting her in the best ways I know how.

I'm up because I'm paranoid, yet again. I'm frozen in fear thinking I did something wrong getting assistance and they're going to come after me. it doesn't help that I fear we'll be homeless after this month because I feel the apartment will fall through. I'm so stressed.

Went to bed only a bit past midnight but here I am at 2:30 unable to settle. I’m having a tough tough time doing my null mind trick. So I’m trying my boring tv trick.

I'm listening to music because I can't sleep and I hate freezing in panic because of paranoia. So I'm trying to avoid that. Si thoughts are creeping in for grounding. I hate this.

I fell asleep at midnight but I woke up right before 5. I'm really anxious and not in the mood to eat or drink anything or workout. But I do have to battle with that stupid grocery store who texts me with a bunch of questions when I say no substitions.

I do feel really really anxious for some reason.

Idk what to do when my anxiety is this bad. I've taken all 3 of my valium for the day. Maybe I should just try to do some of my workout and see how it goes

Ok, so I did my workout and it seems to have majorly helped. Also the grocery store had most of the stuff I wanted. So I do feel better now.

I am having such high anxiety & panic this morning even though I slept OK, about 7 hr. I took a 7 mile power walk, and even that didn't calm it a bit. It is making me even more anxious that my daughter is staying up super late and is way behind on her schoolwork due Jan. 9 and she is NOT working much on it. OMG, then she tells me she's anxious she won't finish! WHY won't she just concentrate on finishing it?!

I think I will take my extra 50 mg Seroquel early and see if that helps. I have to pick up groceries at curbside this morning at 8:30 AM though, and I don't walk to be too sleepy then, so I'm waiting on the Seroquel. I really hate this.

@raspberrytorte Don't get me wrong, I love being married too. I just sometimes wish I weren't tied down by responsibilities to others - groceries, meals, chores, etc.

Edited: App says my period is 3 days late. Maybe it's hormones making my anxiety worse.

Oh, Jesus, my mom texted me that tomorrow she has to go in for CT and bloodwork again to see if her bone marrow & cancer hasn't returned. She has been cancer-free for 1 year, but she had been fighting endometrial cancer stage IV, which is scary because stage V is the worst it gets, so getting remission at stage IV is a great achievement. Then she waits another week for the results. Just one more thing to be anxious about. And she has had some spots on her lungs too that have worried me which I hope, I guess that are possibly the remnants of past cases of COVID she's had which isn't exactly good but better than cancer. Neither she nor my father have ever smoked, but she grew up with my grandfather, who did smoke. Plus, at that time, there was second-hand smoke any where you went - restaurants, dances, grocery stores, theaters. There was 2nd smoke at many of those places still when I was even growing up.

Like I needed another thing to be anxious about. Totally not her fault, she's worried too, asked for prayers from my sisters & me, so I'm definitely doing that.

Oh, I also wanted to add I hope those of you who are under the weather bounce back soon. For all that I injure myself or end up in the psych hospital, I almost never get physically sick. I haven't been sick for 3 or 4 years, maybe even longer, didn't even catch COVID when my daughter & husband had it pretty bad. I have never had COVID and not the flu for maybe 5 or 6 years. Now that I'm bragging, I'm sure to get sick. Murphy's law, right? I am very lucky in this regard though. Occasional seasonal allergies but even those not nearly as bad as H or my daughter.

I slept maybe 3 hours. How do I get over this paranoia. It's killing me. T wants to talk about my long standing paranoia of people but this is making me freeze.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom I slept maybe 3 hours. How do I get over this paranoia. It's killing me. T wants to talk about my long standing paranoia of people but this is making me freeze.

When do you see your T?