[JaneOnceMore]

...i'm under a great deal of pressure while i deal with the difficult process of recovering from being a victim of a hate crime of discrimination on the basis of perceived disability on January 12, 2025. All the pressure is having unpredictable effects. My sleep-deprivation is intense, and i am too scared to go out in public.

I'm sharing this by way of explanation, and not excuse, because there is no excuse for the way i behaved today. I ask for your tolerance, understanding, and forgiveness.

I have asked that my account be suspended for a few weeks to cut-off my access to the forum, and prevent any repeat of the misbehavior today.

It's not right that i am pursuing my quest for justice regarding this hate crime on behalf of the neurodivergent people who might not have my education, or experience, or legal resources -- all the while i am being ignorant to the very people whose lives i seek to improve.

I'm just not making sense now, so it is best that i be gone for a while. I have my sweet dog for company, my comfortable private home, my new cooking hobby, and i have ordered all the hardware for taking up computer gaming as an outlet for my anger.

Hopefully, i will return a pleasant, co-opertive JaneOnceMore, with a measure of justice, if i can make this charge of hate crime stick. The wheels of justice turn slowly, tho, and i am just in a holding pattern, while the police process my incident of hate crime.

I don't wait well.

[Blueberrybook]

It's forgiven. We all do things we wouldn't have ordinarily when we are super stressed on top of being manic. I certainly have and stretched my boundaries both with my family and on this board. I hope you start getting better sleep. I can't remember if you see a therapist or are on meds? If not, maybe a good idea? At least meds for sleep perhaps. When my sleep goes, mania follows, and it's not pretty. My last bout of it was no fun at all. ((((HUGS))). Do you know how long it is going to take for the police (possibly court process?) of for the hate crime incident?

[Blueberrybook]

Sorry, posted in wrong thread here. (Just regarding my sleep last night, no worries here.)

[JaneOnceMore]

@Blueberrybook:

Thanks for your understanding, and your warm, and welcoming forgiveness. I know i hardly deserved it, especially from you who i was particularly nasty too. You have a big heart!

I find therapists more harmful than helpful. I've had many negative experiences with therapists, that just ADDED to my load of suffering. It did NOT relieve my suffering, it only made it WORSE. I will not see a therapist.

No, the police action is open-ended. They will not commit themselves to a time-frame. There is a backlog of incidents to address, so i do not expect a speedy resolution. This is lousy, because i don't wait well.

Good signs that they are working on it, are the facts that i met their threshold for my incident qualifying as a hate crime, was assigned a permanent case number, and received an email inquiry asking for more details.

So all this tells me that the police ARE working on it, it is an official matter now, they are paying attention, and that i must just be patient (not my strong suit).

[Blueberrybook]

@JaneOnceMore I didn't go through a hate crime but I went through an awful sexual assault at a massage parlor (which was in a nice location, nothing iffy about it). The police didn't believe my story because I froze up during and right after it (no screaming, nothing because it sent me right back to an incident from childhood). I was shaking and crying by the time I got home. The attorney general refused to prosecute, a lawyer did nothing for me. I was under so much stress, my eating disorder got bad, I was short and irritable with my family, I kept having flashbacks (I still do from time to time) but much worse right afterwards. I don't even know how I got through it except that I had my daughter to raise and she was a handful through elementary school. I probably could have gotten her diagnosed with Aspergers because of all her sensory issues and breakdowns in school through 5th grade. Things got better once we put her in online school from home. But the sensory issues never have disappeared, she's just gotten better at masking them and coping with it. But anyway, it was something I really had to shift all my focus to and finally got me past it in a manner in which I could function better.

[JaneOnceMore]

@Blueberrybook:

Sorry for the second @Mention, i reread your post, and realized i hadn't addressed the issue of meds.

So, yeah, i am on meds for sleep. When i'm grieving, and depressed, i sleep so very long it is like short comas! I sleep for about ten hours a night, plus rest on the sofa in the afternoon.

This insomnia is very unusual. It is caused by my intense feelings about my incident on January 12, 2025. My sleep disturbance has now been going on thirty (30) consecutive days.

I am against taking more meds, as i feel my current meds are not even necessary. Once my incident is resolved, i will be seeking the advice of my doctor on withdrawing from all meds, as my diagnosis has been changed from primarily bipolar, to "Prolonged Grief Disorder" (PGD), with secondary mood disturbance.

Heavy meds aren't really warranted for PGD. I am on Seroquel, and Risperdal, and all they do is make me gain weight. I gained 125 pounds the first year i was on anti-psychotics when i was 29. Up til then, i was thin, fit, pretty, and sexy. Now my figure is ruined, and no man will even look at me.

The med that's really unacceptable is my benzo. I've currently withdrawn from one milligram of Clonazepam 75%. I did it in 2022. I used The Ashton Method of substituting in valium, and then making small cuts each week.

It went well until i got down to five milligrams of valium. When i tried to go lower, i had all these problems getting along with people. So my doctor and i decided to pause the taper until i stabilized. Then my younger sister died and i was grief-stricken, and depressed for 28 months.

Five milligrams of valium is a tiny amount, but i still don't like to be taking a narcotic, and having a tolerance to it, which must be serviced each and every day.

From all these details in the long post, i hope you can see why, Blueberrybook, i am not interested in more meds. Putting up with the sleep-deprivation is pretty intense, but it's likely that the meds are partly responsible for ruining my natural sleep of pre-meds days, when i slept like a rock.

Thanks for your concern, Blueberrybook. i hope i've done a decent-enough job of explaining my position on both the questions of therapists and more meds. Let me know if i haven't answered you perfectly.

[JaneOnceMore]

@Blueberrybook:

We cross-posted. I am so very sorry to hear of your traumatic sexual assault at the massage parlor. I am particularly sorry to hear that you did not get any justice regarding it. I might be facing the same outcome with my incident, and i don't know what i will do if that happens.

While i am not happy to hear that you were short-tempered with your family in the aftermath of your sexual assault, i am comforted to know that you really do understand my experience at the moment, with having trouble getting along with people due to the aftermath of my incident.

Thanks for sharing your story with me, and i'm happy to hear that your daughter is doing better since she started online schooling. Being a mom must be so demanding, especially to a special-needs child. You must have tremendous energy, the rare ability to dig-deep when times are tough, and admirable grace-under-pressure.

[JaneOnceMore]

I've abandoned the temporary suspension i was going to enact last night. I need the support here. While i realize i have to earn back your good-will, i am encouraged that @Blueberrybook has been wonderful to me, writing me several supportive posts already, and forgiven me. My hope is that the rest of you will follow her lead, but i know i was pretty nasty, and specific last night, so if you need time to heal, i completely understand.

[MuddyBoots]

Not to poke the bear, but even if not diagnosed with "true bipolar" or taking heavy-hitters like benzos or antipsychotics, meds can still be helpful. We're wondering if I'm even bipolar or just BPD+severe ADHD+SUD/substance-induced psychosis, but I know for sure there's one med I started recently that's probably the reason I'm not on a 10 day IEA right now and that's my sleep med: Clonidine.

Regardless of the reason, if anyone is experiencing hypomanic/manic symptoms, they need sleep and rest as much as possible until those symptoms diminish. If a healthier bedtime routine helps get that sleep, great. If meds help get someone the sleep they need, that's great too. As long as it's not dangerous (like New Hampshire street weed, for a passive aggressive jab at our inability to follow literally every other state in New England when it comes to legalization), and it helps get that sleep, you gotta do what you gotta do to keep your wings from melting.

I'm not trying to invalidate your experiences with meds though. You're on benzos and antipsychotics and I myself can't take benzos AT ALL now (last time I did I woke up with duct tape on my mouth and in need of 20+ stitches), and I have a psychiatric advanced directive that says "NO ANTIPSYCHOTICS UNLESS I'M IN THE ER AND AM WREAKING HAVOC!" (okay that was paraphrasing). I was on 30mg diazepam for too friggin long and the effects weren't fun. I almost bleed out in the woods because of Haldol-induced EPS. I temporarily gave up my dreams of hiking the 4thousand footers because of weight gain from clozapine, zyprexa, seroquel, etc..

I get it, they can be awful. I also know that I'm actually blessed to find out that instead of having to take heavy-hitting antipsychotics that working on my shyt with DBT/CBT skills and just straight up drawing out and using the compassion within me (towards myself AND others) is going to significantly help, but I'm realistic and I know drawing a vulnerability chart or feeling solicitude won't help me sleep--which is where meds come in. Have you ever tried some "gentler" meds or (not to get all woo-woo-ey) even homeopathic treatments (like lavender tea or scents) for sleep or mood?


However it plays out, I hope you find some solutions to both your desire to reduce/be off meds and your need for sleep. I hope you find peace with the hate crime situation as well in whatever way possible.

[Brentus]

Originally Posted by JaneOnceMore

I've abandoned the temporary suspension i was going to enact last night. I need the support here. While i realize i have to earn back your good-will, i am encouraged that @Blueberrybook has been wonderful to me, writing me several supportive posts already, and forgiven me. My hope is that the rest of you will follow her lead, but i know i was pretty nasty, and specific last night, so if you need time to heal, i completely understand.

For what it's worth -- I think that's a good idea to stay on the forum. We sometimes lash out and afterwards are first instinct is to isolate and chastize ourselves. You're not doing yourself, and no on else, any favors by denying yourself social support. We all struggle and most of us have been seen in some of our worst moments posted on the forum. You're with people who can understand.


I don't normally chime in on things like this -- but I did just want to say that. Have a little compassion for yourself. You are going through something rough, and it's natural to have erratic behavior. You've apologized, sincerely -- and you're understood. Give yourself a a little break. Hugs

[JaneOnceMore]

@MuddyBoots:

Yeah, i get that meds can be helpful in emergencies. But i'm home safe now, behind a locked door, snuggling my sweet fluffy dog -- i just feel my sleep will shake out soon with sensory-deprivation, that is, staying home, restricting light after 5:00pm, and enjoying silence.

@Brentus:

Good to hear from you, it's been too long! Thanks for the kind words of support, compassion, and understanding. Thanks for chiming in, especially for me. I know you're not a frequent poster, and i appreciate the extra effort you took for me. Don't be a stranger! Always looooooooooove to hear from you!

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Brentus

For what it's worth -- I think that's a good idea to stay on the forum. We sometimes lash out and afterwards are first instinct is to isolate and chastize ourselves. You're not doing yourself, and no on else, any favors by denying yourself social support. We all struggle and most of us have been seen in some of our worst moments posted on the forum. You're with people who can understand.


I don't normally chime in on things like this -- but I did just want to say that. Have a little compassion for yourself. You are going through something rough, and it's natural to have erratic behavior. You've apologized, sincerely -- and you're understood. Give yourself a a little break. Hugs

This is a good point. Especially "you're with people who can understand." If you're going to lash out at anyone, it's better us than the man across the street who is in a position able to physically hurt you and has his own issues but isn't aware of them and doesn't have empathy for others with theirs and will go off as equally hard if not harder on you.

[unaluna]

When i first joined this site, i wrote that it functioned as a revolving door for me, as i would get mad and quit and then slip back in, each cycle teaching me how to deal with my feelings, which was never taught at home.

[Nammu]

Jane I’m glad you are staying. I miss you Every time you go off. I’m sorry you experienced a hate crime, that’s terrible. No one should experience that. That does exacerbate our symptoms, so it’s understandable. I’ve been quite brisk at times so I now how it is.

I’m glad you’re staying.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

How are you doing today @JaneOnceMore ?

[JaneOnceMore]

@BeyondtheRainbow:

I am doing a little better. Thanks for asking. I know i was particularly nasty to you, so for you to turn around and show concern, really warms my heart!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

@JaneOnceMore It's fine! I wasn't mad. Part of being in a bipolar group is that things like this happen.


I'm glad you are a bit better although you are awake quite early. (Obviously so am I; I hope to get back to sleep pretty soon).

Take care!