Bipolar Check-In #91

Just a regular Saturday morning. Got my son being extraordinary hyperactive since 5:30am this morning. Can’t wait until he’s ready for his Ritalin dose because I need a break! It’s too much!

Going to pick up my 25 year old son tomorrow and take him to lunch.

And I’ve messaged my daughter and asked her if she wants to catch up next weekend so I can take her for lunch.

Nice to be able to catch up with the kids!

I just listened to music all day mainly. I watched some TV. My moods were ok but I was a bit ornery a couple hours ago. My mom wanted Chipotles and I wasn't hungry for dinner. Stuff like that. But I'm doing fine now.

I need to go to Walmart in the morning to pickup my weekly iced coffee cartons. The cartons have really helped me cut back on getting coffee from Dunkins.

Doing better painwise--time and Tylenol 3 helping out. Thankfully, I had planned on making baked potatoes at some point this week for dinner, and tonight was the perfect time for it. In other news, we are going to have to buy a new used car soon. H's car is on its last legs, sort of still driveable but not capable of fast acceleration or driving on freeways faster than 60 mph and to keep up with the speed of traffic, you often have to go faster than the speed limit of 65 mph, so H will have to be driving my car into work now and I'll have his here though I really hope I won't have to drive it too much. H has been looking around online at used cars and hopefully he finds something soon. It is good that he can telecommute for work 2-3 days a week most weeks though there are the odd weeks he has to go in all week. It's already been an expensive month since I had to have nearly $1000 of dental work done (and that's with dental insurance!), tons of doctors appts, a new water heater, ugh!

Houses are so expensive to maintain. And dental! Last year I spent so much, hopefully I’ll be done for a good while. Cars! So expensive! I hope you find a good deal. Once when I was looking my friends husband who just goes to car lots to look and chat lucked into a great deal for me. A one owner excellently maintained car that was just traded in. I was able to snap it up before they advertised it. Sadly that’s the one I was in the accident with, I really liked that car. So I can suggest your hubby try and make rounds of car lots and ask for recent trade ins. Who knows you might hit the jackpot.

I've been thinking about what my mood has been like since school got out. For the first part of my break, my anxiety was high, I was overwhelmed by pretty much everything, and I was sleeping a ton. Now, in the last week, it's like a switch has been flipped. I have better mental stamina, I'm able to focus on one task for longer periods of time, I actually want to be productive, and I don't seem to need as much sleep (I only need a normal amount instead of over 12 hours). I still have some anxiety or feel overwhelmed at times, but I'm able to manage it better. I hope this positive trend stays. It makes me nervous about what my mood will do when I return to work in about a month, especially since I usually become suicidal in one of the first months of school. I'm going to just try and enjoy the good place I'm in and try not to get to nervous about mood fluctuations in either direction happening.

Really good day today. I was REALLY tired though wow - like sleep on the couch at 5pm tired. Spoke to my best friend tonight and we watched a short documentary and short movie from the 30s. Thanks so much @Nammu ! You wouldn't believe the progress. Maybe its the new guy I am leaving novella long messages to. BUT my ex didn't call tonight and I wasn't destroyed. It's the first time this has happened which shows the changes. I am hopeful, moving forward.

Tomorrow is another lunch date with my new "bestie" I met on Bumble. We are doing some writing at Starbucks together. I am really looking forward to it.

@Blueberrybook - I am sorry you are having so many expenses this month, and the dental stuff is so painful, I know the PMS on top is the worst. Sending you some hugs for a better weekend ahead

@Blue_Bird - so proud of you! Glad you are feeling so much better. Even though you will be on here less, I am glad we connected - you will always be in our thoughts here!

My mom, sister and nieces leave for Scotland tomorrow. They'll be gone 10 days. I'm going to miss my mom so much. I also am on dog/chicken sitting duties which I'm stressed out about because a raccoon got into our chicken coop and killed (our favorite; it's always the favorite) the other day. My mom spent hours today sealing the place the raccoon got in but they tend to come back when they've found prey. I hope it is sealed up well enough and terrified it's not. I cannot handle a dead chicken. I'd have to call my brother who lives nearly 2 hours away. But he'd have to come make some repairs anyway since I can't be outside in this heat for more than a few minutes. So I am going to be fighting my OCD all the time they are gone.

I just hope they have a good time. That's the important thing.

@LadyShadow:

How inspiring of you to turn your crisis into a transformation! I am doing the same thing. I have turned my accident into a transformation into a new me who doesn't let an eleven-year social associate gaslight me anymore. I only associate with people who have good hearts now. FEELS SOOOOOOO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am overjoyed to be rid of that evil presence at last, at last!!! So liberating!!!

I did really well just now! A man started to tell me his problems in the lobby and i interrupted him and said that while i was sorry to hear about his troubles, i am pretty stressed-out myself so i can't listen anymore. It went really well! He didn't take offense and just chatted nicely a bit more and left.

So it really wasn't that hard at all to protect myself! I'm so happy because now i don't have to be so worried about sustaining injuries socializing in the lobby! I have the means, motive, and opportunity to protect myself and i sieze the day!

YAY JANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still have to catch up on posts after lunch. Today's been pretty good, better than yesterday, now that I'm in less pain from all that dental work. I did a jog this morning, showered, went to get gas and had to pick up a few things at Walmart. Thankfully, it was still early and Walmart wasn't too busy yet. Came home and read with the SAD lamp. I started reading "We'll Prescribe You a Cat"; it's such a cute, good book, and I'm almost finished because it's not very long, but I'd definitely recommend it for any cat lovers out there!

Painting went better than yesterday; I painted a pair of rain galoshes:


I hope everyone enjoys their Saturday!

I read this book recently. I agree-it's a good book!

Just added it to my list!

I feel hollow.

I’m doing alright. Sort of lack luster and unmotivated. I did go downstairs and played several games. The lady I dislike is always there and always saying she knows the rules plays like rump, always cheating. When she caught she pretends she got confused. Really is aggravating. But oh well. It passed the time and the others made up for it. We had a good time anyway.

I feel not that great right now. I stopped at Dunkin Donuts and I got my niece a donut because if I'm stopping for something and theres a kid in the car, they are also getting something. Anyways I got her this 4th of July donut in the shape of a star but it had cream in it and she kinda made a mess. I seriously don't have a clue when it comes to kids. She had blue frosting all over her hands and face.

I spent the day picking up groceries. I had to go into one store and I was wearing shorts and an Oasis T shirt and I never wear shorts but it was 90 degress. But every guy there had on shorts, a t shirts, a hat and sunglasses. So I was fine.

I just feel really nauseated right now. I've tried every OTC thing I can take. And melatonin which normally calms my stomach. But I just feel blah rIght now.

@Mountaindewed Have you tried IBGard? It's time release peppermint and maybe something else natural that is supposed to help IBS (obviously I know). My GI NP suggested I try it for nausea and bowel issues and it seems to be helping. She also has me using peppermint essential oil and that also helps more than I thought it would. For me it's not a cure for these symptoms but I don't have a lot of med options. My family dr doesn't want me on Zofran because it can cause prolonged QT syndrome in combination with clozaril. Phenergan makes me hallucinate. Metocopromide landed me IP with severe akathesia/mania. Carafate didn't help. Etc. So I'm so glad for this option.

Next time try a cake donut. They don't have filling and are less sticky. I think you can even get them without a glaze. I have done the same kind of thing but with ice cream. Bad idea on my part.

@BeyondtheRainbow I'll have to try those. I've never heard of them but I'm always looking for something.

Yeah next time she is getting an old fashioned cake donut

I've got some cabin fever today that has my mood a little low. A light amount of passive SI this evening to for some reason. If it cooled off enough at night, I'd get up at the crack of dawn to go for a walk. But, the lows aren't very low in the next few days. One day, the low is 90 degrees.

Even though my mood is a little low at the moment, today has been an alright day so far. I helped out at church, ran a couple of errands, and have read a bit. It's only a little after 5 pm by me right now, so i'll probably read a bit more. I'm in the middle of reading a couple of books from the library: one fiction book and one memoir written by someone with bipolar disorder. Not really much else I can do besides be on my phone since there isn't much on TV.

I did a 3 hour or less Walmart delivery order and I got IBgard, Ibergast, and some melatonin. The type of melatonin I got is zzzquil pure zzzs triple action and I didnt reslize about some of the ingredients. Basically juat the ashwankanda or whatever it is.

I spilled a bunch of water on my bed and it soaked through my shorts so I changed shorts and put a blanket over my comforter. And I'm still getting wet.

My family is flying over the Atlantic Ocean right now. I found this neat thing that lets me watch the path they are traveling, altitude, speed, and arrival time. I am anxious for some reason that I've not been when they've flown before. I'm more anxious than when I fly and I don't really like flying. I hope I get to sleep before they arrive at 3 AM our time.

We have a group of feral cats we feed. We've tried to get the female in for spaying but she's too afraid to be caught. So she had kittens about 6-8 weeks ago. Tonight I think she's lost at least 2 because she's left 2 on our porch. I got one to let me touch it and I'm going to see if I can tame them while my mom's away. If I could do that we could at least get the babies fixed. Earlier they were playing chase and were so cute. I adore my Abbycat but she's definitely not a kitten anymore. Kittens are just adorable. I'd take them in myself but Abbycat would HATE that. My mom can't take them in because her dog would kill them thinking he was playing. I know the local cat rescue is full. Getting them neutered/spayed might be the best we can do right now unless someone on facebook marketplace wants one or something.

We had storms earlier. My mom's dog doesn't like storms but as long as he's not given too much sympathy he usually just lays on his bed and waits it out. We had a big, loud storm this afternoon and I thought he was in the bedroom and didn't give him sympathy. Then I found him trying to shove his head between the wall and the toilet. Poor old guy. He's fine now that the rain and storms finally stopped. We got 1.1 inches of rain today so he had reason to be anxious.

I think I said this yesterday but we've had a raccoon trying to kill our chickens and it got one. My mom did a lot of work and it shouldn't be able to get in. Earlier I was in the living room and heard the raccoon stealing the cats' food. I went out and chased him off and made sure he hadn't breached the coop. I just hope he still hasn't when I wake up.

I hope that I hear from my family soon. We're not positive we have texting set up for international correctly. It's possible I won't hear from them until they land in the US in 9 days. I talk to my mom every day and see her most days. I've done animal sitting many times before but have always had some communication. They are about halfway there now.

I need to work on relaxing. I'm so tense my shoulders are sore. I may take some extra Seroquel to see if it helps.

I need to get this in control or it is going to be a very long week.

School I've been up since 5. so I'm going to try to rest.

It's okay. Life is futile but endurable. I have the BBQ to look forward to today.

I called the crisis line but they are not very evolved there and want to keep me alive at all costs and do not consider quality-of-life questions. I want to know what i can do about the futility of my life. The way i seem to suffer again and again and if i live i have to expect more of the same. Is it really logical to live, only to suffer? Wouldn't the reasonable sensible humane thing be to take myself out of my misery? I feel that is my right. It's a decision only *I* can make. It is up to me.

I always thought my brother who when i was a teen was weak, too weak to face life, and that i'm strong for surviving into my senior years. But i've been thinking about it and what if he just made a logical dispassionate assessment that based on his flawed genetics combined with his dysfunction upbringing his chances for happiness in life were slim to none. If his expectation was that he would only live to suffer endlessly, why not take himself out and save himself the pain?

I think that's how it was. It was actually a relief for him to die. Maybe as the last signs of life flowed from him, he felt peace, euphoria, and gratitude.

Am i the same?

My eldest son introduced me to Scrub Daddy. It’s a bathroom sink changer lol

Slept well and feeling steadier this morning. It's nice day out. The weather this time of year is soooooooooo lovely. My dog and i can get out and enjoy nature by the hours. It's so good for us both. She loves to hunt, a real huntress! I think it's the Schnauzer blood in her. She's gotten so skilled at it, it's been a joy to see her learn how to hunt. The critters are wise to her and stay beyond the chain-link fence, so it's perfectly safe to let my dog do what comes naturally. There is no chance of a kill. My dog just stalks her prey, composes herself, then explodes into a mad dash! It's hilarious!