Bipolar Check-In #91

Rainbow I know pet setting gives you great anxiety but when you write about it it’s just so funny. I still remember with a smile your experience with, I think your brother’s cat who loved you so much it brought you many, many offerings! 😂

Aw, yes, Pinky the great huntress. The worst was the year she kept killing things bigger than herself.I was sure the next thing she'd kill would be a deer.

Last year was better because my BIL got fed up with the murders and put a bell on her. She is way less effective that way. But I agree, that was funny. This year I'm not watching her. My BIL is home while the rest of the family is in Scotland so he is stuck dealing with the mighty murderess.

Today had its' moment for hilarity too. Part of why I get so stressed with the chickens is that I've been afraid of birds all my life. These girls I'm used to and over the last year or two I've learned to pick them up and carry them, although I do NOT like it. So of course the last 2 nights I've had to get them in while it was pouring rain. Last night 2 of them went in and the third made me chase her for 20 minutes. Tonight I had to carry of all of them. The biggest and therefore the hardest for me to carry because I just know she's out to get me keep cycling her feet around and trying to flop her wings. So I barely survived that and by then I was completely soaked with rain pouring down my glasses. But it doesn't sound as funny as it really was.



I had some ice cream. Maybe that will make it all better? (My grandma firmly believed ice cream cures all ills .

My class were just too awful. Can't even describe what I saw.

I definitely had today's adventure. I am in bed with the dog asleep on the floor. All of a sudden he starts "reverse sneezing" which I've fortunately seen him do before. (They sound like they are gagging and can't breathe; it's harmless but sounds awful). So I ran to get him outside. We have a fenced in dog yard that is reached by going down 3 steps. The dog tore his ACL about 4 months ago and is still healing up. He can go down the stairs but not up them. So I got him out and he peed and then came and told me he was ready. Which is the part where Rainbow was a littlle stupid. To get back in he goes out the gate and then around the house to a ramp he can walk up easily. He was off-leash for this and I knew he'd go right in. But I didn't think about putting on shoes or turning on the outside light. So I was out there in my bare feet, praying to not step on anything gross or into a huge glob of mud since we've had nearly 1.5 inches of rain here in the last 2 days. I have no idea how I navigated the sidewalk; I don't know it that well. But my bare feet held up and we are back inside and not reverse sneezing. I wish he'd come in the room with me but I think he's sleeping in the living room for now.

At least he didn't throw up like i thought he was. Crap, there he goes again........

Boy rainbow they better bring you back a nice souvenir!

@unaluna That is true! I will have to point that out

Good morning? Or night? It’s almost 2am. I can’t sleep. I skipped my Thorazine last night cause I got the bright idea that I can just come off 400 mg of Thorazine immediately without tapering slowly down. And I slept 2 hours 45 min of very horrible poor quality tossing and turning light sleep if it can even be called sleep.

I have to get bloodwork in the morning around 11:20am. So I’m fasting from last night till then. Nothing but water till then. I have labs for my psychiatrist and for my primary to get done (they both work in the same office so both can be done at once there. Have to skip my morning trileptal dose as my psychiatrist is taking my trileptal level in preparation to start tapering me off it.

Aside from the barely any sleep tonight (which is my own fault) I’m doing well. I had a volunteer shift the other day. Later in the day my volunteer coordinator texted me to tell me the director had popped in randomly a couple hours after my shift and said things looked really good in there and very clean and that I did a good job. I guess the director rarely comes in but when they do it’s usually random and good to leave a good impression. So it felt good to get recognized for doing good work. I have another shift on the 14th and one on the 28th.

I feel good though doing well. I temporarily suspended my home internet connection for 2 months to save a bit of money cause I’m trying to get back on track for when I overspent when I was manic. I still have my phone of course and unlimited data on that. It’s cut down on my screen time a lot because I’m not on my tablet all the time now since it’s not connected to the internet. I’ve started learning how to crochet and have been reading a lot more. Been more present in my life.

All and all things are good, I hope you’re all doing well. Here’s a couple pics of the kitties from my volunteer job

I felt well enough to go to the BBQ and movie yesterday. I had a ball! It was soooooooooooo fun! The only unfortunate thing was that i automatically fell into old patterns at first, of socializing with men, and felt rejected when they were resistant. But i caught my mistake and switched to women and things went better. I got to socialize with kids too. I got them all doing cartwheels for me at one point, it was great fun.

The movie was "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"! I *LOVED* it! It's really clever and chock full of funny gems. I only lasted halfway thru and then i was overloaded, so i'll get to finish it one day soon. So glad i tried it, it's going to be a new favorite. I watch favorite movies over and over. It's nice to have a comedy to like. My taste usually runs to movies that are deep and dark. Laughter is the best medicine!

I ordered a black loveseat as there is no room for my dog in the chair i down-sized to when i got rid of my sofa. A sofa is too big, a chair is too small, hopefully a loveseat will be just right. It's from IKEA and is black leather, with wide flat arms, which i particularly like. So looking forward to it!

It's Canada Day weekend. Our country's birthday is tomorrow. H@pPy c@N@d@ d@Y everyone!

Yeah. My iron levels suck. My GP told me they were really bad in January when I had them checked and when she just rechecked them they had improved, but I needed to make sure I kept on taking my ferrous sulfate! I was taking a B complex vitamin for a while, but it didn't seem to be agreeing with me, so I stopped taking it.

@Blueberrybook

In my late twenties I was on 4mg of clonazepam daily. It DID affect my creativity and cognitive functions. I had a moron psychiatrist take me off it in two months, just because she didn’t prescribe benzos. It was a REALLY traumatic experience. I have NEVER experienced a withdrawal so terrible. It was a nightmare. I cried twice. I lost twenty pounds in one month. I'm SCARED to go off diazepam. It honestly doesn't seem to be affecting me the same way as clonazepam. Cognitively I'm fine. I'm not forgetting words. I wrote a novel last year while on it.

So... who knows I guess.

I DO know that my loxapine is preventing me from going psychotic so I need to stay on that one.... Right now I think seroquel is mostly just helping my anxiety.

BUT, I could be wrong. 😊 See new obgyn and my psychiatrist on the 14th, so I'll talk to them.

I took a zofran last night because I was so nauseous. 🤢 It helped. For like ten minutes. Lol.

Yesterday I spent the day catching up on a TV show. I took a nap for an hour around noon. I went to bed at 7:30 and I slept pretty good until 4:30.

I feel fine this morning. I'm still a bit tired but my moods and anxiety and stomach are all fine. I guess the topamax was causing more issues then I realized.

I dont have any plans today.

I do feel a bit like I got hit by a truck i've had dr. Pepper and a glass of iced coffee.

My family is all like "you cant go back to work until your better." I think they are worried about other stuff more.

After having a 4am pint and securing another in my freezer by the end of day yesterday (and learning about Protein Pints which I think I may have to give a try), I think your grandma was onto something.

I do admit the other day my CM mentioned ice cream and I think I tried to make her feel bad about going on about food (I swear I can't talk to anybody without someone suggesting something) by just crying and saying "I can't think about ice cream without thinking about my dad making a mess with his ice cream when he was drunk, high, or both, but I'd be blamed and screamed at for the sticky counter." (To be fair at the time that was the first thing I thought of when she said "ice cream" but I think it was more the way she said it).

Hope you continue to laugh at your pet-sitting "events"

Can you come up with a persuasive reason to them why you can't go? School? Home stuff? Doctors appointments? Would they understand if you said you don't think you'll be well enough to travel at that time?

I know I BS reasons I can't see my mom all the time, but I feel like it's a little different when it's in the same tiny state and I do give her an hour here and there when I can handle it (or just would handle that better than being alone at the least).

I have to go home and do laundry and shower and shyt.

I will say looking back the guy watching me across the street from his house at the park going after a full pint of chocolate ice cream like a wolf on a deer with a camping utensil (intentionally broken so it's just spoon, knife, and bottle opener) before dawn was probably thinking some interesting thoughts that I'm wondering about. It was also funny how as I got back from getting meds Thursday being told I was going to be IEA'd if I didn't go to the hospital voluntarily by the maintenance guy "stay out of trouble." I got my curtain rod. Meant to file a request for him to install the hooks ("we're not allowed") but they were out of forms yesterday so I'll have to check back today, and if there's still none I'll email the landlord and let her know there aren't any request/complaint forms left.

today is too loud. idk why. its just a lot of anxiety swirling through my body. the soup was not enough for lunch. i need iced coffee and a nap lol

Still hovering around 3.5 hours of sleep, but I'm managing.

I had a really hard time going shopping the other day. It was physically and mentally taxing, though it was a big trip.

I'm using an AI thing to help me type and write. It catches typos, and there are lots of those, and words that don't make sense in context. I'm not too worried about it, yet.

I've had this pain in my knee for a few days. But now its getting worse. I can move it just walking on it and stepping out of bed hurts.

Unless it gets insane I'll hold off on the doctor. The yeast thing got bad enough that my mom forced me to go to immediate care. But the second thing I was able to wait out until it got better. So I'm hoping thing #3 wIll also resolve.

I got an ice cream too and it helped.

i have chronic knee pain. try soaking in epsom salts and heating pad with pain reliever. might help

I had this thing happen a week ago where I ordered dominoes pizza and they were late with it so they sent me an email apologizing and giving me a free coupon to a medium two topping pizza. Well I used that coupon the other day and got the free pizza and a couple sides I bought. Then immediately after that because they were late again they automatically send me another email offering me a free two topping medium pizza to apologize lol so I’m like in this never ending loop of free pizza. I’m probably not using the second coupon as I don’t want to pay for sides again just to get it but it’s still pretty cool.

Anyway I got my bloodwork down. Came home and ate some leftover pizza and ice cream. My stomach was growling embarrassingly loud in the waiting room cause I was fasting from 7pm till 12pm today. I normally eat breakfast by 8am so I was really hungry.

Taking my Thorazine tonight and getting some good sleep. I have to put some of that aloe Vera gel on because I’m sunburnt just from my walk home from my appointment.

I just used icy hot. I'll get tylenol in a bit

Having a really hard time with sleep all week. Just been overstimulated with Nova and doing all my writing projects. I have a numbness in my mouth on the left side, that feels but a sore but not. It's not my teeth or gums but like mostly on the inside of my cheek. I got some really strong Oragel to help. I am just one to ignore things until they get really bad. I honestly think it's the CPAP that caused it. I have never gotten anything like this before.

@Blueberrybook - thank you very much - I always appreciate your feedback and valuable insight. I have now concluded that me and my ex are just friends. I may be wanting and needing, but it's all wasted energy. He is in a different place where he moved on to fixing his life. It hurts a lot, and even though I was there to bring him out of his darkness I am trying not to be resentful that he left me behind in my darkness. I am enjoying time exploring something with someone else right now, but it is very casual, fun and much easier. I am blessed to have men in my life that have such close bonds within my life. My best friend in NYC is also an ex, and he has been by my side for 15 years, and my homeless friend, (not an ex) has been in my life for 25 years - so if my current ex becomes that too - it's just something I will just be grateful for.

@Nammu - that's too funny about the "coot" remark - I have to say I haven't heard that in a long time. The sleep thing has been a real issue for me too. @Blue_Bird - I hope you get some sleep soon, and kudos for you for finding ways to save money. That pizza thing is hilarious - they will just keep being late and giving you free pizza into infinity, lol. Your pet-sitting adventures are legendary @BeyondtheRainbow - I think it would be a great idea for a funny book!

I am grateful for a better mindset and more positive outlook. I am not drowning in heartbreak anymore which is the best feeling I have had in a long time. Sometimes I think of what my ex used to feel for me, and just hopeful someone would feel that for me again.

What else can I do? Idk if I'm just bored
I messaged my pdocs nurse and she was basically like "**** you. Heres the number to schedule an appointment. My therapist is busy and isnt responding to emails

I just need to chill out on my own.

you know thats a lot of melatonin. too much. why not practice the skills your t is teaching you?

Unfouranitly not. My whole family (sisters, grandkids all 12 of us will be sharing a 3/4 br house for a week) We haven't seen some of them for 3+ years outside a funeral. plus my dad just turned 75. I tried many excuses they shot them all down with solutions..

I’m wondering if my gp can write a note for me NOT to teach that naughty class for a month. Idk. I need a break from them. They get my anxiety sky high through the roof. Yesterday we were in the library. The worst classroom I could be scheduled in. Had kids chasing each other around the library in between the book shelves. You’d swear they are 6 years old!

Just got back from my daughter’s house. We made a day of it. Watched another episode of Rings of Power, ate at the Greek place and got fantastic pedicures. I got hot stones, and deep intensive massage.

But sleep continues to be elusive. It was 4am when I finally dropped off, and the alarm went off at 9am. That’s not enough sleep for me. But I had just enough time to get dressed and make my bed before the guys washing windows showed up.

Right shadow, coot is a funny thing to show up after all these years. Did more googling and found out there’s an American coot too! But I’ve never seen a bird that looks like a black duck with a white bill and funny feet.