Bipolar Check-In #91

I slept fine. From about 8:45 until 5. I woke up to eat some watermelon around 10:30. I'm still falling asleep.

I'm freezng and I put on jeans



Things could be worse. My anxiety and moods are ok.

I'm really groggy and I've had caffeine.

I'm going to Cincenetti in the fall to go to the zoo and this huge international market Jungle Jims. I've been to Cleaveland and Columbus but never to Cincenetti.

I'm kind of more awake. I did some cleaning up in the garage and my room.but now I'm listening to music again in bed.

I'm back to sleeping 4 hours. I'm looking into data anotation for some extra money for after I learn programing.

Going to see a movie today. How To train your dragon. I’d rather sleep

I had an awful, restless night of sleep full of weird dreams and when I woke up this morning my legs felt heavy and walking was difficult and I just overall felt sick and nauseous. 🤢 My legs STILL feel heavy, but have gotten better now that I'm fed and watered. Don't know what was up with that.

I have to get the ezine up today. Once I start, in five hours, my daughter is going to look at me again and say, "Momma, you look like ****. Maybe you should take a break." Lol.

I feel like I'm stuck in a rut at the moment and have been for awhile, like I've just been avoiding anything ezine or writing or reading related (now I'm up to TWENTY submissions. Lord help me!). I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know what happened to my relentless motivation. I haven't written in my journal in nine days! I usually write three pages every morning. I've been doing this the past ten years! WHAT IS GOING ON? I have to claw my way out of this hole I'm stuck in. I'm just always so tired.

At my next psych appointment I'm going to ask if we can lower my seroquel. I'm thinking that's the culprit here.

But, again, why do I TRY. Sigh.

Had a really good couple of days. Went and met the girl I met on Bumble last week at a Starbucks, we had great conversation, and we were enjoying writing. She's really turning out to be my bestie. Things are still painful heartache wise, but I am doing really well coping.

Looking forward to better days - Things are definitely better than they were. I hope you guys are doing okay.

Couldn't sleep at all last night so
I hope my CM has learned I'm not getting anything out of treatment. I told them they are failing to support me and have no way of doing so, I told them how I got the eating disorder treatment directory through saying "fk the ACT on call I'm calling rapid response" and after using the filter on the directory they gave me to narrow down from 300+ places in the US to ones that accept NH residents on Medicare there were two--one telehealth clinic for Christian nationalists based out of Texas and one dietician in MA that specifically states she does NOT take Medicare or Medicaid but still somehow showed up.

But I am going to keep openly saying "fk those c--ts" in front of them (I literally threw up in their parking lot at like 3am today) so I found a Zoom eating disorder support group through no help from them (that's at like 9pm EST midweek so talking about food and mental shyt is going to be weird when I can hear my neighbors masturbate and fight most evenings--I hope my headphones I got for $0.75 at Walmart have the background filtering microphone).

My CM mentioned the PHP a few towns over--the one I had to remind her I have no transportation to and was denied getting into anyway for being "too acute," and she mentioned the IP place in another state (and how I got denied--for having "I'm not 5 minutes from death" tests 4/5 of the last times I had them done).

She asked if I understood why they tried to do the IEA, and I said it's because I know

I’m having quite the day. I went out to get our mail (several days worth) and dropped something in the ditch. I bent to retrieve it with my arms already full and fell onto the mailbox in such a way that the clasp of the mailbox dug down my shoulder. I got fully up and fell into my brother’s truck. Mail went everywhere as did my pride.

My eyes got itchy and red from allergies and I messed with them enough that they are infected.

I was craving Lima beans and made a piping hot bowl of them. I went to sit down on the sofa and tripped over my own feet. Hot beans spilled on my leg and the sofa and my new phone.

I got a letter from my doctor stating that the gastroparesis was significant and a list of things I could eat. Not a very extensive list but I’ll do it anyway.

I think I’ll settle down in one place for the day and read a book.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Wish me luck today. I have my domain leader coming in to observe my REVOLTING class. Will pop a Valium beforehand!

I hope they also have had or at some point get a chance to observe your better classes or the same students being revolting in other classes.

"May the odds be ever in your forever!"

@JaneOnceMore Sounds like you're doing better today than last night. Sleep helps things quite a bit.

@raspberrytorte - I actually found the biggest hindrance to my creativity was the benzo I was on for 10 yr (clonazepam). Got off that and finally I could read books again and then draw and even take up watercolors. I'd love to get off Seroquel or onto a smaller dose at least but I don't sleep without it and I get psychotic. If you do lower your Seroquel, psychosis could become a big issue and any paranoia you have could worsen. Seems a plan to taper the benzo might be worth trying first? Even if benzo withdrawal is horrible, I know, it took me over a year to taper off clonazepam (I'd been taking it 10+ years), but I do feel in the long run it was worth it because at some point my anxiety and panic were not really helped by being on a benzo any longer, and now that I look back at it at the point when I was on 4 mg clonazepam/day, I had so many more panic attacks or horrible anxiety than I do now off it. I still do have anxiety and sometimes panic attacks, but it's less frequent. The key with getting off the benzo is a SLOW taper, I mean really slow, sometimes it feels like 2 steps forward, 3 steps backwards. But maybe you could wait on med changes until after you see the gyn and see what she recommends. Maybe something there could help. And I can't remember, have you had your vitamin levels checked by your PCP? Sometimes low levels of B vitamins can cause issues.

@LadyShadow - I'm glad to hear things are going well for you and that you are feeling more positive overall.

@MuddyBoots - Take care of yourself, okay? Do be careful with being in an ED support group. I just mean, I was in one once (an in person group) and I found all it did for me was make me feel more competitive with the others in the group - wanting to eat less than Jane, exercise more than Mary, self-harm more than Sally, wanting to be the skinniest (weigh the least) in the group. Even though numbers were not really allowed some things would get out especially after the session ended.

As for me, I'm having a laid back Sunday. I did an easy jog this morning before doing a curbside grocery pickup, reorganized the snack cupboard (threw away expired stuff and stuff no one had eaten in months). I read with the SAD lamp, had lunch, and I painted a croissant. I used watercolors in tubes again so I'm still learning how to dilute and mix colors on a palette. Well, actually, I didn't have to do color mixing for this painting, just dilution as it only used 3 colors. The croissant turned out a bit darker than I wanted, but it's not horrible either, and I had fun painting it. I just really, really do enjoy painting food and I'm not quite sure why that is.

((((HUGS)))) to everyone, sorry I can't address everyone individually in my post or I'd be here all afternoon typing an extremely long post.

High levels of B vitamins can also cause issues, if in case we're missing you've (or anyone has) been apparently needlessly taking a prescribed combo of a B complex, a B12, and a multivitamin simultaneously and wondered why for a few months during your normally calmer time of the year you felt like a demon possessed you.

I’ve invited him to give me some strategies. Yeah he’ll be coming to my best class too lol

Yes, this is absolutely true. One time I started having all sorts of issues with fatigue, numbness & tingling in my extremities, and I saw a neurologist who checked my B vitamins. My B6 levels were off the charts. I was taking some sort of mega women's multivitamin from a vitamin store, drinking pre-workout shakes before going to the gym (I weight lifted a lot a that time) but anyway the shakes contained high B6, I was eating cereal fortified with B vitamins, and it was just way too much B6 in my body. It was over a year before I could even take a multivitamin containing B6 (just a plain women's multivitamin, nothing fancy). Unfortunately, I now do have peripheral neuropathy, but all my vitamin levels are normal, my iron is low but still in the normal range, the cause has been given as idiopathic, which is very frustrating because I just wanted to know what was causing it and be able to fix it and I can't.

I have a problem with frequent low iron too. But I donate blood every 8 weeks or so, so that could be the culprit. I take an iron pill 3 days a week. I’m trying to remember to take a vitamin daily but don’t remember too often. But I want to know the whys too and fix it.

@Nammu - I also take an iron pill (65 mg) though I take it nightly. It has to be a certain brand though; other brands seem to cause me issues with constipation. This time around the iron pills nudged my iron up a bit. In the past though, I've twice needed to get iron infusions which wasn't much fun. I don't donate blood (even giving vials of blood for medical tests has caused me to faint in the past, I just don't know, the whole thought of it makes me so queasy and light-headed), and my periods are not heavy at all; I'm not a vegetarian. I'm not quite sure why I have iron issues, neither are the doctors. Again, it's idiopathic.

I’ve never had an issue with my brand. It’s otc but it was ordered by my doc. It had vitamin c in it to be easier to absorb. When he first ordered it I took it daily then after 6 months I had too much iron. So we lowered it to once a week. Then I became anemic again and we decided on three times a week plus the over 60 vitamin for women. Hopefully this will stop the yo yo roller coaster.

I had a horrible night. I felt I hadn’t slept at all but I must have. Had a horrible headache all night. But cool dreams of attending college again. I’ll have to look it up and see if there is such a bird as a coot. That was in my dream, clear as a bell.

Got all my checks written out. They are for organizations that I support, various animal charities. I get way too many begging letters though. I must be on a list. I send them out twice a year no matter how often they send me letters. That’s the only thing I use checks for,no way am I giving them my cc number.

Got my meds all put away for a week. Only my shower left to do. Tomorrow I’m going with my daughter and granddaughter to get pedicures and eat at our favorite Greek place. A delayed birthday celebration for them.

I’m really having to push myself to get going most days. My concentration is horrible. I put some cozy’s on hold at the library. That’s more my speed nowadays. Nothing major just the summer daze.

I wish they would check my vitamin D levels twice a year, like April/May and again around November and see if I actually need the supplement when we have only 6 hours of darkness vs like 7 hours of daylight (when it's generally either cloudy enough to be warm outside for more than a few hours or sunny and scary going on a 20 minute walk anyway and I know I need it).

Actually looked up symptoms of high vitamin D levels and I wonder if mine are a little elevated--"nausea, loss of appetite, constipation, stomach pain, muscle weakness, excessive thirst, confusion, dizziness, headaches, frequent urination." I mean I know my ED is a little extreme right now and I'm on meds and both those can cause a lot of that, but I still wonder if I need a supplement if I'm literally in the sun in the summer at least 30 minutes every day, some days almost constantly from sunrise to sunset.

I looked up "reviews" (I guess?) on reddit for this support group and people say it's pretty lowkey, you don't even have to turn your camera on as long as you write some text to say you're present (some one did say some people use the camera to body check/"show off" pretty obviously), no one (is supposed to) get a chance to chat after the group to share stuff they shouldn't, etc. I guess it's really repetitive and the first half hour is practically the same thing verbatim every time, but I only registered for once I week I think when you can join a few times a week so it should take at least three weeks before I get sick of that.

All the facilitators are in recovery I guess, and they do a good job at being a role model supposedly.

@MuddyBoots - well, if people start using the camera to body check & show-off, best to quit the group. I guess try it out, see how it goes, but body checking/showing off would definitely trigger me. It'd trigger me even now, and I've been in recovery for a long time!

Good advice here!

Nammu - there's an expression i hadn't heard in a while - you crazy ol' coot! Li'l Abner comics maybe?

That’s what I thought of! Li’l Abner or **** Tracy! But I looked it up, there is a coot, in Italy. But in my dream the baby was bright fluffy yellow. In real life the baby has a red and yellow head. Cool, I’ve been to Italy in a previous life. I just finished a Cleeves book about birders, that could be why I dreamed of birds. But that took place in Scotland. I don’t remember any talk of coots.

the movie was great! i am sooo sleepy today. its so hot here

I'm so anxious. I think the raccoon made an attempt to get into the chicken coop last night. I'm not sure if what I am seeing was there when my mom left or not but I don't think it was. I even climbed a ladder to get a better look. and that's tricky in the coopy while wearing barn boots.

There is nothing I can do tonight. Either they'll be ok in the morning or they won't. I texted my mom about what it looked like when she left but by the time I found what I'm worried about it was around midngiht for her and I'm sure she was sound asleep. If anything happens or things are not how they should be my brother will have to come down and fix it. The good thing was that I don't think the raccoon was out there tonight.

I also think one of the fish has died. I can't find it anywhere either yesterday or today. And that's bizarre because another fish died and I had to fish it out yesterday. That one had been dying for a few days so that was expected. This other one I cannot find anywhere and it's tiny so I supposed the other fish could have eaten it?

I hate this. I try to accommodate my family with pet-sitting but it seems like there is always something that completely stresses me out. At least this should be the last time this year.

I need to try to settle myself down. 7 nights and 8 days to go. I hope they all have the trip of their lives. That's the important thing. Chicken issues are just not that big of a deal in comparison. If something happens I did what I could and we knew it was possible. That knowledge just doesn't help.

2 days down!

So I'm going to my parents at the end of the month which I'm usually symptomatic at. I tried not to go but they talked me into it.