Bipolar Check-In #91

I missed a call from my dr’s nurse. Something about a cardiac surgeon?? I dunno. I probably wasn’t awake enough.

Right now a shower sounds a huge deal for me. I’ll have a bath or a shower tomorrow. I don’t shower every day. Every second day or I bath. In summer I shower every morning. In winter I can get away with it.

I guess my 2 week run of no dissociation and panic attacks is up now. Having really bad dissociation and a severe panic attack right now and am worrying my meds are poisoning me.

Took an as needed klonopin cause it was escalating fast and severely. Now like an hour later I feel significantly better. I rearranged my room and it looks better and also my living room. Everything looks good and organized. Still have some deep cleaning to do this weekend but it’s a lot more organized now. It’s Amazing how just changing your environment a bit , switching things around can make you feel so much better.

Just took my night meds and now am relaxing with an audiobook biography of Leonardo Davinci

I Facetimed with a guy i met online. He was masturbating, i could tell. Eeew! I blocked him. Then i dashed downtown to see my neighbor play in a drag/music/comedy/burlesque show. I just stayed for the drag and to see him perform. They let me in for free. I said hi to my neighbor before he went on and he high-fived me and gripped my hand, so he knows i was there. The drag was really fun.

Then i came home toute suite. On the way home i saw my other neighbor, another young guy, in the bus station. I called out to him from about twenty meters away. He heard his name, started to slow, looked up, saw it was me, and carried on without me. When i arrived at the bus stop, i stupidly joined him. He barely grunted, "How ya doing," while he scrolled his phone. I stood by him for several minutes like a dork, while he looked at his phone. Finally i moved away, because it was too awkward.

So that was TWO miserable experiences with men. I don't know why i try. I wish i wouldn't persist with them. What is wrong with me that i have these dreadful experiences and yet don't give up? I think it is my own masochism. There's no other explanation. I must like being hurt, feeling pain. At some level i must think i DESERVE it. No self-respecting woman would put up with this. I seek a man because i have low-self-esteem.

It's so unhealthy. I wish i would just become a lesbian.

Today ended up being pretty good. I picked up some storage items that make my studio look nicer. I will be getting more of them to help declutter my apartment a bit. Today I was also able to focus on reading much more that I normally can so I read for a bit. I also put some laundry away and did 15 minutes of a workout video.

My anxiety has been a little higher again, not sure why. Maybe I'll be wrong, but I kind of expect my anxiety to increase at least a little bit when I go back to school. Going with not much to do to having a on to do to get ready for the first day of school will probably feel like a lot. Setting up a classroom is quite satisfying though.

June felt long but July sure if flying by for me.

Phew JaneOnceMore good on blocking the creep. No sane person would go on cam and do that. He was trying to take full advantage but you swiftly put him back in his place. Good on you for doing that!

Had an amazing day. Did really well with work, I created a successful AI Agent for a client and got paid really well - then went and got my friend a large pizza, French fries, and garlic knots for her family. She was laid up on the couch because her epidural was so painful, and she is still feeling symptoms from it. She was trying her best to look after her little baby while dealing with 5 crazy kids running all over. Such a challenge for her! I love her though, and I was glad I could help.

Talked to my guy and watched Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and a Fantastic Four cartoon in preparation for the new movie coming out - it's pretty clear that we are just friends, I better force myself to believe that.

Have an amazing Saturday ahead - Coffee date with my bestie I made from Bumble, we're bringing our laptops to Starbucks for a writing session - then off to visit my friend in her new apartment for lunch, so excited for her! Then got to get to the pharmacy for more of my lithium and some distilled water for my CPAP machine - then rush home for a video chat date with my penpal from Poland, I am excited to talk to her!

Lesson for today: my focus has to shift to more internal work - weight loss and things for a new career - a man can never give me the love I am owed for myself. @Blue_Bird glad you are feeling better and @Nammu I really hope you get a better smoke alarm, I want you to be safe

Ooo lady I love sky captain of the world. It’s one of my top five movies I watch when I’m down.

I can't believe I forgot to share that we now have 17 2 day old chicks! We'll only keep about 6 and the rest will go to my sister. They are very cute. They wander around the brooder, get tired and just kind of collapse into a nap. I haven't spent a lot of time with them but that's to come. I have to get psychologically ready because birds are hard for me. I was fine with the chickens that were killed but that was because they were well trained and liked human attention. We have to teach this to our chicks.

I'm up at 2 AM because I just learned that grape juice apparently is a laxative for me. I don't remember ever having that issue before but maybe I drank more today? I am on a low fiber diet until I go onto clear liquids before my colonoscopy. Juice helps with getting calories but not grape apparently. At this rate I won't need to do the bowel prep at all. I hope it ends soon so I can sleep. I have to go to Walmart tomorrow. I should have gone today but didn't feel good and then had a 2.5 hour nap in the afternoon. I guess I was tired from getting up really early Thursday for my swallowing test.

I hope you are all asleep unless your time zone says otherwise!

Nope, trying to get to sleep now.

I slept well and all my anguish has disappeared and i remember only how electric the show was and how glad i am i went. It was a tremendous experience to see my city all alive and vibrating in the downtown area on a warm Summer Friday night in July. There were even kids around!

Public transit was a dream, the club was only about 150 meters from the station. Wow, i haven't had THAT good a time since i left Vancouver 25 years ago. This city really has a heart of a lion!!! I'm so glad i got out to experience it!

It was really good for my sense of efficacy. I feel more confident for having got out to enjoy some nightlife and for skillfully taking public transit, far superior to driving downtown where traffic is frustrated by the swarms of pedestrians. I am delighted that i had the faith and courage to go and that it worked out so beautifully!

There was a bouncer at the outside door and he welcomed me [i dyed my hair purple { @raspberrytorte (it's really pretty and takes twenty years off me!) }] and opened the door for me. The ticket salesman let me in for free because i didn't have cash and he didn't have the point-of-sale machine for my credit card. Nice!

I got there late and a lovely kind woman waved me into the only seat left. There were short rows of upholstered furniture so i didn't have to sit at a table alone like a dork. It was a tiny place. There were women ahead of me at the toilet and they let me go first, i think out of kindness to a woman flying solo.

The whole vibe of the evening was just love and fun and electricity! It was safe and comfortable and easy and i have fallen totally in love with my city like never before!!!

I really need to GET SOME WORK DONE. I'm seriously getting BORED. Like last night I went to bed before ten because I was bored. I woke up at 4am and wrote in my journal, had a banana and a coke zero for breakfast (I know. Real healthy. 💯 ), and now I'm just laying here because I'm kind of tired I guess. I don't know. I'm tired of being a blank blob. I need to do some writing.

How are you holding out today, @Blue_Bird? I hope the Klonopin helped and you got a nice restful sleep in.

No sleep last night, breakfast accompanied by a 5 mile walk/run. So much for thinking trazodone + switching from Adderall to Clonidine and Straterra + upping the Rexulti would help me sleep, eat, and chill out for one fking time in my life... Called on-call and she told me to go to the Dollar store and get craft stuff so I got some fabrics to make a pillow cover for a chair cushion. If it comes out well I'll get a couple more. They had such fun patterns! Oh, I got a new water bottle too, because I rage broke the two I had. One at the mental health center in the lobby. It was a good scene... (if we're going for "most dramatic and hysterical" awards I suppose).

My walk this morning was cool though. I left before sunrise and got to see the steam come off the river as the sun came up and things heated up some from a really cool angle on a trail over looking it from above that made the rest of the town seem under water. I wish I stopped and got a picture, but I did get a video of a hawk watching me and then taking off.

Crap screenshots from the video, but here's Tony the Hawk

I love hawks! Thanks!

Having coffee then going to get gas in my car then go home and clean my bathroom.

Hey Muddy, thank you! I’m doing good. I slept great last night 9 hours. I rarely take klonopin, may take it a couple times a month at most; so when I do use it it’s very effective since I don’t have a tolerance built up. After it kicked in and I was feeing better I put some perfume on to further ground myself and did some organizing and rearranging some furniture in my apartment and am happy with how it looks now.

Even though I dissociated and panicked yesterday that was the first time in almost 2 weeks so the overall trend is that it’s happening less often so that’s still good even though I’m mad the streak got ruined lol I asked my therapist before if it’s possible to get rid of dissociation entirely and she said she wasn’t sure about entirely but it can definitely be lessened or made more tolerable with coping and grounding skills. So maybe I shouldn’t aim for perfection. At least it’s some progress.

Your pictures look awesome @MuddyBoots !! glad you had a nice walk, also making pillow covers sounds like fun! I got a new waterbottle recently too. I need to use it more but I tend towards drinking hot drinks like plain tea and black decaf coffee. Trying to drink more water though. It’s just that the hot drinks are so much more comforting than water lol

Glad you had a fun night @JaneOnceMore !

I’m finally getting back to practicing violin after a couple month hiatus from it. I scheduled my next lesson with my violin teacher for August 22nd for an hour. Miss having/making music in my life. We’re probably gonna be working on a an Irish jig called Red Haired Boy.

Once the holiday season rolls around I’ll do my 25 Christmas songs for December on violin and post them on Facebook.

Anyway, doing good. Going to collect rocks today for the rock painting class I’m teaching next Thursday. Enjoying the morning with some tea and instrumental music.

Did my jack-o’-lantern painting yesterday. Not my best work but it’s okay

I swear the ads on this site are driving me nuts. I’m about to just go ahead and pay for Tapatalk Pro so I don’t have to deal with them all

Went out. Got coffee. Got gas in my car. Home now. Cleaning bathroom. Just vacuumed. Did dishes. Waiting for the toilet cleaner to do its thing then I can scrub it out.

Hey @MuddyBoots - love the hawk wow!! @JaneOnceMore - I am so glad you had such a fun night out!! @raspberrytorte - I hear you about all the writing woes, I need to put my butt in gear too! @Nammu - Sky Captain was SO good - it was just such a different type of movie that we just don't see anymore, I enjoyed it so much,

I am so glad you got so much done @Blue_Bird - I feel like I need to rearrange my place before my bestie comes over for our sleepover - We bought some Edgar Allan Poe Speakeasy tickets for August 15th in my town! They are going to perform 4 Edgar Allan Poe stories and give us 4 free "Poe" themed drinks included with our tickets - it should be a lot of fun!!

At Starbucks right now, and doing a nice writing session with her - my other friend canceled, so I am just going to head to the pharmacy and then have my video chat with my penpal from Poland later.

Hope everyone is having a great day!

I couldn't wake up until 8:41. I slept fine. My mom got up before me. I don't have any plans today. Just hanging out. I feel fine besides the knee pain