Bipolar Check-In #93

I took 1 and 1/4 valium today. I normally take 3 a day and 150mg of visteril. I feel perfectly fine and will this feeling last or will I feel like dog shyt tommrow? Like how fast do withdrawels last. I'm hoping to get it filled tommorow I have 3 and 3/4 pills left.

If I can deal with just 3/4 of I'll be ok for my trip.

But someone said you can die from.Valium withdraewels?

My home is so tiny it's sad. Welcome to my sad home. My bed for one, my dining area for one, my comfortable seating for one. It's pathetic and i feel sorry for myself. My grand achievement, homeownership. It's an embarrassment and i am ashamed. It's a rectangular box in which i live, like a hamster.

I just took a bath. Feeling a sense of accomplishment. I smell beautiful like the bath soap that my partners mom gave me for my birthday!

I've had a grouchy day. No reason why aside from I got too hot but not for that long. I have just avoided doing most things today.
Oddly my mom was in a bad mood too so we agreed to stay away from each other. We had a spaghetti squash we'd planned to have for dinner but wound up splitting it and each cooking our own half.

I feel better now but still just not myself. My cat is laying on me and usually I love when she does that but right now and at another time in the day I just want to move around so she jumps down.

Like I said, crabby.

Weird stuff and GI stuff trigger



Thats kinda messed up that it happened. I think I'm only able to tell my endocrolgist through the portal and my therapist through email

But I guess I can just see what happens after the 5th. The stricture is my intestines. So maybe I just annoyed it

My mom asked what I ate and I havent eaten in 6 hours and that was just a sandwhich.

Confession was really good. I had a really powerful spiritual experience in the courtyard with Mary among all the flowers with the summer breeze. Cried a lot while I prayed with my rosary. Got to see Father before he went into the church so he blessed my rosary for me. After confession, I spent some time praying in the church and cried some more.

When I got home, my guy ended up calling me and we spent some time. You can tell there is tension between us. I am not going to push to be with him anymore, he doesn't want me anymore. It's about time I face that. I am not looking for anyone though, after all the tears this afternoon, I realize my heart can't take another heartbreak - this one almost killed me.

Looking forward to a great day tomorrow at mass and then a day with my parents. Much to be grateful for. Watching Svengoolie with my best friend now - it's Leprachaun night, this movie is so bad and funny and just what I needed.

The reduction in my klonopin is so weird. One day I sleep fine. The next I don't. And the sequence continues. I know my body is going through changes with this and I'm ok to stick it out for now. I'm a little worried that my crabby day might be related but I think I just had a bad day. I just have to continue to watch it. I can always go back on it but I've made it nearly a week so surely things will settle soon.

I hope nobody is on here to read this (except maybe Crazy Hitch)!

@Mountaindewed my cat has been extra affectionate today too. She is very attuned to my moods. It's a good warning signal.

@Mountaindewed

I don't know how much diazepam you take, but I take 30mg a day. I felt it after not taking it for a day and a half. (Or it could have been two and a half days. I'm uncertain.)

During one of my recent IP stays I had 2mg IV Ativan every 4hrs (equivalent to 60mg of diazepam a day)and every now and then (once every day or 2) 10mg IM Diazepam and didn’t really get any noticeable withdrawals when I got discharged other than I had to deal with the manic symptoms that never ended. My *** bone hurt for a month from them hitting bone from one of the injections though.

@Mountaindewed your cat is so cute!

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Good morning. I slept great, around 9 1/2 hours. Worked on the mushroom house painting a bit. Later tonight I’ll practice violin. that’s all I have planned for today. I started the increased dose of Lamictal today so I’m now on 300 mg. Only 1 more increase left! Then I’ll be at the target dose of 400 mg. Glad these med changes are almost done with. It’s been a long slow process that started in May.

I decrease the trileptal dose down to 150 mg next week then after my next appointment on September 12th I can stop it completely, finally.

Tomorrow I have a shift at my volunteer job. That’s about it. There’s an exercise class in my building I may or may not go to. It just depends how I’m feeling in the afternoon. It ends like an hour before I have to leave for my volunteer job. I’ll probably end up going just for a distraction from anxiety.

I’m joining the watercolor class starting tomorrow. It’s $45 a month. It’s well worth it though, my friend has been in it a long time and she has improved so much over the years with her watercolor painting. The teacher is also really good.

I have a violin lesson coming up September 14th so I need to get prepared for that in the coming weeks.

Just enjoying some music right now and decaf coffee

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I think I’m gonna ask my psychiatrist if I can just stay at 300 mg of Lamictal instead of going up to 400mg. I feel like this dose is enough. I don’t want to increase and risk side effects. Right now it’s fine, I’m doing well, and not having side effects. So probably best to leave it alone.

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@Blue_Bird

I take 200mg of Lamictal. If I go above that it turns me into a moron. I forget words, names, etc. It's kind of funny because the meds that are SUPPOSED to turn me into a moron don't (gabapentin, topamax). At one point I was on 400mg of Lamictal. It was not good for my writing!

But, 200mg is fine. Just chills me out a bit (well, I'm on a lot of sedatives, so of course I'm chilled out for the most part. Lol).

I'm sorry Blue. I don't even know where I'm going with this!

Stay on 300mg if it's working for you. Will your psychiatrist be fine with that?

Thanks! Yeah when I first started Lamictal back in May I remember forgetting basic words to things , like for the life of me I couldn’t remember the word spatula when I was cooking. Just basic memory lapses. Yeah I think he’ll be okay with that as long as I’m doing well. He’s very easy to talk to and knows I know myself best so if I feel like I’m doing well on the 300mg I’m sure he’ll be okay with letting me stay at that dose. The only side effects I’ve had is some tiredness. The forgetting words to things has mostly gone away though it still occasionally happens it’s not often anymore. So I’m tolerating it well. I figure there’s no reason to up the dose if this is working fine

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The highest dose lamictal I was on was 300mg too so I’m not sure what a higher dose would do. Even my pdoc said I’m on a high dose. He changed it to lithium though. I was never too happy about the change tbh. I felt like lamictal was better at controlling the low spells. But my pdoc is the old school belief that lithium is the gold standard. I thought lithium blood work had to be done every 3-6 months but considering I don’t see my pdoc for another year I could be wrong. And he didn’t even give me paperwork to get blood tests done so there’s that. I could always ask my gp in December to do my blood work for my I guess.

I’ve packed my benzo for work in my bag. I’ve got a Year 9 class who weren’t great last week and I’m not sure why. They were just talking over me the whole time and wouldn’t be quiet. When I made a seating plan for them on Thursday all they did was argue about the seating plan and yell across the classroom to their mates. I’ll see how they go today and if it’s a nightmare I might get a coordinator to come in and speak to them. I see them just before recess which means I can keep some back at recess but that doesn’t touch sides. Last week I kept quite a few back at recess and they honestly didn’t care.

My doc had me on 400mg while on Depakote and my liver was FUBAR and I lost a lot of vision. Apparently you’re not supposed to go above 200 if you’re also on Depakote. A

I was so tired this morning. I kept drifting off until 1 and then I felt better. But I took a caffeine pill and drank an iced latte and I still couldn't function. I slept fine. I've been taking 2 extra visteris since I only have 3 valiumes left and the extra visterils are making a big difference.

So I was pretty much pased out half the day until I felt better.

I am on lamictal 100 andd I've been asking to go up to 200 but my doctor said no

I foumd the perfect job on indeed but my mom says I'll just get worked up if I look at work now.

I got some wall stickers and another blanket and decked out my reading corner.

Yeah that’s a lot, doesn’t depakote raise the lamictal levels? I know trileptal decreases my lamictal levels

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I think so. I just know the doctor at the hospital was angry at my outpatient doc for doing that to me and didn’t get why I was on ER Depakote 2x a day (I didn’t either).

Looks cozy!

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Like! 😊 😊😊😊😊

I'm super irritable today. Not really sure why-maybe depression irritability? I was in bed for forever (8 pm to 10 am) so it shouldn't be a lack of sleep.

At my next pdoc appointment, I'll talk with him about the possibility of increasing my seroquel again. I was going to send him a message but, if I do, I won't have enough pills to get me to my next appointment with him in a couple of weeks. I suppose I could wait a week and then message him a week before my next appointment. This would allow me to try it for at least a few days before I see him. I tend to respond to a seroquel increase quickly so even with just a week I'd have an idea if it was working.

I'm burnt out from managing my bipolar disorder, but trying a dose change is the right thing to do so I'll give it a try if my pdoc says it's okay/thinks it will help.

I was only ever on 300mg of lamictal. It made me into a zombie. But that’s what I needed at the time. Did me good. Was on 200 mg with my current meds but when I moved up here and was with family I wanted to feel, and I was just flat. I went off it, and I’ve been fine. The flat affect took some time to go away.

Was at the art festival this morning. I bought earrings. They will go with a necklace I have. Had a good time with my sister. She’s my older sister. We listened to bands for a bit and walked around. But we both agreed we don’t need anymore stuff. I downsized when I moved here and already my artwork is running out of room. My sister and brother in law are looking for a smaller one level house and they will have to downsize then. So we just injoyed looking. One guy paints with a razor blade instead of brushes. His work is brilliant. It’s 3D too! I met the lady who teaching the crochet class. I’m looking forward to that, I’ve always wanted to learn. I’ll I’ve been able to get off the internet is how to stitch a straight line, I can’t turn around.

The weather is brilliant today. In the 60’s with a stiff wind. Great for being outside with a sweatshirt. Cloudy with sunshine. I feel very energetic.