My Bipoar

a few nights ago i sent a message to this guy who had cheated on his pregnant girlfriend with me and we got into a fight because he told me that he had told her and i found out that she had no idea til a month ago so i went off at him and then she was talking to me and i told her i wanted to kill myself cuz of wat he did and she told me he wasnt worth it then she told me to leave them alone or she would press charges so i left them alone.

last night mum asked me if i had been talking to them and asked if i told them i wanted to kill myself i asked her who told her then she told me it was that girl and then mum was saying that she didnt know what to do but she didnt want me to kill myself and i yelled at her and said that if i was going to do it i would have done it by now

i know she only wants to help but i dont want help i dont want her to treat me differently i just want her to understand that i dont trust people and dont want them to know bout me

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Jazz91 said:
i know she only wants to help but i dont want help i dont want her to treat me differently i just want her to understand that i dont trust people and dont want them to know bout me

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hi Jazz,
I am not sure what you mean by this...
YOu mean you don't trust your mum?
It sounds like she was reaching out for you and offering support.
You are going thru so much...your moods etc.
I will be glad when You get to see your psychologist.
It sounds like you could use some family counseling so they can better learn how to support you and you can learn to communicate.
Change is hard and life is all about change.
WE must learn from our mistakes and grow.
Try to not have history repeat itself.
I wish I had learned this so many years ago.
bizi

i just dont know if im ready cuz i pulled myself so far forward on my own that to seek proffessional help i would have to dig up old pains im not sure if i can do it

The great thing about therapy is that you get to work on things as you see fit.
Pains from your past are interferring with your present day choices you are making...
this what I mean, it is about changing the way we interact with people, building your self esteem learning to take care of yourself with out a man, these are all hard choices.
But you can work on yourself...
This is not easy but you are worthy of this work.
I wish you wellness.
bizi

i went to see the psycologist yesterday it went really well we did a test i didnt score to well it said that i had severe anxiety so we talked about wat caused it and yeah i am happy with the progress we made i have another appointment with someone different in 2 weeks

then this morning i saw the guy who threatened to kill me i just feel like me trying to recover is pulling me down more

I am glad that you had a good sesson.
Keep up the work of getting better. IT is a challenge...
and it takes work but like I said...You are worth it!
bizi

thanks bizi ur responces are appreciated
and im starting to feel like im worth it i still have a long road to recovery but every step i take gets me closer to the end of this nightmare to a life i deserve

This is hard work.
But you have to be active and take responsibilty for your life.
It is your job to do and no one elses.
so you get to reap the benefits of your hard work.
You make it happen.
You are accountable.
this is an active process not passive.
Life is a journey along the way not an end result.
That is why everyday matters...because that is all we truly have.

HOw we live each day is what it is all about.
I wish you much luck in your journey jazz...let me know if I can help you.
bizi

you have done alot thankyou and i will let u know if there is any more

I don't trust anyone either, but I hope you don't kill yourself in the future because of this. I'm not an expert or anything, but sometimes you have to learn to get over things like this. There's no point in losing yourself over a guy; espeacially if he has a pregnant girlfriend and is still with her. Trust me, I know. I haven't been in the same situation, but close to it. It'll be hard, but it won't hurt just to try. You'll be over it in time if you try to move on with your life.

yeah i am trying that and it is working a charm....
i am so happy today everything seems to be going great i am smiling and cheerful and cant wait to face the day.

yey me!!!!!!!!!!!

Good for you!

fharper6

This is a great report!
bizi

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Jazz91 said:
i went to see the psycologist yesterday it went really well we did a test i didnt score to well it said that i had severe anxiety so we talked about wat caused it and yeah i am happy with the progress we made i have another appointment with someone different in 2 weeks

then this morning i saw the guy who threatened to kill me i just feel like me trying to recover is pulling me down more

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Jazz, One thing, try to remember that there is no such thing as not scoring well. These are not pass/fail tests like school, these are strictly to figure out where our mind is. Whenever they give you screening tests, be truthful, completely truthful, with your answers. Try to distinguish between your mood and how you really feel. If it is something on a scale they want you to rate feeling on, try not to answer neutral unless you really are neutral on the issue, but don't go to the extremes unless that is how you usually feel (one of my problems is that I do feel the extremes most of the time). All truthful answers give the correct results. You want the correct diagnosis, so that you can find to correct route to healing. The actual diagnosis is just a label, BP, GAD, BPD, who cares (easy for me to say as I have all three of those labels ). The label really does not matter that much, finding the right way to heal from it does. As a friend of mine tries to tell those who are struggling with diagnosis, you have a condition, you are not the condition. It is an important distinction. If you come out with an indication you have one of the distinct illnesses, then it can be treated. The label is for the illness though, not for you. Don't be afraid of that label.

BTW, you likely know those initials, but GAD is General Anxiety Disorder, BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder. None or very nice, but they were a lot worse before I went through those tests and started treatment, and I have faith that they will continue to get better. I have faith in you too.

my mum and i have been fighting all weekend and she keeps asking me what she can do to get better but then she spends 3 hour b*tching to my older brother saying that im just seeking attention i didnt eat dinner last night and she thought i was going to kill myself i felt like it but i would not burden my family like that over a stupid fight but i just wish she would be a bit more sypathetic instead of acting like she is the f*cking victim in all this i dont want to be like this if i could trust her more then maybe i wouldnt be this bad but she has let me down so many times before

35 things Not to say to someone depressed:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

....FromSpikols blog:
from Terry, who, inspired by Jan T., has written his list of
"35 Things Not to Say to Someone Who Is Depressed":
Don’t let it eat you up.
You’ve got to get over it.
You’ve been down and out too long.
People are beginning to talk.
Don’t be an idiot things aren’t that bad.
If you just get out of bed and take a shower and get dressed you’ll feel a whole lot better.
It’s all in your head.
You’re a great guy you have all it takes so why throw it away.
Get better for the sake of the family if you can’t do it for yourself.
Think about your mother and how this must make her feel.
I’d like to but I just don’t get it.
What you need is tough love.
You don’t fool me with this depression crap you’re just lazy.
Wake up and smell the roses.
Everybody is worried about you.
Why is it always about you?
If you’d get over yourself and rejoin the human race you’d feel better.
Things can’t be all that bad?
You used to be such a nice guy.
You’re such a loser.
You set the bar too high; don’t be so hard on yourself.
It’s just SAD get yourself one of those lamps.
All you need is a girlfriend.
Are you still hung up on Cathy?
What’s got into you?
A couple of tokes and you’ll be fine.
I met this guy who was depressed….
Everybody is worried about you.
You should get out more.
I know exactly how you feel.
We all get a little depressed now and then it’s nothing to lose sleep over.
Let’s go out get something to eat have a few beers and see what happens.

THE FOUR WORST WORDS ...
To say to anyone in crisis or depression:
"JUST
GET
OVER
IT"
Just get over it? You have got to be kidding me!
Now, these four words could be said in a manner of kindness from those that do not know better. Those who love you. Those you live with. Lord forgive them; for they know not what they say!
But even with the best of intentions these four words cut deep -- deep into my soul, my heart, my confidence. Trauma of any kind is hard to process, to work through. It is an unexpected event that alters the course of your life. And we are supposed to "just get over it"?
Why? To make them feel better? Our friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors. Because if we get over it, that gives all of them assurance that nothing bad will ever come to them. It gets our problems off their minds. It's like somehow our dysfunctional recovery helps to create their denial.
Then there are the pity offerings. The phone calls, emails, cards. All with "Thinking of you," "In our prayers," "Call me if you need me" (which really means, Please leave me alone).
And then there are the ones who tell you, "I wish I could be there to help you. If only I had the time. If only I didn't have my kids, my job, my theater group." Whatever the excuse, they feel it gives them absolution. That by their superficial intentions, that they are off the hook. Please, I say, put your pity back in your pocket!
Funny, though: Sooner or later, traumatic experiences, crisis, even depression touch everyone in some way. Someday, somehow, somewhere to you or someone you love.
So please:
Don't take pity on me. Help me love me, be my friend, my spouse, my child.
Don't send false promises. Be real, be honest, be open.
Don't be angry with me. I am trying my best.
Don't ignore me. Ignoring doesn't gaurantee immunity.
Don't talk down to me. I'm fighting the fight of my life.
But worst of all, don't tell me, "just get over it," "this too shall pass," "there are some worse off," or my personal favorite: "jump back on that horse!" Because by doing that you invalidate me and you lie to yourself.
All I need -- all I really need -- is time, your love, a shoulder, a hug, a concerned ear to listen, and a soft place to fall.

Print this out jazz and give it to your mother.
I wish you wellness,
we need to teach people how to respond to us....they are not born knowing.
bizi

i am seeing a psycologist this afternoon her name is brigit im worried and confused and am unsure what i should do

let me know how it goes!
bizi

Try to remain calm as much as possible. Meeting new people scares me too.. Just chill. I hope your next sessions goes okay ;]

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>

what she did she told me all this stuffand by the end of the session nearly made me cry then asked y i wasnt crying it was like she was tryingto make me feel bad about asking for help

Hope you visit went well Jazz. Had I seen your post sooner (assuming with the time diff that you have gone already), my advice would be:

Be calm.

Don't overstate or understate. It takes a long time to get past an initial misdiagnoses, and much of the time some Docs can see through your misstatements anyway.

Remember, Doc offices are safe zones. I assume at least that the rules are very similar there, and if so, all visits are confidential. What is said there stays there. Normally, they only reason that anything leaves that room is if they rule that you are an immediate danger to yourself or others. If you are, don't hide it.

I am social phobic, I can't talk to people in general. I do online, and I do both in doc sessions and group sessions. Trust the safe zone rules and it you do, it will allow you to be truthful with them as you need to be.

Remember, they have heard everything. You will not shock them with anything you say, so feel free to do so. They need to know.

Try to remember things that you don't normally do. I was initially misdiagnosed in part because I honestly could not remember until my mind cleared. Try to remember all you can.

Don't be afraid to show emotion in there.

Look them in the eyes, it will help them know the truth in what you are saying, or if there is more even it you do not realize it at the time.

Just my little piece of advice, it applies to future visits as well. As for mom, we can't really control how others react I am afraid. They do not have the same point of reference that we do. I feel good for them that they have never had to experience it, but it sure would be nice if they could understand.

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Jazz91 said:
what she did she told me all this stuffand by the end of the session nearly made me cry then asked y i wasnt crying it was like she was tryingto make me feel bad about asking for help

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I doubt very seriously that she was trying to make you feel bad, and certainly not for asking for help. Not there, so only a guess, but it sounds like she was giving you permission because she could see and feel the emotion. She was likely telling you it is OK to let it out. With her, in there, you do not have to internalize it. Show how you feel. That may not be by crying for you, but if it is, don't hold it back.

i just dont like it when people jump to the wrong conclusions and that is what she was doing the hole session like im just a typical teenager that is not the case i no how stupid this must sound but my situation is completely different

Trust me, I know Jazz. I hear it from mine constantly. They think we are all cookie cutters. Some of it is stuff that they see over and over, but not all. We are individuals, but they are taught, at least in the initial stages, to treat us as if we are not. All I can say it that some of it you can only try to not take personally.

Guess what, some of it they will be correct on, but some of it they won't. Even the stuff they are correct on though is meaningless at first, it is just like saying "get over it". If you could just get over it, you would not need help. Hell, I know most of the stuff they tell me. Knowing does mean spit. I want to know how to work through it. If I say a subject is not something I want to discuss, then move on. Do not tell me you've seen the same thing a hundred times, because you have not, I have not been here 100 times.

You won't get past that the first part of your treatment though. They will try to cookie cutter you, until they learn how much of that really fits you, and how much they have to personalize. Unfortunately, it is a product of our "modern" medical system. They start everyone with roughly the same symptoms in exactly the same pattern of treatment, and see what part of it works, then adjust.

I will tell you an example: The first group I was in, the leader admitted they were going to use "best accepted practices". That means, they were going to use a technique that would help the most people in the group, for the least amount of effort. He then stated that 1/3 of the people would fail to follow the treatment plan. Of the remaining, 3/4 would be help, 1/4 would not. I looked around the room, at about 60 people I had never met. I picket out 20 who I felt would not finish the class. I then picked out 10 that I did not think it would help. 19 of the 20 I chose, did not finish. 8 to the 10 were no better off after the class than before. They play the odds until they know different.

First session is just to put you into the right category of treatment. For some reason, they seem to thing telling you that it is no different than others will put you more at ease. It does not. Knowing that there are others who have been help that are similar to you is great, but we are still individuals.

OK, that was long, but basically, yes, I know exactly what you mean.

it made a bit of sense so yeah i will try