Living with and loving a person with Bipolar Disorder

#2 of 5/6 required posts to gain entry to chat support groups and private messaging of members... attempting to start a new thread here:
I am seeking to share with individuals who have experience living with someone you love who has Bipolar disorder. This is all somewhat new to me and I am overwhelmed with ...should I stay or should I go...I'm commtted to the traditionalist view - come hell or high water - our parents didn't bail and so shall we not...how much abuse and hurt can I take and stay sane...what do I do...where can I get help to survive the insanity... I have fairly recently moved in with a man I thought was one of the major loves in my life. I knew before hand he was dx last year (before my time)asw Bipolar and has been stabilized on on low dose, milder forms of medications. I made a conscious, informed decision to stay here with him. He has been wonderful to me until I confronted him re: his internet female friend and some compulsive behavior (rationalizing and denying the relationship ofcourse). Last night he entered into a full blown 'episode'. In reflection..creating a time line on paper of 'unusual' behaviors...I should have seen it coming. I am new to this, but I don't want to give up on him. During plateaus of stabilty - he is wonderful and our life is 'normal'. I have invested myself in helping him work through this but this episode was down right emotionally and verbally abusive. My biggest question: are the plateaus of 'normalcy' between swings - the real person - capable of love, honesty, trust, insight, good judgement and spirituality? Or are they merely a facade created by medications and temporary brain chemistry equalization?

I saw this post and HAD to answer. as somebody who IS bipolar and DOES mentally and physically abuse my husband, i need to say this. We all wish to be normal. when an episode arises, at least with me, i know in my mind that what im doing is wrong but i cant stop the behavior. its out of control and it gets worse and worse until ive broken him down and were both spent. Maybe its me controlling him by breaking him down. I know that when I feel good i am GREAT! To answer your question, I am a loving caring pretty and understanding individual who was dealt a %#@&#! card that I have to shuffle on a daily basis. the meds.....hmmm,,,,,well the best way to describe it is walking in the dark for a looong time and somebody just turns the lights on. (we all want the lights on) but when they get turned off, its hard to find the switch. make sense?

It a chemical imbalance. we all WANT to be loving. we all have it in us to be loving. we do not enjoy misery. What we need are loving partners who take the time to listen, and learn about our illness and help us through the difficult times. I have never cheated but I have impulse spending issues which i am trying to curb, along with a bad attitude towards my wonderful supportive husband. Sorry for the rambling i hope it helps.

The real me.....is chemically imbalanced who wants to be happy but has no choice in some circumstances on how i behave. after which i ususally feel crappy. I WANT TO BE HAPPY and on those good days, that is me. On bad days i dont think thats me. I want to be happy.

Hope this helps....if not sorry! Im bipolar AND add and sometimes ramble.

take care and welcome to PC

Colleen

CTHOMAS...thank u so much for sharing! I am so hoping to learn from theses forums. I read the NIMH, etc sites, and the text books, but I NEED to understand this one from the 'inside' looking out - if we're going to make it. I am not a novice in the arena (health professional - with experience with this and many other disorders/sufferings) but I'm always on the outside looking in. My oldest son was dx as such a few years back and is essentially in trouble and mia... so I never got to understand it all from the inside outward...from the victims perspective. I love him with all my heart, and now find I love a partner very much with the same suffering...what's a girl to do? : ) I know I need to be calm, informed, and dedicated...but where does he end and I begin? I feel he has the illness, but I do not want to let his illness have me? Make any sense? Please encourage your spouse and others like him to talk here to people like me? I need the support right now. And you, too, please share me.

If there is any good place to learn THIS is the place. I am working on my marriage which has suffered because of ME and my illnesses and insecurities. Luckily for me, hes decided to stay with me, he loves me. he must if he is still with me now. after 15 years of being traumatized.

Hes a good man and I am grateful.

Keep posting. We are good people, who are trying to get past a crappy thing. it doesnt make the behavior right, it just may explain it a bit better.

Take care.
Colleen

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luvsbikes said:
My biggest question: are the plateaus of 'normalcy' between swings - the real person - capable of love, honesty, trust, insight, good judgment and spirituality? Or are they merely a facade created by medications and temporary brain chemistry equalization?

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I don't quite know how to put this... We are not irrevocably damaged insane people who are incapable of love, honesty, trust, insight, good judgment and spirituality. When we are well we are ourselves. The purpose of medication is to stabilize our moods not to create a false persona. We are not and should not be defined by our disease.

It can be tough to be with a person who is bipolar. There is no denying that, but you need to make the decision of what is best for you. It doesn't sound like you are married as you said you just moved in together so I personally look at it like, there was not vow made before god and freinds, so no reason that your traditionalist view should keep you there. Even traditionalist date to find the person to make that vow of forever to. It sounds like you have already made up your mind by saying that you thought he was one of the major loves in your life, the fact that this happened once and you are already questioning your commitment even though you described the rest of your time together as good, the thought that you wonder who this person really is, and the major theme of the post being that you feel that as a traditionalist you have to stay rather than saying you want to stay because you love him.

Sorry if this sounded blunt, but I hope that by having what you posted summarized by a third person's view you see where your heart and head are headed. Good luck.

I am wondering how long it took for you to be diagnosed? I started having problems after my daughter was born. I see a psychiatrist and therapist and they have never mentioned that I have it...But some of what I have read does seem familiar. I have depression, anxiety, some ocd, and very recently was tested for add and now have another medication on my list. I am very creative and artsy too and emotional...I have never had highs where I can't sleep, but do like to spend, have never really been on like a spree...but definately spent for emotional fulfillment or a lift. I have shared these things and like a said no one has suggested it .

reost by Schatje: no offense taken. I am amidst trying to figure it all out. Perhaps my issue is more so his denial than my acceptance of the situation? Why when a person, say has blood sugar issues and an outsider says - 'you are symptomatic', or 'your behavior is odd, check your sugar and eat/take medication/call the doc' etc - all's good - that persons listens, accepts and follows the advice...but... my Bipolar experience is...met only with defensiveness, denial, arguementativeness, hostility, aggression, and everything is turned around on me/my fault, no 'I'm sorries' after the abusive facts, and I am only told to leave. And everything just flips - from wonderful and everything you thought you'd been waiting for for decades to...a hellashis nightmare...and there is no talking about it when the plateau comes BECUZ 'it didn't happen that way' - enter denial and defensiveness. I know there's a lot of work that lies before me/us. I am just trying to make some sense of it before I am convinced that I am losing my mind.

My name is sean and ive been married to my wife with bipolar now for 10 years, I am at my witts end, not sure what to do either, iv delt wit her telling people that i beat on her, cheat on her and so on. Ive been in jail 3 times cause she told the cops i hit her and i did no such thing. My wife always says i cheat on her, but never have. She believes that i do so much that she actualy went out and cheated on me with atleast 3 different guys. I guess im tring to make it work more for my kids than any thing. Dont get me wrong i love her, but i dont think i can take this much more. I guess thats why i joined up with all of you guys, tring to get some answers to help. thanks sean

I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, have been in a stable relationship for a year. My partner has no mental health issues, does not know much about bipolar but tries to understand.

are the plateaus of 'normalcy' between swings - the real person - capable of love, honesty, trust, insight, good judgement and spirituality?

Yes. Absolutely.

There are different things that can trigger an episode - changes in surroundings, stress, things like that. Usually coming off medication triggers an episode, too. Sometimes - the trigger can't be indicated. It just happens.

You may want to learn to recognize these triggers - you probably have studied those already.

Or are they merely a facade created by medications and temporary brain chemistry equalization?

If the person acts normally, feels good, then it's okay.

Well.. I don't like to say that you have to take medication for bipolar (or anything else) forever.. But if there is a medication that works, doesn't cause terrible side effects, and if without it you go on an episode, I won't deny that it is beneficial to keep on taking that med.

But there are other ways to equalize the brain chemistry. Besides, that is just one theory of why these "illnesses" happen - I don't know if it is right but currently it's the one that makes sense.

Medication treats symptoms, but does not remove the root problems. Therapy is for that. I wonder if your partner has a therapist?

You could try seeking one as well, or join a support group for the families of bipolar patients or something. I'm not saying you're crazy, because for therapy you don't have to be crazy, but living with someone with an issue like bipolar is really tough and energy-consuming.

I should know. I tried for 5 months and I'm still recovering from that.

Also, you mentioned your partner's last episode was emotionally abusive towards you. For that, you could use support.

Anyway, I'll end this long ramble here. Hope it was of any help and hope I didn't sound too much of a wise *****. Best of luck to you.

Katie

It is harder for someone who is experiencing mood shifts and especially mania to hear and accept that there is something wrong. In his mind he may be feeling attacked even though you didn't intend it that way. His thinking and feelings are skewed because of the mania. While we are definitely responsible for our actions our reaction to things that cause our actions is something we cannot control. It sounds like he needs a med adjustment.

It might help to know that while I can't control how I feel all the time and how I react to certain situations I have learned to accept that my husband is there to help and I need to listen to him.

Schatje - I believe you have hit the nail on the head here. I identify this as the probable base of the problem: difficulty hearing and accepting what I am saying and how I intend it vs it's being a provocational attack; I suggested (at a time following the 'episode') that he make another Doc appt for some lab work and possible med adjustment (I was met with a questioning look and verbal acknowledgement of why? but maybe if I think it necessary) - but no motion towards calling Doc.
I pray everyday not to become a codependant and not to allow this to take over my life (btw-Serenity Prayer helps) but I am close to calling Doc and getting therapist referral for him myself. He tells me to do it - but I know HE should take the iniative based on my honest assessment of the situation and his feelings of acceptance of the illness and committment to doing all he can to arrest the illness and hold future episodes at bay. Am I right or wrong here?
My perspective: If he had a cardiac issue and couldn't get to the phone - ofcourse I'd call and take him. He can with this issue - use the phone and drive. If I had a 'girl problem' affecting our sex life - not only would he expect me to seek to fix it - I would initiate getting help because I would want to give the best in my relationship.

There were times when I was screaming for help inside. I knew I needed to go to the doctor, but I was terrified to do so. I needed someone to make that call for me. I begged for my husband to make the call. I don't know why I found the prospect of making a simple phone call so terrifying, but it was. It wasn't that I was not accepting the fact that I was bipolar and had trouble with anxiety it was just an irrational fear that neither I nor anyone else could understand. I also know that having someone make the call would have made me feel so much more supported like it was a sign that they were really there for me. In the end I made the call and by doing this to this day still feel very alone.

On the flip side there are people who really need to make that call themselves for many reasons including symbolic ones of acceptance.

The fact that he knows he should go is a good sign that he accepts that he needs help. I'm not trying to say that you should call for him. You need to gauge what is the best decision in your situation. I know it took me a long time to make the call because of my fear. He just may need a little help getting there.

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luvsbikes said:
My perspective: If he had a cardiac issue and couldn't get to the phone - of course I'd call and take him.

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Hi, luvsbikes. Your situation and mine are remarkably similar, including the internet affairs and compulsive, damaging behaviour. My wife was recently diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. My situation reached crisis levels in the last three months (click here for my thread with all the details), but after hospitalization and new medication I think my wife has finally come out the other side of her tunnel.

For me, the decision to stay with her came down to this: Is my bipolar partner willing to do everything possible to work towards getting healthy? Using your 'cardiac issue' example, when a person is having a heart attack, they can't be expected to drive themselves to the hospital. But when he's outside of danger and able to act for himself, is he doing what it takes to get better?

Only you can answer that for yourself. If he's not willing - if he delays or resists medication and treatment or denies being ill, and in doing so deliberately and knowingly puts you at risk of physical or emotional harm - then he is truly on the same level as an abusive husband. And if you're being abused, you should leave.

You said in a post, met only with defensiveness, denial, arguementativeness, hostility, aggression, and everything is turned around on me/my fault, no 'I'm sorries' after the abusive facts, and I am only told to leave. ...and there is no talking about it when the plateau comes BECUZ 'it didn't happen that way' - enter denial and defensiveness.

That's really bad. Believe me, I empathize. In my situation, it took a long time for me to come to the realization that love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. Without trust, honesty, sharing and, maybe most importantly, hope for a better future, you shouldn't allow youself to be abused and allow your identity to be eroded away, month after month, until nothing is left... all for the sake of love alone.

How much are you willing to do to try to make him understand he needs help? I had to move heaven and earth until my wife finally understood that... and it got much, much worse before it finally got better.

Are you married? Any children?

There are too many good posts to quote everyone.... and I honestly feel like i just keep repeating myself - BUT - ....

My wife is bipolar. We have been together for 2 years now. I honestly had no clue she was until shortly after we got married and she wouldn't let me near her for almost 2 months. I couldn't figure out what was going on, and to be honest when you are newly married you want to be in that 'honeymoon' stage for a long time - we never had one.

Since then I have been cheated on, abused financially, verbally, and physically. I've been kicked out of the house and told not to come back, and then shorlty after begged to come back home.

The sex is just sex - there's no emotion involved from her, and among her 'extra-marital' relationships i guess I can't say there's much from myself.

At this moment I am running on nothing - my job (which I dearly love) is about the only thing I have that keeps me going in any way of hopes or rewards.

BUT - I can't bring myself to leave her in HOPES that my continued efforts at getting her to therapy and on some meds will somehow bring back the person I met and married.

However - love IS NOT enough. I can't trust her anymore. I can't bring myself to find enough energy or emotion to invest right now in hopes that things will just 'get better.'

I am a distant second to everything else in her life - but she expects me to love her and treat her like she is the love of my life when I know I will get nothing in return.

I am not trying to dash your hopes or dreams. I am not trying to tell you no, and I am definately not telling you yes. I am just trying to paint a picture of my experience for you. Your will MOST LIKELY not be like this - but i am sure if you have been visiting this site long enough you have armed yourself with enough information to make a decently educated decision. Marriage is not something to enter into lightly, and LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.

Just a response relative to my situation being married to someone bipolar. Hindsight really is 20/20...some of the characteristics that drew me to him I now see as part of his mania. I always thought he was so "passionate" (not romantically but enthusiastic about certain issues). Looking back, I see obsession, anger management issues, depression and psychosis. I remember seeing "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" with Richard Dreyfus where he gets totally obsessed with the volcano looking thing, making it out of his mashed potatoes and then out of clay. My husband became obsessed with metatron's cube and was drawing it on the wall everywhere over and over.....that's not normal but I accepted it. Six months ago when he was picked up by the police for thinking he saw his father at the gas station, freaking everyone there out and telling the police he was "Ya'd Hay Va'd Hay" and we found him in the emergency room was pretty bad. That's when they diagnosed him with bipolar instead of just regular depression. Our family has been stressed out, my kids see too much, the burden of keeping a roof over our heads is all mine along with the housework and dealing with anything unpleasant because he just can't handle it. He's left me 3 times but his parents won't help him so he comes back. The good news is that he found a doctor that is trying to help him and actually saved his life by putting him into inpatient when he was so majorly depressed a couple of years ago. He is willing to try medications to get it right. He hasn't cheated on me and trys so hard to keep a job. It's a roller coaster ride that can really suck at times. We love each other but honestly, I don't know if we would still be together if it wasn't for our daughter who just turned 8. I hope to learn more from this site, ways to cope, what to look out for, etc.
Good luck to you and everyone who has to deal with this disease.

my partner is very very supportive. He has found out everything he can about bipolar so he can help me through the tough times and it does help that he knows so much about it. He knows exactly what to do and say and he doesnt get offended when i need to be on my own. I'm scared he will get fed up with my behaviour and leave me. If i was him i would leave me. I'm not violent or angry when i'm ill but i get extreme sadness. How can he put up with me?

I am bipolar. i have a lovely partner who is very supportive but i'm scared he'll get fed up and leave me. i'm not violent or angry when i'm ill but i get extreme sadness and its not very pleasant for him. i feel guilty for being a burden.

I'm new here as well and couldn't help but post in answer to you questions. You said you recently moved in with him. Whenever there are routine changes for someone with Bipolar there is a chance that could trigger and episode. Have you also thought that if he didn't have Bipolar that he may have been upset as well? And as a result of his illness the reaction was magnified? There is some great info on this site that may help you. I just read a blog from the Bipolar Beat that is part of this site. Check it out and see if there is anything else that might help.