[dueNorth]

Think I have pretty much ran through the whole cycle thing today at least twice. Then had a panic attack out of no where, and now I am having a great difficulty in even justifying my own existence. Being retrospective most of the day and looking at has happened, what is happening and the future, it is extremely hard to swallow.

There is a part of me that want's to just give up the fight, but another part that will not permit me to do so. But then again, guess it does not matter. I could just disappear and no one would be the wiser, and probably better off since they would not have to 'worry' or 'put up' with me.

I'm looking for the life ring, and none is being thrown to help....

apparently I can't get into that here either.. shrugs... story of my life

[reddevil]

I'm sorry that you feel that way.

You are not worthless, and people would notice that you are gone.

The future is still under your control, and it may yet surprise you with what it brings, and what improvements you are able to make.

[bizi]

please vent here...you may get into what ever you need to get into here....
I jsut read some of your history...you are dealing with a lot of changes.
I am sorry that it is so hard right now for you.
remeber that it really does take baby steps to get better.
all we have is the day, today...try not to worry about the past it is gone.
the future is unknown.
If you ahve someone special in your life...tell them today that they matter.
You matter.
Your children would be devistated if you left them.
they need you in their lives....you matter!
I wish I could give you a hug as you could use one.
((((((HUG))))))
bizi

[dueNorth]

Thanks for the feed back, I realize I am not the only one to have what is going on and to be bipolar at the same time. When looking at my past, I can pin point when I would 'flip' modes, and trying to get them down on paper, if for nothing else to show to some one that may help with my disability claim.

But I have always been a problem solver for as long as I remember, so I look back trying to determine what in the world went wrong so that I might be able to fix it. I have said this to my therapist a few times, and I always get the some response 'it's a medical condition' like any other. I realize it is a possible inheritable trait, my mother was depressed for many years, then have great 'spurts' of activity then back to the depression. She only got help for it towards the end of her life, and I am both terrified of being the same, and determined not to be.

but the harder I struggle and fight, the worse everything seems to be. And when I don't struggle and fight things, everthing seems to fall apart even more. So it's kind of a damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I am always asked if I had thought of hurting myself or worse committing suicide, and I alway reply that is not my style, what ever it is in me, I can't just give up. Though some times, when I go to bed at night, in the early hours of the morning, the though of not waking up does seems kinda nice. Cause the morning will only bring more of the same. Ya know? But I get up and try again and again.

I used to be a system admin and a programmer and I can't really handle the stress of it any more. I get panic attacks that I swear I am going to die, which of course just feeds it. So I take a pill to bring me down, but then that pill some times takes me down to low. And while I can't work, I still try to do at least something on the computer. But I have issues, cause my brain will not focus long enough on one project at once. I maybe writing code for an hour and then look at what I just wrote, and realize I was also writting code for a couple of other software projects. Which of course explains why the code is throwing errors and not working.

But out of all of this, I find I have become creative in another area, which I would have never thought would be possible. I would some times write a couple of pages on how I was feeling or what ever and put it in a story form. A friend had asked what I was writting and she said she wanted to see what I wrong. So I sent it to her. She thought it was really good, that I was able to describe in words that would allow her to picture what my 'character' was thinking, doing , ect. And she said I should at some point, put my short stories together and publish it. Not sure at this point if what she was saying was to cheer me up and give me hope or if she actually meant what she said.

Which is another problem, I don't really have that 'trust' of the human race that I guess that I should.

Bah I'm rambling sorry.

[bizi]

Have you been working with a pdoc awhile...how are your meds?

You do write well so am not surprised that she liked reading your writings. A book is a great idea!

I am not sure what you mean about fighting?
making it worse? do you mean fighting for your rights....?

I do believe there is an inherited aspect to being bipolar...but I also believe how we learn to handle our lives gives us the power to control our symptoms.I think that there are many different genes that are involved...other things like adhd, depression, alcoholism that run together as well...like it is gray not black and white.
I have learned that I have to keep my stress level down or I get really out of wack...so as long as I stick to my routine...I do pretty well. When ever I go on vacation...visit the folks twice a year..it always sets me off...and I have to take more medication to stay even...but when I get back home I go back to "normal".

Just wanted to let you know that I was reading and will follow your posts.
bizi

[dueNorth]

My meds are okay I guess, not sure cause while I do take them I don't really like to. But then seem to keep me more `level` most of the time. I am on three different medications, 1 that I take at night to help me sleep and to help my depression. Another I take when I go into a panic attack ( and there are currently alot of things that set me off.) I also take pain meds for my shoulder and my lower back/hips.

I had back surgery a few years ago for a ruptured disk or something that like. Lost most of my feeling in the left foot/leg. And that gets me depressed, there are times I bend over that I can't straighten again, other times esp when I go to bed it feels like some one has been beating me with a 2x4 just above the belt. And that leads to my legs violently jerking enough to kick the cats off the bed. And my left shoulder causes my arm to either fall asleep at the drop of a hat, which is not good if I am carrying something.

I used to drink quite alot a few years ago, but haven't hardly drank anything in the last 6 years. Maybe once in a while, but not sense I have started taking meds a year ago. I do not dare at the moment, I fully realized that would be the worst thing I could do, I believe I would give going postal a whole new meaning.

When I mentioned the `fighting` was more referring to fighting myself, trying to bring myself up or down depending. Fighting to keep my utilities going, I think the State purposely gives just enouhg money to make it look like they are doing good, but not enough to keep all of the utilities on. Currently my son and I have been with out gas for roughly 2 months. My power has been turned off two times, ect. Fighting trying to get the help I need, and fighting myself over all of that as in 'why can't I handle this? and keep things on'

I can't get a job, especially doing what I normally would do. My lawyer has told me that a company would have to spend to much just to get my equipment right for my should and back. I can't do manual labor mostly, and crowds or a lot of people just are too much.

I don't have any friends, maybe one my x business partner but even that is ify. One of those 'call me if you need to ' but you can see in the eyes, please don't cause your just to much to handle at times. ect ect ectt

My pdoc says I have set standards for myself higher for myself, then I do for other people. And that works to my disadvantage and just adds to my problems. For instance, I was helping my x-business partner for a week so he could have a vacation. He had given me his gas card to do his pick up and delievers, I used just enough gas money to do the job, but did not 'fill up my tank' to make sure I had the gas. (That was one example my pDoc threw back at me)

ar any rate, rambling again sorry.

and thanks for reading bizi

[bizi]

hi there,
couple of things,
what mood stabilizer do you take?
I take lamictal, it helps with depression and I take it at night too.I used to take ambien sleeping pill but became afraid of it so now I take slow magnesium, which helps relax your muscles.
I also take a small dose of geodon at night...even though I am not manic right now...my pdoc believes I should take this as sort of insurance...I am bipolar 1 so I tend to run high instead of low.
I wonder if you might find working at home a better option for you?
Have you arranged your own office and chair to your body requirements? like egonomics!
You could be a computer consultant....

I am very sorry that you are having continued back pain, issues.
Did you have an accident?
My neice now has a herniated disk from cheerleading....she is only 16.

I know that it is hard making new friends when we get older...even harder if you have limited abilities....Forums are a great place to meet new people.
I post at the sister forum neurotalk...I am bizi there as well.
I hope you sleep thru the night.
bizi

[dueNorth]

I take mirtazapine at night, I think that is supposed to help stabilize, they put me right out usually, I do not have a clue what is going on most of the time after I do fall asleep. Though when I run out, I am back to the same schedule of waking up after 2 hours of falling asleep. They started me on something recently to help my panic attacks. I can't remember what they are called but they are like volumn(sp) can't spell it sorry, but think you get what I am trying to spell. When I take one of those I am not worth anything for at least 6 hours or more. The doc wanted me to take them every day, but with an 18 year old in the house yet that would steal me blind if I was out like that all day, would not work.

I was working at home for the last couple of years, and I was not using the typical chair and desk setup, because of my back. I had found a deal on a chair, that had full body massage and heat. Made my monitor swing able and keyboard. The chair cost me a pretty penny, around 2,000, but it was well worth the cost. At any rate, towards the end it started to hurt my back, and I needed to sit in something else for a while. So I changed chairs and desk for maybe a month.

It was then my wife left me , cause she said she could not take it any more, said I was worst then death to live with. And her son, my stepson, stayed with me. And he started to sit in my chair, which after a month he completely ruined it. The back is bent and can not be fixed.

So now i sit, get up do something , repeat .

As for my back it was a long process of screwing that up. But the final hammer was when I was running in the woods to get to my son, he had fallen or something and broke his collar bone. I jumped a fallen tree, and did not know there was a deep depression on the other side. When I hit I felt pain but didn't think to much of it. Just shoved it back and helped my son out of the woods to the now arriving medics. That night, I was laying on the couch in tears, my left hip and leg was hurting very badly. Which suprised me because I have a high threshold for pain. And I had lost 1/2 the feeling in my foot.

Went into the ER, they gave me pain meds, and then seen a back specialist the morning after. 2 Days later, I was in surgery. Said I had blown one of the disks just about the tail bone or something like that. Took 3 hours I guess, the doc told me that the x-ray did not show the other 3 globs that were there from previous times. He said he wondered how I was able to walk and or function with those cause they had been there for a few years. And I told him then, that I had a pretty high threshold for pain.

Any ways now, while I do not have the pain I had before, it is constant. and on a scale of 1 to 10 it's about 6 on a good day. Bare able as long as I am taking pain meds, and it is on both sides now. And I know I am slowly losing feeling below the belt. I can't most times feel my phone vibrate when a call comes in.

Any who, I was doing web design work. The company me and my business partner started was starting to take off, there was more business then I could handle on my own. I did the servers and the code and he created the graphics. But when the wife left and I took another major dive, he grabbed money out of the business account, said he was looking for another job, ect, ect.

Now when I try to work, on any project, it is like I am one of the keyboard ( like one key off of home row when typing), can't keep my thoughts focused on a project long enough. And while I was extremely picky on how things worked and looked before, I am far worse now. I suppose I am trying to control things to much, cause everything else is out of control. But I can't help being that way.

But I have been looking for something else to do from home, just haven;t found anything that hasn't turned out to be a ripe off of some sort.

[bizi]

Remeron:
some side effects include some of what you have been mentioning.
It is not a mood stabilizer but an antidepressant....perhaps a mood stabilizer would help? Have you ever tried that before?
With a diagnosis of bipolar I am surprised that you are not on one.
Oh that must have been so hard to find your chair ruined....maybe you could find on one-bay or craigs list or other site? I have heard of a free site where you list stuff...will try to find that link for you.

Remeron:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Mirtazapine may cause some people to be agitated, irritable, or display other abnormal behaviors. It may also cause some people to have suicidal thoughts and tendencies or to become more depressed. If you, your child, or your caregiver notice any of these side effects, tell your doctor or your child's doctor right away .

This medicine may add to the effects of alcohol and other CNS depressants (medicines that make you drowsy or less alert). Some examples of CNS depressants are antihistamines or medicine for hay fever, other allergies, or colds; sedatives, tranquilizers, or sleeping medicine; prescription pain medicine or narcotics; barbiturates; medicine for seizures; muscle relaxants; or anesthetics, including some dental anesthetics. Check with your doctor before taking any of the above while you are taking this medicine.

Check with your doctor immediately if you develop fever, chills, sore throat, or sores in the mouth. These may be signs of a very serious blood problem that has occurred rarely in patients taking mirtazapine.

Mirtazapine may cause drowsiness or trouble in thinking. Make sure you know how you react to this medicine before you drive, use machines, or do other jobs that require you to be alert and clearheaded.

Dizziness, light-headedness, or fainting may occur, especially when you get up from a lying or sitting position. Getting up slowly may help. If this problem continues or gets worse, check with your doctor.

This medicine may cause dryness of the mouth. For temporary relief, use sugarless gum or candy, melt bits of ice in your mouth, or use a saliva substitute. However, if your mouth feels dry for more than 2 weeks, check with your medical doctor or dentist. Continuing dryness of the mouth may increase the chance of dental disease, including tooth decay, gum disease, and fungus infections.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
bizi

[dueNorth]

Thanks for the reply and the link when you find it.

Since I am unable to work, I am currently only getting 401 a month from the state, which is extremely rough trying to keep the utilities on, not sure if I have mentioned before, but we have been with out gas for about 2 months now. And today when I went to leave for my appointment with my therapist, I noticed my speed-ometer is not working, so I don't have a clue there. I had to cancel my appointment. Thankfully she called me on the phone.

yeah I have to go through the V.A. for everything, meds, therapist, ect. Only way I can get help. I see one that prescribes the medications, and another that I talk to every week and yet another for my back. The pdoc that I see weekly had just changed not to long ago, the one before said bipolar, the one I see for the scripts says recurring major depression, high anxiety. Why I haven't been prescribed a stablizer I don't have a clue. The one I take for my anxiety attacks, I think is but it drags me down so far I find it literally hard to move and stay awake.

My old doc, the weekly one, would just sit there and put his head in his hands and shake it back and forth and look at me in an odd way. I could tell that I would tire him out as I talked, alot of times during the session, I would run the complete spectrum of things, and talking faster and faster as I went from subject to subject. I'd be exhausted as well to tell you the truth. The new doc, does not do that, but I can't talk to her like I did the other, and I realize I need to , but after years and years of dealing with this on my own, I have learned to watch what I say.

An example , I had mentioned I could see how people in my position and condition could get to the point of just going off and shooting who ever was in their sites at the time. Now while I realized I was trying to explain how I felt and what I was feeling, she took it as if I was going to do exactly that "so you want to kill people" she said in response. Then I lost my temper and told her not to put worlds or thoughts into my head.

I swear I can't win for losing, all my docs say I need to be on disability, social security docs say I need to be on disability, but I still fight to just get a hearing for disability, mean while everyone from the IRS on down is screaming at me for money, and and and and and... bah

any ways, I ranted and raved when I didn't intend to do so, sorry. But not going to erase it dang it all. I've got to allow it to escape some where, else I will end up either hurting myself or someone else I think.

Anyways, I'll see if I can remember the other meds they have me on after I lay down, I'm exhausted now.

[bizi]

http://www.freecycle.org/

The Freecycle Network (often abbreviated TFN or just known as Freecycle) is a non-profit organization registered in the state of Arizona, USA, and separately registered as a UK charity,[1] that organizes a worldwide network of "gifting" groups, aiming to divert reusable goods from landfill. It provides a worldwide online registry, and coordinates the creation of local groups and forums for individuals and non-profits to offer and receive free items for reuse or recycling, promoting gift economics as a motivating cultural outlook. "Changing the world one gift at a time" is The Freecycle Network's official tagline.

[bizi]

I am sorry...
please jsut post when you feel like it.
I don't want to stress you out.
sorry if I have.
bizi

[dueNorth]

No you haven't stressed me out bizi, I was already there by the time I went to reply. Yesterday was one of those days. While I may not be 'normal' by the rest of the world standards, if I get a little stress, which you didn't , from those that are helping, I'll take it. Ya know?

[bizi]

I hope you have a better day.
(((HUGS))))
bizi

[dueNorth]

It's not going to bad, kinda of in an indifferent mood and kinda creative. Just got done with a 2 hour walk and picture taking expedition.

[bizi]

that sounds very nice!
I am heading to the beach with hubby tomorrow...going to pensecola florida...call me crazy...could not cancel soo....fay here we come!
must go check out the weather channel to see what she is doing!
bizi