[dueNorth]

The last couple of days have been really rough, yesterday when I woke up it rained all morning, which probably did not help my mood any. Had some many things rushing through my head it was hard to do any thing, which more or less put me in to a semi-panic mode. I could not even seem to get to these forums, kept on timing out on me, and that did not help matters either.

I was feeling really trapped, like there was no way out or no end in sight. It was really distressing. Not sure if I am going to be able to make it to my next session this week, my truck is down for the count (breaks went bad) and do not have the money to even come close to get it fixed. I just hope the V.A. provides transportation.

I know it is this illness or what ever you want to call it. In the past, I would just bury myself in my work, but can't work any more, which in a way just leads to another endless cycle of causes and effects. Then late last night, as I was starting to drift off to sleep finally, I had an odd thought, which kept me up longer still yet.

So now with everything else that is flying around my head, I have this `wonder if I could find sponsors and backers, so I could either bike around the state or across the u.s. raising money to help people that are in the same situation as I am`, Then wondering if I could even pull it off even if I did. Then the thought off people going 'if you could do that, you should be able to work' , so around and around it goes. I had my case worker at DHS tell me, you seem like an highly intelligent person, you should just be able to work through all this and go to work. And I agree'd with her, then went on a rant that the more I tried to explain, the faster I started to talk, and then started jumping subjects to fast for her to follow, until I was visibility shaking in the chair.

When will it stop ? Probably only after I am 6 feet under I suppose (no don't go there, offing myself is not my style, guess I am a glutton for punishment.) Bah.. another rant, sorry I get started some times and it's off to the races.

[ladygnomes]

Thats one thing about bi polar, I tend to want to do things ligit right out of the blue, or did...Sometimes I have my moments, and sometimes I even try to do these positive things, but i never continue to keep doing them, some of things that I try and do. I also had a hard time with working, I got really irritated with all the jobs I've had, and I had my episodes is what I'll call them, I always quit cause I couldn't handle it. I too like you, get very panicky when I wake up sometimes, and it happens more when I wake up then during the day, i shake, my heart is racing, my mind..and I know it's time to take my medicine which I take xanax for this problem. I don't think things like this just "go away" this is something you're going to live with the rest of your life, it's how you deal with your life in a optimistic way..it seemed impossible for me to do, I know you're going to think easier said then done, I've been there hun, and it aint no walk in the park, but with the right doctor, and the right medicine, and working on my life rather then working on finding a job just for money and a job I did not like at all, when I got to feeling better, I decided to go to college for computers which I do enjoy and it's always been one of my "escapes". When I had break downs, I had to go to my doc right away, I have a very good one, some people have not so good ones, I'm not going to tell you to go on this medicine cause it's better, or do this that and the other thing like some people do, cause everything works better for some then others. The only thing I can say is you're not alone, and there have been times my bi polar medicine is pretty pricey after paying our bills, getting food to last us awhile, I don't have much money for this medicine and sometimes we go broke from it, but hey I need it. If you ever just want to talk or something, just hit me up on yahoo joutlaw925. I'm sorry you're going through this..do you have a pill thats for panic attacks you can take to calm you down? Are you taking something for Bi polar?

[dueNorth]

I am on three medications, one to help with my `depression` , one to help with my panic attacks, and one to help with pain (bad back and shoulder)

They have me on Clonazepam for my panic attacks, and it takes me right down for the count. First time I took it, it brought me down, but then it kept on taking me down and I was almost in a panic from that. I had to try to take a walk to 'walk it off' but every step took such effort it scared me more then anything. When I got back home , I could only walk a block, I slept for I don't how long. Not sure if that is the effect it is supposed to have, or to that extent. The next time I had to take it, I cut one in half, which while does not completely do away with the panic, or take me down that far, it does take the edge off.

I see 2 doctors for this, one that prescribes the meds and one I talk to every week. The one that prescribes the meds, only sees me once a month, but usually once every 3 months. He puts me at manic reoccurring depression and mild to sever anxiety attacks. And the last time I saw him, he said he may have to send me to a dietitian cause of all the weight I have lost. I went from about 150 down to maybe 110 now. I get hungery, but after a few bites it no longer tastes good, if I remember to eat. So I am guessing, like it has happened before, he will threaten to put me in the hospital to put weight back on me.

The doc I see every week, does not believe in medication she says. She is new, a young lass , the one before her, would just sit there with his head in his hands and shake it back and forth. And he said the same as the one that prescribes the meds plus bipolar. Shrugs, drives me nuts,

Anyways I'm raven49783 on yahoo. add me if you want

[sinkingfast]

I can only ask if you have family support. I don't know what I would do without my family. But I know not all people are fortunate to have family close by. I am so new to this but I can certainly empathise. It has taken years for my family to come to reality, but when my husband went to the doc with me he finally understood. It's so sad this is nothing any of us ask for and a stigma is attached, but yet people drink and do drugs and they get all the sympathy and time off from work and some employers even pay for rehab. There should be a way to get some attention for this disease. There are a lot of ads on tv for meds for anxiety and stress which has broken the ice for that GAD. Keep your chin up. I find it helps to write my thoughts down.

[dueNorth]

well my wife left me last year, said that I was like living with slow death. Though to his credit, her son, my step son, opted to stay with me to make sure I was alright. But he has touretts and is 18 so a lot of times I wonder if he helps more then hurts.

My Dad lives about 20 minutes away, and do not see or talk with him to much, my brother lives and hour away and about the same. I may see them maybe once a month if lucky. Dad I think understands, cause of ma, think she had the same thing before she passed away. My brother I am not so sure, he tries to light a fire under me, but he does not get it alot of times I don't think.

So usually, it is just myself to deal with things, and frankly it's %#@&#! hard and seems at least lately to be getting harder by the day. I don't believe I am taking the right meds, but I'm fighting with V.A. doctors on that. Which is the only way I get any help.

Logically I guess I know things will work out, but emotionally and the what not it does not appear to be so. Every day is a struggle and fight to find a reason to keep on fighting and not just give in. It would not suprise me before it's all said and done, I'll be living on the street some where.

sigh - sorry I rambled again, have a tendency to do that. Some times you just need to tell me to shut the *&() up eh

[bizi]

due north,
YOu get to ramble, rant, vent, what ever!
This is a safe place to do just that.
It doesn't sound like you have too many folks in your corner batting fo ryou....I am glad that you can come here.
I am hoping that you can talk the va into letting you try some other meds if they might help you better.
bizi

[Schatje]

Rant all you want. You are going through a really rough time right now. Can I be peeved for you that your ex made the comment of living with slow death. :th_rant9cs:

[bizi]

:I-Agree:
life is hard enough...to not have supportive people around is awful!
bizi

[agony007]

duenorth,

i am so sorry you are going through all of this. i agree with the previous posters, rant all you want, thats what this website is for! your ex-wife's comment was terrible. she obviously was not going to be supportive to you through these tough times. i too hope the VA can look into your case and possibly make adjustments to your meds so you can begin to feel better. sometimes the meds we are given aren't the right ones for us and we have to try other combinations until we find one that works. at one point i was on 7 meds! now i am just on one and i have to tell you, it works for me. it works better for me than when i was on seven! so you just have to find what works for you, i hope that they do that soon.

agony

[dueNorth]

Thanks all, it has been a real roller coaster ride.

While I can understand it 'logically' that does not help matters any at all. I do not know which is worse the mood changes and sense of it's all completely hopeless or the panic attacks.

There have been many times I have just wanted to beat my head against the wall. Just to give me a valid reason for it all, i.e. to justify this. Other times, will I do not believe in fighting, I wish I could get into one just to release. Shrugs for all I know I will end up in a padded room before I can regain control. But the harder I fight to keep control, the worse it gets. And if I don't it just continues, a never ending loop with out beginning and with out end.

And then I wonder how I was able to maintain for so many years like I did. I did have another real bad period, though not as bad as this. But the docs I was seeing then didn't have a clue, and I was eventually able to regain control of things. Or so I thought, had a chance to talk with some one I used to work with long ago. And they told me that I was not the most sane person out there. Turns out he was bipolar as well, but never even mentioned or said anything to me. Or maybe he did, and I just disregarded it.

Which was probably what I did, being an x marine, we were trained to maintain, adapt and over come. That has never left me, that training, I just can't maintain and adapt any longer. I'm thinking if the docs back then made the correct diagnoses I would be far better off then I am now.

Don't know, just don't know.

[bizi]

I wondered if you ever served in war time?
alot of folks have come back with PTSD of their experiences over seas.
I was in the air force and air national guard, the military is a very different way of life...I could not handle it and got out.
I am glad that you connected with someone in your real life...being isolated is just terrible.
Perhaps there is a drop in center that you could go to get some support.
Here in louisiana there are support groups called bridges run thru the NAMI association...you may something like that there.
I wish it was easier for you...still think your meds are not right.
I am sorry it is so hard.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[dueNorth]

I did not serve during war time, though I have watch enough aircraft crash and burn. One no more then 50 yards from me. I still dream about that. Though I have been in plenty of bar fights and had quite a few pool cues snapped over my head. Think I really upset some people while in lol, though I will say the pool cue over the head never put me down, just got me upset.

[bizi]

Do you think your meds are helping you?
bizi

[dueNorth]

They help to some degree but not completely. Or not how I am thinking they should be. The meds I take a night helps with depression, and I think help a little during the day. But I can get extemely depressed doing the day, usually after a panic attack or a bad one