[El-ahrairah]

I duno maybe I am just a self destructive person so by nature I think this, but at times I almost want to die so I can make those who I feel don't care enough feel bad for not appreciating me.

It's messed up and horribly selfish I know, but I can't help but feel sometimes that that is what it would take to get some acknowledgment and appreciation....

I'm not gonna kill myself don't worry, I'm just making a statement that has been bugging me a while now...

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by The Bakery

I duno maybe I am just a self destructive person so by nature I think this, but at times I almost want to die so I can make those who I feel don't care enough feel bad for not appreciating me.

I can remember thinking that in high school. That was a long time ago! Anyway, it would not work. All it would accomplish would be that you would be dead!

But then, you know this already.

[ECHOES]

I think this says important things about how you feel and what you want.

You want to feel that you are seen.
You want to feel that you are heard.
You want to matter.

Those are not selfish things at all. They are about your 'self', about wanting to have that 'self' loved, respected, and cared about. It is so healthy to want.

The fantasy that others would suffer with the realization of how much they care about you is created by you as a way of saying to yourself just how much you want these people to care about you and how much it hurts that they don't seem to. What if they do? What if they do but there is something getting in the way of your feeling it or being able to hold onto that feeling. Something in the way they interact with you, or expectations that have that don't match yours.

This kind of fantasy is also a not so obvious revenge fantasy. The revenge for not caring is to take yourself away. Do you currently take yourself away in other ways? I think I do that, and I think it has the same revenge kind of motivation for me. I isolate, avoid social things or attend with lack of presence, etc.

An interesting thought, The Bakery. Will you explore this more in therapy?

[Perna]

Some non-noticers/appreciators are the ones with the problem; they mislay their nose, nevermind other people!

My husband was an executive at a business and a secretary quit and one of her complaints was that he never said hello to her, never smiled or greeted her. She did not work for/with him at all, he just walked past where she was sitting occasionally but he never "saw" her at all. When he was told she had quit and had mentioned him, he had no idea who she was even!

I think if we want to be noticed by certain people, we sometimes have to jump up and down in front of them and see what happens. They could just be people who don't "see" very much. I can arrange an entire surprise party for my husband, with him in the same room and he'll be surprised.

[pegasus]

It does seem to me that such nice things are said about people who have died. Doesn't ever mention all the bad points about you. Quite often wonder what, if anything would be said about me but then I wouldn't ever find out because I'd be dead anyway.

I do think we could all make a more concerted effort to appreciate each other when we are alive.

[sewsweetie28]

I understand what u r saying, I think most people have thought this but have never said it out loud. i know I have thought this, and its not that we want to die or are going to try to kill ourselves, we just wonder what it would take for some people to realize who we are to them.

[El-ahrairah]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I think this says important things about how you feel and what you want.

You want to feel that you are seen.
You want to feel that you are heard.
You want to matter.

Those are not selfish things at all. They are about your 'self', about wanting to have that 'self' loved, respected, and cared about. It is so healthy to want.

The fantasy that others would suffer with the realization of how much they care about you is created by you as a way of saying to yourself just how much you want these people to care about you and how much it hurts that they don't seem to. What if they do? What if they do but there is something getting in the way of your feeling it or being able to hold onto that feeling. Something in the way they interact with you, or expectations that have that don't match yours.

This kind of fantasy is also a not so obvious revenge fantasy. The revenge for not caring is to take yourself away. Do you currently take yourself away in other ways? I think I do that, and I think it has the same revenge kind of motivation for me. I isolate, avoid social things or attend with lack of presence, etc.

An interesting thought, The Bakery. Will you explore this more in therapy?

I can't afford to see a therapist, so I often rely on myself or calling my bf hoping he would take my mind off it.... I can't talk to him about these things im too scared how he will react. He said he doesn't want a crazy gf lol... so I dont pretend I just never go deep, he knows I have some issues though, just not beneath the ice...

Anyways, yes I want to matter, all my life I've hated people because I felt like they never gave me a chance and I was always put down in life, but recently I've been very up in spirits, I have no friends, only my bf and alot of the time I feel like I don't matter to him. He kind of ignores me on the phone when I talk about things that interest me... I like things he doesnt like, like my dog and animals, I like to small talk about nothing.

But I listen to him and everything he says, even if im not interested... even when its about his exes or something dumb like that XnX

I just feel so replaceable and unimportant, I know I matter to my bf, but there are moments when I feel belittled.
I have been put down and ignored my whole life, I can't handle that from someone I care for, it drains me, maybe I should mention it next time it happens.... I am great at talking here but in real life I'm a mute when it comes to hope I feel and I'm a little door mat.

[El-ahrairah]

Originally Posted by Perna

Some non-noticers/appreciators are the ones with the problem; they mislay their nose, nevermind other people!

My husband was an executive at a business and a secretary quit and one of her complaints was that he never said hello to her, never smiled or greeted her. She did not work for/with him at all, he just walked past where she was sitting occasionally but he never "saw" her at all. When he was told she had quit and had mentioned him, he had no idea who she was even!

I think if we want to be noticed by certain people, we sometimes have to jump up and down in front of them and see what happens. They could just be people who don't "see" very much. I can arrange an entire surprise party for my husband, with him in the same room and he'll be surprised.

awwe lol, maybe it is other's fault. Maybe I should do more to be noticed too... All my potential careers I wish to pursue have to do with helping people :3

[El-ahrairah]

Originally Posted by pegasus

It does seem to me that such nice things are said about people who have died. Doesn't ever mention all the bad points about you. Quite often wonder what, if anything would be said about me but then I wouldn't ever find out because I'd be dead anyway.

I do think we could all make a more concerted effort to appreciate each other when we are alive.

It's true lol like with Micheal Jackson, RIP, all these people who only probably heard thriller, claimed they loved him so much after he died, and no one accused him of the little boy thing after that.... -___-

I think so too tho, then everyone can feel special

[El-ahrairah]

Originally Posted by sewsweetie28

I understand what u r saying, I think most people have thought this but have never said it out loud. i know I have thought this, and its not that we want to die or are going to try to kill ourselves, we just wonder what it would take for some people to realize who we are to them.

Yea exactly.. ;c <333

I wouldn't say "important". But I do feel that only certain things would happen if I died or at least disappeared. For instance, when I was out on the street..literally because of family drama. I wished that I would have died that night because my mother would have had to live with that forever. I'm not religious yet I was begging something out there to take me. I wasn't suicidal..suicide isn't the same. My mother is so warped that if I had killed myself, she would somehow take pride in that because it meant I was mentally ill and everyone would comfort her instead and she'd be "important". If I was murdered or had a heart attack or something brutal, that is what would have made her change. I don't want to get into more details than that but I know that is what it would have taken especially that night.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by The Bakery

I duno maybe I am just a self destructive person so by nature I think this, but at times I almost want to die so I can make those who I feel don't care enough feel bad for not appreciating me.

It's messed up and horribly selfish I know, but I can't help but feel sometimes that that is what it would take to get some acknowledgment and appreciation....

I'm not gonna kill myself don't worry, I'm just making a statement that has been bugging me a while now...

yes i feel this way all the time

[Cthomas]

Good Post.....
Lately I do feel like this, although I would never act on it.

But yes, I feel that Im not important enough to the people around me.

C

[El-ahrairah]

Originally Posted by Cthomas

Good Post.....
Lately I do feel like this, although I would never act on it.

But yes, I feel that Im not important enough to the people around me.

C

It sucks ;c and then a lot of the time I fantasize about really bad things happening to me and wonder how others would react....

[Cthomas]

Originally Posted by The Bakery

It sucks ;c and then a lot of the time I fantasize about really bad things happening to me and wonder how others would react....

You know I do that same thing. Sometimes it helps me get through rough times. other times not so much.

Ive had a lot of suicidal thoughts lately. I wont act on it, but theyre there......

C

[El-ahrairah]

Originally Posted by Cthomas

You know I do that same thing. Sometimes it helps me get through rough times. other times not so much.

Ive had a lot of suicidal thoughts lately. I wont act on it, but theyre there......

C

Oh wow. So have I, i hope you feel better

[Cthomas]

Originally Posted by The Bakery

Oh wow. So have I, i hope you feel better

Thanks, I hope you do too!!

C

[El-ahrairah]

thank you :3

[RunsforFun]

Wow. I just stumbled upon this site about 15 minutes ago and already feel relief at finding people who feel like me! I think about this kind of stuff all the time! And obvi my friends are so sick of listening to me talk about the same problems over and over and over...I think even my therapist is sick of listening to me!

Anyways, it's nice to feel I belong somewhere...and regarding this post specifically, those are really beautiful and supportive words, especially ECHOES and Perna. It helps to look at situations from a different angle...something I am terrible at remembering to do on my own.

I hope you're feeling better, The Bakery.

[El-ahrairah]

Originally Posted by RunsforFun

Wow. I just stumbled upon this site about 15 minutes ago and already feel relief at finding people who feel like me! I think about this kind of stuff all the time! And obvi my friends are so sick of listening to me talk about the same problems over and over and over...I think even my therapist is sick of listening to me!

Anyways, it's nice to feel I belong somewhere...and regarding this post specifically, those are really beautiful and supportive words, especially ECHOES and Perna. It helps to look at situations from a different angle...something I am terrible at remembering to do on my own.

I hope you're feeling better, The Bakery.

Well I'm glad you are feeling relief, lately I have been feeling a bit better... I hope you do too <333 and welcome to PC

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by The Bakery

, but at times I almost want to die so I can make those who I feel don't care enough feel bad for not appreciating me.

Hi Bakery. I hear you and have this thought almost every day of my life. My thought is "what do I have to do to make people (friends, family) pay attention to me, I need help, someone please just help me". I always think if I would do something drastic enough, off myself or at least try, then maybe people would open their eyes and see how much I hurt. This becomes my main way of thinking when I even ask and try and reach out to people for help but they just push it by the waysaid. Basically how i feel and think is unimportant to any one.

I think this is what I am hearing you say. Maybe not exactly but something like this. This is my life every day.

[El-ahrairah]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

Hi Bakery. I hear you and have this thought almost every day of my life. My thought is "what do I have to do to make people (friends, family) pay attention to me, I need help, someone please just help me". I always think if I would do something drastic enough, off myself or at least try, then maybe people would open their eyes and see how much I hurt. This becomes my main way of thinking when I even ask and try and reach out to people for help but they just push it by the waysaid. Basically how i feel and think is unimportant to any one.

I think this is what I am hearing you say. Maybe not exactly but something like this. This is my life every day.

I'm sorry, I know how you feel :[......

[tryingtobeme]

How are you feeling Bakery?

[El-ahrairah]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

How are you feeling Bakery?

Very well today thank you :3
I've been feeling a lot better now days. n______n

[emotiguy]

Yes, I have felt that way, without being suicidal. It's an intellectual/theoretical proposition. However, it is false because it's only in our head...an example of the faulty thinking that people with BPD have. Recognize it for what it is, and then dismiss it as "one of those weird thoughts I have because I have BPD" and then you can move on to reality. Remember, you don't know what other people are thinking about you unless they tell you, explicitly, and even then, you have to take it with a grain of salt!