[*Defeated*]

So, I understand the words of many posts here, some that even resonate deep within my soul; however, I want to hear from those people who have been diagnosed as Borderline who also have concurrent/secondary issues such as eating disorders and substance abuse. I think depression and anxiety are pretty much a given with the diagnosis of BPD, but would love to hear from you as well.

I have only recently been diagnosed as Borderline and while the diagnosis has shed light on many aspects of my life that are and have been very difficult for me, it doesn't change my struggles. I should note here, if it isn't obvious, that I am not in any sort of recovery for any of the above named issues. They still control my life. So, I'm curious ... rather need guidance as far as how to handle the aspects of these disorders as the conflict with each other. I'll explain:

1. How do you cope with the anxiety and depression associated with your eating disorder/body image and your substance abuse? I find myself restricting my caloric intake of food to allow for the calories in the alcohol I so desperately need. (Except when I drink just enough that it makes it "okay" to eat), so I binge, feel like s**t the next day and want to drink to cope... Ringing any bells to anyone??

2. I am in treatment though I find is so excruciatingly uncomfortable that I feel the need to drink prior to a session to ease the tension. After the session, I'm so rattled that I feel the need to drink. And Dr. Linehan doesn't advise DBT treatment until all therapy-interfering behaviors are resolved (alcoholism). This makes me want to drink.

3. So, I drink ... feel fat, say screw it, binge, feel fat, drink ... wake up sober, feel fat and want to drink because I feel fat. I'm wondering if anyone sees a cycle here?

4. Additionally, my inability to form meaningful realtionships (mistrust, withdrawal, isolation, inappropriate attachment) makes me want to drink to forget or give me the ability to fantasize about having those things. and low and behold, drinking makes me feel fat ...

I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this and am wondering if anyone has had success with breaking the cycle, any helpful tools, insight, support, etc. And I don't wanna hear s**t like, "just stop drinking."

Sincerely,

[protector1973]

take up exercise, but start slowly. little bit each day. walking and taken in the world around you, nature and its beauty, slowly appreciating the beautyfull world we live in.

[Salmacis]

Hi, Defeated!

While I don't haven't received an official diagnosis of whatever disorder plagues me, I can definitely understand your body issues & alcohol dependence. I, too, have been struggling with drastic cuts to caloric intake (I only allow myself about 500 calories in food per day) to compensate for the alcohol calories. I've seen that behavior elsewhere termed as "drunkorexic".

This is probably the worst advice ever, but vodka has the least calories. If you're drinking beer and/or cocktails heavily, they will likely fail to compensate for less food calories at all - adding to the vicious cycle of binging on food. I either mix vodka with OJ (never soda) or sip on 90 proof peppermint schnapps - with a glass of water on the side.

Also, if you drink slower, you're not as apt to get the munchies to maintain consciousness. Only threw all this in because I know that I'd be a little happier (and drink less) if I could at least shed a few of my extra pounds - thinking you might feel the same?

FYI, at my first appt with my T, she asked why I drink & I said "got an hour?!" I drink to relax, I drink to sleep, I drink when I'm angry, I drink to have fun, I drink just to take the edge off (and, yes, also before/after my T appts), I drink when I've had a bad day to console myself, I drink when I've had a good day to celebrate, etc...

I, too, don't want to stop drinking, so my "diagnosis" has been delayed. I do, however, want to drink less... at least to a point where my therapy can be more helpful for me.

Anyway, my apologies if this is unwanted advice - or altogether bad advice... I wish you the best with your struggle and hope you find the answers you need.

Salmacis

[*Defeated*]

Originally Posted by protector1973

take up exercise, but start slowly. little bit each day. walking and taken in the world around you, nature and its beauty, slowly appreciating the beautyfull world we live in.

Please know that if the following seems abrasive, it is not directed at you!!

I don't need to take up any additional exercise. My T and N would not be happy about that. I have apparently already maxed out my daily capacity of exercising ... anything else?!

[*Defeated*]

Salmacis,

I'm just wondering if you may be my long lost identical twin or maybe we were part of some sort of cloning experiment that we may not know about.

I understand completely your reasoning for drinking, what causes it, why it continues, why you start again, why it helps, blah blah blah. I GET IT!!

Thank you, but I don't need any tips on "making it work." I need tips on "being okay with it NOT working." I appreciate the advice though. I want someone who can tell me it will be okay, that I will beat the beast, that I can live my life at any size and be satisfied with it, that I can have a truly intimate relationship without freaking out, obsessing about food, diet, exercise, my failures ...

Sorry, I'm just frustrated in general. I hope no one has taken offense to anything I've said or felt it was directed at them. Truly.

[Salmacis]

LOL! I always wondered if I was adopted & my real family was out there somewhere! I can't prove or deny it...

That said, I'm not offended at all. Just sorry I wasn't able to be more helpful. If I had the secret knowledge of accepting myself as is, I'd definitely share it. I'm my own worst critic, but I view the world as my enemy & always expect the worst.

I could come up w/any number of trite sayings at the moment, but none of them will do you any good right now. I don't know how old you are, but from my personal experience, my metabolism has crapped out on me a few years ago (I'm now 35) and I've been completely distraught that I can't do the things I used to (eat fatty food, drink, etc...) without automatically gaining weight. Guess I have to work harder now... and get more inventive. Maybe it's the same for you?

Anyway, hope you have a good night & can be a little more gentle with yourself someday soon...

[my3sns]

Well i too have been very recently diagnosed with BPD and i dont like it one bit , however it does make sense and explain a lot. I do not have an eating disorder , but do struggle every day with alcohol and drug dependency. As well as the typical major depressive disorder(treatment resistant) , anxiety , and PTSD. Ok all that said . Sometimes i still wonder if there is help out there that will work , but i have heard so many success stories that i have to keep the hope alive , and i pray that you will too . Take care and hold on its going to be a bumpy ride!

[*Defeated*]

Thanks guys. It's just an everyday struggle and a never-ending cycle that I would love to get out of. But its force keeps me reigned in

I need to do some REAL work in therapy and quit minimizing, lying, avoiding, masking, etc. I need to trust myself and learn to trust others. Hell, there's a lot that I need to do, I just can't seem to be able to step up to the challenge. One day at a time ...

[Starvin4Perfection]

Hey Defeated,

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles; comorbidity is really common with psychological disorders. I'm finishing my degree to become a therapist and have also been diagnosed as BPD and OCD... I have issues with eating and body image too. I can't give up food because I like it too much, so I purge. I have a super addictive personality and when I party, I party hard... in that respect it's a real struggle to know when I've reached my limit so I try really hard not to drink at all.

Aside from all of that, I wanted to mention something about the relationships that you're striving to have. I've always had somewhat tumultuous relationships and have had a difficult time staying faithful... I have a real tendency to push people away by telling myself that they don't really care about me, they don't want to be with me; but in all reality, that isn't the truth. I can't get it out of my head though so I just push them away until I can't handle it anymore and I leave.

About 3 years ago I left my ex-husband and moved back to California and wanted to figure out why I constantly push people away. I started seeing an imago therapist to try to understand and resolve the issues. This therapy teaches you why you choose the people you do and why your relationships turn out as they do. I have never in my life had anything that helped me so much!!! I have been able to maintain an extremely healthy and happy relationship with my boyfriend and have learned how to communicate and stop projecting my feelings onto him or provoking him to make me feel the way I used to. If I could give you ANY ADVICE, it would be to read the book "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix... it completely changed my life!!! There's hope out there, I promise. Best of luck to you!!!

Jewels