[summeryoga]

Part of me knows there is a healthier way to live; I've seen glimpses of it many, many times before - when I wake up early to practice Yoga, when I take the time to meditate, when I dedicate energy to learning DBT. When I throw myself into all of this and more, I am evened out, I don't act on my compulsions as often, I'm less of an emotional whirlwind, I'm so much more peaceful inside my mind. I want to be better, do better, live better ... but I'm terrified to just DO IT regularly.

Being in that healthy space is a terribly uncomfortable place to be for me, actually. I think I'm terrified of what life without my personality disorder traits would be (empty, I fear) ... I mean, I am REALLY terrified of what my life would be, of who I would be, without these traits that are so me yet so unhealthy, so I revert to old habits, feel and act and be in ways that contribute to that comfortable state of inner turmoil and 'badness'. On some weird level, I also worry that if I start to really truly cope in healthy ways, my friends who struggle (you, possibly) would feel left behind (that's probably silly and irrational, I know), so I'm scared to be here on PC feeling so close to so many of you in this intangible way, but yet I dread the idea of not being here.

So much of my adult life has been spent swinging back and forth on this pendulum, between mental/emotional sickness and health, sickness and health, sickness and health. I am standing on the edge of this metaphorical cliff, terrified to jump into recovery (for lack of a better term), and as I stand here teetering, I am grabbing for dear life onto all of my worst compulsions, fears, addictions ... but I am so damn close to jumping. But so scared to just do it.

Anyone else ever feel this way?

[Forgive77]

Ah...Yep. But that's cause I'm also bipolar.

If I'm up and doing things it's cause I'm manic. Sigh.....

Today I'm normal...but I just don't give a rat's *****!!! So I did nothing today. I'm not sure what it would be like to just be BPD......but with BPD, and have done my CBT, a full year, I would say...it's your choice...feeling almost froggy....JUMP!!!

[Ashleigh28]

All the time.

To be healthy means I deserve it... and do I? In my mind there are constant feelings of unworth. So, do I start in recovery by learning to love myself? Puting myself first? Or am I too comfortable in chaos? I think thats the plunge we all have to take, as lame as it sounds, love yourself.

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by summeryoga

On some weird level, I also worry that if I start to really truly cope in healthy ways, my friends who struggle (you, possibly) would feel left behind (that's probably silly and irrational, I know), so I'm scared to be here on PC feeling so close to so many of you in this intangible way, but yet I dread the idea of not being here.

You said it "silly and irrational". But I know what you mean. People expect you to be a certain way and you don't want to disappoint them. But of course you know that people who truly care about you will support you. The others I would ignore. Look at yourself as an inspiration to others instead. I suppose it is a loss of part of your identity but since you have something to replace it with, I think the empty part will be filled up and you won't feel the loss so much.

Hope that makes some sense.

All the time summeryoga - although i try not to let my illness define me, i wonder at times how or even who i would be without the symptoms ive come to experience for so long. In the long term though i know i can't go on self harming, restricting my eating, treating the ones i love the way i do etc etc. I wonder where ill end up sometimes - and that frightens me more than not recovering. Remember, people with BPD can experience huge problems with identity - but then you could argue that no one ever stays the same person through out their life. I would just try being a little kinder to yourself and remember sometimse recovery comes more slowly and naturally than we ever expected. Message me if you need to talk

[RaggedyAnn67]

I'm so stressed tonight, and I hope I can make sense here.
I definitely struggle with the concept of 'getting better'. It is a scary place in my mind still. I am trying to figure life out. I've never been able to find me. Who am I? What do I really want in my life emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and materially? What brings me joy, happiness, satisfaction, inspiration? I just don't know.

And, I have spent a lifetime criticizing the world & people that I have developed a serious resentment for what people call 'normal'. I am to the point, I don't like it. I don't want to be part of it.

Sadly, all I have known in life so far is that 'family' is not safe or about love; I am an object for men to abuse mentally, physically, and sexually; abandonment is expected; power trip people are dangerous; and people who see weakness in me take advantage of it and are dangerous as well.

I see the world and people being so much different: caring, helpful, responsible, respectful, civil, honest, truth-seeking, hard-working etc. But, I can't find it. Not yet anyway. So, until I see it in the world, I want to stay in my world with my belief system. I am not willing to change because I do not see that change would be good.

Ugh. This is mentally exhausting for me actually. I still have so much to think about on it, but it is good for me to start processing these thoughts.

[Rosie23]

Originally Posted by summeryoga

Part of me knows there is a healthier way to live; I've seen glimpses of it many, many times before - when I wake up early to practice Yoga, when I take the time to meditate, when I dedicate energy to learning DBT. When I throw myself into all of this and more, I am evened out, I don't act on my compulsions as often, I'm less of an emotional whirlwind, I'm so much more peaceful inside my mind. I want to be better, do better, live better ... but I'm terrified to just DO IT regularly.

Being in that healthy space is a terribly uncomfortable place to be for me, actually. I think I'm terrified of what life without my personality disorder traits would be (empty, I fear) ... I mean, I am REALLY terrified of what my life would be, of who I would be, without these traits that are so me yet so unhealthy, so I revert to old habits, feel and act and be in ways that contribute to that comfortable state of inner turmoil and 'badness'. On some weird level, I also worry that if I start to really truly cope in healthy ways, my friends who struggle (you, possibly) would feel left behind (that's probably silly and irrational, I know), so I'm scared to be here on PC feeling so close to so many of you in this intangible way, but yet I dread the idea of not being here.

So much of my adult life has been spent swinging back and forth on this pendulum, between mental/emotional sickness and health, sickness and health, sickness and health. I am standing on the edge of this metaphorical cliff, terrified to jump into recovery (for lack of a better term), and as I stand here teetering, I am grabbing for dear life onto all of my worst compulsions, fears, addictions ... but I am so damn close to jumping. But so scared to just do it.

Anyone else ever feel this way?

I totally understand. It is the only normal you know. And even though you are an intelligent person who knows that there is the potential for a better quality of life, you hang on to the old because you are afraid of this unknown life.

Trust your instincts and go for the new. Just do it slowly. You have to crawl before you can walk and one day you will be running like the wind.

[Forgive77]

Comfortable in the chaos....yup that's me. Totally. Resenting and fighting against 'normal' that is me too. What a light bulb moment this post was for me. I too hide from people and making new friends....I hate politics, which is one of the reasons I don't volunteer at my kid's schools. I hate the back stabbing. I've been locked in the house for almost five years now...five if you count pregnancy due to having triplets...I feel 'institutionalized'. Having freedom next school year I'm sure is going to be a huge shock for me.

Originally Posted by summeryoga

Part of me knows there is a healthier way to live; I've seen glimpses of it many, many times before - when I wake up early to practice Yoga, when I take the time to meditate, when I dedicate energy to learning DBT. When I throw myself into all of this and more, I am evened out, I don't act on my compulsions as often, I'm less of an emotional whirlwind, I'm so much more peaceful inside my mind. I want to be better, do better, live better ... but I'm terrified to just DO IT regularly.

Being in that healthy space is a terribly uncomfortable place to be for me, actually. I think I'm terrified of what life without my personality disorder traits would be (empty, I fear) ... I mean, I am REALLY terrified of what my life would be, of who I would be, without these traits that are so me yet so unhealthy, so I revert to old habits, feel and act and be in ways that contribute to that comfortable state of inner turmoil and 'badness'. On some weird level, I also worry that if I start to really truly cope in healthy ways, my friends who struggle (you, possibly) would feel left behind (that's probably silly and irrational, I know), so I'm scared to be here on PC feeling so close to so many of you in this intangible way, but yet I dread the idea of not being here.

So much of my adult life has been spent swinging back and forth on this pendulum, between mental/emotional sickness and health, sickness and health, sickness and health. I am standing on the edge of this metaphorical cliff, terrified to jump into recovery (for lack of a better term), and as I stand here teetering, I am grabbing for dear life onto all of my worst compulsions, fears, addictions ... but I am so damn close to jumping. But so scared to just do it.

Anyone else ever feel this way?

.........yes

[summeryoga]

Originally Posted by Ashleigh28

All the time.

To be healthy means I deserve it... and do I? In my mind there are constant feelings of unworth. So, do I start in recovery by learning to love myself? Puting myself first? Or am I too comfortable in chaos? I think thats the plunge we all have to take, as lame as it sounds, love yourself.

Ashleigh, I so get you ... XOOO That's exactly it.

[summeryoga]

Originally Posted by athena2011

You said it "silly and irrational". But I know what you mean. People expect you to be a certain way and you don't want to disappoint them. But of course you know that people who truly care about you will support you. The others I would ignore. Look at yourself as an inspiration to others instead. I suppose it is a loss of part of your identity but since you have something to replace it with, I think the empty part will be filled up and you won't feel the loss so much.

Hope that makes some sense.

Yes, it makes total sense. Thanks, C.

[summeryoga]

Originally Posted by bb2023

All the time summeryoga - although i try not to let my illness define me, i wonder at times how or even who i would be without the symptoms ive come to experience for so long. In the long term though i know i can't go on self harming, restricting my eating, treating the ones i love the way i do etc etc. I wonder where ill end up sometimes - and that frightens me more than not recovering. Remember, people with BPD can experience huge problems with identity - but then you could argue that no one ever stays the same person through out their life. I would just try being a little kinder to yourself and remember sometimse recovery comes more slowly and naturally than we ever expected. Message me if you need to talk

I may just take you up on that, BB. You are so sweet and kind ... Thank you so much for your response.

[summeryoga]

Originally Posted by RaggedyAnn67

I'm so stressed tonight, and I hope I can make sense here.
I definitely struggle with the concept of 'getting better'. It is a scary place in my mind still. I am trying to figure life out. I've never been able to find me. Who am I? What do I really want in my life emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and materially? What brings me joy, happiness, satisfaction, inspiration? I just don't know.

And, I have spent a lifetime criticizing the world & people that I have developed a serious resentment for what people call 'normal'. I am to the point, I don't like it. I don't want to be part of it.

Sadly, all I have known in life so far is that 'family' is not safe or about love; I am an object for men to abuse mentally, physically, and sexually; abandonment is expected; power trip people are dangerous; and people who see weakness in me take advantage of it and are dangerous as well.

I see the world and people being so much different: caring, helpful, responsible, respectful, civil, honest, truth-seeking, hard-working etc. But, I can't find it. Not yet anyway. So, until I see it in the world, I want to stay in my world with my belief system. I am not willing to change because I do not see that change would be good.

Ugh. This is mentally exhausting for me actually. I still have so much to think about on it, but it is good for me to start processing these thoughts.

(((Raggedy)))

[summeryoga]

Originally Posted by Rosie23

I totally understand. It is the only normal you know. And even though you are an intelligent person who knows that there is the potential for a better quality of life, you hang on to the old because you are afraid of this unknown life.

Trust your instincts and go for the new. Just do it slowly. You have to crawl before you can walk and one day you will be running like the wind.

I hope so, Rosie ... Thank you for this.

[summeryoga]

Originally Posted by Forgive77

Comfortable in the chaos....yup that's me. Totally. Resenting and fighting against 'normal' that is me too. What a light bulb moment this post was for me. I too hide from people and making new friends....I hate politics, which is one of the reasons I don't volunteer at my kid's schools. I hate the back stabbing. I've been locked in the house for almost five years now...five if you count pregnancy due to having triplets...I feel 'institutionalized'. Having freedom next school year I'm sure is going to be a huge shock for me.

Oh my gosh, triplets? One at a time was hard enough, lol! How do you do it all? I've been meaning to connect with you about motherhood and coping with a PD, etc., so I'm glad you posted here. You are amazingly strong, Forgive.

[summeryoga]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

.........yes

I miss you so much, J. :'(

[ChaoticSymphony]

I go back and forward all the time lately. When I say I want to do good I mean it and I make a conscience effort to be good. It feels so fake though, like this annoying little brown nosing brat that you just want to punch, and you probably would if this type of person was in front of you. Being "bad" just feels so normal. It's like if you just succumb to the bad guy then there is no accountability and you are left to just be. Which turns back into the not feeling like you have a purpose on this earth. A circle of chaos and not feeling really comfortable on either spectrum.

[summeryoga]

So ... Has anyone made the jump from dysfunction to function? Is it even possible?

[RaggedyAnn67]

"So ... Has anyone made the jump from dysfunction to function? Is it even possible? "

Couple of questions here: Do you mean basically being 'normal'?
What does it mean to function?

[summeryoga]

Originally Posted by RaggedyAnn67

"So ... Has anyone made the jump from dysfunction to function? Is it even possible? "

Couple of questions here: Do you mean basically being 'normal'?
What does it mean to function?

To walk through life in a healthy way both internally and externally ... by making healthy choices, living in 'wise mind', being free from urges. Is that possible? And if that IS possible, how do we get to that point? Rhetorical question, I guess ...

[PleaseHelp]

Thank you for this thread. I do feel this way. I think a big part of going back to the unhealthy coping skills is that its what we are use to. Kind of like a security blanket. The healthy way is so foreign that its scary. And humans like comfort and what they are use to, change of any kind is hard.

I have gotten a bit better. I don't think I'm entirely healthy by any means. However, I have been having some "revelations" lately that are both enlightening and scary as hell all at the same time. I am lucky enough to be in a stable relationship, where my SO is understanding and supports me. I also feel like I'm on that ledge where I need to decide if I'm going to "jump" into the healthy or stay where I am. And its scary.

One thing that I try to remember is: I've been like this for 32 years, I'm not going to change overnight. I need to be gentle with myself and go slowly. But I'm kind of impatient and just want to be better NOW. Although, I know that's not possible.

[Forgive77]

So I had a revilation after this post. My house is always a mess. I've been cleaning like a mad woman since someone posted about being comfortable in the choas....light bulb moment for me. Cause I really do hate it. I like everything to be perfect. But it's choas for everyone...so now...I've found something to work on. Wow....now to read everyones posts!! Thanks for this one!! It clicked...It's a choice. Click click!!