[Helloanxiety]

My boyfriend has recently been diagnosed with borderline personality. I've looked it up and read all about it and how he feels and thinks. He has told me about how he feels but has never had an explanation behind it. Knowing more about it and knowing how it can affect relationships I'd like some advice from others dealing with this. We do have a very good relationship and no matter how bad his moods get i'd never consider leaving him, but I think I do need help knowing how to help him with this and need a better understanding of it.
I also find it difficult to deal with as from reading about the condition there are times where he could find me unbearable to be with. This panic's me, and I know I shouldn't take it personally, but having anxiety issues and being a "people pleaser" i'm terrified of these rejected feelings he could have towards me. I would really appreciate some advice, thanks all.

[PleaseHelp]

I have a book called "Sometimes I act crazy - living with borderline personality disorder" it was made for people with BPD, their loved ones, and their therapists. Its easy to read. At the end of each chapter (each chapter deals with one trait) they give suggestions on how to better handle that trait and things that you can do to ease the intenseness.

My SO and I have been reading it together on and off. I'll read a chapter, then he'll read it and we'll discuss if I have those traits and to what degree. Then look at the "action" plans and try to figure out what works best for me. I hope this helps.

[xxKaneLovesZoexx]

But I don't read books. D:

[shipping]

I hope we can help you, HelloAnxiety. My current spouse has been with me since I met him in 1995. I have bpd. I will share things I think help him stay with me (other than love, things in common, etc). First, he is what is called a "caregiver" or "helper" personality type. He is very patient. He believes in and values commitment. He sees glimmers of hope and triumph for my condition and celebrates that, EVEN THOUGH there are way more negative incidents and behaviors than positive ones--that in itself shows a tremendous amount of patience.When I gripe at him for some bizarre unreasonable thing, he doesn't back down and tuck his tail even though that would be easier. Here is what we do often: when we need top discuss a sensitive issue (money or sex, etc) we initiate discussion by email. We also use email for diatribes and manifestos, for new beginnings, and for little things that have been annoying us about the other lately. We promise not to respond to the email until we have thought it over (even in the backs of our minds counts) and can sit to answer the email calmly and rationally.

The reasons email helps: I don't know if this is a bpd thing, but I have to begin every important conversation (whether to get a new car) with a preface. The preface can go on and on and could trigger anger before I even get to the point I really wanted to make. So writing gives me my preface time while he can skim over it, knowing this will not be my main point. Writing also helps people by encouraging a person to experiment with multiple patterns of thinking as one decides how to organize the info. Wow. It just occurred to me that that COULD BE a significant scientific breakthrough in new ways to help people retrain the ways their brain is wired. Wow. I'm impressed. And finally, with email, no one gets to interrupt the other!!! This is SO important for communication, as you probably know.

Once we receive one of these emails--the subject should clearly indicate personal or don't read at your office, or something of that sort so the other partner is not ambushed. Then we decide 1-the most important part to me-the reader of this email and 2-what is the other partner-the writer of the email-trying to tell me? We cut through a LOT of arguing and insulting each other that way. We eventually, after pinpointing the crucial issues and anything we feel we cannot ignore, have a talk. The talk can be structured like a literature class--if someone says something controversial then the reader says, "well in paragrapgh 2 of your email you said thus and such; that's why I thought this or that." Use the text as evidence and continually clarify with each other, by referring to the email.

My partner has kept all my emails since 1995 on disc. Once I semi-jokingly asked him if he was saving them for the commitment hearing" and he said, "something like that." We thought it was funny. Thanks for trying to help your partner--who is like us. I appreciate that.

[xxKaneLovesZoexx]

Hi. I'm her boyfriend.

Wouldn't looking back on the messages just make you feel worse?

[PleaseHelp]

Originally Posted by xxKaneLovesZoexx

But I don't read books. D:

It's a very simple read. Just go to the end of the chapter on the things that might help.

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by shipping

I hope we can help you, HelloAnxiety. My current spouse has been with me since I met him in 1995. I have bpd. I will share things I think help him stay with me (other than love, things in common, etc). First, he is what is called a "caregiver" or "helper" personality type. He is very patient. He believes in and values commitment. He sees glimmers of hope and triumph for my condition and celebrates that, EVEN THOUGH there are way more negative incidents and behaviors than positive ones--that in itself shows a tremendous amount of patience.When I gripe at him for some bizarre unreasonable thing, he doesn't back down and tuck his tail even though that would be easier. Here is what we do often: when we need top discuss a sensitive issue (money or sex, etc) we initiate discussion by email. We also use email for diatribes and manifestos, for new beginnings, and for little things that have been annoying us about the other lately. We promise not to respond to the email until we have thought it over (even in the backs of our minds counts) and can sit to answer the email calmly and rationally.

The reasons email helps: I don't know if this is a bpd thing, but I have to begin every important conversation (whether to get a new car) with a preface. The preface can go on and on and could trigger anger before I even get to the point I really wanted to make. So writing gives me my preface time while he can skim over it, knowing this will not be my main point. Writing also helps people by encouraging a person to experiment with multiple patterns of thinking as one decides how to organize the info. Wow. It just occurred to me that that COULD BE a significant scientific breakthrough in new ways to help people retrain the ways their brain is wired. Wow. I'm impressed. And finally, with email, no one gets to interrupt the other!!! This is SO important for communication, as you probably know.

Once we receive one of these emails--the subject should clearly indicate personal or don't read at your office, or something of that sort so the other partner is not ambushed. Then we decide 1-the most important part to me-the reader of this email and 2-what is the other partner-the writer of the email-trying to tell me? We cut through a LOT of arguing and insulting each other that way. We eventually, after pinpointing the crucial issues and anything we feel we cannot ignore, have a talk. The talk can be structured like a literature class--if someone says something controversial then the reader says, "well in paragrapgh 2 of your email you said thus and such; that's why I thought this or that." Use the text as evidence and continually clarify with each other, by referring to the email.

My partner has kept all my emails since 1995 on disc. Once I semi-jokingly asked him if he was saving them for the commitment hearing" and he said, "something like that." We thought it was funny. Thanks for trying to help your partner--who is like us. I appreciate that.

Shipping - Wow - this is amazing. I think ALL SO relationships could benefit from this - not just one with a BPD involved. You are so blessed to have a husband like this too.

[shipping]

Originally Posted by xxKaneLovesZoexx

Hi. I'm her boyfriend.

Wouldn't looking back on the messages just make you feel worse?

Hi! I look back at the messages often, especially the ones I have written, so I can LOOK at MYSELF as I was in that moment in time. Since I change frequently, I find it helpful to review my thoughts and sometimes I think, "wow, that was kind of crazy...or demanding...or selfish" other times I feel totally validated--by myself.

[shipping]

Originally Posted by athena2011

Shipping - Wow - this is amazing. I think ALL SO relationships could benefit from this - not just one with a BPD involved. You are so blessed to have a husband like this too.

Thanks! I like to use my mind and my writing to think of helpful things; so your response makes me feel great!!! And you are right, I am very lucky to have my husband. We help each other, even though he has to do the most helping. Since my recent additional mystery illness, he has begun doing my laundry for me in addition to everything else he does. It is amazing how much it helps one face the day if there is something to wear in the closet! I sometimes can't believe my luck!

[shipping]

Originally Posted by shipping

Thanks! I like to use my mind and my writing to think of helpful things; so your response makes me feel great!!! And you are right, I am very lucky to have my husband. We help each other, even though he has to do the most helping. Since my recent additional mystery illness, he has begun doing my laundry for me in addition to everything else he does. It is amazing how much it helps one face the day if there is something to wear in the closet! I sometimes can't believe my luck!

He is very funny, too.

[shipping]

Originally Posted by Helloanxiety

My boyfriend has recently been diagnosed with borderline personality. I've looked it up and read all about it and how he feels and thinks. He has told me about how he feels but has never had an explanation behind it. Knowing more about it and knowing how it can affect relationships I'd like some advice from others dealing with this. We do have a very good relationship and no matter how bad his moods get i'd never consider leaving him, but I think I do need help knowing how to help him with this and need a better understanding of it.
I also find it difficult to deal with as from reading about the condition there are times where he could find me unbearable to be with. This panic's me, and I know I shouldn't take it personally, but having anxiety issues and being a "people pleaser" i'm terrified of these rejected feelings he could have towards me. I would really appreciate some advice, thanks all.

I really admire you for working with your boyfriend and learning ways to help. Maybe you could use help for anxiety and being a "people pleaser" because I can see how being with a bpd would feel really risky all the time since you want to please (be liked? is that the same or no?) When I reject my partner, he gives me space because he is fairly confident that I don't really hate him. I don't know how he gets that confidence except by being very rational (he is a mathematician) and from practice over a long time--knowing that in the past I have always come around and recognized that he is not my enemy here. You want to make people happy; that's lovely, and you don't deserve to feel worried about rejection. So practice being able to turn away for a minute and comfort yourself while he gets some air. I'm not a good therapist so that probably sounds too simplistic...maybe a therapist for you--short course--for dealing with these different personalities and conflicts?

[RaggedyAnn67]

HelloAnxiety and XXKaneLoves ZoeXX,

I am not very experienced in actually trying to communicate with a loved one in my life, but I can suggest how I see one.

Our reactions to situations can be totally influenced by our emotions (fear, panic, anger, jealousy are some of the big ones). And, these can be influenced even more knowing the 'BPD' is involved.

But, why let it? The things you wrote about in this post HelloAnxiety are things that you could talk about to XXKaneLovesZoeXX. The most important thing for you both is to communicate. That's true for all people (Labeled or not).

BPDers may appear not to want you at times, but rest assured they 99.99% of the time do! Our overheightend emotions usually don't last too long and then we regret what we've said or done. So, perhaps try to stay strong for that time remembering this.

And, how we react and respond to one another is always important too. If we panic or get upset and we yell...well that is a no where/ no win situation. Learning how to respond to one another is key.

Story: I was preparing a nice meal for a young neighbor I have. He was going through a rough time. I saw him talking to a neighbor and went out to tell him that this supper was done. He was angry at the time. He blew up at me, so I blew up at him. We were yelling and screaming in the parking lot. Later, the next day, we regretted it. I told him that I should have said, "Knock it off and get your butt upstairs!" He said that he wished that I would have said that and that he would've gone upstairs to eat. If I simply would have responded in a less threatening manner, it wouldn't have gone that far.

I don't think that people really want to fight, argue, or abondon one another down deep. We really want those around us to stay around us. We just want our morals/values to be met in the relationship. The trouble starts through misunderstandings or mistakes that someone made against our morals. We want those mistakes/misunderstanding brought to the surface and we want to hear 'my bad' from the other. I am not so sure why that has become so frightening for people to say. If you make a mistake, just say it, 'my bad'.

Keep the communication going. Work on the emotions & reactions. From what you both wrote, I think that you have a special bond already. Don't lose that.

[Helloanxiety]

Originally Posted by shipping

I really admire you for working with your boyfriend and learning ways to help. Maybe you could use help for anxiety and being a "people pleaser" because I can see how being with a bpd would feel really risky all the time since you want to please (be liked? is that the same or no?) When I reject my partner, he gives me space because he is fairly confident that I don't really hate him. I don't know how he gets that confidence except by being very rational (he is a mathematician) and from practice over a long time--knowing that in the past I have always come around and recognized that he is not my enemy here. You want to make people happy; that's lovely, and you don't deserve to feel worried about rejection. So practice being able to turn away for a minute and comfort yourself while he gets some air. I'm not a good therapist so that probably sounds too simplistic...maybe a therapist for you--short course--for dealing with these different personalities and conflicts?

Thanks shipping for all your help. My "people pleasing" I think is a symptom of my anxiety and if i'm not able to make everyone happy then I get very distressed, causing me to bring others down which can then make me worse as i'm not making them happy. It's a catch 22 I suppose. Also the thought of being unliked or not wanted around can be very worrying. I think you are right that giving each other space so he can calm down and I can grow in confidence knowing he wouldn't mean to upset me. I think confidence and patience is the key. Thankyou so much for all your help [=

[shipping]

Originally Posted by Helloanxiety

Thanks shipping for all your help. My "people pleasing" I think is a symptom of my anxiety and if i'm not able to make everyone happy then I get very distressed, causing me to bring others down which can then make me worse as i'm not making them happy. It's a catch 22 I suppose. Also the thought of being unliked or not wanted around can be very worrying. I think you are right that giving each other space so he can calm down and I can grow in confidence knowing he wouldn't mean to upset me. I think confidence and patience is the key. Thankyou so much for all your help [=

I love it that you told me I was helpful! Thanks for that.