What am I learning?

I am going through a very difficult time right now. Totally lost it several times yesterday, descending into hysteria. So much pain. Today is another day and thought the circumstances are the same, the pain is not so present to day, not so demanding of my attention. I have been able to think some today, now that the emotions are no screaming in my head. In reflecting, I may have discovered at least part of the problem of how I got to the place of desperation yesterday. I am constantly trying to succeed and I overvalue others opinion of what success means. For example, I have a family member who thinks it is a sign of laziness to have more than one roll of toilet paper out in the bathroom The other rolls shoulsbe put away, out of sight. So, when I have naked TP in my bathroom, that relative thinks I am too lazy to put it away.

I simply accept the family members assessment and work on finding the TP another home, in a drawer or somewhere. Instead, I should reject that family members assessment of my reason for leaving my TP out. I should not value her opinion more than my own. My TP is out where I can see it, because it is easier for me to know how much I have left that way. It is also easier to get to if a roll runs out. Instead of agreeing with her invalidating judgmental opinion, I should just know that I do it my way for my reasons and they work for me.

If course, this is a rather trivial example. The things I am dealing with are much more serious, but this simple example of the TP totally fits the overall pattern of what I do. I will just disregard my own preferences or wisdom or whatever, in favor of someone else's. It is as if I think anyone but me knows how to live better. They know how to run a successful home, how to have a good family, how to be a successful person.

I am a successful person. Someone with BPD who survives is a successful person. I may live in poverty, I may not have many friends and I may struggle with my illness often, but I am still here. I am still trying. I have demonstrated strength, bravery, stamina and wisdom in my fight against my disease. Who cares if I am not who they think I should be? Well, I do. But I need to learn that it is OK to be who and what I want me to be. I am good enough. I do need to continue improving, but I am good enough. As long as I have breath, I am still trying and there is still hope.

I am so desperately seeking answers, that I accept other people's opinions about things, even when I know they are wrong. I need to stop when someone says something like that to me. Instead of feeling bad because I did not measure up to their standards, I need to remember that I do live up to my standards and that is good enough. It is my life. People can and will share their judgements with me, but I chose to take it in and allow it to hurt me. Right? I think so. Maybe. SIGH. I dunno.

Thanks for listening. Comments welcome.

My heart cries for you,as I can relate.We,as borderlines had to survive so much,and were so busy being what we thought would help us simply survive,that we've lost our identity.It is a very painful thing to feel as if you must navigate through the seas of "normals" or those who exude stability.Because it reflects as an opposite mirror,and a reflection of what appears unobtainable,It is a deeply hurtful reality.One that many cannot fathom.Because our identity is so faint,and so out of reach we clamor to grasp that which seems attractive,or acceptable.Somewhere within I believe that if we had a level of faith in our own goodness and judgement,we could truly love our selves as well as others must love themselves.But that faith was shaken with the constant quakes of the caretakers around us.We were dependent,and needed to believe in the little god of our youths.Our parents.Those who most deeply set their roots inside us.The t.p thing is a prime example.Most would simply tell the person,look,if you are so disturbed by the way I run my life,then adjust it to please yourself,you are the one with the issue.But we don't do that,can't.Because somewhere inside a voice says….it wouldn't have been said if it were not true.Well….so what if it's true.We are individuals and adult,and thereby are capable of determining the things which matter in our own personal lives.I have to wonder as an outsider,(though if I were you I may not see it) What is so lacking in their life,that they have the time to scold and shame me for such a trivial feat?You said…"someone with bpd who survives is a successful person" That brought me to tears.Because the healthy aspect of me knows you are right.Here I sit,contemplating ending my life because of the guilt I feel for ending a marriage which is detrimental to my health,and yet,look at what I survived thus far.Look at what you have survived.Each day we breathe is a new success.I have one friend,and it isn't because I have nothing to offer.It is because my damage prevents me from being comfortable enough in my own skin to trust that I am made of any type of goodness.Yet,I know I am.I know I am made of both goodness and fallibility.Just as all other humans in the trenches of this thing called life.No better,no worse.Just looking through different eyes.Eyes that refuse self-love.Eyes that saw others saying you have no value.Well one figures then,I must have no value.If I did ,then why would you say I didn't?We ALL need to continue improving,and frankly there are far too many who can see no need for it.It IS ok to be who and what you want you to be…and it is also ok to be at the point where you happen to be on your path in life.In closing,I want to let you know that you have assisted me tonight ,unfortunately,via the pain you are enduring.You have shed a light in my darkness and I thank you.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain right now. I do hope you can start to listen to the wise mind answers you have inside you, and make a stand to live the way you choose. I am mentally filling my bathroom with 100s of rolls of toilet paper, in solidarity...

Thank you both so much for responding. The depth of understanding you both have displayed in you unique ways, is very helpful. I feel better knowing that someone understands and someone cares.

Wolfsong: Your response made me cry, I was so touched by the compassion and clarity of your words. We are successes. Somewhere between 1 in 9 and 1 in 10 of us die with suicide because of this disease. Who know how many of us die by other related diseases like cirrhosis or heart disease caused by self medicating? We have a pretty high mortality rate.
To continue living is a challenge for us. it is OK for us to be proud of our accomplishment of staying alive, of not giving in to the disease and pain.

If you got out of a bad relationship, that is something to celebrate. I am proud of you.

Thank you again for your response to my plea for help. You are a lovely person.

Improving: I can mentally picture a bathroom with shelves of TP from floor to ceiling. What an interesting decorating idea! I would be great for sound proofing too. That way no one would have to hear you singing in the shower. Beautiful, yet practical. LOL

Solidarity helps. Knowing I am not in this alone is tremendous. TY.

You are not alone.

Uh-oh. The shelf in my bathroon with the 12 naked rolls of TP is like the neatest most organized spot in my house! Here I thought I was doing something right for a change! Well ya know what? IT WORKS FOR ME! Your big-mouth buddy is not invited here! But you are - as soon as I clean up the rest of the place! People asked me what I "did" for my 60th birthday - hey, I survived, that's what the H I did. I'm happy I read this, you all are very eloquent in describing the subtle nuances of these mind games.

Thank you Hankster. You made it to 60! Awesome job. Happy birthday. Leave your TP out! Life has too many important things to pay attention to, so do not worry about the little stuff.

Thank you so very much for this. I have carried it around in my head since yesterday. It reminded me that somewhere along the line, I have moved the goalposts. For so many years I truly thought I was going to die. And as I get 'better', I get frustrated that I am not doing enough, fast enough. I compare myself with others of my age and feel that I should be some way through my career, own a house, be married by now. I get angry with myself for the odd days when I don't get out of bed, don't get enough work done, don't hang up the washing. I forget to notice that I'm alive, when I should have been dead by now.

I have always felt very rejecting of the BPD label- never offically received it, and have never felt part of the 'us'. Your post is the first time I have felt part of the 'us'- and proud to be. I didn't die. We didn't die. We should be celebrating this as much as groups of people who have survived cancer do. Nobody runs through the streets for us. Nobody wears ribbons. In most areas of my life nobody can know that I am even 'ill'. There may not be anyone who knows how much harder it is. Nobody to celebrate with. But maybe we need to celebrate together the fact that we continue to survive.

PS Yes. Toilet rolls. Definitely. I was thinking of building a house in my garden using solely toilet rolls. Perhaps you could send your troublesome relative to live in it?

I am a successful person. Someone with BPD who survives is a successful person. I may live in poverty, I may not have many friends and I may struggle with my illness often, but I am still here. I am still trying. I have demonstrated strength, bravery, stamina and wisdom in my fight against my disease. Who cares if I am not who they think I should be? Well, I do. But I need to learn that it is OK to be who and what I want me to be. I am good enough. I do need to continue improving, but I am good enough. As long as I have breath, I am still trying and there is still hope.

This was the most inspring thing ive read! I really appreciate listening to all of you! I love that you can still stay positive.. I know family and friends are hard to deal with.. Like no one understands but your strong and you know it! You can get through this, you said it yourself! Your strong and successful! You just need to believe in yourself!

I just joined a few minutes ago and came across this thread. To all of you - this thread is so beautiful and moving. I relate to so much of what has been said.

I have the overwhelming urge to be friends with all of you. Don't laugh - it's true! I want to reach out to and be reached out to in turn by such lovely people. I don't know how to explain the feeling(s). I have been struggling, and feel desperately lonely. I feel like here, maybe...

Improving - I feel the same way about labels, and have mostly avoided therapists for half of my life (after trying a few that were all hopeless, and one a few years back). I am trying to steel myself to call and set up an appointment with someone who can hopefully help me this time around. I don't think I can do it by myself anymore. Too much has happened in the last few years, and I no longer have the strength to fight battles on so many fronts.

I also found this thread very inspiring MDD and all those who have posted. I think the challenge is to stand up for yourself in a manner that doesn't completely burn bridges. I finally stood up to my sister just before Christmas and she cancelled Christmas. She's an attention seeking, name dropping, shove it in your face, know-it-all bully. She refuses to associate with anybody who is not rich, beautiful or successful. I finally decided I don't need her in my life. I think I burned the bridge...

by morsecoded
"I have the overwhelming urge to be friends with all of you. Don't laugh - it's true!"

No one is laughin' love.Hope you can put yourself in the 'lovely' category.No one here has more value than yourself.

This is why we have the grouphug smilie but you are right morsecoded, and I am glad you happened upon this awesome thread!

Hmm, I don't know about that. Thank you, but I'm not good enough. I want to be friends with people, but they rarely want to be friends with me - or they change their minds after I stop actively entertaining them and smiling all the time. I thought I knew how to meet those expectations and requirements, but I just keep failing. No one wants to be friends with what I consider the real me.

I'm glad I happened upon it, too! This is the first forum that feels welcoming to me, without miles and miles of emotional distance between people posting. I instantly wanted to 'adopt' you guys! XD

I keep my TP in a basket in my bathroom right next to the toilet!! It looks full and pretty!

Will read the rest of the posts now. LOL