[Wilted Rose]

Hi everyone, I've been a member to this site for awhile but this is my first time posting.

I was diagnosed with BPD a few weeks ago but I've known I've had it for a year now. I think I showed signs of it since I was young. I grew up with an abusive step dad, I was even sexually abused by his best friends brother. When my mom and step dad finally divorced I lived with my mom most of the time. We moved around a lot, we were so poor that I would steal food so we could eat or we wouldn't eat at all. She also left me alone a lot so she could go and see her boyfriends. I had a lot of anger during my elementary years which escalated in my teen years. I got into fights, I'd fly into rages with my mother. When I was 15 I got into a fight with my mom and that was my breaking point and attempted suicide for the first time. I almost didn't make it but I did and I've been wishing my life ended then instead of living this way now.

I've gotten my rage under control to a point that I don't break things or yell at strangers in a grocery store when they won't get out of my way. However, when I'm angry over something usually with my s.o I could rant for days until I feel like he finally gets it then I'm all better.

I was in therapy for awhile. She didn't help me at all. I felt judged by her but I stuck with it because I was hoping she'd make me better like she promised. She diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder and said that she's start DBT therapy with me but never did. Once she realized she couldn't help me anymore she recommended me to a psychiatric day program at the hospital. I got accepted but there were a few conditions I had to meet first. My husband at that point had made the choice to leave me and because of that one of the stipulations to get in to the program was to have stable living and income, second was no binge eating, third no cutting, fourth no substance abuse. I had asked my therapist for help with these things but instead she said that she didn't need to see me anymore. That left me feeling alone and abandoned. I had an appointment with a housing complex that I was sure that I would get into but was rejected. My husband and I were still living in the same house at the time just until I could find a place to live. When I didn't get the condo he said that I would have to look in another town and within a week I'm moving an hour away to stay with a friend who is an unmedicated Bi polar. You can imagine how that went. Anyway, these events lead me to not be able to go to the day program.

Since all that I managed to find a job and move back into my house while my husband moved out. This should make me happy instead the stress of everything has made me spiral. Then a few weeks ago I was sexually assaulted. Since that happened I am barely functioning. I have no support group. I am completely alone. The depression got the best of me and I made another suicide attempt a few days ago. I have no memory of what happened, all I know is I woke up in the hospital alone in a room they locked me in. I think I spent a full 24 hours there and they let me go. I had no purse or wallet and had to find a ride home. Because of this what little support I did have is now gone. My ex won't talk to me my biological dad won't talk to me. I hate myself for putting my family through hell but I can't stop wishing that this attempt was successful.

I am 35 years old and all I want is to be dead or happy. I want to be able to function like "normal" people, I want to be able to keep a job and I want to be a good mother to my kids. I can't seem to accomplish any of these.

Anyway, that is my story. I am sorry if it sounds jumbled or confusing. I'm having a hard time collecting my thoughts.

Thank you for listening.

[NYCDoglvr]

Then a few weeks ago I was sexually assaulted. Since that happened I am barely functioning. I have no support group. I am completely alone. The depression got the best of me and I made another suicide attempt a few days ago.

I sincerely hope you can get to a therapist or a shrink. No one should try to handle something like this alone. Your life is valuable and you have made progress with BPD, which shows you can go even further. I have wanted to die and almost succeeded in doing it. At the time it seemed the only way out, I couldn't bear the pain a moment longer. But when the anti-depressants kicked in I looked back and thanked God I didn't kill myself. When we're in these terrifying places it seems that it will always be like that, that we're failures, etc. It isn't true. What I did was decide to not kill myself TODAY until I got the help I needed.

1) call someone, anyone and talk about it 2) get to a doctor and ask for recommendation for shrink 3) go out and try fast walking (it does help depression) or go to the movies, a mall. When we isolate our misery magnifies.

You had a very brutal childhood (as I did). We're survivors. God bless you.

[Wilted Rose]

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. I have talked to my Doctor after the assault. He didn't offer any suggestions to me. He almost made me feel embarrassed. If that makes sense. I can't bring myself to go to him for help now. I have been trying my hardest to seek out therapy. I have been googling like a crazy lady. I can't afford $180/sessions with people who specialize in BPD. I tried another place today. It's just for counseling. I don't believe they are trained psychologists but I thought if I could just get help with my self esteem and anxiety that maybe it will get me to a better functioning state to be able to sort out what I need to do. They turned me away because my mental health issues are to severe. You are right, I am a survivor and I will keep trying.

It's nice to have a place to go where I can read about other people's troubles and not feel alone.

Thank you

[kiki86]

sounds like you've been through the mill. it's terrible that you can't participate in the programme if you don't fulfill all those requirements. who exactly do they think needs therapy!!

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by kiki86

sounds like you've been through the mill. it's terrible that you can't participate in the programme if you don't fulfill all those requirements. who exactly do they think needs therapy!!

Geez---the worried well?!

I completely agree!

What kind of fantasy do these program people live?!

Billi

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Welcome, Wilted Rose.

I hope you bloom here at PC into a full rose again.

So sorry you had such a hard time with therapy, too.

I got turned away as well.

Over and over again.

Billi

[Wilted Rose]

Hi KiKi86 and Billi leli, thanks for the welcome. It's nice to have people that I can relate too finally. Our mental health system is outrageous. I understand that you have to be somewhat stable going into that kind of intense therapy. It's 18 weeks, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Basically a full time job. What makes me so mad is that I asked for her help to get me ready for this and she decided that she didn't need to see me anymore. I had two months before the program started. I think that she already had it in her head that she couldn't help me so why bother trying? I don't know if that's BPD thinking. That was 5 months ago and I'm still upset about it. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm dwelling. It just seems to me that in my area people who suffer from depression or anxiety have an easy time getting treatment. Don't get me wrong, I am not trivializing depression, I am suffering from it it right now but the second you throw BPD in there even the mental health people run away from it. Are we really that difficult?

I'm curious to know if anyone else has encountered these same issues.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Wilted Rose

Hi KiKi86 and Billi leli, thanks for the welcome. It's nice to have people that I can relate too finally. Our mental health system is outrageous. I understand that you have to be somewhat stable going into that kind of intense therapy. It's 18 weeks, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Basically a full time job. What makes me so mad is that I asked for her help to get me ready for this and she decided that she didn't need to see me anymore. I had two months before the program started. I think that she already had it in her head that she couldn't help me so why bother trying? I don't know if that's BPD thinking. That was 5 months ago and I'm still upset about it. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm dwelling. It just seems to me that in my area people who suffer from depression or anxiety have an easy time getting treatment. Don't get me wrong, I am not trivializing depression, I am suffering from it it right now but the second you throw BPD in there even the mental health people run away from it. Are we really that difficult?

I'm curious to know if anyone else has encountered these same issues.

Like I said, I got turned away over and over again.

I did go to a treatment program for almost ten years and it did not really help. I had gotten diagnosed there with bpd in 2001, but only had a little bit of DBT from a counselor who started it out of the goodness of her heart. She had left by the time I left.

It will be some time I fear before professionals stop treating us like we are incurable (my opinion) but I do have a little hope. They used to feel this way about other mental illnesses, too. They used to think depression was some moral problem and solved only by "snapping out of it".

Right now, I am not in any therapy and I am attempting to deal with it by saturating my mind with lots of information about emotion regulation, trauma recovery and behavioral awareness.

PC is also helping me very much to feel validated and hopeful, esp this bpd forum.

Billi

[Wilted Rose]

There is definetly a stigma that comes with BPD and it's as if the professionals don't even understand it. If we were so incurable then why would we work so hard at getting better? It doesn't help the we already fear abandonment, I find for myself that it's even worse when I feel abandoned by the mental health community because if they won't help me then honestly who will?

I have a story now.. A couple of days ago I phoned a counseling place. They don't have psychologists but they do help with self esteem and anxiety. I thought If I could get in there and talk things out that maybe I could get into a better state of functioning to figure out what to do. The rejected me because I was mentally ill. Yesterday I had called the mental health crisis line. The lady on the other end was ignorant and rude to me. I told her that I needed help and what was going on in my life and that I am BPD. Once I told her I was BPD that's when she really turned rude. Her response was "well what exactly do want then?" and "Do you even know what BPD is?" Then forced me to describe it. At the end of the convo she says call your family doctor that's where you start and then ended the conversation. I was kind of stunned and emotionally drained. lol, so I took a nap. When I got up I decided to call victims services which all the pyschs were telling me to call. This person was a lot nicer but couldn't help me other then giving me phone numbers including to the counseling place that had rejected me the day before and to the mental health clinic that I feel ditched me as well as another number I wasn't even going to bother calling because I felt like what's the point. I did call and the lady on the other end was the nicest stranger I have talked to in a very long time. She listened to me, let me cry and told me I had every right to be upset. The way she spoke to me, I finally felt like somebody was hearing me. I can't even describe the feeling to you. Anyway, she is going to find me a psychologist I don't think they specialize in BPD but it's a start at least. They have what's called a sliding scale so it's only going to cost me $20/session. I have lost my trust in psychologists so I'm not going to be going in there expecting this person to be just as nice. I actually feel like it will go just the opposite but the fact that I had to work so hard just to find help will make me go and give it an honest try.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Wilted Rose

I did call and the lady on the other end was the nicest stranger I have talked to in a very long time. She listened to me, let me cry and told me I had every right to be upset. The way she spoke to me, I finally felt like somebody was hearing me. I can't even describe the feeling to you. Anyway, she is going to find me a psychologist I don't think they specialize in BPD but it's a start at least. They have what's called a sliding scale so it's only going to cost me $20/session. I have lost my trust in psychologists so I'm not going to be going in there expecting this person to be just as nice. I actually feel like it will go just the opposite but the fact that I had to work so hard just to find help will make me go and give it an honest try.

I am happy for you that you had not exhausted all your resources. I have exhausted mine though.

It really is important when somene LISTENS!

I have called everyone that I have been referred to. They all have not been able or willing to deal with me. The only DBT clinic in my area/city that covers poor people does not serve ppl in my zip code!

I am glad that not every mental health person is rude or dispassionate. I am happy to hear about a positive experience.

I pray I can still find it again someday. If someone ever does offer me therapy, I will consider it. I am just tired of going to dry wells and banging my head against impenetrable walls and screaming at deaf ears.

Billi

[Wilted Rose]

That's awful. All you do is try to do what you can to get better and nobody will help you. You would think by now with all of the knowledge and studies done about mental illness that help would be easy to obtain. It's unfair that people who truly want to get better can't because there is no help out there. It's maddening! I actually think that it's gotten worse. I remember how easy it was to get into a hospital if you needed. I don't know about your area but mine you can't even get into a hospital if you are suicidal. They will declare you certifiable, hold you in a room for 24 hours and let you go. No wonder there is such a high suicidal rate in mental illness. It's just ridiculous!