Rejection is a blessing

I can't believe I did this.

I logged on to a Russian site right before my birthday last weekend.

I wanted to chat with some Russian men and/or meet them in my city.

Some answered and then one did not email me and I saw his ad on the site, saying, "Serious women only!" right after i did not hear from him.

Then I tried to email the other 2 and they did not answer.

Some more wanted me to sponsor them in Russia. I had to tell them I could not travel.

I told another I did not drink.

Another that I did not want to get married.

I then told them all politely, "Thank you for your time. I guess I am not what you all are looking for. I am going to leave now."

And I deleted my account.

Rejection is a blessing.

I am not ready or equipped to deal with more drama!

But I am still addicted to it.

Andy and I have been split up for a while now and I am so lonely.

Last night was the only decent night's sleep I had.

Now, since I made the mistake of letting myself be rejected tonight by total strangers, I don't know if I can sleep.

I hurt so much.

I am so lonely.

I am safe.

Just really bummed out.

My mentor said, "Rejection is a blessing."

Thank g*d for Ani.

Thank g8d for this board.

I resonate with anyone on here right now who is hurting as badly as I am now.

I can't believe I did this.

I know it's my very own fault.

I just wish I knew how to connect with ppl the right way!

Or just have nice quiet normal nights alone.

Billi

thanks strato for the hug.

I am so tired and I still don't want to go to bed and know how much I hurt.

I feel so less alone when I am reading others' struggles.

B.

Hey Billi,

Hugs are definitely in order

I understand totally. I've faced similar circumstances in which the rejection was a direct cause of something I did! I went out with this girl, didn't really want to, she thought I was all that. She called me a lot, we spent some time together ate spaghetti, went for drinks, had a good time etc. (For the record I'm female, I'm a lesbian. If anyone thought I was a dude, I'm not.)

Anyway, I just stopped answering her calls, but saw her a few weeks later out in town...She saw me and didn't acknowledge me. I walked right up to her (with my instincts telling me otherwise) and said "why didn't you come and say hi?" and she replied with "uh...you're kidding right? I'm with my date...bye!" I felt incredibly rejected and betrayed, ashamed, angry and stupid!

I put myself in that situation, yet I couldn't help but feel rejected and abandoned, hurt and lonely.

"Rejection is a blessing..." this could very much be true, I mean, without it I would never be able to look at myself and figure that something wasn't quite right. Why am I constantly being rejected? Without rejection I would have no real need to learn to love myself. Without it, I may end up with someone I really wouldn't want to be with.

I understand your grief and frustration billi. It may not seem as if your lonliness will subside, it encompasses everything...Your mentor sounds like a great person that you can talk to, though. And you also have a lot of support here, we understand your feelings. And let me assure you, I've been there...hopefully you can find comfort in knowing you may feel lonely, but you are never alone.
Best wishes.

You don't have to answer this.

Why did you stop answering her calls?

I am asking this because sometimes, in my bpd mind, I hear a voice that says, "You really don't need this person." or "Why are you bothering this person?" or "If you keep associating with this person, they will get sick of you." etc.

And then I stop associating with them. I am learning this is part of my bpd; Sabotage.

Just my own experience.

You can answer or not. You may have other reasons why you did not answer her calls.

We learn from our mistakes.

There is always "living amends", where we can try again with another situation and avoid that mistake if we can.

this is a growing experience.

Billi

Hey billi,

Why did I stop answering her calls. Good question, billi. I don't mind answering this at all...
I guess I just thought she was too nice. Sounds crazy, but I did. She was kind, sincere and really thought I was cool! I just knew I would screw it up. I was drinking heavily at this point, undiagnosed, somewhat recently just got out of a pretty volatile relationship. She was a bit younger and innocent and I knew if I was involved it would turn into a mess. It was self-sabotage to save myself and another person (rejection is a blessing?) God forbid I was happy..

Yes, I am slowly working toward being at a point where I can live my amends with integrity and consistency. This will be a thrilling experience when I get there...for now, I'm not...but I haven't done this particular thing again at least. lol.

Yep, I know... we think we don't deserve it! It's so hard to *bear* it when someone loves us or is nice to us!

In my Self Help group, one of the readings I read says something in the vein of "...distorted perceptions...of positivity..." in other words, "Why are they so nice to me?" and "What do you want from me?"

In my life, I have felt like people have had ulterior motives for complimenting me (esp cause I am a woman) because they either have an insane crush on me (lol) or because they want something from me, or because they must be "sick" to like me!

I think it's because I just never felt lovable as a human being, always as some romantic figure or some specimen someone had to control.

Another thing, I feel pressured when someone is nice to me. How are they going to be if they see me for everything I am? I cannot bear the pain of that.

For me, I need to learn how to cope with rejection if that happens. And it's a struggle.

just my thoughts.

So, it's very easy for me to sabotage friendships and love relationships.

Billi

Likewise. I will ruin it anyway. Then I won't just have one hurting person, but two...The distorted perceptions of positivity sound about right. Also, you mentioned you never thought you were lovable, I relate to this. I fortunately have a partner who is a constant fixture of approval and support. I can't help but wonder sometimes if she is a masochist for sticking with me all these years. heh...

This also brings me back to thinking about invalidation. If we were never validated as being lovable we thus have a poor sense of ourselves as lovable.

For instance, I was constantly criticized as a kid and my emotions were inconvenient and punishable by law...My very core and sense of 'lovable self' was invalid...thus I'm invalid to even myself. (Not that I blame or resent anyone for 'doing it to me' but I can't help but think that it's a common theme for people like us)..Can you relate at all? Does this make any sense?

I agree with both of you. I'd been rejected from a very early age by parents, relatives, my first friends, that I can't have a "normal" friendship. I honestly don't know what that is. The sad thing in my case is looking back on it, I've rejected a number of people in last ten, fifteen years or so without even realizing it or knowing why. I lost my "best friend" in college for the same reason. I drove my husband totally crazy for ten years or more before all these feeling went away with him. I couldn't let it develop with anyone. Not only did I unconsciously know I'd be rejected, but in some back reaches of my mind, I knew I would cause it. I noticed, belatedly, how this last friendship and abandonment developed. It was all me and BPD. At first I did my best to push away, to reject, and when he was able to get through all of that and get me to trust him, I became clingy, manipulative, and demanding. I'm not blaming myself...I'm blaming my mom and the BPD, and I know I'll never be able to have a healthy friendship without getting this worked out. On one hand, I wish I had rejected him at the beginning. I hadn't had a friend in probably 20 or more years and even though I was lonely, I could cope with the BPD most of the time. It would have been a blessing. However, if I hadn't had this experience, I would never have found out about BPD (he discovered it) and I would have eventually found myself in the same situation with no answers and only heartbreak. Even though it's been heartbreaking and hard to deal with, it has given me the hope that it can eventually be conquered. Here's to hope that that happens one day.