Sliding in to the Abyss

I've done so well for the past several weeks, month or so
Occasional slide, a few hours, an occasional sleepless night kept awake by my never-ending turbulent thoughts but that's it. Handling things fairly well, or so I thought.
It felt good answering threads, appearing to help people, being able to say I understand without being in the depths of despair myself.
It's strange how the mind works. When I feel bad, it seems never ending, so painful, in total anguish. When I feel okay, even good on occasion, it's so easy to pretend the despair wasn't real. I convince myself that I'm healing, getting better, it won't return.
But it always does, it has.
I know I'm not alone in my despair, but I feel so lonely
I want to reach out for help, but to who?
He left me, completely vulnerable, the first person I'd trusted in ages. Why did I do it? I'd been fine.....for years. Lonely, true, but in control. Problems? Sure, but I could deal. I could cope. I had for so long. He stripped that from me. Now I'm nothing but a worthless shell trying to hold on for dear life.
Why have I felt somewhat okay recently? The move? Being constantly busy? Must be. Now my life is settling down and it's all returning with a vengeance.
I can't let this destroy me. My family is depending on me. But how? At times, I don't even feel like I care. Just let them all go to hell.
I have to survive, but how? How can I stop the slide downward? How have I stopped it before? Tonight, I was putting away some medicines from a box and came across a sleeping pill I was prescribed years ago when I had knee replacement surgery. I found myself Googling what I would need to overdose, to stop this madness, to stop the pain.
When I was young, I was or tried to be religious. It was a way to escape my problems. With my mom, from being bullied at school. It gave me a small amount of comfort among all the craziness. I have tried, over and over again, and I cannot regain that comfort. What God would allow such injustice? Allow ANYONE to hurt so?
I am sorry for my rant, my vent, my friends. It is the only release I have. The only thing that is keeping me from total despair.

carm,
Gosh, I'm sorry you're hurting so bad...
I know many of us are here for you and we understand, this you already know. You are not alone, this you already know. Your needs for support will be met, but again, you already know this...
Ranting, or venting is healthy. It does feel as if progress often slips back into that dark place. No way out, except those horrible thoughts keep leading us to...escape? the horrible alternative?...you know this, too. You are in it.
Our pain is added to more pain and suffering...our suffering leads to more suffering.
What I enjoy so far about DBT is it's eastern philosophical roots:
(Taken from a Buddhist site)
"Mindfulness may be described as the process of bearing something in mind, an awareness which does not drift along the surface of things but is a thorough observation, observing without judgment, without habitual reaction or compulsion, but clearly acknowledges what is actually there in the flow of experience, noting its nature...By strengthening mindfulness through meditation and maintaining mindfulness in daily life there develops a deep insight into the impermanence of phenomena...
The result is a state of being where there is no need to react to the craving, as one knows it, like everything else, will in its own time cease to be."

Remember, friend, this too shall pass...
If you once sought comfort in spirituality, perhaps you can delve deeper into this. I identify with many Christian, Buddhist, and new age beliefs. These beliefs often give me great comfort...if I'm present to them (which I'm generally not).

Sitting quietly in our own emotions and thoughts is SO devastatingly uncomfortable...a person without BPD could never understand. You may not be asking for unwarranted advice, so I can simply acknowledge your feelings, relate (I have been there many times before and still struggle) and reassure you that these feelings aren't permanent.

Remind yourself how hard you are working (you are inspiring me to work harder for one thing! I'm actually reading DBT stuff and I'm the procrastinator extraordinaire ) and you help many people around here. However, reassurance may not help you either, but I can offer it nonetheless.

Buddhist philosophy suggest we can end our own suffering via unconditional love. Christian philosophy says that we can end our suffering via God (who represents unconditional love). Certain energy and chakra based new age philosophy asserts that we end suffering via tapping into our 'postive and compassionate' energy and sending it outward via unconditional love. My program of recovery from alcoholism states that I can heal via service to others without asking anything in return (a form of unconditional love and compassion).

Before I can find unconditional love (toward myself, the world, others), I first have to accept that I don't have it, I am in pain. I have to accept that I can't change things that happened. Things I did or things that happened to me are out of my control. If I feel pain, this will cause more pain and it will perseverate on and on and on...suffering will continue and cause even more. I have to accept that I am in pain before I can change it (even if I can't do it without judgement yet) the same way I had to accept that I am an alcoholic before I could do anything about it. (This sucks, I want to change it, I don't know how, but it sucks. It's there...)

You are accepting this, you're already doing it. Okay so we know we have a problem, we know there's a possible solution. We know it takes work, but that really doesn't help us. We're on the right track, but boom, our thoughts go back to that horrible thing, our emotions take over, our whole world is clouded in these thoughts...they hang over us when we wake up...Now we feel even worse. There must be a way to escape these feelings. But there isn't, but there is...
These feelings and thoughts are here right now, they're so uncomfortable and painful. And that's the answer. Simply sitting, breathing, quietly, feeling the pain, knowing the pain, accepting the pain...Label it "oh thats here right now, that pain." We don't have to do anything about it right now. Just know it's there, nothing can change the things that have happened. The future and past are irrelevent. I am uncomfortable. I am sad. I am hurt. I am in pain. I want it to end...it will, but I can't deny it. (The same way I can't deny my alcoholism). Denial is cause to drag past pain and future worry with us...acceptance is cause to be it and experience it. We're human afterall...pain is inevitable. It will abate on its own. I don't have to make a rash decision about how I am going to deal with this pain in a week or an hour. I dont have to deal with it at all. Just experience it.
You're already doing it! (By talking with us and seeing it and feeling it.) You've just given us a great gift.
(Sorry this is ridiculously long...)

Carmasia, I am glad you are telling us how you are doing.

You never have to apologize for that.

I am sorry that the bpd is manifesting itself again.

I hate bpd.

I hate how sneaky it is. And I hate how "non pwbpd's" say that I will always be this way because it's always dormant, waiting to strike.

Take heart, stay with us, keep posting.

We care.

B.

Thank you both for your understanding and kind words of encouragement. Feel a little better today, but being careful. Don't want to do anything to cause me to slide. I know I don't need to give an explanation or an apology, but I can't break old habits.....feelings don't mean anything, wasting other's time, invalidation, must apologize. Been doing it my entire life; can't stop now, even among people who "get it". I'm sure it makes me look weak and uncertain among people who don't understand, but when have I ever been certain or stood up for myself? I stand up for myself only to ask for forgiveness a few minutes later.... I'll be alright. I'll survive, this round.

Your words stuck a cord with me carmasia,
Most people have no idea in the way we feel....your words summed up how we feel every waking moment of our lives. We cant let our guard down not even for one second for fear of retreating back into that black abyss of fear....i know the feeling so well and it truly scares me. One moment I think Im coping and then the next everything seems to be falling around me. I feel as though I have no control over my thoughts and my feelings....

Dont ever feel alone carmasi, we all know what your going through....thinking positive thoughts for you xxx

Glad you're feeling a bit better today

I find it easier to advise others not to apologize and yet I still feel like I have to do it all the time, too. Cause I still feel like a waste of time and space. One of the many reasons I quit therapy was because they told me this. I was a "waste of time and energy" and they "needed to make room and time for more hardworking, deserving people".

Billi

They are few and far between, but you, I, all of us, need to find a therapist who specializes in BPD. Most therapists, like most people, don't get it and a lot of older therapists basically believe that we're lost causes. I've seen a lot of websites that basically say that, and when I went to a therapist and asked to be tested for BPD, they basically refused saying that we had to look at other options first because "BPD is almost impossible to treat". Biggest reason I could find for this theory is that some of us are known to turn on our therapists and a lot of therapists are not willing to take the risk. Isn't part of the whole relationship issues thing? When I searched for books on BPD, it was very difficult to find any directed towards the sufferer. Most were directed towards the family and friends of BPD sufferers and a lot of them said it not so many words that if you have a loved-one with BPD you're a goner. Isn't nice to know that we're so abhorred by most of the psychiatric community?

Respectfully, I am NOT beating my head against a wall to find one! I already tried.

thanks,

Billi

It is nice. (lol)

This is why I stopped trying for now. I did not find anyone within my means, within my area, or within my diagnosis.

I am so thankful I have a gift of knowledge of BPD and of myself and I am genuinely concerned for those who are less fortunate and more desperate for help who are not getting any for above reasons.

I realize that BPD is getting more known and more pro's are learning about it, but the time is not now. In my city, it still is embryonic knowledge and not within my financial means.

Sorry to be harsh and/or act like someone with an attitude. But it's the truth. I am exhausted of chasing my lost cause, therapy (for the moment).

when I see ads on tv about BPD (for the sufferer, not just for the "non") and when I see more evidence that BPD is being treated more, in the poor community, not just the well to do community, etc., maybe I will try again. Idk.

Billi

I get it and I don't blame you, particularly if you've already been down that road. I never even heard of the disorder until this past February, and the instant I did and saw the traits, I knew I'd discovered what I'd been struggling with my entire life. And I also feel for those who are struggling against an unknown foe. So many people have BPD and don't have a clue, often because of the preconceived notions many "professionals" have of the disorder. There are supposedly as many BPDs out there as there are Bipolars, but almost EVERYONE has heard of Bipolar and very, very few have heard of BPD. That's partially why, when someone finds this forum and wants help or info, I try to offer that. It's hell feeling alone. I just have to be careful because I empathize with people very easily and don't need to trigger myself.....

This is so wonderful *deep sarcasm*... but TRUE! I don't mean to offend anyone by saying this, but I believe that BPD is the most stigmatized mental illness that there is!

Firstly, it is nearly impossible for us to receive treatment because psychiatrists have heard from other psychiatrists to stay far away from us. Any potential therapeutic or personal relationship is already in jeopardy before it has even developed because of the stigma! Friends, family, therapists, coworkers will already have their defenses up. Perhaps 'statistics' show this disorder to be 'untreatable' because no one is getting treated to begin with and others are subsequently afraid to ask for help!!!

Oh, I also found it hysterical browsing book selections one day, check this out:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Borde...t+a+borderline

Okay, so this book is clearly about an exorcism and not about a horrible psychological disorder that causes real people, real pain! This quote for instance is golden: "This is a must read for anyone who wants to "protect" themselves, their children, or their loved ones from such a personality." Better stay far away, because we're psychological vampires with Wolverine claws. Luckily reviewers at Amazon have more intelligence to give this pathetic excuse for psychological "literature" (I just threw up a little) anything more than a sorry excuse for a paperweight (provided that it has more than 10 pages).

Oh yes, has anyone seen the film 'Fatal Attraction', which supposedly portrays the 'classic Borderline personality' in character form? I didn't relate to this character at all, considering I'm not a psychopath!

I am like you ladies in the sense that I have to apologize incessantly despite my knowledge not to. I apologize for the cynicism but this really gets me irritated.Whether I find successful treatment or not, it is my personal goal to break down at least a few bricks in the impenetrable walls caused by this awful stigma.

I totally agree strato. Its misleading rubbish such as the book you pointed out which leads society to think that we are a bunch of crazed maniacs that their children need to be protected by? What an absolute crock!!!

OMG This thread is just Sooo close! I can't express myself the way you all can, Carmasia you cerainly are not alone when there are so many kind people on PC, we borderliners? really think alike don't we , hang in there

Yes we do. Amazingly so. Even though I still have bad moments everyday and sometimes bad days periods evidenced by how this thread started, knowing that you're not alone has made a gigantic difference. I know if it wasn't for my amazing luck in finding PC, I would still be in the midst of what seemed like a never ending bout of anxiety, depression, and manic feelings due to an abandonment more than two months old. I am not over it by a long shot, but I feel like I'm finally healing thanks to all the kind people on PC.

Thanks.

It's okay.

I understand.

Billi