Forgive me, if this turns out to be a long ramble

So I have posted previously, that I have been separated (divorcing in March) from my wife since March of this year. My life since then has been full of chaos and challenges, mostly financially. Recently things have picked up just a little with help from the people that are in the hotel where I live, but I know that this is not the end of my challenges. I am looking forward with a bit of hope now.

I'm posting under the subject of being alone, because as it relates to my Dx of BPD, I'm wondering some things. Since things have gotten slightly better, I've been able to see things a little differently. For awhile, being alone was a major nightmare for me and very difficult to accept. I'm beginning to come to terms with the idea now. Not that I want to be alone so much but that there's not a pressing need anymore to find someone so I don't feel so lonely. Granted, I still have some nights I wish I had someone to share it with but for the most part, I'm at the point where if I were to make a choice to be with someone, I'd rather it take a long tme and be the right person than jump into a relationship in a hurry and find out later I'm miserable again.

I've noticed something and it makes me wonder. I've never been alone for very long, always jumped into a new relationship as soon as the opportunity arose. What I am wondering is, since being alone for awhile, my BPD traits are minimal. Not that I think they are gone, but without a relationship, I'm finding that some traits that were so strong in the marriage have gone dormant for the most part. Of course, abandonment issues are the most noticeable ones that aren't nagging at me as much. Are relationship matters the most influential on the BPD person? At this point, I wonder how much of BPD is really simply brought on by relationships, love, and dependency themselves. I wonder sometimes, if only for a moment, if being alone, I might be happier. Of course, that is followed up with all the thoughts of the good things that come from being with someone, caring for them, and sharing in everyday life. So I know I'll probably never choose to be alone for good, but for now, I am just a little content.

I guess what it comes down to is, I'm sure I'll want to be in a relationship again, but I need to figure out waht kind of lady I would want to be with. One that understands my personality, my fears and insecurities and cares enough to accept them. They say one should never "walk on eggshells" for the BPD person, but on another hand I wonder, maybe it's not that they shouldn't do that so much as BPD people need to find partners that know of their issues and will be sensitive to those needs? I wonder if BPD isn't so much of a personality disorder as it is just simply a certain type of person with certain needs, just like any other person, who also has specific needs and wants. Am I really afflicted with a disorder or have I just picked the wrong people to be with?

Ok this is turning into a long ramble, and I thought it might but I had to get out some things that have been on my mind.

[dmliddicoat16]

I'm young, and not even sure I have BPD, but in my experience, I have experienced symptoms much like BPD with or without a partner. I remember when I broke up with a bf that I dated for a long time and lived with that at first, I was like you. I hated being alone, felt an acute sense of abandonment, and I was afraid. But after that went away (never did completely tho) I could feel the relief of being without that person, tho I still had my issues, I think that the relief just was a new, and welcoming feeling that was much appreciated. I still struggle with my emotions tho, even when I'm alone.

[dmliddicoat16]

Btw I love ur cute anime kitty pic!

You've described my situation almost exactly. I am married relatively successfully but it took a looong time to get that way. I pushed and pulled and clung and was manipulative for close to ten years before it settled down. I honestly don't know why I wasn't left in the cold during that time. I drove my husband crazy and he had every right to not deal with it, but he did. Things aren't perfect now, but things in that aspect have settled down and I still start arguments and am emotional at times but he has become used to it and knows when you back off for a while.

Now...as long as I don't attempt to start any other relationships, I'm fine. The problems are there but I can cope most of the time. When I get in to a relationship, all of that crap starts over.....and all of the problems come back. I want to have friends, have a healthy relationship, but it is not worth the problems it causes, not worth the push-pull, the clinginess, and the manipulation that comes out with it, and worse, the eventual abandonment since most people just won't put up with it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to have another healthy relationship. I'm hoping since I've made this realization that maybe I can work it out...who knows? Only time will tell....but I definitely can't afford to try right now.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

but I need to figure out waht kind of lady I would want to be with. One that understands my personality, my fears and insecurities and cares enough to accept them.

A lot of BPD for me is all-or-none tendencies; wanting to be with someone, wanting to be alone it's my tendency to think in dichotomies.

People don't have "kinds". Individuals are themselves and we relate to them as ourselves; when we are in a relationship, the problems we have with others are our problems, not the other person's! The other person's problems with us are their problems, not ours. How you view and relate to another is a function of your own likes, dislikes, personality, background, etc. It is not up to another person to understand us, that's not their job; we have to understand and work with ourselves, not the other person and vice versa.

Yes, you want to be with someone who accepts you are you are but you are not static! You are growing (or withering) and changing, etc. all the time. But, if you think about it, wanting to be with someone who accepts you is not a individual concept; it is what everyone wants? Who wants to be with someone who doesn't accept them? You wouldn't hook up and be with that kind of person!

But if you do not care for and accept yourself and know what you are about and what work you are doing growing and changing, etc., how can you judge how another is accepting or not accepting you? Bad behavior is never acceptable. Wanting someone to "chase after" you when you're in a mood and being disappointed that they do not, that's bad behavior on your part and I don't want another person who puts up with that? Someone who does not think well enough of themselves that they will put up with your bad behavior and not call you on it; do you really want to be with that kind of person? Little kids tell their mother they "hate" her when she says/does something they don't like and the mother puts up with it, sees the situation as an adult but adults should not relate to one another that way?

Originally Posted by Perna

A lot of BPD for me is all-or-none tendencies; wanting to be with someone, wanting to be alone it's my tendency to think in dichotomies.

People don't have "kinds". Individuals are themselves and we relate to them as ourselves; when we are in a relationship, the problems we have with others are our problems, not the other person's! The other person's problems with us are their problems, not ours. How you view and relate to another is a function of your own likes, dislikes, personality, background, etc. It is not up to another person to understand us, that's not their job; we have to understand and work with ourselves, not the other person and vice versa.

Yes, you want to be with someone who accepts you are you are but you are not static! You are growing (or withering) and changing, etc. all the time. But, if you think about it, wanting to be with someone who accepts you is not a individual concept; it is what everyone wants? Who wants to be with someone who doesn't accept them? You wouldn't hook up and be with that kind of person!

But if you do not care for and accept yourself and know what you are about and what work you are doing growing and changing, etc., how can you judge how another is accepting or not accepting you? Bad behavior is never acceptable. Wanting someone to "chase after" you when you're in a mood and being disappointed that they do not, that's bad behavior on your part and I don't want another person who puts up with that? Someone who does not think well enough of themselves that they will put up with your bad behavior and not call you on it; do you really want to be with that kind of person? Little kids tell their mother they "hate" her when she says/does something they don't like and the mother puts up with it, sees the situation as an adult but adults should not relate to one another that way?

Well I agree and disagree with you on different points here. I agree with you to a point, I guess. There is a balance to be found between finding someone that accepts and supports you and your weaknesses and someone that allows you to manipulate them and walk all over them.

I guess I should try to clarify my point on the acceptance and supportiveness of a partner. Someone that understands that one has abandonment issues should not go out of their way and sacrifice things in themselves in order to avoid those behaviors but... if there are things they do that trigger this abandonment that is on their part something they can sacrifice, they should be willing to. I, being the one with the issues have to deal with my own fears of abandonment, of course but it is a two way street. I don't know if I'll ever be completely free of these fears so finding someone that truly will bend a little (not changing completely for me, mind you) will be much better than what I've experienced, in partners that completely lack the willingness to meet in the middle at all.

I didn't mean to make it sound like I should find someone that would mold to my behavior completely.

Originally Posted by dmliddicoat16

Btw I love ur cute anime kitty pic!

I love kitty girl animes like that I'm an anime geek somewhat.

Originally Posted by dmliddicoat16

I'm young, and not even sure I have BPD, but in my experience, I have experienced symptoms much like BPD with or without a partner. I remember when I broke up with a bf that I dated for a long time and lived with that at first, I was like you. I hated being alone, felt an acute sense of abandonment, and I was afraid. But after that went away (never did completely tho) I could feel the relief of being without that person, tho I still had my issues, I think that the relief just was a new, and welcoming feeling that was much appreciated. I still struggle with my emotions tho, even when I'm alone.

I got over my ex and I felt relief as soon as about 3 weeks later, but the alone part has been hard. I don't fear as much as I just simply would rather be going through life sharing it with someone rather than alone. Everything is better when you're sharing it with someone. It also helps I have my 2 boys with me all the time at home. I'm not completely alone so that might be part of why I can handle it a little better.

Originally Posted by Maranara

When I get in to a relationship, all of that crap starts over.....and all of the problems come back. I want to have friends, have a healthy relationship, but it is not worth the problems it causes, not worth the push-pull, the clinginess, and the manipulation that comes out with it, and worse, the eventual abandonment since most people just won't put up with it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to have another healthy relationship. I'm hoping since I've made this realization that maybe I can work it out...who knows? Only time will tell....but I definitely can't afford to try right now.

That is what I'm afraid of. I don't want to find myself in the same situation and doing the same things again...

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

That is what I'm afraid of. I don't want to find myself in the same situation and doing the same things again...

Since you are aware you are doing it, you may be able to work it out of you, through reading about it, therapy, meditation, whatever. Once you realize it, there is hope of conquering it. For many, many years I was doing this and didn't even realize it. Now THAT'S sad!

[powertools321]

Originally Posted by Maranara

Since you are aware you are doing it, you may be able to work it out of you, through reading about it, therapy, meditation, whatever. One you realize it, there is hope of conquering it. For many, many years I was doing this and didn't even realize it. Now THAT'S sad!

I didn't realize it for many years so I guess I'm sad with you!

[powertools321]

Hi s4ndm4n2006, Like Mara I'm also currently married and surprised that she has put up with me thru all the crap I have put her thru. I remember when I was single that I didn't have all the issues either and I think it was because there wasn't anyone their to "let me down" on my expectations. I think I would always expect things "should" be this way, or they "should" know that without me telling them. Basically a whole lot of distortions kicking in because there was somebody else to interact with, and when they aren't there, there is no sense that you are not being validated. I think that even though your BPD symptoms are decreased it is still very worth while to work on the skills to help with them so if you get into another relationship you can help yourself and at the same time objectively help the other person understand what is going on. I know I have always wondered if a person with BPD was in a relationship with someone else who had BPD how it would work, I know my T say's to not go there.

Originally Posted by powertools321

Hi s4ndm4n2006, Like Mara I'm also currently married and surprised that she has put up with me thru all the crap I have put her thru. I remember when I was single that I didn't have all the issues either and I think it was because there wasn't anyone their to "let me down" on my expectations. I think I would always expect things "should" be this way, or they "should" know that without me telling them. Basically a whole lot of distortions kicking in because there was somebody else to interact with, and when they aren't there, there is no sense that you are not being validated. I think that even though your BPD symptoms are decreased it is still very worth while to work on the skills to help with them so if you get into another relationship you can help yourself and at the same time objectively help the other person understand what is going on. I know I have always wondered if a person with BPD was in a relationship with someone else who had BPD how it would work, I know my T say's to not go there.

I'm 90% certain that the last person I attempted to have a friendship with was also BPD. It was nightmareish. We both constantly brought each other down, reached the crisis point at the same time on several occasions, the BPD stuff came back MUCH worse than it had in many, many years, and now, here I am.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I am learning to be okay with myself and meeting my own neediness before committing to others.

I seem to do much better alone. Although I do get lonely, as anyone else might. it's human to want love.

I had problems with relationships (friendships and love) because growing up,

1) I never learned to ask for anything or to take care of myself emotionally.

2) I looked to others for approval and I learned self hate.

3) I learned to be round about in my needs, not directly asking or even asking the person involved.

As a result I was so needy and dysfunctional that no one wanted to be with me.

In DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) self help site, I got a lot of information about how to deal with that; change that.

I want someone to understand (in a relationship) that pwbpds' (persons with bpd) are NOT hopeless, NOT untreatable, NOT permanently damaged or needy. They can be changed. They can have relationships. They can love and be loved! And if they cannot, I don't wish to deal with them, either. Persons who have an archaic attitude that pwbpd's are hopeless or cannot love do not have any use for me in relationships.

I don't expect them anymore to baby me. That is why I want to wait until I feel stable before getting involved in a relationship ever again. I am either okay alone or I feel okay with a man and I am treated right and I treat them right.

In self-analysis, I learned I was severely traumatized and shut down; my emotional growth was essentially stopped, esp from age I don't expect a man to be my father or a surrogate caregiver. But I can learn to love myself.

I was diagnosed with bpd in 2001 when my symptoms escalated---abandonment issues, neediness (extreme), stormy emotions, self-injury, etc.

I was also thrown out of the mental health system due to discrimination from this diagnosis, which caused me to work even harder at my issues.

there is hope for anyone.

thanks,

Carol

Originally Posted by powertools321

Hi s4ndm4n2006, Like Mara I'm also currently married and surprised that she has put up with me thru all the crap I have put her thru. I remember when I was single that I didn't have all the issues either and I think it was because there wasn't anyone their to "let me down" on my expectations. I think I would always expect things "should" be this way, or they "should" know that without me telling them. Basically a whole lot of distortions kicking in because there was somebody else to interact with, and when they aren't there, there is no sense that you are not being validated. I think that even though your BPD symptoms are decreased it is still very worth while to work on the skills to help with them so if you get into another relationship you can help yourself and at the same time objectively help the other person understand what is going on. I know I have always wondered if a person with BPD was in a relationship with someone else who had BPD how it would work, I know my T say's to not go there.

Well I look back on my marriage of 13 years and I do see how I contributed to the bad marriage but my situation is this, I was married to a woman who used me, controlled me and even if she didn't realize it, was the dominant partner in everything. She accused me of controlling her social life yet at the same time, what that social life clearly meant (toward the end it showed..) was that she wanted the attention of many men. This is probably my predicament, she has bipolar and is also dx'd with adhd. Every friend i know that is aware of my situation knows what I did for her for 13 years, going along with her, sacrificing my own needs for her to try and make her happy and all the while she had in her mind to go her own way eventually. I know I have issues, but I also know that it was not the real reason for the loss of my marriage. the fact that i was Dx'd with BPD just gave her an excuse to blame it all on me. Quite honestly, I'll take responsibility for my part but especially in marriage and divorce, it's never just one person and BPD people need to realize that even if our issues are severe, no single person can ruin a relationship, it always takes both. Never blame yourself for all of another's misery. I can't make you, her or anyone happy or unhappy. I can only care for and do the right thing when I know what that is. I don't always do so but I try.

Also the fact that she was threatening divorce from year one, kinda played into my worsening of abandonment issues.

I'm happy I'm getting a divorce, I have my boys with me because she lacks the skills or the motivation to get a job herself so she can see them take care of them or even be near them. I regret nothing about it.

And I repeat, I don't think any single BPD person is to blame for relationships failing. I just don't believe it.