[powertools321]

I wish I could write like some other people on here to express myself but I can't so I won't try. This time of year is always tough for me for a number of reasons. It's when the lack of sunlight affects me. It's the anniversary of when the harassment and retaliation I received at my last job caused my symptoms to become so bad that my doctor told me I could not return. This started a legal battle that lasted almost five years. Now yesterday my wife informed me that she can no longer do this, or wants to do this. Basically she told me that she wants to leave.
The night before last we got into a fight where I was trying to tell her that I feel like she seldom validates me. Her response to this was, exactly, I feel the same way. Either way, when the fight was over I left the house and almost committed suicide. I called my crisis hot line for the first time and talked to a guy that said a lot of garbage, but had a couple of nuggets of wisdom I could use.
Yesterday I saw my T and he almost committed me to the hospital, but I talked him out of it. I am currently staying at my brother and sister in law's house till after the weekend. I don't know what to do, my life as I know it is crumbling before my eyes and there is nothing I can do about it. I refuse to feel the pain because my emotions have done nothing but cause me pain. I hurt so much I can feel it in my stomach, throat and can hear my pulse in my head. I don't know if I can do this, or if I want to do this.
I feel like every time I try to do the right thing, people will applaud me for doing it and say they could never have done it, but it causes me pain and strife afterwards. I don't know, I just don't know if I can do this anymore.......

[AngelWolf3]

I am so sorry you are going through this. You need support right now and it sounds like the person one could normally turn to, your spouse, is not able to provide that. (I know that totally doesn't help) I just wanted you to know that your post got read, and I am sorry that this is the time of year that things happened at your job. I wish I had something completely awesome to say, but I don't. I just hope that you can hold on to those 'nuggets' and hopefully they can serve you...
and I think you did just fine expressing your thoughts/feelings (if ok)

[Scorpio Eyes]

Power, that's awful. I really wish I had the right words for this. I've got next to no wisdom for the kind of relationship problems you're having, but I do know a thing or two about the will to live. I won't lie and say it's an easy answer or a reasonable journey. When I tried to kill myself in July, I had to face myself in the mirror and decide why I would live. Maybe you can use my answer to. I am praying that I am wrong about this world. I don't believe I'll succeed but I'm going to try, anyway. Because, one day, maybe I'll get thrown a bone instead of just having my chain yanked. You'll never know unless you try, brother. Keep going until you can find a reason, until you can find your happiness. It's awful and being defeatistic is just something I think we all fall into; but never give up the hope of something more. Long is the way, and hard that out of Hell leads up to Light.

Power-- I'm so sorry you're in such a terrible situation, and that it's hitting you at a time of year when you're already vulnerable. I can't offer much except something that happened to me a couple of months ago. I was in a very dark place, my head filled with thoughts that I can usually hold at bay, and it suddenly came to me that "this isn't me," that the pain was in me but not me, that I couldn't let it win, and that pulled me out of the spiral. The pain isn't you. You are more than the pain-- much more, from what I see in your posts. Hold on. This may sound like standard inspirational boilerplate, but for some unknown reason it worked for me, and I hope it's of some use. My best thoughts to you.

Powertools, I say this from the heart. I totally understand and feel you. I have been separated from my wife since March. As I've mentioned too many times already but here I think it's appropriate. There was a time when I didn't think the pain would ever subside. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, let alone did I think there was even one. There is. Regardless of how it plays out, the depression, the loneliness and all that goes with a break up - especially a marriage, will go away. My situation specifics arent' relevant here, but just suffice to say it has been a pretty rough ride for quite some time. but the sun does shine again, the light will always return and I know that now. Hang in there.

One thing that helped me a lot was PC itself. I have met and talked with so many understanding and supportive people I must say I don't know how I would have made it without the people here. I would do everything I can to connect with your existing friends and/or make some on pc here. I'm sure you'll find people to help you. I know I will if you ask it. If you need to vent, if you need a shoulder, I'm one that is very close to the same situation and I will listen and do what I can to help you.

*hugs* Hope this helps.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I don't know what words to use to express my empathy.

Glad you talked to us.

Carol

[shezbut]

I'm sorry that you're facing such a challeging time, without the support of a key factor in your life. I can relate, as I'd imagine that many of us here often face situations like these. Good 'ol BPD! It can be so brutal at times.

Try to remind yourself of the many people in this world who also struggle with BPD, and somehow, we come up with non-detrimental coping techniques to help us fight the misery and terror inside.

Very gentle hugs to you ~ you're in my thoughts!

[ruby.lestrange]

I am so sorry that you're feeling like this, powertools. I probably don't have the right words, but I'm glad that you came here to talk it through.