[bluefish27]

Hi all. First time here. I came today because I just lost my millionth job, my marriage is falling apart, my house is a wreck, and I am not taking care of myself efficiently either. I really need support, guidance, and to not feel like I am alone with this anymore.
I have been struggling my whole life, anyone feel like that here ? Like they were cursed from the moment they were born, new problems just kept coming and old ones worsened?
I was diagnosed with ADD when I was a kid, but my father didn't believe I was and had my mother take me off the meds. Sometimes I still wonder if I am not struggling with it now.
I've always had emotional problems, I can remember being 12 the first time I thought about suicide, but I was just come down on hard until I behaved how my parents wanted me too. Everything blew up at 18 when I left home, I spiraled out of control and down hill quick and fast, like quick sand. I had no idea what had happened to me. Almost 10 years later I still feel shocked as if I have been riding in a tornado all this time.
Almost 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder, maybe? I say maybe because I told them I think I have it but it was really unclear to me if they agreed or even checked that part out. I was put on some meds (mood stabilizer, anti anxiety, and anti depressant) and went to a DBT group therapy. I didn't finish the 8 week therapy group because I wasn't getting anything out of it, I was just starting new drugs, I felt strange, I couldn't focus, and all the people in the group distracted me, most whom were there out of requirement of the court. I really need one on one but with out insurance wasn't going to get it. I stopped taking my meds about a year ago because after 9 months on them I saw no improvement. In fact I was just as depressed and even more agitated. I started taking St. John's Wort and am not sure if it helps or not.
Anyway, right now and at this point, I am totally confused about what is really going on with me and I am totally overwhelmed and I do not know where to turn and how to get real effective help...I don't know if I am Borderline and misdiagnosed as Bipolar, If I am bipolar and my past and current relationships make me feel as if I am Borderline, or if I am in fact both, I am not sure if I really do have PTSD or not and from which of the many traumas it came from and how its affecting me now or if it isn't. I don't know if I am in a bad relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner or if I am not understanding my partner and my illnesses has turned the relationship bad. I do not know if I really have ADD and if it is hurting my ability to function or not. I do not know what is wrong or how to change.
All I know is that everyday is hard and some days are a nightmare and I want it to stop.
Taking a shower is hard, cleaning is hard, cooking is hard, leaving the house is hard, sleeping is hard, waking up is hard, keeping a job seems impossible. My relationships are hard. I am in almost complete isolation and thats hard, but being with people is even harder. Controlling my emotions is hard, being happy is hard. I can go on and on...I just want a way out and I want to get better. But most of the time I lack the drive and motivation to continue doing the things I try to. I set goals for myself. Clean up the house a little each day, cook dinner each day, go for a walk each day, take better care of myself each day, or just keep a part time job and I might get motivated enough to do it for one or two days randomly here and there but I always always always end up back in the same pattern of sleeping all day, binging on junk food, watching movies all night, chain smoking and not doing a da**thing. I feel completely worthless and hopeless and I am deathly afraid that I will never get better, that I am one of those people that are a lost cause, treatment resistant, etc and that I'll end up killing myself slowly from my weight, inactivity, and smoking and or I will end up divorced, homeless, completely alone and never having accomplished anything in life or ever knowing peace, stability, happiness or love.
Anyone ever been where I am and get out of it ?
Sorry for the rambling. I don't know if its really appropriate or not, but kinda desperate for someone to hear me and to get answers. Thanks

[greyclouds]

Hey bluefish and welcome. ((Hugs))

I'm sorry you are feeling so worthless right now .
It's a horrible place. I'm not so much in that place at the moment.. I've been having a I'm almost in control time!! It's very tiring and a constant battle with my own thoughts and feelings.

Never knowing if there real or an illusion. They play tricks on me. So I'm trying not to ruin my happiness right now.

I don't really have great advice. I'm afraid. Just that I hear to listen and help where I can.
I'm sure the others in here will be able to help. This is a great group full of amazing people.

Big ((hugs)) I hope you find some motivation soon. Keep strong you will find it

[BorderlineMess]

Welcome bluefish! I don't know where you live, but you may want to check out the mental health facilities in your area. I know in my area, it's extremely discounted (like $1-5 a visit) and you get to see a therapist and a psychiatrist. It's state run so it's not the best, but it's better than nothing. They'll help you afford your medication and properly diagnose you. I'm thinking about going back to them, personally, because I lost my insurance when I changed jobs.

It's hard to take good care of ourselves, but it's so important. I know I struggle with it too. I basically have two jobs: school and work. And it's hard to make sure you eat right, get enough sleep, just the basics. It's doubly hard when you're also dealing with depression and/or BPD and/or bi polar. I know I was diagnosed once with Bipolar II but I've been mostly diagnosed with BPD by most of my doctors over the years. Bipolar looks similar to BPD in a lot of ways. It's why seeing a doctor is important. Both are difficult illnesses that should be addressed.

I know it's a silly saying, but take one day at a time. Sometimes I take it one hour at a time. Or even one minute, if I'm having an episode.

Take care (((hugs)))

Your story sounds similar to mine. In the sense that I have felt cursed my whole life. Many times wondering if I was a monster because I got no real answers about what was wrong with me until adulthood. Yet as far back as I can remember, I have known something wasn't right with the way I felt and acted.
I have wrecked many relationships throughout my life and problems just seemed to constantly come up.
Even without insurance, most states have programs through county hospitals to provide medication and DBT Therapy.
I would highly recommend DBT, even if you feel medication doesn't work for you. My DBT therapist always stressed that the therapy was vastly more important than medication to my recovery anyway.
With that being said, perhaps you just haven't found the right medication. I was on many different types throughout my life until I found what worked for me.
Lexapro (Escitalopram) 20 MG, starting dose was 10
Abilify (Aripiprizole) 2 MG
You may have to try all sorts of different ones until you find one that is effective for you.
Best of luck.

[bluefish27]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

Your story sounds similar to mine. In the sense that I have felt cursed my whole life. Many times wondering if I was a monster because I got no real answers about what was wrong with me until adulthood. Yet as far back as I can remember, I have known something wasn't right with the way I felt and acted.
I have wrecked many relationships throughout my life and problems just seemed to constantly come up.
Even without insurance, most states have programs through county hospitals to provide medication and DBT Therapy.
I would highly recommend DBT, even if you feel medication doesn't work for you. My DBT therapist always stressed that the therapy was vastly more important than medication to my recovery anyway.
With that being said, perhaps you just haven't found the right medication. I was on many different types throughout my life until I found what worked for me.
Lexapro (Escitalopram) 20 MG, starting dose was 10
Abilify (Aripiprizole) 2 MG
You may have to try all sorts of different ones until you find one that is effective for you.
Best of luck.

Thanks and glad you are doing well Best wishes !

[km27]

I'm sorry you lost your job. Been there. Been out of work going on a year now. Parents helping me out, feel sick every time I think about that. My childhood was similar with the ADD, parents not believing, misdiagnosis, and the off and on meds. Thing is when I am off meds my mind and body feel so pure and clean but my mood swings are apparent and my black and white thinking is at an all time high. I just started on meds again, I hate it, I feel so weird, all the side effects, not pure at all, fuzzy and gross instead. Some days it makes the chores easier, some days not. I'm sorry everything is so hard for you right now, (us), I know what you mean about being cursed from the moment we are born. Just try taking it one day a time. I hear you.

[bluefish27]

Thanks all, the support and not feeling alone in this means the world to me. Sending love and hugs to you all.

[gabmux]

Originally Posted by bluefish27

I wasn't getting anything out of it, I was just starting new drugs, I felt strange, I couldn't focus, and all the people in the group distracted me, most whom were there out of requirement of the court. I really need one on one but with out insurance wasn't going to get it. I stopped taking my meds about a year ago because after 9 months on them I saw no improvement. In fact I was just as depressed and even more agitated. I started taking St. John's Wort and am not sure if it helps or not.
.enough to do it for one or two days randomly here and there but I always always always end up back in the same pattern of sleeping all day, binging on junk food.....
Anyone ever been where I am and get out of it ?

Yes I have been there also.
Some nutrition will definitely make a difference because of your present diet.
Need to start taking B-Vitamins regularly. (Sold as Vitamin-B Complex). They will help some for stress and sleeping.
Also take Amino Acids. Can be found at health-food stores.
GABA will also help with thoughts. Please Google these suggestions for your own information. Even just these few nutrition things helped me much.