Ok so I had an extremely emotional blowout this weekend. The details of which are really not important. Just that I lost it for a bit and really had some issues. Ended up having some rum, yes, self medicated, I realize this but keep in mind it's not like I got blasted or something. Actually a single bacardi and coke was all it took to calm me down. heck i wasn't even buzzing but I realize it's not something I want to make a habit of doing. I don't typically drink much.

While in the midst of my emotional breakdown I found myself telling friends in chat that I just plain needed a doctor. I wanted to (prior to the alcohol) "bust something". I dont' typically act on those feelings and I didn't at this time either but I felt it. I wanted to punch something, break soemthing... anything to release the raging monster that was screaming for release.

I don't get this bad very often but I realize I am very volatile at those times and if it were bad enough I get destructive. What I mean is destructive in that I really hurt people emotionally in this mode and mentally sometimes. I don't mean physically but.. its destructive nonetheless. Even in my enraged, anxious state, I realized I need help. I need something. I need a professional.

As I said in my title... there's a "but" in there. I refuse to be medicated. I have been there and done that for 10+ years of my life and I look back at how I was and there is no going back. I was numb, unfeeling and mostly a zombie. Sure I was less emotional and one might be tempted to say stable but at what cost? I wasn't even very alive IMO. I can't do that again. Even with my emotional outbreaks, I would not give up my emotions again. I just want to learn to cope and control them naturally. Is there such a thing? Is there a non-pill-pushing doctor out there? I'm sick of doctors in the sense that every one of them has just looked at the symptoms and wanted to mask them. Even dealt with one that had the mindset "I don't like labeling, let's just take care of the symptoms" crap. No, I want a solution. I want real help. Direct me to the right Therapist instead but don't drug me.

Is there such a doctor? Anyone know? Anyone feel the same way as me?

I don't think there's a doctor that can really help unless you're able to find a therapist that you can really, really relate to one-on-one and that's a personal thing and you wouldn't probably know it on a first visit. It would take a number of visits to see if you'd really relate.

I'd really get involved in some of the DBT and mediation stuff. It does give you coping techniques to help you get the anger under control. They have workbooks and such you can use as well in an effort to see what you are doing and be able to change it. At least for me, due to the mercurial nature of our emotions, it's difficult to stick with. When I feel bad I work on it and it does offer a tad but of relief; when I feel good I convince myself I don't need it. If I was able to stick with it regularly I believe it could be of great benefit.

Also...I completely agree with you about the meds, however, it wouldn't hurt to get some type of short-term med that only lasts a few hours (Xanax and such) to take only on an as needed basis when things are really rough. It wouldn't affect your personality in general at all but you would have a back-up when needed.

Originally Posted by Maranara

Also...I completely agree with you about the meds, however, it wouldn't hurt to get some type of short-term med that only lasts a few hours (Xanax and such) to take only on an as needed basis when things are really rough. It wouldn't affect your personality in general at all but you would have a back-up when needed.

I had Klonopin for that for awhile and it does work. But apparently I have a problem with Klonopin as I clearly like it too much. Is Xanax as effective and secondly is it habit forming? I know that my last doc would not prescribe Klonopin again for me after my time in the hospital from taking too much at once. (still don't think it was a major thing, but my ex saw fit to call paramedics because I don't typically sleep as deeply as I apparently did and she couldn't wake me, though I was just asleep)

[roads]

I tried to deal with my issues without drugs, because I am so sensitive to them and often react in the unpredicted ways mentioned in the small print. Many drugs, even at "safe" treatment levels, send me into psychosis--I end up in psych units for as long as a month. Other "safe meds, safely dispensed" make me numb, put me in a fog that has me dependent on search engines to find words ... & I was a writer.
After years of going it the therapy-alone route, I began a quest for the right pdoc for me. Finally I found a pdoc willing to agree to find the best meds for me--not "good enough" but the best available for me. it wasn't easy finding the right pdoc ... but so worth the effort.

roadie

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I had Klonopin for that for awhile and it does work. But apparently I have a problem with Klonopin as I clearly like it too much. Is Xanax as effective and secondly is it habit forming? I know that my last doc would not prescribe Klonopin again for me after my time in the hospital from taking too much at once. (still don't think it was a major thing, but my ex saw fit to call paramedics because I don't typically sleep as deeply as I apparently did and she couldn't wake me, though I was just asleep)

Xanax works well for me on the occasion when I just can't calm down and start going in to overdrive. Of course, everyone is different and it may or may not do the trick for you. And, yes, it can be habit forming, but if you keep that in mind and use it only as a last resort it can be very effective. I attempted to make it a point to not take it more than once a day and not more than two days in a row. The affects it has is nice....it does make you want to take it more, so you do have to have a bit of self-control in that matter. Docs don't seem to mind prescribing it if you show them it's not being abused. I was given 30 tablets and 60 days later still had a lot left so it wasn't a biggie to get more. Now, I take it maybe once a month or so when the anxiety and stuff is just over the top.

Can a Primary care doc give scripts for Xanax?

Yes. That's where I got it from. I got it during a break down back in May before I saw a therapist. Got a refill right before moving. Still have some....and they will refill it if you can show them it's not being abused. At least mine did.

Originally Posted by Maranara

Yes. That's where I got it from. I got it during a break down back in May before I saw a therapist. Got a refill right before moving. Still have some....and they will refill it if you can show them it's not being abused. At least mine did.

I need to see my doc about my diabetes anyway. Might have to mention that too.

[ECHOES]

Therapy helps with this rage

I get it less now than I ever used to, even when I am really frustrated or disappointed or...

I found a psychodynamic/psychoanalytic therapist by calling the Psychoanalytic Institute in the largest city near me. I asked them to refer me to someone in my community and it's been a good fit! I knew I wanted this kind of a therapist, from researching different types of therapies and therapists. Here are some helpful sites/articles:

http://psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2010/und...psychotherapy/

www.guidetopsychology.com

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Therapy helps with this rage

I get it less now than I ever used to, even when I am really frustrated or disappointed or...

I found a psychodynamic/psychoanalytic therapist by calling the Psychoanalytic Institute in the largest city near me. I asked them to refer me to someone in my community and it's been a good fit! I knew I wanted this kind of a therapist, from researching different types of therapies and therapists. Here are some helpful sites/articles:

http://psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2010/und...psychotherapy/

www.guidetopsychology.com

Thanks Echoes, for this. I know I can find a T, its just I haven't tried lately. I think I want to stay open about DBT but also want someone that will approach it with CBT mostly. For me, I tend to feel that understanding myself better and why I think/feel the way I do is going to help me the most.

[Ultra Darkness]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I need to see my doc about my diabetes anyway. Might have to mention that too.

You have diabetes?

Originally Posted by Ultra Darkness

You have diabetes?

yeah I was as shocked as you are right now. no offense to people overweight but my mind always thinks of people with diabetes as usually being overweight and I am in no way overweight. At my heaviest I was maybe 20 lbs overweight at the most. So when they told me I was I had nooooo idea. fml.

[Big Mama]

Ya know diabetes will screw w/ you to. It sends so many levels off into so many different directions.

Have you tried a herbalist. Not for weed . But for getting your system straight by boosting certain vitamins and such. My brother in was was in such a mess after all his many medications he was loosing who he was and who he thought he was and who he became. His wife (now ex) was an *** and wouldn't help him, she liked him medicated. But thats another story, back to you my friend. I went w/ my brother in law to our local herbalist, not the GNC health store type a real herbalist. My brother in law added huge amounts of fish oil supplement, garlic, magnesium, & Vitamin B 6. They all helped until he was in an accident and found he like morphine and continued on his path to crystal meth.

I would love to have a drink every now and again. I'm not saying that this kind of self medicating is OK. It's not and it has huge risks especially w/ you being the soul provider of your little boys. What I am saying though is that you are human and it is so easy for us to want to be human and give in and do things that we know will help even if it is only temporary and not the best choice. I have not had a drink in 6 years. But I have a thing for vodka and grapefruit juice. It is sure not something you would want to consume lots of. It will give you the trots some kinda bad. But anyhow, I don't drink, If I were not married to a recovering alcoholic who was beaten badly way to often by his alcoholic father I would probably drink a little here and there. But my H wants nothing to do w/ alcohol and I am glad and will respect that. But at the occasional bridal shower if he is not there and I'm not driving and alcohol is on the menu I will have one drink.

If I ever get off of my meds, I will be going straight to the herbalist. There are also homeopathic type remedies. I have panic attacks and use something for that, I have huge down swings and use herbal tinctures for that. The Dr has said we would have to change my meds if I had to up mine again. I'm at the max dosage. I am not switching to something else. I can't handle my system being missed w/ like that. It is absolute hell.

Just be careful my friend, alcohol is nothing to play with. I'm not lecturing you and telling you, an adult what to do. I'm only saying, not around your boys if there mom got wind of you drinking then those little boys would pay for the rest of there inocent little lives then you would be very guilty indeed. You need your job to take care of your self and your boys, don't let alcohol get in the way of that. I'll be quiet now I'm not your mama or your wife and you are not a kid. You know right from wrong and how much it to much. Be wize S4, and be careful.

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Ya know diabetes will screw w/ you to. It sends so many levels off into so many different directions.

Have you tried a herbalist. Not for weed . But for getting your system straight by boosting certain vitamins and such. My brother in was was in such a mess after all his many medications he was loosing who he was and who he thought he was and who he became. His wife (now ex) was an *** and wouldn't help him, she liked him medicated. But thats another story, back to you my friend. I went w/ my brother in law to our local herbalist, not the GNC health store type a real herbalist. My brother in law added huge amounts of fish oil supplement, garlic, magnesium, & Vitamin B 6. They all helped until he was in an accident and found he like morphine and continued on his path to crystal meth.

I would love to have a drink every now and again. I'm not saying that this kind of self medicating is OK. It's not and it has huge risks especially w/ you being the soul provider of your little boys. What I am saying though is that you are human and it is so easy for us to want to be human and give in and do things that we know will help even if it is only temporary and not the best choice. I have not had a drink in 6 years. But I have a thing for vodka and grapefruit juice. It is sure not something you would want to consume lots of. It will give you the trots some kinda bad. But anyhow, I don't drink, If I were not married to a recovering alcoholic who was beaten badly way to often by his alcoholic father I would probably drink a little here and there. But my H wants nothing to do w/ alcohol and I am glad and will respect that. But at the occasional bridal shower if he is not there and I'm not driving and alcohol is on the menu I will have one drink.

If I ever get off of my meds, I will be going straight to the herbalist. There are also homeopathic type remedies. I have panic attacks and use something for that, I have huge down swings and use herbal tinctures for that. The Dr has said we would have to change my meds if I had to up mine again. I'm at the max dosage. I am not switching to something else. I can't handle my system being missed w/ like that. It is absolute hell.

Just be careful my friend, alcohol is nothing to play with. I'm not lecturing you and telling you, an adult what to do. I'm only saying, not around your boys if there mom got wind of you drinking then those little boys would pay for the rest of there inocent little lives then you would be very guilty indeed. You need your job to take care of your self and your boys, don't let alcohol get in the way of that. I'll be quiet now I'm not your mama or your wife and you are not a kid. You know right from wrong and how much it to much. Be wize S4, and be careful.

as I've stated, I don't drink much and I dont' do it often. I also didn't go out of my way to get drunk. I don't have a problem with drinking at all. Besides if I do it it's after hours when they are out of my hair and in bed. NO worries.

Holistic medicine and herbal remedies are an interesting approach but in my experience are limited in their effects. I'm not looking for meds, remedies or any of that.

[Big Mama]

Good, I am glad you don't drink often. I know you love your boys, there is no doubt about that. I know you would never do anything to put them at risk. Please don't ever think that was what I was suggesting.

You are not looking for meds or herbal remedies, I have a short term memory, what is it you were looking for again.

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Good, I am glad you don't drink often. I know you love your boys, there is no doubt about that. I know you would never do anything to put them at risk. Please don't ever think that was what I was suggesting.

You are not looking for meds or herbal remedies, I have a short term memory, what is it you were looking for again.

A doc and/or t taht won't push pills.

[TheRealFDeal]

If you don't want to take meds, just stay away from the pdocs. I have found that T's don't push drugs, (especially if they know you've "been there/done that" so you might want to make another effort at finding one to help you with your stuff. In fact, I went for a long time without meds because my T didn't suggest it. When she did, I usec my PCP to get on anti-depressants.

I get them from a pdoc now because I can't imagine not being on meds. I'm on Effexor and it helps tremendously, at least at taking the edge off, and removing the attachment between thinking about sui and actually doing it. None of the benzos (Klono, Xanax, Valium, atavan, etc.) worked on me at all. Actually, I have to qualify: the Effexor helps with the depression, but it does little for my BPD symptoms, especially the anger. I talked to my pdoc about it, and he said he would put me on lithium for the BPD. I don't think I'm going to go there, though, lithium just sounds scary to me.

Sorry, I rambled a bit.

[it'sjustme]

Hello Poohbah...

I had a dependency to Xanax about 10 years ago, mainly because it worked so well that I couldn't let go of them... From the first day that doctor prescribed it to me I never increased the dose (I was convinced that I would not be addicted to them if I had some kind of control)... But, it came to a point that the dose was not enough, so as a maverick I decided to go cold turkey-mate, it was a horrific experience. To get to the point, if you think that you will be able to control the usage of Xanax, go for it, but I would suggest therapies vs. addictive chemicals...

Originally Posted by it'sjustme

Hello Poohbah...

I had a dependency to Xanax about 10 years ago, mainly because it worked so well that I couldn't let go of them... From the first day that doctor prescribed it to me I never increased the dose (I was convinced that I would not be addicted to them if I had some kind of control)... But, it came to a point that the dose was not enough, so as a maverick I decided to go cold turkey-mate, it was a horrific experience. To get to the point, if you think that you will be able to control the usage of Xanax, go for it, but I would suggest therapies vs. addictive chemicals...

Well I'm with you on the drugs and wanting to stay away. The only thing I'd even consider is drugs that are not for regular use. I would not be one that would recommend regular use of klonopin or xanax type meds. If I did do either of those it would be fore those times when I had to have them. But I have to consider carefully, I really wouldn't want to be dependent on anything. I have my issues but I think Therapy can help with pretty much all of it. I'm a firm believer in this.

To all the people on meds: Please do not take this as a judgement on anyone taking meds. I realize they do their job when they are prescribed right and taken with care, and can help tremendously. I just feel, for me, if I am taking something that takes the edge of, it hinders my ability to actually get to the root of my problems and find a real solution as the symptoms would be subdued. I mean as a BPD sufferer, I already have moments when I think "I don't need anything, I'm fine... ". The phases where I sit and do nothing because I happen to be feeling well. How much more if I'm masking my symptoms? Again, that's just me. Please know I understand some of you cannot do without your meds and I respect that

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

If you don't want to take meds, just stay away from the pdocs. I have found that T's don't push drugs, (especially if they know you've "been there/done that" so you might want to make another effort at finding one to help you with your stuff. In fact, I went for a long time without meds because my T didn't suggest it. When she did, I usec my PCP to get on anti-depressants.

I get them from a pdoc now because I can't imagine not being on meds. I'm on Effexor and it helps tremendously, at least at taking the edge off, and removing the attachment between thinking about sui and actually doing it. None of the benzos (Klono, Xanax, Valium, atavan, etc.) worked on me at all. Actually, I have to qualify: the Effexor helps with the depression, but it does little for my BPD symptoms, especially the anger. I talked to my pdoc about it, and he said he would put me on lithium for the BPD. I don't think I'm going to go there, though, lithium just sounds scary to me.

Sorry, I rambled a bit.

you didn't ramble, you're fine. Appreciate your input.

Well with meds, I cannot imagine goign back on them. TBH, I was on them for 10+ years and I know what they can and cannot do and I know how much they help. For me again its a decision to come to terms with how I am and fully face the challenges head on.

[it'sjustme]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

To all the people on meds: Please do not take this as a judgement on anyone taking meds. I realize they do their job when they are prescribed right and taken with care, and can help tremendously. I just feel, for me, if I am taking something that takes the edge of, it hinders my ability to actually get to the root of my problems and find a real solution as the symptoms would be subdued. I mean as a BPD sufferer, I already have moments when I think "I don't need anything, I'm fine... ". The phases where I sit and do nothing because I happen to be feeling well. How much more if I'm masking my symptoms? Again, that's just me. Please know I understand some of you cannot do without your meds and I respect that

Hear! Hear! What a great point!!! You truly are a thoughtful person!!!

Towards individuals that can take non-addictive medications without any side-effects, I feel a bit of jealousy, because I would love to have something that can help without huge consequences... To cut to the point-what ever works but of course with minimal harm

As far as the question of Xanax being habit-forming, the answer is yes--all benzos are. But you can taper off of them. Edit: You CANNOT go cold turkey off of them. Or, at least, you really, really shouldn't.

I completely understand how you feel about meds. I have to be on them; I was diagnosed with depression at 14 and at this point they're calling it medication-resistant. It's that pervasive. It's either meds or ECT. (Which, incidentally, is a non-medication alternative to explore.) I opted to try one last-ditch effort with meds before going the ECT route. And I am choosing to be on as few meds at the lowest therapeutic dose possible--I started kind of high (i.e. while I was in-crisis in the hospital) and I've slowly been backing down to the lowest doses. Would you be willing to try something like that? I don't really know your situation, I just know mine. I've had waaaaaay too much experience with meds.

Originally Posted by it'sjustme

Hear! Hear! What a great point!!! You truly are a thoughtful person!!!

Towards individuals that can take non-addictive medications without any side-effects, I feel a bit of jealousy, because I would love to have something that can help without huge consequences... To cut to the point-what ever works but of course with minimal harm

I am very, very careful in taking it to make sure I don't have any major side effects or additive qualities. I take it no more than once a day and no more than two days in a row. The temptation is there to take more...it does make you feel pretty good... but I've never become even remotely physically dependant on it. It is completely for emergencies: when my anxiety reaches the boiling point very quickly or all the other self-soothing stuff is to no avail

[it'sjustme]

Originally Posted by misskeena

As far as the question of Xanax being habit-forming, the answer is yes--all benzos are. But you can taper off of them. Edit: You CANNOT go cold turkey off of them. Or, at least, you really, really shouldn't.

I completely understand how you feel about meds. I have to be on them; I was diagnosed with depression at 14 and at this point they're calling it medication-resistant. It's that pervasive. It's either meds or ECT. (Which, incidentally, is a non-medication alternative to explore.) I opted to try one last-ditch effort with meds before going the ECT route. And I am choosing to be on as few meds at the lowest therapeutic dose possible--I started kind of high (i.e. while I was in-crisis in the hospital) and I've slowly been backing down to the lowest doses. Would you be willing to try something like that? I don't really know your situation, I just know mine. I've had waaaaaay too much experience with meds.

I learned my withdrawal lesson the hard way, went cold turkey without telling anybody, I was young and scared...but it is in the past now...But still daydream sometimes to go to the Doc to get a prescription...