Alright, so I'm kind of a worrier by nature. It would stand to reason that I would have to be; I'm all by myself in the world: I have no family around me, really. My immediate family and I don't speak and my aunts and uncle all live out of state. The closest they ever come to me is saying, "Hello," via Facebook once in a great while or sending cards on holidays. I don't have any really close friends, none who would take care of me should anything really bad happen to me. So I worry about things. But I've recently started worrying a lot more. I don't know why, maybe it's because I turned 35 two days ago and kind of started thinking about my future (I've started kind of thinking more about saving for retirement, I mean, I do already but...blah blah, whatever).

I'm scared. There are little things that I think about in the present like, what if something happens to my cats? Or on a bigger scale, what if something happens to my car or my apartment? What if something happens to me right now and I need help? I think about the future...who is going to be there for me in the future? It is looking very much like I'll never have a significant other. Who will make decisions for me if I can't? What if I end up lying in a nursing home? I just...there are so many things running through my head right now and I don't know where they're coming from but they're pushing my anxiety through the roof and I wish I had answers. I'm just scared for myself.

I don't expect you guys to have answers. I just needed to talk, that's all. Thanks for listening.

[greentires4me]

I'd be there for you....even if I live a million miles away...I'd offer you a place to stay on my couch and I love for cats to come cuddle with....

Originally Posted by greentires4me

I'd be there for you....even if I live a million miles away...I'd offer you a place to stay on my couch and I love for cats to come cuddle with....

Thanks. That means a lot.

I wish my family would say this. They don't even know what's going on in my life right now, don't even know that I spent 8 days in the hospital over Thanksgiving. I doubt they even know what BPD is, so I wouldn't even bother explaining it to them; they have enough trouble trying to wrap their heads around the fact that I deal with depression. They just don't want to deal with me; I'm too much for them to handle.

I tried talking to my closest friend tonight because this is weighing on me so heavily but she has a sick kid at home and is on "bucket duty." Ah well. Maybe I'll try talking to her tomorrow. There's nothing she can do about it, I just need someone to talk to, just to get this out of my head. I just don't know what to do. I know we're not supposed to talk about religion so I'll keep this vague: I want to have faith in a higher power and I used to, but I've had so much happen that makes me wonder if anyone is looking out for me that it's really hard for me to have any faith whatsoever. And having no faith is scary.

Sorry to be so negative.

[greentires4me]

have faith in yourself and I am sure there is a higher power looking out for you as well carrying you when you can't walk yourself.

Lonely Road-by Everlast...may resonate with you

Originally Posted by greentires4me

have faith in yourself and I am sure there is a higher power looking out for you as well carrying you when you can't walk yourself.

I wish I could feel that way but I really don't think so anymore.

[Love/Hate09]

Originally Posted by misskeena

Alright, so I'm kind of a worrier by nature. It would stand to reason that I would have to be; I'm all by myself in the world: I have no family around me, really. My immediate family and I don't speak and my aunts and uncle all live out of state. The closest they ever come to me is saying, "Hello," via Facebook once in a great while or sending cards on holidays. I don't have any really close friends, none who would take care of me should anything really bad happen to me. So I worry about things. But I've recently started worrying a lot more. I don't know why, maybe it's because I turned 35 two days ago and kind of started thinking about my future (I've started kind of thinking more about saving for retirement, I mean, I do already but...blah blah, whatever).

I'm scared. There are little things that I think about in the present like, what if something happens to my cats? Or on a bigger scale, what if something happens to my car or my apartment? What if something happens to me right now and I need help? I think about the future...who is going to be there for me in the future? It is looking very much like I'll never have a significant other. Who will make decisions for me if I can't? What if I end up lying in a nursing home? I just...there are so many things running through my head right now and I don't know where they're coming from but they're pushing my anxiety through the roof and I wish I had answers. I'm just scared for myself.

I don't expect you guys to have answers. I just needed to talk, that's all. Thanks for listening.

Thank you so much for this post. It screamed out at me, i can recognise so much in it. I too have absolutely no one in my life, no one that would take care of me, no one that would look after me if i couldn't do so for myself due to an accident or something. I have no family that i could even claim to be remotely close to, i have one sibling that i very occasionally exchange the odd text message with and that's it. A few years ago i found myself out of work with no money coming in and it waas then that it really hit me full in the face how alone i really was. If i couldn't find some money from somewhere i was going to end-up homeless it was as straight forward as that. Sure i had friends who said rubbish like give me a call if you need anything but it was all empty words and i knew it, when it came down to it there was nothing or no-one between me and the street (sidewalk). That's when you know you are all alone in the world. So yes i can totally relate to where you are coming from Miss K, it's a horrible feeling to know that there is no-one there for you, literally no-one if it all turns out ***** and you have no options left.

I even took an OD to see if it was possible for me to exit life if i found myself with no options left. It wasn't that i wanted to kill myself it was just i wanted to know that i could if i had absolutely no choices left. That's a very lonely position to be in so i totally get where you're at. To see everyone else out there with at least someone or some family to help out should the worst happen andd to know that you don't have anyone is the most isolating feeling in the world.

Originally Posted by Love/Hate09

Thank you so much for this post. It screamed out at me, i can recognise so much in it. I too have absolutely no one in my life, no one that would take care of me, no one that would look after me if i couldn't do so for myself due to an accident or something. I have no family that i could even claim to be remotely close to, i have one sibling that i very occasionally exchange the odd text message with and that's it. A few years ago i found myself out of work with no money coming in and it waas then that it really hit me full in the face how alone i really was. If i couldn't find some money from somewhere i was going to end-up homeless it was as straight forward as that. Sure i had friends who said rubbish like give me a call if you need anything but it was all empty words and i knew it, when it came down to it there was nothing or no-one between me and the street (sidewalk). That's when you know you are all alone in the world. So yes i can totally relate to where you are coming from Miss K, it's a horrible feeling to know that there is no-one there for you, literally no-one if it all turns out ***** and you have no options left.

I even took an OD to see if it was possible for me to exit life if i found myself with no options left. It wasn't that i wanted to kill myself it was just i wanted to know that i could if i had absolutely no choices left. That's a very lonely position to be in so i totally get where you're at. To see everyone else out there with at least someone or some family to help out should the worst happen andd to know that you don't have anyone is the most isolating feeling in the world.

Thank you so much for responding. I saw all of the people who have viewed this and I was like, "What? Is there no one else who feels this way?" I mean, it doesn't exactly help me to get out of the place that I'm in, but it helps me to know that I'm not the only person who is in this place. It's a very lonely feeling, especially living where I live, a very family-and-church-oriented city. It's hard knowing that the people around me are so focused on the family unit and you don't have one.

I guess don't really know if I would be homeless if it came down to it. When I went inpatient in November, I called a family friend to drive me to the hospital. They were the ones who looked after my cats while I was there for 8 days (otherwise, no one would have). I think that, short-term, if it really, really came down to it, I could call them. But they are in their 60's and won't be around thirty years from now when I am their age and may need someone for certain things, you know? Long term though, if something happened and I lost my job or my home or something crazy like that then...yeah. I think the family friend would look after my cats, but I would probably be homeless. And I've been there before, long ago, when I was a little kid. I can't go back there again.

[Love/Hate09]

Yes that is truly alone, it's the worst feeling in the world to be truly alone with no-one there. I don't want to think that i'll have to spend the rest of my life alone, i really hope that i find someone, i seem to have spent so much of my life alone. Then when i have managed to meet someone on a rare occasion it somehow has never worked out. I'm just so sick of it, i keep thinking when is my turn going to come for something good to happen, surely the law of averages suggests that something good will happen for me one day. I can live in hope i suppose.

Originally Posted by Love/Hate09

I'm just so sick of it, i keep thinking when is my turn going to come for something good to happen, surely the law of averages suggests that something good will happen for me one day. I can live in hope i suppose.

YES! I totally understand. I mean, I'm not exactly putting myself out there, but even when I do, it doesn't work out.

I'm not exactly the kind of girl that looks good on paper. When guys see that I'm 35 (still having issues with that ) never been married, and I don't want kids, I don't get very many responses. I think it's the "don't want kids" part. Most guys my age already have them or, if they don't, they're in a big hurry to have them. Like I said, I live in a family-oriented area.

I haven't totally given up, but I feel like I need to get out of my current "funk" and learn to be a little more social (which I believe is being discussed in another thread) before I try dating again. I'm in no shape to even try right now. Hell, I freak out when my current friends want to hang out with me. Ha.

[wadingthruemotions]

I can relate to a few things said here. Sorry for not responding sooner.

I am not alone in life as I have no clue how this happened but have a very good husband that no matter what I have done to him or said to him etc has not left and has said he never will. I believe that due to the things we've been through and the many times he could have and didn't. I offer this as a small glimmer of hope that there is someone out there for you. It may take a while to find the right person. Longer than we like I am sure.

Now if he were to ever leave or something were to happen to him then yes I would be totally alone. So I do get worrying about the things you do.

I am a worrier. I worry about stuff all the time. It sucks. It drains the life right out of you but I can't seem to stop. Hugs to both of you here.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( misskeena )))))))

[beautifulfreak]

I empathise with you Miss…

I am not alone yet I am alone. It is so upsetting.

Originally Posted by beautifulfreak

I am not alone yet I am alone. It is so upsetting.

I understand this perfectly.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I relate to this feeling. All my family is gone; all I have is my roommate and my mentor. Neither one of them can take care of me; they can talk to me but if something happens to me, I am on my own; all my roommate can do is maybe drive me to the hospital and that's even iffy.

Why are we all so alienated? (IMHO; thinking out loud)

Carol

[poptart316]

I'm sorry that you're worried, I can relate.. I worry a lot about my future and how I'm going to support myself because I don't have a job and question whether or not I'm competent enough to actually handle a job.. I'm seriously afraid that I'm going to wind up homeless.

I guess it's best if we just try to take it one day at a time and focus on the NOW.

[TheRealFDeal]

What if something happens to me right now and I need help? I think about the future...who is going to be there for me in the future? It is looking very much like I'll never have a significant other. Who will make decisions for me if I can't? What if I end up lying in a nursing home? I just...there are so many things running through my head right now and I don't know where they're coming from but they're pushing my anxiety through the roof and I wish I had answers. I'm just scared for myself.

I live alone too and think about these things a lot. Like what if something happened to me on a Friday night? It would be at least Monday before anyone came looking for me... and the only people missing me would be my co-workers. I actually have sisters fairly close by, but we're not close. Although if I did need a ride to the ER for a physical reason I would call one of them. They know I'm "in a dark place" right now; one of them doesn't want to know more and the other has asked but I can't bring myself to share.

Well, I got off the subject a little bit. I have actually been thinking I should leave a note that someone could easily find about my wishes, like what to do if I'm brain-dead (pull the plug, donate my organs), or actually dead (burial vs. cremation, funeral services, etc.).