[poptart316]

Chris and I are meeting today and I'm very nervous. I'm not very hopeful so I guess I'm prepared if anything bad happens. I feel like I've gotten through the worst of it. I'm still very nervous though and don't know what I'll say to him.

Sorry if I keep going on and on about this.
I'm just looking for some hugs right now.

[allme]

Awww hun I sooooo hope it goes well for you, just try to stay calm and keep an open mind. You will be fine

Let us know how it goes!!

[gayleggg]

((((((hugs))))))
Gayle

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( poptart ))))))))))
Hope it goes really well! Looking forward to hearing about your good time (hopefully!)

[allme]

How did it go?

[LadyShadow]

Hope it goes well, let us know how it went

[Trippin2.0]

Thinking of you

[poptart316]

Okay so I went there.. we sat there awkwardly for a while and hardly said a word to each other. He said he wanted to be friends, which is what he meant by "talking about things" he wanted to talk about moving forward with our friendship.. he's okay with cuddling and okay with having sex, so I guess we're "friends with benefits" now.. nothings really changed.. we had sex, he got me some food and we watched TV and then I stayed the night, which was a typical day for us when we were together, the only difference now is that he's not technically my "boyfriend" which still kind of hurts. I mean it's just typical, every guy I've been with is willing to **** me but never wants to be with me and idk why. I'll probably go along with the whole "friends with benefits" thing, I mean like I said things are pretty much the same.

Originally Posted by poptart316

I'll probably go along with the whole "friends with benefits" thing, I mean like I said things are pretty much the same.

Okay, so you may not like this but...Is that good for you? What happens when he wants to see someone else? You will end up in the same place you were in at the beginning of the week, freaking out and on the verge of doing something drastic. Regardless of whether it is now or later, things will not end well with him; he will not end up staying with you. You are putting off the inevitable.

I know it's hard to be without someone who makes you feel comfortable, but you have to find the respect for yourself to walk away from a situation which is only going to be harmful to you. Not to mention that, my dear, he is using you for sex because he realizes that he can. Don't let him.

[poptart316]

Originally Posted by misskeena

Okay, so you may not like this but...Is that good for you? What happens when he wants to see someone else? You will end up in the same place you were in at the beginning of the week, freaking out and on the verge of doing something drastic. Regardless of whether it is now or later, things will not end well with him; he will not end up staying with you. You are putting off the inevitable.

I know it's hard to be without someone who makes you feel comfortable, but you have to find the respect for yourself to walk away from a situation which is only going to be harmful to you. Not to mention that, my dear, he is using you for sex because he realizes that he can. Don't let him.

Things would probably end at some point even if we were in a relationship.. I don't see how this is any different? I guess he is "using" me and it kind of hurts.. but I guess it just goes to show there wasn't much of a foundation to begin with, nothing else was there other than affection and sex.. we barely spoke to each other. I really don't think I'm capable of "connecting" with another human being. I'm so lonely though and really want the affection/sex.. I have nothing else to look forward to. I guess I'm prone to using sex as an escape like some people use drugs or alcohol and I don't know if I can stop myself. I don't understand why everyone uses me though.. all that anyone ever wants from me is sex. I'm reminded of this message this girl sent to me on OkCupid "you are what men call a "head case" and all their ever going to want is sex from you" I thought about that periodically when Chris and I were together and thought she was wrong, but now I'm thinking that she's probably right.

[poptart316]

great, I feel myself spiraling down.

[poptart316]

It's all I can think about now, ****.

Originally Posted by poptart316

Things would probably end at some point even if we were in a relationship.. I don't see how this is any different? I guess he is "using" me and it kind of hurts.. but I guess it just goes to show there wasn't much of a foundation to begin with, nothing else was there other than affection and sex.. we barely spoke to each other. I really don't think I'm capable of "connecting" with another human being. I'm so lonely though and really want the affection/sex.. I have nothing else to look forward to. I guess I'm prone to using sex as an escape like some people use drugs or alcohol and I don't know if I can stop myself. I don't understand why everyone uses me though.. all that anyone ever wants from me is sex. I'm reminded of this message this girl sent to me on OkCupid "you are what men call a "head case" and all their ever going to want is sex from you" I thought about that periodically when Chris and I were together and thought she was wrong, but now I'm thinking that she's probably right.

Guys did this to me at one point in my life as well. It's because I let them. I understand that you want that emotional connection and that sleeping with someone gives you that for a minute, but then you just feel bad in the long run. I always did. It just stopped being worth it to me, because it made me more depressed. I figured out what I really wanted was someone to care for me, and the guys really didn't. Anyway. Really, anyone could be used by anyone. The only reason guys are using you for sex--and this can be turned around--is because they see you as someone who is looking for that connection that you mentioned and will try to get it no matter what. And some, not all, but some guys will prey on women who are emotionally needy--especially men who are your age (though they can be any age, really). It's like they can sniff it out. I know it's really, really hard because I've totally been there, but you've got to stop leaning on these guys for your emotional support. Guys really aren't the people whom you can bear all to. I mean, the stuff you say on here really isn't stuff you should necessarily say to someone you'd want to date, you know? Learn who the people are that you can bear all to and stick with those people when you need to vent or fall apart. I hope that makes sense. I get it...really, I do.

Don't spiral down, girl.

[poptart316]

I thought Chris was different. He said he cared about me, I thought he meant it.

There's just something wrong with me, there's a lot of things wrong with me.. I'm simply not girlfriend material.

Originally Posted by poptart316

I thought Chris was different. He said he cared about me, I thought he meant it.

There's just something wrong with me, there's a lot of things wrong with me.. I'm simply not girlfriend material.

No, he probably did care about you. But, I mean, if after things are over the opportunity is still there for sex, some guys will unfortunately take it (no offense to guys reading this, but some guys will). So what I'm saying is don't give him the opportunity. There isn't anything wrong with you--he's a guy.

There is nothing wrong with you, you just have a lot of stuff going on right now. It's really hard to deal with what's going on in your mind and try to also focus on a relationship, school, trying to navigate the other stuff you've mentioned that's going on (I don't know all of it, but you've mentioned some other stuff). You've got a lot going on. It's easy for us with BPD to make feeling wanted the #1 priority, but it often isn't...and that's what gets us into trouble.

P.S. If Honey Boo Boo's mom is girlfriend material, we're all girlfriend material. I'm just sayin'. For real though, it's not that you're not girlfriend material, you just have to work on taking care of you for a little while.

[poptart316]

Originally Posted by misskeena

P.S. If Honey Boo Boo's mom is girlfriend material, we're all girlfriend material.

thanks for this!

[frippet]

you touched a raw nerve with the headcase comment. No one should label you like that. Everybody has had a love go wrong. If 50% of marriages end in divorce, what percentage of relationships fail. Do you see what I am trying to say? It isn't all about you. I like to think it is always about me, but it just is illogical. At my age now I am so grateful for each one of my failed relationships. it allowed me to start a whole new one. Just for fun try creating a character mock up, like you would if you were writing a novel, and design the guy you really want. It gave me a little fun hope when I was down and lonely. I even cut out magazine pictures of guy things I found appealing. I don't care if people call me a headcase, because frankly I do prefer to live in my head. There I am the safest from judgmental people. Sorry I rambled, I wish I could carry you through this phase to the other side. Hugs

[silverlining23]

Sending lots of hugs your way!

I agree with frippet. No one should ever judge someone like that especially by calling them a "head case." That is a harsh thing to say, I think, because most of the time the people who are quick to say things like that don't have a any clue what the other person is going through. I really hope you start feeling better soon. I am going through my own relationship issues and it really is so hard. You deserve to have a guy who wants it all with you....who would rather be with you on your worst days, than anyone else on their best. If you ever need anything, let me know! I wish I could help you more.

[poptart316]

Thanks for the support! I really appreciate it!!

[Flooded]

I just spat my drink on my iPad reading about "Honey Boo Boo's mum" Bloody funny!

Pop, chin up my dear

[shezbut]

(((poptart)))

I am sorry that you're feeling down so low. These intense feelings really can be hell, can't they?

Just try hard to remind yourself that this feeling will go back down. It always does ~ and something else will take it's place. Hopefully, a more grounded feeling will be the one! *crossing my fingers*

p.s. I agree with misskeena. Don't let Chris use your loneliness and insecurities to his advantage...that only puts your self-esteem lower. (((gentle hugs))) sent to you.

[avlady]

I think he's using you too, you need to stop giving him your world if he doesn't want anything but sex. Eventually there will come a point where you'll have to say why am i here doing this with him? It will go on as long as you let him because he's getting the milk for free.

Originally Posted by Flooded

I just spat my drink on my iPad reading about "Honey Boo Boo's mum" Bloody funny!

Pop, chin up my dear

Mama June? Yeah. Did you see she had a camo wedding dress? Dear Lord.

Anyway. Sorry. Not about Mama June.

[IndieVisible]

I'm not a hugging person at all! But I gave you one any ways. We borders need to stick together

[allme]

Originally Posted by poptart316

Okay so I went there.. we sat there awkwardly for a while and hardly said a word to each other. He said he wanted to be friends, which is what he meant by "talking about things" he wanted to talk about moving forward with our friendship.. he's okay with cuddling and okay with having sex, so I guess we're "friends with benefits" now.. nothings really changed.. we had sex, he got me some food and we watched TV and then I stayed the night, which was a typical day for us when we were together, the only difference now is that he's not technically my "boyfriend" which still kind of hurts. I mean it's just typical, every guy I've been with is willing to **** me but never wants to be with me and idk why. I'll probably go along with the whole "friends with benefits" thing, I mean like I said things are pretty much the same.

Whoa! Personally I would tell him to go to hell! Don't let him use you like that! SO he takes all the good stuff but none of the other stuff that comes with it? Sounds very selfish to me and I hope you have the strength to tell him to jog on. If you are friends then be friends but must remove the 'benefits'. If not for anything but your own self respect!