Ok so I've been without a significant other, girlfriend, fiance, wife or otherwise for 14+ months or so (starting to lose track) I'm still technically married but very much single in that we've been living separately for that amount of time and since a few months ago she's even been living a couple states away. Anyway.. not that I'd have it any other way, I'm over it, done with her and so do not want her in my life again.

But as with any human, bpd or not, loneliness does crop up on me from time to time and it can be hard at times but in the past week I've been reminded as to why it may be best for me not to be attached romantically to anyone...

Since about 2 weeks ago I've been going back and forth with a lady that I really like and she's cute, young.. and we have things in common that I just have never found in anyone before to this extent - (gamer, computer geek, her experience with programming, the list goes on) Well needless to say at first I really let myself get attached to the idea that she would be an awesome online girlfriend. Not that anything romantic other than very indirect flirting has happened. Mostly just wishful thinking on my part.

Well the other day she said to me in chat "brb" and was gone the rest of the night. Here is where my evidence comes from. UP to now, as you all know I've been rather positive, happy and hopeful about myself, my life and future. Well When she left me alone that day (perceived as being left, abandoned, you know all the bullsht we think) I had all kinds of reasons that I conjured up as to why she was tired of me, didn't care about me, etc. etc. and for the first time in a long while, I was sent spiralling. The next day, actually about half of the day was spent complaining, whining and just plain *****ing about "them women" and how they aren't worth the trouble, it's just too complicated blah blah blah. I eventually calmed down but it left me thinking..

I am reminded of the numerous problems I had in my marriage(s) and how many times fights were due to my fears, my overreactions and skewed perception of reality. I think about how women affect me when I am romantically attached and I am beginning to think that it's something that is just not going to ever be different. I mean this girl isn't even my gf, nothing more than a friend that I like and she does this to me. How much more if I were involved with her for real?

No, I think this is just evidence that I need to stay a single man and just forego anything to do with the opposite sex anymore.

Of course that's not to say this is what I want lol. Not even to say that this is what will be, just that I believe it would probably be best. God knows we don't always follow our own wise discoveries.

Anyway.. just a rant or whtever.. thanks for listening.

[allme]

Don't let the fact you have BPD deter you from a romantic relationship. I believe it's tougher when a disorder comes into play but it isn't impossible...not with the right person anyway. I would suggest, and this is solely my opinion, that you stay away from anyone else with mental health problems. I am not saying it's impossible but there is not enough space for 2 ppl mental health needs. My hubby is MI free and has been my rock, but if he had MI, I don't think we would have survived. Saying that, you can't help who you fall inlove with...it just happens.

Oh and I hope if anyone else has a s/o with MI as well as yourself, no offence intended....solely my opinion based on experience.

This seems to be a big issue for you I for one hope you find the love and partnership you deserve

Originally Posted by allme

Don't let the fact you have BPD deter you from a romantic relationship. I believe it's tougher when a disorder comes into play but it isn't impossible...not with the right person anyway. I would suggest, and this is solely my opinion, that you stay away from anyone else with mental health problems. I am not saying it's impossible but there is not enough space for 2 ppl mental health needs. My hubby is MI free and has been my rock, but if he had MI, I don't think we would have survived. Saying that, you can't help who you fall inlove with...it just happens.

Oh and I hope if anyone else has a s/o with MI as well as yourself, no offence intended....solely my opinion based on experience.

This seems to be a big issue for you I for one hope you find the love and partnership you deserve

*I don't believe anyone is totally MI free. tbh, some are just unaware and cope ok with life in spite of them. Seriously I don't think anyone is truly free of neuroses, illnesses or disorders. Just my thought but it's good that he's solid enough not to cause problems.

It may not be impossible, in fact it may be something that could be overcome but I'm not entirely sure it's worth it at this point. I've had 2 marriages, 3 kids and am a single father now. In truth I am not lacking in things to fill my life, I've been there, done that.

Here's the real kicker. I'd love to have a lady friend, companion or what not, that was there for me for all of the fun and even some of the "benefits" parts but without the commitment/relationship connections. Problem is, I don't do casual and it doesn't sit well with me. I know deep in my heart it would never work for me. So that's out of the question.

See I don't need a new mom for my kids, I don't need a wife, per se. I don't need anyone to give me the things that come with those two things. If I wanted a lady friend, it would be purely for me, my romantic needs and such. Of course she'd have to get along with my boys but I would never want her to try to fill the impossible spot of substitute parent. it just doesn't work.

I know I'm not realisstic but I'm bpd ******mit, so I have my fantasies

[allme]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

*I don't believe anyone is totally MI free. tbh, some are just unaware and cope ok with life in spite of them. Seriously I don't think anyone is truly free of neuroses, illnesses or disorders. Just my thought but it's good that he's solid enough not to cause problems.

It may not be impossible, in fact it may be something that could be overcome but I'm not entirely sure it's worth it at this point. I've had 2 marriages, 3 kids and am a single father now. In truth I am not lacking in things to fill my life, I've been there, done that.

Here's the real kicker. I'd love to have a lady friend, companion or what not, that was there for me for all of the fun and even some of the "benefits" parts but without the commitment/relationship connections. Problem is, I don't do casual and it doesn't sit well with me. I know deep in my heart it would never work for me. So that's out of the question.

See I don't need a new mom for my kids, I don't need a wife, per se. I don't need anyone to give me the things that come with those two things. If I wanted a lady friend, it would be purely for me, my romantic needs and such. Of course she'd have to get along with my boys but I would never want her to try to fill the impossible spot of substitute parent. it just doesn't work.

I know I'm not realisstic but I'm bpd ******mit, so I have my fantasies

I meant significant MI. Not that milder MI is insignificant...oh you know what I mean lol

I know you said you've tried this before, but why not give online dating another blast? That way you create a profile explaining exactly what it is you want and then everyone is clear from the start?

I personally think you're over-thinking it all and dooming it all before anything has actually begun. I think this geeky gamer girl has triggered feelings in you and you're running away with the whole idea of it all. Don't think too much, just go with it, se what happens. Don't doom things before they're even begun. I can imagine how the prospect of a new romantic relationship could be daunting for you especially with 2 marriages etc but you never know, the next one, could just be the very one!

Give yourself a break, take it easy, enjoy geeky gamer girl, don't over think it

[GeorgiaGirl413]

S4. I don't think you need to swear off women altogether, but be careful about moving too quickly from relationship to relationship. Especiallty since, like me, you don't do casual. I'm not sure how long you were married, but you may need a little longer than even 14 months to get over that. I am like you in that I get attached way too easily. One conversation with someone that I am attracted to and I find myself planning our wedding. Seriously. Things generally end badly in that 1) My desperation scares them off. 2) they turn out to be just as desperate as I am and I go running the other way. Either way, I think that the other person can sense those strong emotions in us, even when we think we are playing it cool, and it can be off-putting early on in a relationship. It feels to the other person like we are moving way to fast, and, to be honest, we probalby are. Especially in an internet relationship it is easy for the other person to just disappear and for us to feel abandoned. Having a healthy relationship with someone of the opposite sex is something I would dearly love to have, but I am not sure that it will ever happen. I have to just keep working on myself and maybe someday it will come. I have not sworn off men, just not looking right now. Know that you can always vent here.

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

S4. I don't think you need to swear off women altogether, but be careful about moving too quickly from relationship to relationship. Especiallty since, like me, you don't do casual. I'm not sure how long you were married, but you may need a little longer than even 14 months to get over that. I am like you in that I get attached way too easily. One conversation with someone that I am attracted to and I find myself planning our wedding. Seriously. Things generally end badly in that 1) My desperation scares them off. 2) they turn out to be just as desperate as I am and I go running the other way. Either way, I think that the other person can sense those strong emotions in us, even when we think we are playing it cool, and it can be off-putting early on in a relationship. It feels to the other person like we are moving way to fast, and, to be honest, we probalby are. Especially in an internet relationship it is easy for the other person to just disappear and for us to feel abandoned. Having a healthy relationship with someone of the opposite sex is something I would dearly love to have, but I am not sure that it will ever happen. I have to just keep working on myself and maybe someday it will come. I have not sworn off men, just not looking right now. Know that you can always vent here.

I'm not necessarily swearing off women but I am pondering the thought that I could easily be better off if I remain this way. I know me, I enjoy romance and the opposite sex too much to let it go forever but as I said it's something i'm thinking about.

YOu are spot on with everything you've said pretty much.

On the 14 months, it would be something of a thing to worry about if there were any feelings for that or that I really felt like it was a loss or something but it wasn't. It was a dead marriage for a long time. Sure it hurt at first but mostly just because I was used to it. I don't want that back, I don't miss her.. or anything. the grief has been over for awhile now. but I understand what you're saying. We were married 13 years. (actually more as we're still working on the divorce paperwork but yeah)

I really like this online friend but on one hand I don't really expect anything more than friendship right now even though I'd welcome it. I am working hard to just be friends and casual with her.

Originally Posted by allme

I meant significant MI. Not that milder MI is insignificant...oh you know what I mean lol

I know you said you've tried this before, but why not give online dating another blast? That way you create a profile explaining exactly what it is you want and then everyone is clear from the start?

I personally think you're over-thinking it all and dooming it all before anything has actually begun. I think this geeky gamer girl has triggered feelings in you and you're running away with the whole idea of it all. Don't think too much, just go with it, se what happens. Don't doom things before they're even begun. I can imagine how the prospect of a new romantic relationship could be daunting for you especially with 2 marriages etc but you never know, the next one, could just be the very one!

Give yourself a break, take it easy, enjoy geeky gamer girl, don't over think it

Thanks but no. never do online dating. its absolutely out of the question. Too many lame people on there, either desperate to find someone or not serious about it at all. I think the worst part about the online dating thing is that it's so unnatural. I don't want to go to a store and pick out my next girlfriend from a list of available type a,b,c or d's.. why would I do that online? No I'd much rather hang in a place that I enjoy and find someone that happens to be there and is meant to meet me. Which, i do, indeed believe in.

Actually I'm not really bothered by it, although it is something I think about a lot. it's like I can take it or leave it right now. I am analytical and think a lot on things but I do believe I am being more of a realist than anything. As I said I'm not truly writing off the idea but realizing the truth that it may not be the best thing for me. Neither is too much coffee but I do that sometimes too. Or tobacco which I consume so.. you see what I'm saying

[allme]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

As I said I'm not truly writing off the idea but realizing the truth that it may not be the best thing for me. Neither is too much coffee but I do that sometimes too. Or tobacco which I consume so.. you see what I'm saying

Yes I do...damn why are all the good things so bad for us??

Originally Posted by allme

Yes I do...damn why are all the good things so bad for us??

Well I'm bad for me. Does that make me good? wait what?

[allme]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Well I'm bad for me. Does that make me good? wait what?

Yes it means your fab

Originally Posted by allme

Yes it means your fab

I AM NOT FLAB! I'm rather skinny. Oh wait, that's not what you meant?

[Luvmydog]

I have begun to run after my tail. I do need to drop a few pounds. I do respect your personal decision, and am not advocating anything to the contrary, but I met my wife on an online dating site. It may not work for you, but it sure did for me.

Originally Posted by Luvmydog

I have begun to run after my tail. I do need to drop a few pounds. I do respect your personal decision, and am not advocating anything to the contrary, but I met my wife on an online dating site. It may not work for you, but it sure did for me.

With all due respect, I know it can. I know it does for a number of people but in general I think the ones that find love and marriages( that last) are few and far between. I don't think any less of anyone thta uses them just don't think my chances are any higher on a dating site than just meeting someone anywhere. IRL.

[Luvmydog]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

With all due respect, I know it can. I know it does for a number of people but in general I think the ones that find love and marriages( that last) are few and far between. I don't think any less of anyone thta uses them just don't think my chances are any higher on a dating site than just meeting someone anywhere. IRL.

Agreed, seems we are of one mind, but with different personal preferences.

Originally Posted by Luvmydog

Agreed, seems we are of one mind, but with different personal preferences.

I might add, I did meet my ex whom I was married to for over 13 years, online. not a dating site though.

[Ultra Darkness]

How the blank does online dating even work?

Originally Posted by Ultra Darkness

How the blank does online dating even work?

you put in your information, bio, information on what you're looking for, personality stuff, what you like, etc.. once you have your profile you can browse others or wait for them to find you... you can limit it to your own area or not...

[Ultra Darkness]

Sounds nerve-racking.

Originally Posted by Ultra Darkness

Sounds nerve-racking.

could be. I've never been able to finish a stupid profile on one of these sites so possibly the reason for my negative perspective on them.

[TheRealFDeal]

I don't necessarily agree with the idea that you're better off single, but one element that hasn't been mentioned is your boys (except with mention that they don't need a substitute mother). They will be affected if you enter into a relationship right now, and if it's up and down for you, it will be bad for them. If you got serious and they got attached and the relationship ends, it's bad times 3. Especially since you are essentially their only parent right now. And even if she's a bad or inadequate mother, it's still got to be a tremendous loss for them. It's not a bad idea to stay single and focus on them while they're still growing up.

(But I've never been a parent, so what do I know? Otoh, I have been a child for all of my life and know what it's like to be messed up by a parent.)

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I'd love to have a lady friend, companion or what not, that was there for me for all of the fun and even some of the "benefits" parts but without the commitment/relationship connections.

I want the same thing.

It's awful really...i mean, i want something because of a disorder that i can't have due to said disorder.

*sigh*

I'm guessing this may have already crossed your mind - but maybe having a relationship with someone who also has a personality disorder/traits is worth trying?

Anyway i just wanted to reassure you you're not alone in how you feel - hope you find the answer.

Originally Posted by Spockette

I want the same thing.

It's awful really...i mean, i want something because of a disorder that i can't have due to said disorder.

*sigh*

I'm guessing this may have already crossed your mind - but maybe having a relationship with someone who also has a personality disorder/traits is worth trying?

Anyway i just wanted to reassure you you're not alone in how you feel - hope you find the answer.

Thank you so much for your post, it's always encouraging to hear someone who deals with the same things as myself.

As for finding someone with disorders/traits, been there, done that. My ex was bp, ADHD, and who knows what else. It did not work out and lets just say that fights were nothing short of explosive. :/

Then again, I'm not lookign for anyone free of or with any disorder/mi. I'll be happy with someone that I can care about without all the mess.

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

I don't necessarily agree with the idea that you're better off single, but one element that hasn't been mentioned is your boys (except with mention that they don't need a substitute mother). They will be affected if you enter into a relationship right now, and if it's up and down for you, it will be bad for them. If you got serious and they got attached and the relationship ends, it's bad times 3. Especially since you are essentially their only parent right now. And even if she's a bad or inadequate mother, it's still got to be a tremendous loss for them. It's not a bad idea to stay single and focus on them while they're still growing up.

(But I've never been a parent, so what do I know? Otoh, I have been a child for all of my life and know what it's like to be messed up by a parent.)

I don't believe in doing all this stuff placing kids first in the sense of sacrificing your own happiness for them. What's worse, an unhappy dad that doesn't have any kind of joy because he sacrificed it for them or a dad that is happy getting on with his life, and can better focus and take care of them because of that? If I don't take care of me, the boys don't fully have me either.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Thank you so much for your post, it's always encouraging to hear someone who deals with the same things as myself.

As for finding someone with disorders/traits, been there, done that. My ex was bp, ADHD, and who knows what else. It did not work out and lets just say that fights were nothing short of explosive. :/

Then again, I'm not lookign for anyone free of or with any disorder/mi. I'll be happy with someone that I can care about without all the mess.

I think the closest i personally would get to fulfillment in this area is attempting kohlinahr and if miraculously succeeding, hook up with a mac lol

Maybe things will get better, maybe they won't - and if they get worse, well, hopefully i'll still see the funny side.

Good luck with Gamer Girl!

Originally Posted by Spockette

I think the closest i personally would get to fulfillment in that area is attempting kohlinahr and if miraculously succeeding, hook up with a mac lol

I'm not sure what that means

Maybe things will get better, maybe they won't - and if they get worse, well, hopefully i'll still see the funny side.

they will do both. it always gets better for a time, but there are always thorns in the bed of roses Seeing the lighter side of things is key to life IMO. hang in there!

Good luck with Gamer Girl!

I'm not too worried about this one. I know she's fond of me, even if just as a guy friend. We mostly talk tech stuff related to developing our mods together for Skyrim but did so pretty much all night.

but just gonna take it as it comes. I refuse to attach myself to someone that doesn't clearly make themselves available to me anymore