Thought I was Better...I was Wrong! Abandonment Fear!

I've been doing OK or So I thought....
Until Recently....

My Fiance never goes anywhere without me. But he has two Business opportunities coming up that are requiring him to go on two trips. To Amsterdam & Abu Dhabi.

They are REAL opportunities to make alot of money so I totally get why he has to explore them. But I am losing my mind with abandonment fears.

Before these trips came up we have been fighting NON stop about other things. I threaten to break up with him almost weekly.

I push and push and I guess he's finally had enough. Now he says he's done being treated like this and he's going on these trips no matter what.

I feel my WORST fear. Rejection. Abandonment.

The pain is so deep. I feel myself spiraling back to that dark spot. This is what happened with us two years ago. He promised me, my Dr's & my family he would take care of me no matter what and always be there for me. He said he understood my BPD.

I need advice and support on how to handle him leaving. Weather we stay together or break up it's going to be AWFUL. Unbearable.

Ah, abandonment. If I knew how to deal with it, then I wouldn't be having the same types of problems as you, but I can definitely reassure you that we're here for you whenever. I honestly don't think he's going to be breaking up with you. I mean, despite it all, he wants to marry you, so there must be some truth to him saying that he understands your BPD, right?

Hang in there! We're all here for you no matter what happens!

Sorry you are feeling so bad right now. Abandonment is the core issue, isn't it. But are you really reading a business trip as abandonment? Has he never gone away without you before? If so, he obviously came back. He will come back this time. Just take a minute to breathe. Let the extreme emotions you are feeling right now just settle down some. Then try to look at this from a reasonable and rational stand point. He needs to make these trips. Just because he promised to stay with you and take care of you, you still need to take a little care with how you treat him. You say that you "push and push". If you are aware that you are doing this, can you try to maybe back off a little? Are you in therapy right now? If not, you might want to consider getting back in. Things can get better and stay better for you, but you have to want them and be willing to work for them.

First thing you should do is find a way to calm things down before he leaves, use every ounce of mental energy to avoid ranting and freaking out on him even if it means you remain silent instead of talking. I dont' know if that's possible, that's very hard for me.. but just an example. The trip will go more smoothly (both of them) if you make sure you see him off on the best of notes. if you make it any worse, all it will do is pile onto your original fears. At worst is he could leave in the aftermath of an argument and you will ruminate, panic and fear the entire time he is gone. You'll have to deal with the fears anyway but.. if he leaves with you both on better terms, you'll have a better chance at not totally losing it.

Set yourself up for things that you can do and places you can be that will take your time, your energy and your mind to do. If you have even one friend that can support you and talk you down from any of your moments of extreme panic, call on them and tell them what is happening and what you need.

Idk just some ideas... I hope this helps and I wish you much luck *hugs*

S4

Just read S4's response and it's better than mine. I agree, try and have him leave on good terms if at all possible. He's coming back, and it's better if he is able to go and do his work knowing that you are okay.

Thank you everyone for the responses.

We are actually going to our couples therapist today. I went off my meds and stopped therapy a year ago. I'm happy to be off all the meds but I definitely should have continued therapy. I will be starting again for sure.

My fear isn't that he won't come back. My fear is that he will cheat. He has never cheated before. And I do trust him. BUT I feel like any man or women for that matter has it in them to cheat if they are put in compromising situations.

Just a little info about the trips....

The trip to Amsterdam is for a big electronic music conference / festival. He has some DJ's that he manages and he has to go there to network. So there will be conferences during the day but at night he will be going out to the festival. It's a HUGE PARTY. With drugs, alcohol, girls ect. Normally he would always bring me with him to this type of stuff. But I got a job now and can't go with him. Also it's a big expense to fly there. I'd have to quit my job in order to go.

The Abu Dhabi trip is to go schmooze with these guys who he is doing consulting work with. They basically are going to be "entertaining" my fiance and his partner. So yes, there will be some meetings. but there will also be socializing. And the Abu Dhabi guys are Billionaire's who have endless money to spend on "entertaining" their guests. I'm sure there will be girls lined up. My fiance says even if there are girls on a platter for him.. I should trust him. And if I don't then we shouldn't be together.

So what do you guys think? Should I trust him in these unique situations?

Why ask this group if you should trust him? We know nothing about him except what you say here. But in general, I think that without trust a relationship is simply doomed to fail. It sounds to me like you have a great guy who has gone "over and above" trying to maintain an intimate and loving relationship with you. You freely admit that he has never cheated before, (yet he has never been away without you, and therein lies the concern). You say that all men and women would cheat if put in a compromising situation. So, what if you end up in a "compromising situation" while he is away? Will you cheat on him? I have to agree with your fiance' on this one. If you can't trust him (especially in light of the fact that he has never given you any reason not too) then you shouldn't be together.

Good for you for heading back to couples therapy. Hopefully this will help.

There is no way to know whether your dude is trustworthy by our perspective but... based on the fact that he's never cheated, that, is what you should go by. Trust him based on reality, don't be suspicious of him because of your fears. that will surely put a wedge between you.

As for people who will cheat given the opportunity, let me take a moment to shatter your view. I am over 40, been married 2x and neither break up was ever due to my own infidelity. Marriages sucked that I was in but in no way did that ever give me an excuse to cheat. Was I given opportunity? Sure just like every other person on this earth we are faced with that every day. I can positively say if it were me, I wouldn't be in his position to go to a party without my SO but.. if I were, that isn't any different than every day life. there are women who would throw themselves at you and men that would take them up on it both attached and unattached but that does not say that it matters to me. when I am taken that's it. done. lock, stock and barrel. Sorry lady you can't have me, in other words. I'd like to believe I'm not all that unique in this and it sounds like you may have someone with the same views.

Trust when given reason to. Only let real events break that trust. I believe from what you've said you have no reason to not trust him but again that is based one what you've said here.

I agree with GeorgiaGirl. Until he gives you a reason not to trust him give him the benefit of the doubt. I do understand how you feel. except I was always the one going out of town. After a few days the anxiety gets pretty bad and I have to do the relaxation techniques my pdoc taught me. If therapy worked for you before I would say keep doing it. Hang in there and remember, we are all in this together and are here to listen.

Yea you guys are all right. If I don't trust him then I shouldn't be with him.

Thanks s4ndm4n2006 it actually really helps to have a guys perspective on this one.

And GeorgiaGirl....I'm very loyal and not promiscuous even when single so I don't think I would cheat. BUT if I were to put myself in situations where alcohol and drugs were involved in a party setting without my S/O then maybe sooner or later I could break. I'd like to say NO... but u never know. It's in a guys human nature to be with multiple women. I just feel like it's not the appropriate setting for a committed guy. Too much temptation. Although there is no proof he has cheated there have been some lies and things that make me not trust him. He's no angel.

Therapy went ok. But he basically bulldozed over me and wouldn't let me speak. He's got alot of anger built up towards me. I'm going to go see her on my own tomorrow morning to talk to he about my internal struggles. Some of my BPD symptoms are too much for him to listen to or understand.

She said she will help me while he's gone. I can go see her a couple times and she said she will call me every day.

The thing with him is he's never researched BPD to try to understand the disorder. He just assumed I'd get better. And I was doing WAY better. Until now. He doesn't understand that you can function well in society with BPD. But there are certain triggors that will bring the behaviors out. He's now saying that he can't deal with this the rest of his life. My Dr told me way back then that he didn't seem capable or mature enough to be able to handle someone like me long term. He was right. Cuz now he's giving up on me the first sign of trouble.

My heart is breaking. But I am lucky that I have family, friends and YOU GUYS to help me through. I truly appreciate all the helpful advice. I'm not going to let myself crumble like I did a couple years ago. I went to the lowest of lows and did the worst imaginable. I Won't do that again.

Hang in there.