[Angel of Bedlam]

One of the hardest things for me to deal with in my BPD is the extreme amount of self-hatred I feel for myself. I literally am disgusted by everything I say or do. Does anyone else have this issue? I want to harm myself so badly.

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I am having a hard time keeping the self hatred at bay today, and I too can only think of harming myself. Today I'm not exactly disgusted at myself, just fed up of being such an idiot. Especially when it comes to spending money I don't have. Actually, I guess I am disgusted.

But yes, I can definitely relate.

Is there anything you can do to distract yourself from thoughts of harming yourself? I just woke up from a nap I took to try to cope with it.

[Angel of Bedlam]

I'm working which gives me nothing but time to dwell, really. The self hatred I'm feeling has to do with something that happened over 6 months ago. I met my boyfriend on a Friday night when I went out. I had previously set up a date with someone the following day and went on the date because I had only just met him. The bottom line is something happened with date guy (not sex) and when my boyfriend asked later what went on, I told him nothing happened- mind you at this point we weren't dating but the fact still remains that I lied.

He's hurt and I hate myself for being such a f*** up and loser. I want to punish myself. No better way to do that than self harm.

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I'm sure your boyfriend can understand that at the time, you had only just met him so although you may have lied its not really that big a deal. I take it you recently told him the truth? This doesn't make you a f**k up or a loser though. I think given a little bit of time he will be fine with it.

[Angel of Bedlam]

I don't know. The thing is I met my boyfriend and was immediately smitten with him. I wanted to cancel the date the following day but he was coming from out of town and I felt like I had to do it. Even the physical things that happened were only because I felt obligated to do them, not because I wanted to or even really liked the other person. He had taken me out and paid for everything so I felt like I had to give him something physical. I used to feel that way all the time- it was before I was diagnosed and got treatment and therapy. My boyfriend said it makes him feel disgusting and not special- he is special!

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time too- I don't want to make this all about me and ignore you're feelings, you're having a hard time as well. I have an extreme problem with money. I used to ve so frivolous with it that I am getting ready to file bankruptcy (embarrassing but oh well). That impulse driven spending is what gets me- and that's directly related to BPD too.

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Just keep reminding him how special he is to you. How things were different then as you weren't getting the treatment you needed and didn't even understand what was going on yourself. And that it will obviously not happen again!!

Impulsive spending is a hard one. If only we could afford it it wouldn't be so bad...! A couple of months ago I stopped caring and now its caught up with me. But I still don't care enough to do anything about it. And I just end up looking like an idiot who can't stick to a budget...well, I am internet shopping just makes it so easy! :/

[Angel of Bedlam]

Lol. Remember you can still be a.good person even with a problem with spending. I am going to try and do those things and use DBT to radically accept the situation and remind me these urges will pass. Moods are transient.

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[atomicc]

I do have these feelings on a regular basis. I hate myself when I say something stupid, when I eat, when I think about my past. I cringe at myself at a regular basis. I disgust me.
I'm sorry you feel this way too.

[hawaii04]

YES! I get into those 'ruts' especially when nothing seems to be going right and for much I take the responsibility and guilt for. Even if it is other things/people it makes me somehow feel anxiously uncomfortable being me who catches all of the disgusting vibes for it. I usually experience the self-harm when I'm very angry over something, even minute things AGAIN and I get so damn fed up with myself I bang my head and so on . . . . . It is simply that release that feels like a fix, and in the end I feel even more stupid. It certainly isn't the answer.

[Angel of Bedlam]

I feel like the most disgusting and worthless person alive. I hate myself

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[wife22]

I hate myself and cringe on regular basis ,even for posting.i did initiate several threads and now feel stupid and annoyingly superfluous
But still part of me said I deserve e to be hAppy
Give him time ,he needs to digest the situation and remind him just how special he is for you ,that your diagnosis does not define you
Hang on there,things will be all right
Love and hugs

[hawaii04]

Remember it will pass; think about your good attributes, find something you like to do and focus on that or something nearby that you admire ~ even something small. Pick up magazine and get engaged in it for even just five minutes (a short YOU time). Take a walk if you can. Self hate does nothing worthwhile, even though it seems the only thing at times.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam

One of the hardest things for me to deal with in my BPD is the extreme amount of self-hatred I feel for myself. I literally am disgusted by everything I say or do. Does anyone else have this issue? I want to harm myself so badly.

I broke down on Tuesday (DH had to miss his night job) because I hate myself so much. I hate my body, I hate my brain and the way it makes me feel, I hate being an emotional basket case.

Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam

I have an extreme problem with money. I used to ve so frivolous with it that I am getting ready to file bankruptcy (embarrassing but oh well). That impulse driven spending is what gets me- and that's directly related to BPD too.

Don't be embarrassed. The reason for our credit proposal is we continued to use credit even when I was not well enough to continue to live the way we could when we were making lots of money. I had a bankruptcy 14 years ago. I swore I would never get to that point again. What we are doing is pay to a third party at a much lower interest rate and one payment instead of 6 different payments. The companies get their money and we take a credit hit for about 7 years. I am fine with the credit hit but I am a little concerned when it is time to renew our mortgage...

I feel similar a lot of the time. I feel ugly, socially awkward, you name it.
You are not alone in that.
-Hugs-