Exhausted from functioning

I don't remember the last time I didn't feel exhausted; maybe in my early teens, I'm not sure. It has become part of who I am. I feel like I'm in a constant struggle with myself trying to regulate my emotions, trying to focus my thoughts and refocus my thoughts, trying to block out negativity, trying to control my impulsive actions, trying to be a good mother, trying to be a good gf, trying to keep my jobs, just simply trying to function like a normal human being, only to fail miserably over and over again. One step forward and two steps back is my life. It is a never ending battle in my head; there is never EVER a moment of peace for me, even when I sleep. My mind never stops. I AM SO EXHAUSTED!!

life does seem like a never ending battle at times. what really helped me was taking dbt classes. it taught me how to regulate my emotions so I didn't feel like I was in this constant battle all the time. it really helped. take care.

Hi Withered-Rose, do you think maybe you're trying too hard at times e.g. is there anyone who can help with your child/children? or even if you could get together with other mothers at times to compare notes and get morale/support? Is your b/f doing all he can to give you some support- maybe talk to him and even if there are some more little things he can do to help that would be good, right? But alongside that is there anyway you could just make a bit more time just for yourself, take the strain off a bit?
And with the failing perhaps you're putting too high expectations on yourself considering the way you're feeling?? Perhaps some of those failures aren't quite as bad as you're perceiving them to be??
Although are you seeing a doctor/pdoc about how things are for you? Maybe medication or changes in medication could help. And you know, there may even be some undiagnosed health issue adding to all of this, worth checking?
Alison

i think the regulation of the emotions is the hardest part, this morning i was so down, now i feel great. the sun is shining and i was able to help someone today,
when you're down it seems to last forever, when you're up it seems to last not long enough, i'm trying to learn to appreciate these up moments in time because it seems like there's not enough of them, the failing over and over again has become like a way of life for me, i'm just trying to learn from the mistakes i seem to keep making and learn how to be happy

I feel very overwhelmed because the resources in every aspect of my life are limited. I have very few people to help me with my kids. My bf does what he can to make sure they get to ball games, band practice, etc. while I am at work at my night job. He's trying to help me with my finances, but he's broke too. My kids are old enough to tend to their own needs at home, but that doesn't relieve the guilt I feel for not being there for them as a mother. I rarely see them anymore. I've had to start working two jobs to support us and that takes up so much of my time and energy, not to mention has caused my mental health to take a major turn for the worse. I see someone at a mental health facility, but to be honest I've no idea what her title is. I go talk to this lady once every week or two, but she is not the actual doctor and doesn't have the ability to prescribe me medications or make a diagnosis about my health. I see the actual doctor once every three months and he is quack. It is very apparent that doesn't read my file and has no clue what is going on with me. He won't prescribe me medication because in the 10 minutes he spends with me, he concludes that I'm managing fine without meds despite me telling him I'm barely hanging on to my sanity. That is the only treatment center within 60 miles of the small town I live in, and I don't have the three or four hours a week that it would take for me to drive 60 miles away to obtain treatment and then drive back. The only available time that I have for myself is when I should be sleeping, and that time is limited as it is. I have always expected perfection from myself, but lately I've learned to lower my standards. However, I feel myself fast changing from a perfectionist to someone who does just enough to get by and to not get fired at work and just enough to keep my kids alive at home. I'm so overwhelmed that I feel like I'm about to go into a complete shut down. If that happens I will loose both jobs. I am screaming for help, but there is no one coming to my rescue. I was exhausted before I started my second job. I've lived over half of my life in a state of fatigue. I've had countless blood tests and a couple of MRI's, and I've seen a neurologist and a cardiologist, but no one can find anything wrong with me. I've given up looking. But now that I've taken on a second job, I can barely hold my head up. I can't keep going like this for much longer and I don't know what I'm going to do.

Hi Withered-Rose, it sounds like you've really been let down by your doctor. Is there anyone you could take to your appointments with you who could "more forcefully" insist that he listens to you and does more to help? And maybe write down exactly how you've been feeling so as he doesn't sway you from getting everything you want to get across to him, with his attitude. If it comes to it though could you put in a complaint to someone above him? or even someone higher than those at his practice if you needed to?
And just doing enough to get by is completely understandable, and absolutely fine considering the way you've been feeling.
I know just working two jobs in itself must be really hard for you, but is there any chance you could look to changing one of those jobs for a slightly easier one?? Just to compensate slightly??
As for your children I'd say that one of the most important things you can do for them is just to let them know that you love them and to keep on making sure that they don't forget that. If you're struggling to meet some of what you want to do with them, or to see them as much as you'd like to, that in itself should go a long way.
Alison

I hear you. I was diagnosed with PDNOS, not BPD, but as a child I had learned to expect perfection of myself, too. I'm 66 and fell apart after my husband died 15 years ago. Two years earlier when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer I knew that I was going to need help. The doctor had pronounced him "cured" of the cancer, hadn't actively looked for a recurrence, and then -- there it was, already metastasized. I felt let down and betrayed by the whole world -- sought counseling, it didn't help. After 4 years of (finally!) effective trauma therapy I now feel and understand how that was a repeat of how I felt after an unresolved, traumatizing experience in a hospital when I was 3. Both things really suck, but what can I do about either?

I've been in and out of therapy for 50 years -- nobody has known what to look for or how to treat the kind of difficulty I was having until recently. If you had ANY traumatic experiences in your background, even if you don't see that they were any worse than anybody else's, it might be worthwhile, if possible, to look for a trauma specialist therapist. Meltdown is one way to get to the core of the troubles, but definitely not a good way, and even in a melt-down state I saw many therapists who seemed not to have a clue. Made things worse, more desperate, etc. Best of luck, love yourself, too.

it sounds like you are pushing yourself to the limit, when we do that eventually we get to the point where we shut down, either voluntarily or automatically. i know when it gets really bad for me, i like to shut my cell off
and go down to a river by my house and just sit and stare at the water and forget about everything for about a half hour to an hour, it helps in times of extreme stress & in your situation it seems like you keep going and going and not giving yourself a chance to recover, this might be something you could do that is inexpensive, doesn't take a lot of time (since your time is limited) and is good to give you some "me time". maybe if you could set aside a half hour each day or every couple of days, it may help. hope this helps

Thank you, thank you. I relate with so much of your experience.
Thank you for suggesting the trauma specialist therapist.
I had no idea there was, other than for veterans/military, police, etc.
Last calendar year I lost 9 primary friends, to death, one in each month January through September. I am still reeling from and go down into mourning from time to time. No one I know understands the trauma.

Thanks again.
Hopefully there will be trauma specialty therapists in this rough and rugged corner of the world.

Yes, I did have major childhood trauma. Oddly my therapist doesn't touch on the subject. We're always discussing present events. Thanks for suggestion trauma therapy.

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I don't suffer from daily exhaustion, but generally holding myself together and keeping my grip on my bpd leash has me tired out every 3 months. I as per my usual habit of laughing at myself call this my coma / narcoleptic week.

I swear during the first 2 days I'm comatose and cannot stay awake for shyt. I only stay awake long enough to use the bathroom, I don't even eat.

Therafter I have narcolepsy and will fall asleep at random. Mid convo, mid meal, on my way to change my clothes ...

Its frustrating to say the least, but on the bright side its not a daily occurrence for me.

From this angle it looks like you're juggling way too many balls at once, therapy and some good ole peer support from those around you seems like it will do you a world of good.