Relationship advice needed

I feel torn between wanting my bf (age 46) to move out and wanting him to stay. I love him deeply and I have no doubt that he loves me too. He loves me in spite of my BPD. He promises he will never leave me and I believe him. Being with him relieves my fear of abandonment and of being alone. The relationship brings me a sense of comfort and security that helps to keep me grounded and focused. He helps me around the house, helps with my kids, helps pay the bills, and is just there for me in general. He holds me when I’m upset, gives me space when I want to be alone and is beside me when I wake up with nightmares. He tolerates my never ending mood swings, my outbursts of rage and my sometimes cold, hateful words. All of that being said, he is struggling with his own undiagnosed mental health issues, and I think we feed off of each other’s negativity. He has an issue with lying. Couple that with my paranoia and I find myself questioning everything he says to me. Yesterday he lied to my teenage daughter about some candy that went missing from her bedroom. He told her he didn’t know what happened to the candy, when in fact he is the one that took it. Two years ago I suspected him of taking a handheld Nintendo and games that belong to my pre-teen son. He very well could be innocent, but the strong circumstantial evidence pointed to him having taken the game, so for the last two years every time my son has lost something I wonder if my bf took it. I see him lie to and manipulate other people to get things he wants. I’ve seen him steal things from work (gloves, batteries, safety glasses, etc) and he says he’s entitled to these things because he doesn’t get paid enough for the job he does. He feels like he was dealt a crappy hand in life and because of that the world owes him something. He uses people and then discards them when he’s done. Me and my children could make it financially without him, because I work two jobs. If he moves out, I don’t think he could make it financially without me unless he gets a second job. Because of this, my brother (who is my best friend) says my bf is using me. I don’t know if he is or not, because I have a hard time standing back and looking at the bigger picture of what’s going on in my life. My brother looks at my life and very plainly says to me, “you are living with a lying thief who is using you and you need to kick him out.” For me it’s not that simple; I think about all of my faults and all the things he puts up with out of me and I wonder if I’m a hypocrite if I’m not understanding of his faults in return. My brain tells me to get rid of him and my heart tells me to keep him. I don’t know what to do. If you’ve managed to make it to the end of this, advice is much appreciated.

Hi Rose,
I feel your pain, this is a very tough situation. You have you and your children to keep safe, happy and healthy. It sounds like you are working very hard to provide for and maintain a family atmosphere. Is it a safe and secure, does it provide you with warmth, care and a sense of "home"? Or, does it stress every ounce of life, self worth and value out of you, just to keep on going and pushing, pushing, pushing everyday?

You asked for advice, honestly fear is the only thing standing in your way.
I have been right where you are standing. You are responsible for YOU and YOUR children that's it. YOU have all the answers. Weigh the pros and cons of this situation, your worth and values and children are observing whether you see it or not.
Jade

IMHO, it sounds like he needs therapy, not that you should kick him out. i would sit back and weight the pros and the cons and make a decision from there..

so lets take a quick look...
pros
helps with the bills
helps with the kids
tolerates cold words
tolerates mood swings
relieves fear of abandonment
gives you comfort and security
keeps you grounded so you can focus

cons
tells lies
steals things
lies to manipulate people

from an impartial standpoint, both you guys need each other or to put it another way, are using each other & that's ok, not in a bad way or is it a bad thing, i see it as he would have a hard time making it financially without you &
you probably will have a hard time making it emotionally without him, i'll put it to you like this, don't be so quick to put someone out because they have faults, we all do..this is the mistake i made with my ex and i'm sitting here all alone as i type this, suffering. should he have stole the candy, of course not.
is it the end of the world, no. maybe he took the game, maybe he didn't but that bears the burden of proof. it sounds like he just needs some help, too. if you could get him to get diagnosed that would be great, talk to him about it.
yes he could be a lying thief, this is true & that sounds bad, but it could be much much worse, good luck

Thanks for the advice. You both have valid points. I wish my emotions would get off of this rollercoaster long enough for me to make this decision. One minute I can't live without him and the next minute I can't stand the sight of him. Sighhh....

ah ,BPD, you gotta love it, right? i'm on the roller coaster ride right now,
had to get all the laundry done earlier while i still could before a mood swing hit,
sucks that we gotta go through this!

I hung the laundry out a few days ago crying, depressed and thinking how nice the bathroom cupboard would look once painted! BPD is tiring! Anyway I think you'll make the right decision in the end, wait until you feel more settled in yourself. My motto is don't dump your partner or quit your job when extremely emotional!

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Withered-Rose79 Thanks for the advice. You both have valid points. I wish my emotions would get off of this rollercoaster long enough for me to make this decision. One minute I can't live without him and the next minute I can't stand the sight of him. Sighhh....

This is all you need to keep reading, over and over.

Quote:

I feel torn between wanting my bf (age 46) to move out and wanting him to stay. I love him deeply and I have no doubt that he loves me too. He loves me in spite of my BPD. He promises he will never leave me and I believe him. Being with him relieves my fear of abandonment and of being alone. The relationship brings me a sense of comfort and security that helps to keep me grounded and focused. He helps me around the house, helps with my kids, helps pay the bills, and is just there for me in general. He holds me when I’m upset, gives me space when I want to be alone and is beside me when I wake up with nightmares. He tolerates my never ending mood swings, my outbursts of rage and my sometimes cold, hateful words. All of that being said, he is struggling with his own undiagnosed mental health issues, and I think we feed off of each other’s negativity.

We've had discussions about therapy before. He is against it. It actually took me a long time to seek therapy for myself because he has always spoken so negatively about it. I felt like he was going to think I was an idiot for seeking treatment. I finally reached a point that I had no choice but to seek therapy if I wanted to continue to exist. He would rather be isolated and miserable than seek help.

I'm afraid of getting too close to anyone. I need to figure out a way to overcome this fear. any ideas?

Hi withered-rose, I read everyone else's posts here, and I respect all of their opinions, but here is my take on your situation. Yes, he may do a few household chores, contribute a little bit of money to the monthly expenses, make a few meals, put up with your ever changing emotional status, and hold you close when you wake in the night from a terror. Those are all great things, and are you lucky to have them? Sure. But what I read at the end of your statement that really bothered me was that he is a habitual liar. And when someone is a habitual liar to the point of lying about something as trivial as steeling your child's candy, what else is he lying to you about. Because they just can't help themselves. It's ingrained into their brains. Lying is as easy to them as breathing is to us. He's already proven it to you with the stealing from his work. Right now it's small things as far as you know. If he has this entitlement feeling, it won't get better. I've seen and knownt others like this. What happens when he ends up putting you in the middle of receiving stolen property? Even if you don't know, if it's in your house, your possession, you will be charged. Are you willing to take that chance? You already said that he is very against therapy. Even if you get him to go, if he's only going to appease you, and not to get help, he's not going to change. Okay, off my soap box now, and sorry so long, I just wanted you to have both sides so you could really make an informed decision. You did say that the two of you together are toxic. I've had relationships like that, and sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, sometimes you have to love yourself first, and end the relationship because it's best for both of you.

haven't heard from you in a while, any updates?