[isntlifewonderful]

I'm extremely scared of my parents leaving me. I'm turning 18 in 6 months, my father litteraly hated and abused my guts when I was younger and my mother's ill. They don't want me to live at home cause I'm a danger to myself according to them, so I've been at this institution for a couple of months now. I hate it here. I want to be with my parents. I miss them so much. So now I keep trying to make them feel bad, threatening to never talk to them again if they wont take me back home, selfharming or threatening to commit suicide a lot etc. I never wanted to hurt them, I just wanted them to take me back and love them... it wasn't untill today, when one of the people who work here said "Sweetie, can't you see what you're doing? You're manipulating your parents. From what I've heard from your mom you've been doing this since you were a child... she keeps on asking why you're doing this to them because she loves you so much". I'm a terrible person. But I don't know how to stop. I'm disgusting.
Anyone else who does these sort of things without even realizing? How do you stop yourself from doing so?

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sounds like you have a lot of reason to have some deep anger towards your parents......

It has been a long time since I was your age - so I doubt that I accurately remember how I felt..... it is a turbulent time for anyone. But, I know that one of my therapists has been working with me because my oldest child turned 18 recently and will be off to college soon....... What she said is that it is very normal for ALL kids who are close to moving out to act out more.... kind of wanting to create conflict. Creating an anger buffer between themselves and those who will be left behind (parents/siblings) - with the hidden-hope that it lessens the pain of leaving them.

Maybe that is some of what you are feeling.?.?.?

[ifst5]

It doesn't sound like either situation is ideal to be honest. Yes we have behaviours which are unacceptable and need looking at - but BPD is a disorder based around reactions, triggers. It can't have been fun growing up with a father who abused you - or dealing with a mum who's now sick. So maybe readjusting your parents priority in your life is important action to take. Because they won't be around forever and you want to be able to enjoy them in a way that's balanced and has boundaries. But they have to reciprocate this. We can't change people who don't want too - so it may well be the case that eventually you make a measured choice about how much they factor into your life at all. But for now, I hope at this facility you're learning how to deal with personal interaction better, what about some work on the behaviour towards you in early life? To answer your last question more specifically; i think working towards your own life and what you want from it should be paramount at your age. You have a right to your own being and sense of self - use this facility to further that quest. All the best.

I'm not entirely sure how to put my thoughts into words so I apologize for any nonsense.

I was every bit 'that' borderline not so long ago and I have done some truly horrible things in my efforts to be loved but something I am learning is that we do not necessarily equal our actions.

The action was bad but we acted out of a feeling of honesty. That you regret your actions says that you're a good person despite what you may or may not have done.

I don't know how to fix it. I'm only really just reaching that place myself but I guess as long as you are willing to look at your actions and try to understand why you do them and in turn change then you are on the right path because in the end we are the only one's who can take responsibility for ourselves.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by isntlifewonderful

I'm extremely scared of my parents leaving me. I'm turning 18 in 6 months, my father litteraly hated and abused my guts when I was younger and my mother's ill. They don't want me to live at home cause I'm a danger to myself according to them, so I've been at this institution for a couple of months now. I hate it here. I want to be with my parents. I miss them so much. So now I keep trying to make them feel bad, threatening to never talk to them again if they wont take me back home, selfharming or threatening to commit suicide a lot etc. I never wanted to hurt them, I just wanted them to take me back and love them... it wasn't untill today, when one of the people who work here said "Sweetie, can't you see what you're doing? You're manipulating your parents. From what I've heard from your mom you've been doing this since you were a child... she keeps on asking why you're doing this to them because she loves you so much". I'm a terrible person. But I don't know how to stop. I'm disgusting.
Anyone else who does these sort of things without even realizing? How do you stop yourself from doing so?

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

i have done it many times don't mean to, can't help it.
glad to see you're posting a lot more...i haven't been posting myself much as i have been running a muck, LOL! but getting back on topic, i haven't manipulated my parents much because we have never been close.

i have done it only because i want what i want (mainly attention more than anything!) i know that i am a monster but i don't mean to be! he he, just kinda happens that way! sometimes i realize it..other times i don't care and do it anyway.

i have found that if i keep my walls up and keep people from getting too close to me i can control it better, if they get to close i begin to want more and more from them and then things tend to get ugly(oops,sorry about that)

realizing what you are doing is probably the first step, but it's hard..really hard.it's just something we do, it's part of what we are.a lot of times it will happen automatically & depending on my emotional state i will decide whether i want to try and control it or not..if i am really distraught or want something really badly all bets are off..i'm willing to try whatever i think will work to help me get what i want.idk if this will help..hope so!

[Wysteria]

Dear ILW,

I think one of the most important things to remember with BPD is that we are exquisitely aware and sensitive and often in pain. People in pain lash our and consciously and unconsciously lash out to get relief.

But that doesn't absolve us from the pain we cause others, NOR does it mean that we are monsters or bad. We just feel more and it is often painful.

So, we have a choice. Do we ask for what we need and take into consideration the needs/wants/feelings/pain of others, or do we try to force or control others into doing what WE want.

If being manipulative and hurting others and trying to force others is not working for you, perhaps it is time to sit down and learn some other ways to get our needs met.

That is what DBT and other therapies help us to do. To put our own needs on hold long enough to make better choice. To tolerate the pain for a bit, look at our choices, look at the way we are thinking, and choose a different path.

If you really want to spend time with your parents and have a better relationship, and threats and cajoling have not worked, what will? Try to make a list of things you have NOT tried and a list of things that you did that your parents did appreciate and respond to. Ask for help from the staff there or therapists with how other people make healthy connections and tolerate the pain of possible rejection.

If everything that you have been doing is not working and is taking you further away from your goal of connection and meaningful relationships, what are some things you have NOT tried. What are some ways to get your feelings out (journaling, throwing ice at a brick wall, crying, talking to a therapist, drawing, deep breathing and relaxation techniques, etc) while also seeing people for who they are and what they need and sure knowledge that their needs are every bit as great as your own....and think of new ways to approach the situation.

Just wanted to put it out there for you to think about. Since you are in the institution with all of those professionals around to help you, why not try reaching out and asking them for ideas to help you get what you really want?

Gentle hugs and best wishes,

Wysteria Blue

[cboxpalace]

Originally Posted by isntlifewonderful

I never wanted to hurt them, I just wanted them to take me back and love them...

In someways I think you may be manipulating yourself and/or us. You love them, but what I think you really want is for them to love you back. I think most often is the case that we don't know how to ask for what we really need from another person that we rely on manipulation to get it.

Anyone else who does these sort of things without even realizing?

Most of us if not all of us.

How do you stop yourself from doing so?

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The fact you're aware that you're doing this is a big step in the right direction. The next time you catch yourself about to do this try and do the opposite by asking for what you really need. That's all you can do is ask, but you're not entitled to have them act in the way you want them to. The reality is they may not even though you go about it the right way, but what you have to try and realize is you're also not getting what you want by going about it the wrong way.

[manxcatwoman]

Originally Posted by isntlifewonderful

I'm extremely scared of my parents leaving me. I'm turning 18 in 6 months, my father litteraly hated and abused my guts when I was younger and my mother's ill. They don't want me to live at home cause I'm a danger to myself according to them, so I've been at this institution for a couple of months now. I hate it here. I want to be with my parents. I miss them so much. So now I keep trying to make them feel bad, threatening to never talk to them again if they wont take me back home, selfharming or threatening to commit suicide a lot etc. I never wanted to hurt them, I just wanted them to take me back and love them... it wasn't untill today, when one of the people who work here said "Sweetie, can't you see what you're doing? You're manipulating your parents. From what I've heard from your mom you've been doing this since you were a child... she keeps on asking why you're doing this to them because she loves you so much". I'm a terrible person. But I don't know how to stop. I'm disgusting.
Anyone else who does these sort of things without even realizing? How do you stop yourself from doing so?

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

I'm taking your side, isntlifewonderful. I don't see you as being manipulative just because you want to be with your parents. You're only 18. I guess there's something to be said for "tough love" but I don't believe in parents leaving their kids behind for any reason. They brought us into this world. We didn't ask to be born.

That doesn't mean that some type of family therapy shouldn't take place.