A secret

serolod · Jul 11, 2014, 11:15 AM

I'll try to squeeze 30 yrs of life in here, I need some advice so if you're willing to read it, thank you!

I've never been diagnosed borderline. I've never even seen a psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist. I'm 30 yrs old and I've gone through some terrible times that I won't go into here b/c reading through the forums, I see you've all been there.

I've been this way ever since I can remember, especially with the attachment issues, I always had them ever since I was very little. Then my family picked up and moved me to a new country when I was 12 and that really did a number on me. The pain was unbearable and everyday I thought I would die. I didn't know how but I was sure that the emotional pain would be enough to one day kill me. I never talked about it and my parents never thought there was anything wrong so I never got help.

Things didn't get really super bad until I started going out with my now husband when I was about 19. The crazy really came out and we went through some really intense times... thinking back, I have no idea why he stayed with me. Of course thrown in there were failed friendships, depression and just perpetual emotional pain. Up to this point I had no idea there could be something wrong with me. I chalked it up to being too sensitive or emotional or my mom being moody so then I must be too.

Anyway, thankfully hubby is good at expressing his feelings and even though I felt attacked for so long I started realizing some of the things he said actually made sense. It was me that wasn't making sense, which was nuts and took me years to come to terms with. He kept saying things that made me feel like my feelings (and reactions to those feelings) were wrong or extreme... but how could they be?? that's what I felt, how could they be wrong?? It hurt, it's what I felt! Don't tell me how to feel!

Anyway, I can write a thousand pages about that but I started doing some research online trying to understand what was going on. Are my feelings, actions, thoughts really not normal or inappropriate? Do other people not feel this way? WTH is wrong with me and why does it hurt so bad?? Nothing really made sense, I had some episodes of depression... but that wasn't it, that didn't explain ME.

I eventually came across BPD, and I couldn't believe what I was reading!! Everything made so much sense, it was like reading a book about my life. I never really self harmed, I thought about cutting all the time, but I only did it once. The only thing that stopped me was fear of my parents and/or my bf finding out. I've always been afraid of my parents knowing bad things about me. I never want to disappoint them... it's a huge fear I've always had, ever since I can remember, that's just how I grew up.

Since I was never diagnosed I can't say for sure I'm BPD, but reading about it helped me have a better understanding about myself and more importantly my reactions to certain things (who am I kidding, my overreactions to EVERYTHING!) I started trying to work on controlling my thoughts (for example, not getting angry if the bf said he'd call at 8pm but instead he called at 8:05pm).Of course that was nearly impossible as thoughts would race inside my head a million miles an hour and in those 5 minutes I'd have constructed full stories of why he didn't call and how he forgot about me and how he just didn't care. I hated him for it, we'd have huge fights, I'd cry all the time, and he would think I was insane for going off on him for no reason. This happened all the time.

One time I decided I would tell him I thought I had BPD. Mostly b/c I wanted him to read about it. I wanted him to read and understand that I didn't do stuff on purpose, that I wasn't making stuff up. That I felt these emotions so strongly that I couldn't control my reactions to them, that they were REAL TO ME. That I felt he was hurting me when he thought he wasn't doing anything wrong. I built up enough strength to send him an email... with links and all. I told him I'm sure I have BPD and to read about it. He replied "there's nothing wrong with you". And that was that.

Skip a whole lot of stuff and fastfoward to today, I've changed A LOT. Bf and I got married, I have a job, a house and a young baby. I still have to control my thoughts and my feelings. Relationships with frends are scary and I'm working on it.

Everything SEEMS ok. But I'm terrified! Sometimes I get exhausted... emotionally exhausted. I just can't do it. Like I have been going full steam for so long and I can't handle it anymore. What happens when I explode? What happens when I can't do it anymore? It's like this huge secret, this huge lie... trying to be normal so nobody knows the crazy inside my head. We've been super busy with the house and the baby and this and that... but there are certain things that send my emotions out of whack.

What happens when his friend decides to come visit?? I've always been the absolute worst when his friend is around. Thankfully he lives far away so we see him every few years. I hate him. I hate my husband when he's with him. Even when they're not doing anything wrong. i THINK I have a reason for hating him and feeling the way I do, but I'm not sure anymore. The first time I met him was over 10yrs ago and stuff that happened then is why I feel this way towards him and my husband with him. But I can't remember if I was being rational or not.

Hubby and I have not been communicating very well lately. We're having a bit of a bumpy road with the house and the baby and whatnot. I've tried to fix it (the communication)... but it's not the same. This makes me nervous b/c I might not know if I'm overreacting to certain things or if I'm f'ing things up. Also.. WORK. Work is VERY difficult sometimes. As in... it's difficult to even go to work. I do it.. but then I end up not doing much while I'm there (I'm there now!). I'm afraid one day I simply will NOT BE ABLE TO CONTINUE. It gets really tiring. BUt I keep going b/c otherwise we'd have no house and I want the best for my daughter (also my parents live with us too), but what happens when I just can't anymore?

I've contemplated seeing someone before (therapy). But then I'm doing so well that I think I'm fine. Until I become drained and feel like I can't hold it together anymore. Do you guys think therapy would be appropriate?

Things that deter me from seeing a therapist:

1.Having to discuss it with my husband/my parents. I'm "normal", there's nothing wrong with me. What would I even say? This is one of those things that would be nearly or just plain impossible for me to talk about. I don't know why, but the words just won't come out.

2.Spending money every week or every couple of weeks for a therapist stresses me out. I could use that for a,b, c. I went to yoga for a bit and even acupuncture to relieve stress. I stopped b/c the thought of spending that money stressed me more than just not going. Also the time that I'd spend away from home... not being with my daughter would stress me out too.

3.I don't need it. Do I need it? I've made a lot of progress without any professional help. What's to say I can't continue this way? Maybe I'm not even BPD. Or maybe I was, but I'm "cured". Maybe I can handle whatever is left over on my own. ??

4. Finally, and I just thought of this... we might want to adopt a child later on. I don't want anything to prevent me from doing that. I'm a little paranoid they'll say I'm not fit b/c of this or that.

NOBODY knows about this. Well, that's not true. One of my friends knows about it. She's BPD (and a whole lot of other stuff). She was diagnosed just a little while ago. It then made so much sense why we understood each other so well! Everybody else just thought she was nuts. Anyway, she's gone from bad to worse and couldn't continue working. She's moved out of the country so I only talk to her on occasion, but I never bother her with my issues as hers are much bigger than mine.

waiting4 · Jul 11, 2014, 12:04 PM

Ok...first....BREATHE!!! Bless you, I've been right where you are right now..and I know it's overwhelming...hell it's overwhelming just reading what you've been thru/are going thru. (hugsss)

YES, I think therapy would be appropriate. You should not have to do this alone, and even tho you think you're fine working thru it, there are so many tools that a T can give you that you don't know of yet. Not to mention, working thru past issues that you haven't even addressed yet, even as you think you have. Remembering stuff that happened when you were a child is NOT the same as managing how it made you feel, understanding the hurt, fear, depression it left you with.

First things first....I'm not sure in your state (country) if you need to be referred by a psychiatrist but if so, make an appointment asap. Get an official dx....THEN worry about what to tell your parents/husband/family. In fact, once you enter therapy, your T can help explain this disorder with you to your family, if you think it would help....and in my opinion, it will....it helped me with my family.

Don't worry about costs or frequency of visit UNTIL you get your dx and UNTIL you speak to your T the first time. He or she can advise a schedule that will help without breaking the bank ... most T's are very accomodating, if they see you are serious about trying to get better.

Don't worry about the adoption issue right now, either, darlin. That is in the future; again a T can help you with this issue (understanding the ramifications etc). Right now...and I can't say this clearly enough....YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU....for yourself, your child, and your husband. Everything else can wait.

Not you. You've waited long enough. Do this for you, but do it with help. People who suffer with BPD spend too much of their lives fighting dragons and demons alone....when we can get help, we often feel we're not worthy enough or our issues are not important enough. That's the disorder talking. It's not true.

You are important and worthy and you need help to help you. And there is help to be had, so please please do this for you. You'll be glad you did.

The relief of having someone to understand and guide you, is almost as overwhelming as the realization of BPD...but in so much a better way.

Take care

serolod · Jul 11, 2014, 12:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by waiting4

Ok...first....BREATHE!!! Bless you, I've been right where you are right now..and I know it's overwhelming...hell it's overwhelming just reading what you've been thru/are going thru. (hugsss)

YES, I think therapy would be appropriate. You should not have to do this alone, and even tho you think you're fine working thru it, there are so many tools that a T can give you that you don't know of yet. Not to mention, working thru past issues that you haven't even addressed yet, even as you think you have. Remembering stuff that happened when you were a child is NOT the same as managing how it made you feel, understanding the hurt, fear, depression it left you with.

First things first....I'm not sure in your state (country) if you need to be referred by a psychiatrist but if so, make an appointment asap. Get an official dx....THEN worry about what to tell your parents/husband/family. In fact, once you enter therapy, your T can help explain this disorder with you to your family, if you think it would help....and in my opinion, it will....it helped me with my family.

Don't worry about costs or frequency of visit UNTIL you get your dx and UNTIL you speak to your T the first time. He or she can advise a schedule that will help without breaking the bank ... most T's are very accomodating, if they see you are serious about trying to get better.

Don't worry about the adoption issue right now, either, darlin. That is in the future; again a T can help you with this issue (understanding the ramifications etc). Right now...and I can't say this clearly enough....YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU....for yourself, your child, and your husband. Everything else can wait.

Not you. You've waited long enough. Do this for you, but do it with help. People who suffer with BPD spend too much of their lives fighting dragons and demons alone....when we can get help, we often feel we're not worthy enough or our issues are not important enough. That's the disorder talking. It's not true.

You are important and worthy and you need help to help you. And there is help to be had, so please please do this for you. You'll be glad you did.

The relief of having someone to understand and guide you, is almost as overwhelming as the realization of BPD...but in so much a better way.

Take care

Wow, thanks so much, I can't believe you actually read all that. Thank you. I kind of know I should see someone, but having you say it makes me feel better about it. I def. feel like it's not important enough (or at all really) so I put it off and off and off. Until I shut down and can't go on. Also the fact that I'm even on this forum... why am I here? What's happened that brought me here?

Now the battle in my head will be to actually make that appointment. I tend to freeze. I actually have the card of a psychologist in my wallet. I've had it for years. I never called. My scheduled is pretty rigid... I go to work, leave work, go home to my daughter (my parents watch her while I'm at work), later my husband comes home, then we do it all again the next day. If I make even just one appointment I'll have to change my schedule and explain to quite a few people where I've been. :

: Why is that so hard for me? I feel nauseous just thinking about it.

waiting4 · 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by serolod

Wow, thanks so much, I can't believe you actually read all that. Thank you. I kind of know I should see someone, but having you say it makes me feel better about it. I def. feel like it's not important enough (or at all really) so I put it off and off and off. Until I shut down and can't go on. Also the fact that I'm even on this forum... why am I here? What's happened that brought me here?

Now the battle in my head will be to actually make that appointment. I tend to freeze. I actually have the card of a psychologist in my wallet. I've had it for years. I never called. My scheduled is pretty rigid... I go to work, leave work, go home to my daughter (my parents watch her while I'm at work), later my husband comes home, then we do it all again the next day. If I make even just one appointment I'll have to change my schedule and explain to quite a few people where I've been. :

: Why is that so hard for me? I feel nauseous just thinking about it.

Trust me I know exactly how you feel....but once you do it, and once you get there, you'll feel so much better. I get that way about other things...anything that I just KNOW is gonna stress me out, makes me shut down and want to throw up for hours...and because of it I, too, put things I need to do off.

Most recently: had to buy a car. Mine is an old beater now, had it since 2003 and the engine was on it's last wheels. I HAD to get a car for reliable transportation...but the thought of doing so freaked me out. I put it off, over and over. Finally I asked my ex H if he would go with me..sort of moral support and he agreed readily (we're good friends)..but just getting to his house so he could drive me to the dealership was awful. Once there I burst into tears...my ex H poured me a shot of whiskey and after about a half hour we went. All my fears were for naught (of course)..it was time consuming but I got a good deal and left with a car. I was just so freaked that I literally felt paralysed but my ex H knew how I would be and was totally helpful to me.

The moral of the story???? We tend to freak out and only because of what we KNOW is going to happen, which rarely if ever is what WILL happen. It's in the nature of BPD and the disorders continued effort to lie to us and terrorize us.

You'll feel better. Trust me. It will be a hurdle lept and a battle won. There will be others...but this one, will be remembered as the first...and the first is always wonderfully fullfilling.

Take care

We're here for you if you need us, don't forget!!

Oh, and why are you here? Because you needed answers other than what you've found yourself, from people who might have an understanding of what you're going thru...have been thru.

It's why most of us, if not all of us, find ourselves here--whether recommended by someone, or discovered on our own. Here, we can be helped and reassured...and we can help and reassure others as well, if possible.

waiting4 · Jul 11, 2014, 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by serolod

If I make even just one appointment I'll have to change my schedule and explain to quite a few people where I've been. :

: Why is that so hard for me? I feel nauseous just thinking about it.

The only person you MAY have to explain the appt to is your husband. And that's out of respect and to keep him in the loop...but advising is NOT the same thing as 'asking permission' so remember, that's not what you're doing. He is already aware that you are suffering...whether he wants to admit it or not. At this point, you're only responsibility is to tell him you feel it's time that you speak to someone about the issues, he no doubt has noticed (that you did not outright explain) that you don't have any other requests of him, except that he support your desire to feel less stressed. That's it.

For everyone else, they need only know you have an appointment that requires your time (in case your parents will be requested to watch your child a little longer/until your husband picks her up) and that's it. If they want to know what that is, simply pull a 'miss manners'....said with a smile, "Your concern is unneccesary, but thank you! I'll return when I'm done or (insert hubbys name) will pick up our daughter at (insert time)."

Remember, this is about you, and is no ones business but yours and your husbands. One hurdle at a time....Btw...practice saying that in the mirror if you have to, until you can get it past your teeth without fear...to where it feels almost rote. I had to do so...and it was infinately helpful when I had to use it on MY family.

Take care...

Rapunzel · Jul 11, 2014, 01:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by serolod

1.Having to discuss it with my husband/my parents. I'm "normal", there's nothing wrong with me. What would I even say? This is one of those things that would be nearly or just plain impossible for me to talk about. I don't know why, but the words just won't come out.

2.Spending money every week or every couple of weeks for a therapist stresses me out. I could use that for a,b, c. I went to yoga for a bit and even acupuncture to relieve stress. I stopped b/c the thought of spending that money stressed me more than just not going. Also the time that I'd spend away from home... not being with my daughter would stress me out too.

3.I don't need it. Do I need it? I've made a lot of progress without any professional help. What's to say I can't continue this way? Maybe I'm not even BPD. Or maybe I was, but I'm "cured". Maybe I can handle whatever is left over on my own. ??

4. Finally, and I just thought of this... we might want to adopt a child later on. I don't want anything to prevent me from doing that. I'm a little paranoid they'll say I'm not fit b/c of this or that.

Seeing a therapist doesn't make you not normal. It just means that you have been struggling with something and now you are ready to take it on and you could use some help with that. Emotional stuff just keeps building up over time if you aren't taking care of it. Like with medical stuff. You can have a cold and you can deal with it and it's okay. If you keep having colds and it never goes away, you could go to the doctor and find out if it might be allergies or something else and if you can get some help. If you are in a car crash you go to the doctor and get checked out and get treatment if you need it. Does any of that make you not normal? Therapists help people to work through issues. Everybody has issues. Some people don't take care of it when they need to and it keeps on growing. Some people get help and take care of it.

You can say the same things that you said here. You can just say that you are having a hard time and you want to be the best mom/wife/daughter that you can be.

I have a history similar to yours. When I was 30 years old we didn't have money and I didn't have a car and my husband never helped with anything and if I wanted to go somewhere he made me take all the kids with me. I dreamed of having 5 minutes to myself with nobody making demands on me. I guess that I knew I wasn't okay, but I was holding it together, until I got to the breaking point and I couldn't anymore. You have to take care of yourself. If you don't, you will run dry and you will not be able to take care of anyone. Would you rather spend one hour once every week or two away from your daughter, or wait until it gets worse and maybe have to spend a week or so away from your daughter and spend thousands of dollars. It might not get to that point, but if you get help when it isn't nearly that bad, you can make sure that it doesn't get to that point.

If you go to a therapist, you still have to do your own work. Therapists can't change you or fix you (not that you are broken), but they can help you to do the work that you do more effectively, and can give you resources and teach you skills that you might not find on your own. If you are already able to do your own work and you have worked through things on your own, then you can still benefit from therapy but you will make progress a lot faster than someone who hasn't learned that they have to do their own work.

The times when things don't seem too bad are the best times for therapy, because you have the energy to put into it. If you are in the middle of a crisis, therapy can't do much because you are too busy putting out fires.

Going to therapy isn't a reason for not being able to adopt a child. Taking care of any issues you have is commendable and will make you a better parent.

At the least, you are a sensitive person who has experienced a lot of emotional invalidation. Therapy can help you to be able to accept yourself as you are, and know how to present that to the important people in your life. Emotional invalidation hurts. It is traumatic. You can't "feel wrong." You feel how you feel. You have choices about how you express that or what you do about that. BPD is a result of a person who is sensitive being invalidated and told that the way she feels can't be how she feels. She learns to suck it up and hold it in and not show how she feels. Until she can't anymore. Then she blows up. Then they tell her that there was no reason for her to blow up because she wasn't that upset before. The only way to get her needs met was to blow it out of proportion because when she tried without blowing it up they told her she was wrong. It is crazy-making. Therapy can help you sort it out and address things effectively and appropriately.

serolod · 02:00 PM

You guys make so much sense I feel like crying. I'm so used to feeling "wrong" all the time yet here I make some sense. That's new. Thank you.

Edit: What do you think about talking to a friend about it? Not going into it just saying I might look into some therapy for some issues I'm dealing with. I'm so nervous sharing certain things with friends because of attachment issues that I struggle with. Sometimes I don't know how much it's ok for me to share.

Rapunzel · Jul 11, 2014, 02:53 PM

Talking to a friend is often a very good idea. You need to know your friends and have a feel for the context so that you feel like this person is safe to talk to and you are in a good place, etc. You could have BPD, but it also could be something else, so keep in mind that you don't know that you have that and might not want your friend to think of you with that label.

I remember being scared to death to talk to anyone. People tend to be a lot more accepting than you think they will be. There are exceptions. But it gets easier, and you might find that you have friends who can relate to how you are feeling. About one in three people have some kind of mental illness during their life time, and I think that is a very low estimate. I think that a lot more than that do but a lot hide it and don't admit to it or get any help.

The best way to end stigma is for people to be more open about it. If we heard about our friends going to therapy for anxiety or depression as much as we heard about it when they have to go to the doctor for strep throat, people would be more comfortable about mental illness because it wouldn't be some stranger out there anymore. It would be people that we all know and even like and care about.

Anyway, I cautioned you about BPD because I used to think that I had BPD and had a friend that I thought I could trust and her mother had BPD and I told her that I thought that I did, and she had bad experiences growing up with her mother and it turned her against me. And I don't have BPD. I have high sensitivity and problems with social skills and emotion regulation because I have Asperger's, but even though that was something I always felt like it described me, nobody was willing to entertain that idea. It is possible to have both. It was just a couple of years ago that I found a therapist who could recognize that what I have is Asperger's.

waiting4 · Jul 11, 2014, 03:23 PM

I agree with Rapunzel....if you choose to tell a friend, I would take baby steps until you are officially diagnosed....explaining you're under a lot of stress lately and feel you need to talk to someone objective and outside the 'familial unit/friend unit' but that you feel close enough with your friend to share what's going on with you. It's kind of like prepping your friend (testing the waters) for when and if you are diagnosed, no matter what the diagnosis is.

Just remember, you need not share everything right off...we do tend to get giddy when we think we've finally solved the riddle that has been us all our lives...so be careful. As Rapunzel said, you've not been diagnosed with anything (although, just as with me, all the symptoms seem there)...just try not to put the cart before the horse....really hard for the beast to pull that way, and most resent having to push the cart up hill! lol

You've got a plan...so act on it...remember, always that we are hear if you need to vent or share things you're not entirely comfortable sharing with your friend yet, until you are.

Take care...

Starlana · Jul 11, 2014, 04:34 PM

I have not had the Dx of BPD yet, but just realized I might have it last night in my Lifespan Development Class. Been researching it, and it seems to fit. The way they presented it in my Nursing courses was as a manipulative type of disorder. Now, after thinking I may suffer from this, I think that is completely false.

Kimaya · Jul 11, 2014, 07:14 PM

Seeing a therapist is responsible. Some people never see that, and they get to validate their actions by being able to say: "Im normal. Im not the one in therapy!"

Not true.... you are closer to wellness by being able to see you have a problem. Anyway there is tons of GL/comments but I will add mine: GL! And go you!

Lefty_Mac · 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by serolod

I'll try to squeeze 30 yrs of life in here, I need some advice so if you're willing to read it, thank you!

I've never been diagnosed borderline. I've never even seen a psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist. I'm 30 yrs old and I've gone through some terrible times that I won't go into here b/c reading through the forums, I see you've all been there.

I've been this way ever since I can remember, especially with the attachment issues, I always had them ever since I was very little. Then my family picked up and moved me to a new country when I was 12 and that really did a number on me. The pain was unbearable and everyday I thought I would die. I didn't know how but I was sure that the emotional pain would be enough to one day kill me. I never talked about it and my parents never thought there was anything wrong so I never got help.

Things didn't get really super bad until I started going out with my now husband when I was about 19. The crazy really came out and we went through some really intense times... thinking back, I have no idea why he stayed with me. Of course thrown in there were failed friendships, depression and just perpetual emotional pain. Up to this point I had no idea there could be something wrong with me. I chalked it up to being too sensitive or emotional or my mom being moody so then I must be too.

Anyway, thankfully hubby is good at expressing his feelings and even though I felt attacked for so long I started realizing some of the things he said actually made sense. It was me that wasn't making sense, which was nuts and took me years to come to terms with. He kept saying things that made me feel like my feelings (and reactions to those feelings) were wrong or extreme... but how could they be?? that's what I felt, how could they be wrong?? It hurt, it's what I felt! Don't tell me how to feel!

Anyway, I can write a thousand pages about that but I started doing some research online trying to understand what was going on. Are my feelings, actions, thoughts really not normal or inappropriate? Do other people not feel this way? WTH is wrong with me and why does it hurt so bad?? Nothing really made sense, I had some episodes of depression... but that wasn't it, that didn't explain ME.

I eventually came across BPD, and I couldn't believe what I was reading!! Everything made so much sense, it was like reading a book about my life. I never really self harmed, I thought about cutting all the time, but I only did it once. The only thing that stopped me was fear of my parents and/or my bf finding out. I've always been afraid of my parents knowing bad things about me. I never want to disappoint them... it's a huge fear I've always had, ever since I can remember, that's just how I grew up.

Since I was never diagnosed I can't say for sure I'm BPD, but reading about it helped me have a better understanding about myself and more importantly my reactions to certain things (who am I kidding, my overreactions to EVERYTHING!) I started trying to work on controlling my thoughts (for example, not getting angry if the bf said he'd call at 8pm but instead he called at 8:05pm).Of course that was nearly impossible as thoughts would race inside my head a million miles an hour and in those 5 minutes I'd have constructed full stories of why he didn't call and how he forgot about me and how he just didn't care. I hated him for it, we'd have huge fights, I'd cry all the time, and he would think I was insane for going off on him for no reason. This happened all the time.

One time I decided I would tell him I thought I had BPD. Mostly b/c I wanted him to read about it. I wanted him to read and understand that I didn't do stuff on purpose, that I wasn't making stuff up. That I felt these emotions so strongly that I couldn't control my reactions to them, that they were REAL TO ME. That I felt he was hurting me when he thought he wasn't doing anything wrong. I built up enough strength to send him an email... with links and all. I told him I'm sure I have BPD and to read about it. He replied "there's nothing wrong with you". And that was that.

Skip a whole lot of stuff and fastfoward to today, I've changed A LOT. Bf and I got married, I have a job, a house and a young baby. I still have to control my thoughts and my feelings. Relationships with frends are scary and I'm working on it.

Everything SEEMS ok. But I'm terrified! Sometimes I get exhausted... emotionally exhausted. I just can't do it. Like I have been going full steam for so long and I can't handle it anymore. What happens when I explode? What happens when I can't do it anymore? It's like this huge secret, this huge lie... trying to be normal so nobody knows the crazy inside my head. We've been super busy with the house and the baby and this and that... but there are certain things that send my emotions out of whack.

What happens when his friend decides to come visit?? I've always been the absolute worst when his friend is around. Thankfully he lives far away so we see him every few years. I hate him. I hate my husband when he's with him. Even when they're not doing anything wrong. i THINK I have a reason for hating him and feeling the way I do, but I'm not sure anymore. The first time I met him was over 10yrs ago and stuff that happened then is why I feel this way towards him and my husband with him. But I can't remember if I was being rational or not.

Hubby and I have not been communicating very well lately. We're having a bit of a bumpy road with the house and the baby and whatnot. I've tried to fix it (the communication)... but it's not the same. This makes me nervous b/c I might not know if I'm overreacting to certain things or if I'm f'ing things up. Also.. WORK. Work is VERY difficult sometimes. As in... it's difficult to even go to work. I do it.. but then I end up not doing much while I'm there (I'm there now!). I'm afraid one day I simply will NOT BE ABLE TO CONTINUE. It gets really tiring. BUt I keep going b/c otherwise we'd have no house and I want the best for my daughter (also my parents live with us too), but what happens when I just can't anymore?

I've contemplated seeing someone before (therapy). But then I'm doing so well that I think I'm fine. Until I become drained and feel like I can't hold it together anymore. Do you guys think therapy would be appropriate?

Things that deter me from seeing a therapist:

1.Having to discuss it with my husband/my parents. I'm "normal", there's nothing wrong with me. What would I even say? This is one of those things that would be nearly or just plain impossible for me to talk about. I don't know why, but the words just won't come out.

2.Spending money every week or every couple of weeks for a therapist stresses me out. I could use that for a,b, c. I went to yoga for a bit and even acupuncture to relieve stress. I stopped b/c the thought of spending that money stressed me more than just not going. Also the time that I'd spend away from home... not being with my daughter would stress me out too.

3.I don't need it. Do I need it? I've made a lot of progress without any professional help. What's to say I can't continue this way? Maybe I'm not even BPD. Or maybe I was, but I'm "cured". Maybe I can handle whatever is left over on my own. ??

4. Finally, and I just thought of this... we might want to adopt a child later on. I don't want anything to prevent me from doing that. I'm a little paranoid they'll say I'm not fit b/c of this or that.

NOBODY knows about this. Well, that's not true. One of my friends knows about it. She's BPD (and a whole lot of other stuff). She was diagnosed just a little while ago. It then made so much sense why we understood each other so well! Everybody else just thought she was nuts. Anyway, she's gone from bad to worse and couldn't continue working. She's moved out of the country so I only talk to her on occasion, but I never bother her with my issues as hers are much bigger than mine.

Therapy is the most important thing for our condition. Do seek immediately, and as much as I can. I know I feel even worse after I leave my therapy sessions, then I realize I learned something - EVERY TIME. And then I feel better. It will take years for me, bur so be it, it's the only way to improve myself and BE myself. So DO IT, SO YOU CAN BE YOURSELF. TRUST ME.

serolod · Jul 12, 2014, 04:07 PM

I think I might mention it to a friend, but I definitely won't call it anything. I know what labels can do to people. Plus like you guys said,I don't have a dx anyway.

Thanks for the support, it's very much appreciated.

LemonZest35 · Jul 13, 2014, 07:47 AM

Wow, I can relate to soooo much of what you've said here (I moved when I was 12, too, and it was awful and I still remember how terribly painful that time was... And I met my husband when I was 19... And I manage to live a life that looks pretty normal... High functioning is what my therapist has called it...)

This is just my own opinion, but I think pretty much everyone could benefit from some amount of therapy. It's just a good opportunity to reflect, identify changes that you want to make, and then make those changes alongside someone who's there to support you without judging you. So... Yeah, it might be worth a try. At the very least, it's wonderful to have a place to go and just vent during more stressful times.

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serolod · Jul 13, 2014, 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LemonZest35

Wow, I can relate to soooo much of what you've said here (I moved when I was 12, too, and it was awful and I still remember how terribly painful that time was... And I met my husband when I was 19... And I manage to live a life that looks pretty normal... High functioning is what my therapist has called it...)

This is just my own opinion, but I think pretty much everyone could benefit from some amount of therapy. It's just a good opportunity to reflect, identify changes that you want to make, and then make those changes alongside someone who's there to support you without judging you. So... Yeah, it might be worth a try. At the very least, it's wonderful to have a place to go and just vent during more stressful times.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

How do your husband and family feel about your diagnosis being that you live a more or less "normal" life? I hate that the one time I tried to reach out to my husband he said "there's nothing wrong with you". That bothers me, because I know there's something wrong and I was trying to have him listen but he didn't.

Just wondering what your experience has been with the husband. :-)

Thanks!

Fuzzybear · Jul 15, 2014, 12:29 PM

woundedsoul · Jul 16, 2014, 08:09 AM

I know what your going through. And I definitely think that you need to see a therapist. You're number 1 concern has to be getting you well. If you don't take care of you first, how can you take care of anyone else? You have to learn how to deal with the things from your past, and the things in your present and future. They will teach you coping skills that you need to live a happy, healthy life. And the money will be well worth it. It's your mental health. It's just as important as your physical health. You sound a lot like me. So if you ever need someone to talk to, just send me a message. I'd be happy to talk anytime.

serolod · Jul 16, 2014, 02:07 PM

I've been looking for a therapist the last 2 days (although I haven't told my husband yet). It's so difficult! I finally found somebody who seems like she deals with the kinds of problems I have, and she's nearby. But, she's going on vacation for a month (not too bad) and she doesn't really have evening or weekend hours which is tough for me b/c I work during the day.

I can't seem to like anyone else. I'm not even sure I know what I'm looking for though. I've been looking for someone with experience with personality disorders, but since I haven't been diagnosed borderline maybe that's not what I should be looking for? idk. I do figure if they're experts in personality disorders they can at least tell me if I have one or not.

I've also been limiting myself to women therapists. Maybe I should look at men too? idk either. I can't see myself pouring my heart out to a guy, but who knows. But what if I get attached to the female therapist... after all, it's always females I get the crazy attachments to. So confused!!!

Lefty_Mac · Jul 17, 2014, 04:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by serolod

I've been looking for a therapist the last 2 days (although I haven't told my husband yet). It's so difficult! I finally found somebody who seems like she deals with the kinds of problems I have, and she's nearby. But, she's going on vacation for a month (not too bad) and she doesn't really have evening or weekend hours which is tough for me b/c I work during the day.

I can't seem to like anyone else. I'm not even sure I know what I'm looking for though. I've been looking for someone with experience with personality disorders, but since I haven't been diagnosed borderline maybe that's not what I should be looking for? idk. I do figure if they're experts in personality disorders they can at least tell me if I have one or not.

I've also been limiting myself to women therapists. Maybe I should look at men too? idk either. I can't see myself pouring my heart out to a guy, but who knows. But what if I get attached to the female therapist... after all, it's always females I get the crazy attachments to. So confused!!!

No, unforunately you'll have to rely on LUCK, nor gender and NOGOD forbid that you choose a specialist - ''specialists-shmecialists''....

waiting4 · Jul 17, 2014, 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by serolod

I've been looking for a therapist the last 2 days (although I haven't told my husband yet). It's so difficult! I finally found somebody who seems like she deals with the kinds of problems I have, and she's nearby. But, she's going on vacation for a month (not too bad) and she doesn't really have evening or weekend hours which is tough for me b/c I work during the day.

I can't seem to like anyone else. I'm not even sure I know what I'm looking for though. I've been looking for someone with experience with personality disorders, but since I haven't been diagnosed borderline maybe that's not what I should be looking for? idk. I do figure if they're experts in personality disorders they can at least tell me if I have one or not.

I've also been limiting myself to women therapists. Maybe I should look at men too? idk either. I can't see myself pouring my heart out to a guy, but who knows. But what if I get attached to the female therapist... after all, it's always females I get the crazy attachments to. So confused!!!

Keep plodding along...it took 3 rejects to find the therapist that I feel most comfortable with..female, but it wouldn't have mattered had the T been a man. I don't 'go crazy' on someone unless I'm in a 'love' relationship with them.

It is a bit of luck, involved, but try to be patient. You'll find the person who works best for you.

serolod · Jul 18, 2014, 10:58 AM

Thanks. I have an appointment for next Wednesday with a female therapist. I told a friend about going to therapy (I didn't say why) She was surprised. Said she's so confused b/c I seem to be so happy, calm and in control. HAH!! Anyway, now I'm nauseous and nervous. Telling her just made everything real.

waiting4 · Jul 18, 2014, 11:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by serolod

Thanks. I have an appointment for next Wednesday with a female therapist. I told a friend about going to therapy (I didn't say why) She was surprised. Said she's so confused b/c I seem to be so happy, calm and in control. HAH!! Anyway, now I'm nauseous and nervous. Telling her just made everything real.

That's what usually happens (first reaction) to both making the appointment...first step...and to telling someone...you're right. It makes it real.

Try not to worry too much, just remember you'll feel so much better once you've gone the first time. Also remember the first appt doesn't have to be about you unloading everything you've been feeling all this time....it's sort of a 'get to know you session' so you can learn about your T and she can evaluate how your feeling, and that information is usually gained with a much less formal interview. (of course if you DO want to vent, I'm sure you will be accomidated!)

I would also recommend making a few notes of things you particularly want to make her aware of, so you don't forget (I've forgotten to do that before and felt like an idiot because I didn't want to call my T and say 'oops' but I hated having to wait another two weeks to see her).

Good luck and please keep us posted on your progress!

trying2survive · Jul 19, 2014, 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by waiting4

That's what usually happens (first reaction) to both making the appointment...first step...and to telling someone...you're right. It makes it real.

Try not to worry too much, just remember you'll feel so much better once you've gone the first time. Also remember the first appt doesn't have to be about you unloading everything you've been feeling all this time....it's sort of a 'get to know you session' so you can learn about your T and she can evaluate how your feeling, and that information is usually gained with a much less formal interview. (of course if you DO want to vent, I'm sure you will be accomidated!)

I would also recommend making a few notes of things you particularly want to make her aware of, so you don't forget (I've forgotten to do that before and felt like an idiot because I didn't want to call my T and say 'oops' but I hated having to wait another two weeks to see her).

Good luck and please keep us posted on your progress!

good point, you took the words right out of my mouth!