[Angelique67]

I can't imagine how rough that was, Britneigh. I once found a dead cat in the street and was horribly shaken the whole day. Even though I didn't know who it was.

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

I feel trapped and alone and I'm falling into a pit of depression...again. I'm just so tired, I wish someone would notice and not leave me alone.

[freckles33]

Feeling completely drained today. My relationship has been basically over for a month, although we are still living together..... very difficult when I love him so much and he has been very distant. Last night we seemed to make a breakthrough and I see hope at us working things out. This might be a false hope.... again, but I'm clinging to it. It has only been within the last week or so that we suspect I am suffering from BPD. At first he was ready to walk immediately, but the more we learn about it, the more understanding he seems to be. I stuck with him and helped him through a bought of severe depression, and I've been trying to deal with my son with ASD and his regressions in behavior. Feeling very overwhelmed and drained. Wish I had more support at home.

My T said she doesn't feel I'm very borderline. (She used different words but that was the gist.)

Was she just saying that because she wants me to stop identifying as my diagnosis? Or am I getting better? Or was my first Pdoc just a total idjut? Maybe it's just because I'm not in a relationship right now?

I don't know where to go with this.

[SeekerOfLife]

I have ADHD and have been limiting myself as far as what I can do based on my diagnosis. I am beginning to realize that I am hindering myself in what I can accomplish due to this outlook.

[XSleepingSiren21X]

I'm really feeling stressed about my new job. I just left to go get stuff and paperwork taken care of and was told I wasn't supposed to work today because my supervisor wasn't there and he nor anyone told me that, so I came in for really nothing. Then 30 minutes later I get a call from my supervisor saying he wanted me to come in after I just got home. Uuughh!

Ever since the day I filled out my app there everything's been a mess, no one is organized, especially my supervisor, no one seems to mind me working right away. I was supposed to work two weeks ago, but it seemed they kept running into problems with my references and it's just stressful and I'm getting really heavy anxiety over it all. I feel like they really don't want me to work or are procrastinating and it's making my anxiety over it all even worse by the day.

I wish I could live to not work at all!

[Espresso]

How can I get better if I don't know what's wrong? I fly between the extremes of "I'm a complete lunatic" and "I'm perfectly normal", and so sometimes I don't think there's even anything to fix. And then sometimes I'm in so much pain that I want to scream for someone to come help me... but with what? I don't know.

Originally Posted by Espresso

How can I get better if I don't know what's wrong? I fly between the extremes of "I'm a complete lunatic" and "I'm perfectly normal", and so sometimes I don't think there's even anything to fix. And then sometimes I'm in so much pain that I want to scream for someone to come help me... but with what? I don't know.

I feel exactly the same!!!

[allme]

Today is ok I guess....no drama so that's a start....just spent the day cleaning the house and myself which were both over due! Why do I find it so hard to take a shower..I feel great after a shower but without encouragement from my hubby, I don't think I'd even bother! If I have to see ppl (which is rare cause I work from home) I make sure I am clean but if sat in the house by myself I just don't bother. Anyway......

[icy_caccoon]

Can't wait for therapy tomorrow..so I can tell him how u stable I've become since our last session.
Anxious mess, no direction, extreme sadness about being 31 and a nobody with no one. Just my illnesses..

[Espresso]

Originally Posted by allme

Today is ok I guess....no drama so that's a start....just spent the day cleaning the house and myself which were both over due! Why do I find it so hard to take a shower..I feel great after a shower but without encouragement from my hubby, I don't think I'd even bother! If I have to see ppl (which is rare cause I work from home) I make sure I am clean but if sat in the house by myself I just don't bother. Anyway......

I know what you mean about the shower! I used to shower every day, but now I've whittled it down to three days a week.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Thinking about myself and the way I look and dress. My T and I were discussing it the other day. If I had to guess I think I probably look like I might be a lesbian.

For instance, at the moment, I am wearing Dr Marten's Industrial work boots. I have put red laces on them. I am wearing off white cargo shorts that used to be trousers. I have my work box cutter clipped onto my shorts. I am wearing an old brown t-shirt that says something in Spanish. I have long curly brown hair pulled back in a ponytail. Legs unshaven. Finally, no make-up and no jewelry.

The reason I am mentioning this is because I am so afraid of being judged but I don't look like a "normal" 43 year old woman. I have so many ideas as to why I'm like this but I don't know why really.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

Thinking about myself and the way I look and dress. My T and I were discussing it the other day. If I had to guess I think I probably look like I might be a lesbian.

For instance, at the moment, I am wearing Dr Marten's Industrial work boots. I have put red laces on them. I am wearing off white cargo shorts that used to be trousers. I have my work box cutter clipped onto my shorts. I am wearing an old brown t-shirt that says something in Spanish. I have long curly brown hair pulled back in a ponytail. Legs unshaven. Finally, no make-up and no jewelry.

The reason I am mentioning this is because I am so afraid of being judged but I don't look like a "normal" 43 year old woman. I have so many ideas as to why I'm like this but I don't know why really.

I just feel the need to be clear, I am pro LGBT.

[allme]

Having a mixed morning so far..had some good news from work but again, my hubby told me what an effect my temper has on him. I lost my temper again last night. The talk he had with me was heart breaking...why do I forget all this at the point I feel anger. I feel as though anger is separate entity inside of me...the words and actions of the angry me totally contradicts what I stand for and how I wish to treat ppl.

I totally feel as though a different person takes over...I know why I get so angry and I know how I should to proceed to make it better, but for the life of me, I can't!

I am looking for anger management courses today. Something has got to change. I just hope the damage I have caused my hubby is reversible.

lacking motivation an di have assignments and exams coming out of my ears ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Uhhhhhhhhh

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I've just done the dumbest thing in years & years. I took 3mg of Klonopin and then decided that I just could not do my day today without weed so I left work to get it at home. Then on the way back to work probably smoking. I fell asleep at a traffic light twice and twice my reaction time almost caused an accident. I am ashamed of putting others at risk, not worried about myself. I don't know if I will tell my T because he will just take the klonopin away from me.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

***TRIGGER ***SI

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

I've just done the dumbest thing in years & years. I took 3mg of Klonopin and then decided that I just could not do my day today without weed so I left work to get it at home. Then on the way back to work probably smoking. I fell asleep at a traffic light twice and twice my reaction time almost caused an accident. I am ashamed of putting others at risk, not worried about myself. I don't know if I will tell my T because he will just take the klonopin away from me.

I've decided that I'm going to tell my T what I did today. I also did some self harm.

[Crazy Hitch]

Urrrghhhh I slept so badly last night ... As I have many nights in a row ... Getting tired of it ....

[cryingontheinside]

Me too. I notice everthing is hightened during these times when i cant get the sleep that i need. My anxiety and paranoa increases as well as feeling very low.

[Espresso]

I'm tired. I have too much to do tomorrow. But at least when I'm busy, I don't have time to think about all the stupid stuff I've done.

[Britneigh]

Its really hard to realize how little you actually matter to someone...you only exist when something is needed or you do something wrong. Not a word is spoken unless its "do this" or "hey can you..." it hurts. But its my life. I don't know where else to go, what else to do. I simply exist, float through day after day. I work, I sit in my room hiding away in books and music, alcohol and food. I was feeling alright till I came to this conclusion. So goes my life. I don't have to work today so I don't think I'll be leaving my room.

[jeremiahgirl]

It's my first time replying to this thread and I like the fact that there's such a thread for us who are needing daily support and a listening ear! Thank You for the thread!
I've been going through a roller coaster of emotions and frustration with Rheumatoid Arthritis medications vs BPD meds. The side effects from RA meds are like chewing on barb-wire! Daily migraines vs new med to counter the migraines!!! Which makes me feel like I'm floating! Lol! I'm really fed up with it all! Im not a happy camper, too many critters in the night!!!�� I called my therapist yesterday and told him I feel like a monkey swinging from lim to lim. �� I am better but I hate the periodical headaches from the RA med. I'm trying to be positive in a negative world. ��

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

***TRIGGER ***SI

I've decided that I'm going to tell my T what I did today. I also did some self harm.

I did tell my T and it went Ok. He just reiterated that it could've turned out much worse. Reminded me that I just move on from there.

[Espresso]

I don't know where I stand. I fantasize about killing myself. And I fantasize about [my mental/emotional issues] being fixed. I'm sitting here wanting to rip my hair out, shred my wrists, and drink myself into oblivion. I'm in agony, but I don't know why. All I want is for someone to save me from this, to come and say, "I see you, I see your pain, I know why you feel like this, and I can help you fix it." Is that too much to ask? "Current takes me, breath escapes me, inducing coma sleep. Close my eyes, I'm paralyzed, finally at peace."