Feeling impulsive but I'm okay.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Was pretty even at work today. Now that I'm home I'm feeling down again. Already started thinking about doing stupid s***.

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

I have to get up and go drive over an hour to my "boyfriends" house so I can pick up my stuff before the inevitable break up happens. I think I've already broken up in my head, just waiting for him to man up and come to the same conclusion. It's going to be awkward and I'll probably cry the whole hour or so home.

Originally Posted by Bubbles&Buttercup

I have to get up and go drive over an hour to my "boyfriends" house so I can pick up my stuff before the inevitable break up happens. I think I've already broken up in my head, just waiting for him to man up and come to the same conclusion. It's going to be awkward and I'll probably cry the whole hour or so home.

Why are you breaking up?

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

Why are you breaking up?

He's being a giant douche. He's been acting like this for a while now but I've been sticking out cos I knew he was having a hard time with work and his housemates, but I keep putting up with it and he keeps doing absolutely nothing to fix it and ends up hiding away in his room and ignoring my texts and getting angry about everything.

So I told him I was coming to get my stuff regardless of what happens, and we're going to discuss things again in a week, I'm giving him a last chance to start making some effort..

[Espresso]

Drunk as ****. I wish I could kill myself. What a relief it would be. I've been miserable for the last 15 years, which is more than half of my life. Why the hell should I continue? I don't want to be responsible for keeping myself alive. It's too much work.

[Britneigh]

What do you do when you sense your whole life falling appart? Apparently I'm super close to getting fired...aka I lose my horses, my job which I love more than life, the only sense of family I have right now, my home...I could keep going but I'm sure you get the jist. I've never felt so serious about giving up. If I get fired lose everything that keeps me going, everything that is my reason to wake up each day. How do you live when you lose your reason to breathe? I just hurt in so many ways right now...

[avlady]

i feel sick to my stomach, think i have a flu as i also have a sore throat

[avlady]

Britneigh, do you know whats causing it or is it just a feeling or thought?

[Britneigh]

My boss told me straight up. They feel like I have no respect which couldn't be further from the truth.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I had a revelation this morning. An "ah ha" moment that probably everyone knew but me.

I always hope that my T thinks about me from time to time. I've asked him if he does and he says matter of fact like, "No. Well sometimes I might say to myself, xxx is struggling again I'm going to need to see her. Other than that, no." He will go on to explain that he doesn't think about anyone. Not even family.

At the end of my last appointment I asked him if he'd think about me on my birthday. He laughed and said sure. I'll say happy birthday to you on your birthday in my head. The thought of this made me tear up as I left the office. "I meant enough to someone that they would think about me when I'm not around."

Yesterday I was hoping that my father would remember my birthday today. Now, I did post on his FB page yesterday that I was thinking about him and that I love him. I didn't mention my birthday. Just to be clear, it is nothing short than a miracle if my dad remembers any of his four daughters birthdays.

Just as i got to work today my dad replied to my FB message to him and wished me a happy birthday.

I cried, and cried, and cried.

I want my T to be what my father usually is not... attentive, thoughtful, and to think about me from time to time.
The best part was later, my dad called me at work to wish me hbd. I told him a couple times how important that was to me and how thankful I was.

[Angelique67]

Happy Birthday, achy turtle armor!!!

[avlady]

Happy Birthday!!!!!!

I had a job where they were watching me and I knew my time was limited before I got fired. I also knew my mind was going, but I didn't know why. I even told a few close friends I was "planning a nervous breakdown". I was the sole breadwinner, with a husband and 2 kids. I realized I had a plan. My job had done some layoffs already. I had recently been changed to a new team and it was stressful. I realized I needed accomodations-I have IBS and the new team got in the way of this because I was no longer working where bathrooms were accessible. I was also being ridden for my work, but had never been oriented to my new role. I have ADD, PMDD and anxiety (at the time I did not have BPD dx). I drew up ADA accomodations with my doctors. HR was very understanding and assured me I would get accomodations, but I knew better. I told them I would take a lay off and that is what I got. It was such a sigh of relief, I knew then I could let it happen and then begin the work to get out of the rabbit hole while we still had income. I held on just long enough.

[technigal]

Happy Birthday achy turtle armor

[Mindful55]

I am struggling. .life is hard and overwhelming lately. I see my pdoc next week, I am also searching for a new pdoc..He is arrogant, doesn't seem to listen. Ugh day

I feel ugly and depressed and alone and angry today. It sucks.

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

I've got absolutely no motivation at the moment, all I do is sit in bed and watch Criminal Minds and even moving to the couch to read a book seems too hard.
I'm also starting to get very irritable and angry at people which I haven't done in a while.

On the plus side, I've been single 2 days and I'm coping well with that.

[jeremiahgirl]

A bit tired but ok!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Espresso]

Sigh. The past couple weeks have been hellish. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions that I have absolutely no control over. If I'm alone, I can normalize to neutral or nothing. But put me in contact with another human, and I'm at the mercy of their words and actions. Any small comment or split-second facial expression can send me into a spiral of hell. Despair, anger, maybe anxiety. Other drivers on the road can send me into rages. So can waking up and finding the house messier than how I left it when I went to bed. I mitigate these reactions with my somewhat impulsive, mildly reckless behavior, some of which I have little to no control over. Life is a shitstorm. What is wrong with me?

[Mindful55]

Originally Posted by Espresso

Sigh. The past couple weeks have been hellish. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions that I have absolutely no control over. If I'm alone, I can normalize to neutral or nothing. But put me in contact with another human, and I'm at the mercy of their words and actions. Any small comment or split-second facial expression can send me into a spiral of hell. Despair, anger, maybe anxiety. Other drivers on the road can send me into rages. So can waking up and finding the house messier than how I left it when I went to bed. I mitigate these reactions with my somewhat impulsive, mildly reckless behavior, some of which I have little to no control over. Life is a shitstorm. What is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you..
I have the same feelings
Take care

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I want to share a really nice text I got from a friend yesterday.

" Every day that I pull into this parking lot and see your car, it puts a huge smile on my face. I was so afraid that we were going to lose you. I've been wanting to tell you this for awhile. You are so loved!!!"

I hope that I can use this thought to keep me going when I don't want to try anymore.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Doing a couple tye-dyes today. If they look ok I'll post pictures.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I liked this one best.

[SeekerOfLife]

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

I liked this one best.

Very cheerful! I like it.