[shezbut]

I'm feeling anxious, excited & a bit paranoid. I *hope* that my paranoia is simply that & not wisdom trying to catch myself from making a huge mistake. Crossing my fingers and toes for good luck!

My ex has found his newest target. If I were a more impartial observer I would be fascinated. The speed he moves, the way I can almost quote him word for word. (His tactics are exactly the same.)

But I'm not and I hate myself for feeling jealous.

Instead I go out for the first time in forever hoping to numb him out. How did that go?

I almost gave myself a panic attack being paranoid about people laughing/staring/talking about me and I'm nowhere near drunk enough to make me numb.

I can't win.

[Britneigh]

You know what's fun? Spending holidays on your own. I'm feeling weak as it is aafter a very bad night the other night so coping in a healthy way isn't my plan for the day. Instead I'll enjoy a healthy thanksgiving meal of chips and vodka and cranberry juice.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Sitting on a friend's patio this morning. Did some dog sitting this weekend. Enjoying a can of coffee & some weed. Planning on getting out of here by 11:30. Dropping the car off at the house for my H and making a repeat of last weekend. 11:30 - 4 @ the gym in my neighborhood. I just walk there from the house. It's only ½ a mile.

I expect to be possibly divorced in the next few weeks. I can't believe how things ended. We were married for 6 years as of 3 days ago. 10.09.08-10.??.14

That's depressing me.

Interestingly enough I have thought about asking him to dinner several times lately because I want to feed him, like a homeless person or something. That's sorta weird. I'm actually the one that is homeless at the moment but I'm the only one working so I have money & he only has what I've given him.

The thing I find most depressing is that I think I am the only person who loves him. Seriously...



There. I did it. I felt my f***ing feelings. I sat with them. I let them flow, come & go. Now I'm all snotty & my face is red from crying. The weed didn't numb my feelings this time. Hmmm.

I need to get going.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Britneigh

You know what's fun? Spending holidays on your own. I'm feeling weak as it is aafter a very bad night the other night so coping in a healthy way isn't my plan for the day. Instead I'll enjoy a healthy thanksgiving meal of chips and vodka and cranberry juice.

Happy Thanksgiving! That will be me in a month or so. Then it's over... Until... The next holiday.

[SeekerOfLife]

Originally Posted by Britneigh

You know what's fun? Spending holidays on your own. I'm feeling weak as it is aafter a very bad night the other night so coping in a healthy way isn't my plan for the day. Instead I'll enjoy a healthy thanksgiving meal of chips and vodka and cranberry juice.

Dont feel too bad. I spend every holiday alone.

[cryingontheinside]

I feel really down. At rock bottom.

[cryingontheinside]

I wish i was dead

[Angelique67]

Bad news. Bad bad news.

[Espresso]

Originally Posted by Britneigh

You know what's fun? Spending holidays on your own. I'm feeling weak as it is aafter a very bad night the other night so coping in a healthy way isn't my plan for the day. Instead I'll enjoy a healthy thanksgiving meal of chips and vodka and cranberry juice.

I wish I could invite you here!

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

I wish i was dead

if it's ok...

Calmer. Hoping it will last.

[Angelique67]

I feel horrible. I have restless leg in my spine, is that akathisia?

[Crazy Hitch]

I just ate a big fat slice of mud cake heated up with cream

[Britneigh]

I think I'm going to quit my job. I don't have anywhere to go if I quit and don't have any other jobs but I feel like I'm not wanted here anymore and like I'm more annoying than anything. I don't know. Maybe it's just my effed up thinking...but I feel just like I don't belong. Like my boss doesn't want me here anymore. Quiting means I need to sell my three horses which might kill me...maybe I should just do the world a favor and get rid of myself and atop burdening everyone with my pathetic self. I'm sure everyone would be happier and would be just fine without me. I have no importance

[SeekerOfLife]

Britneigh, you ARE important. New jobs & responsibilities are hard. I have so much appreciated the things you have to say. And no one is going to love your horses like you do.

[Espresso]

Ugh. Why do I have to suffer because other people are irresponsible? It's not my fault! Seriously! I make that claim a lot, but this wasn't my job to do and I don't have the necessary information to complete it anyway. So why is he mad at me? The frustration and injustice of it all makes me want to hurt myself.

[Crazy Hitch]

Husbands taking me out for dinner and movies. Gave me an excuse to get out of my trashy hanging around the house clothes, put a nice dress on and some make up .... Gees I don't leave the house often enough .......

Now even the bulimia is rearing its ugly head.

Talk about losing my ****.

[Britneigh]

I found one of the horses dead in the field. I can't function.

[Angelique67]

Hello to everyone. A dead horse would ruin my day completely (maybe my month). So sorry to hear that.

[SeekerOfLife]

Originally Posted by Britneigh

I found one of the horses dead in the field. I can't function.

Britneigh, I am so sorry to hear about your horses death. I am just a beginning rider. So I can only imagine.

[Espresso]

I've been coasting along. La dee da.

[cryingontheinside]

Im actually feeling good for a change. YAY!

[Britneigh]

Thanks guys it was was a really rediculously draining and emotional. Cody wasn't mine, he belonged to my boss but all of the horses I work with are like mine...so it wasn't easy. I'm feeling a bit better today. I'm off so I'm just laying around. I wanted to go riding but it's raining.