Very darkly sad today.

[Espresso]

Originally Posted by Britneigh

Sad and lonely. It's become all to familiar of a feeling to me. I'm always alone. I've had a few angry outbursts lately as well. I dunno. I don't know who I am anymore or what I feel.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Every time I go shopping, I plan to buy alcohol because I love being able to disappear into drunkenness. But each time, I resist because I think "you don't need that, you don't need to get drunk, it's a waste of money," and then every evening I regret not buying it. I wish you could get alcohol delivered.

According to the the interwebs in a BPD v NPD relationship the BPD is supposed to come out on top. Clearly I'm not doing this borderline thing right.

I just want to bang my head on a wall until I force amnesia. Why can't I get him out?!

[nymphea]

Had an emotional rollercoaster of a week, but I'm coping now.

[Britneigh]

Does anyone else read postsecret each week?

I had a pretty okay day. I'm having some health issues at the moment though...it's been that time of the month for over two weeks now...I feel like I should be more concerned than I am. Sorry if that's tmi.

[Espresso]

I'm lonely. I'm bored. I'm hungry. Life is boring. Same thing day in and day out. No real point to any of it.

I meant nothing to him. Nothing.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Today is Monday and the beginning of my work week. My goal this week is to abstain from weed until Friday, after work. I am running low but also it is a good time to get clear in my head and back to reality... which sucks sometimes.

A couple of months ago my T tells me that I am hiding in smoke. That it's dangerous to take long vacations from reality. Of course last Thursday I told him that I am smoking a lot, minus my appointment day. He just shrugged it off and said, "You're going through a hard time."

[Espresso]

It's amazing how crappy this day has been so far. I'm angry and frustrated.

I'm not doing well at all. I'm barely keeping my head above water--I have the energy to keep up with school and work, and that's it. My mood is terrible right now, I don't have the energy to do more than throw some workout clothes on in the morning and head to class, and I feel like I'm slogging through deep water most of the time. I'm actively pushing most people away, and I think just about everyone I know either thinks I'm crazy, too negative, "different," or just a terrible person. I literally have no support system right now. I'm no stranger to this, and this is the time of year when it usually hits (I dread October), but it never gets easier, and I never have an action plan in place because there is just no one in my life who gives enough of a s--t to form one with me. Been going to some really dark places in my mind.

[shezbut]

I am questioning myself. My reasoning. Thought processing ability. Whether or not I am able to fulfill new ideas that I've completely jumped into. Huge steps have been taken...which is very new for me, but there may also be major negative impacts as a result.

[XSleepingSiren21X]

I'm feeling depressed for the first time in a long time, I haven't felt this weak for a while, I don't miss the feeling at all.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I sometimes think, if my co-workers knew how crazy & angry I can get... Well I think they'd be less likely to eff with me. I really came close to ***** slapping this woman I work with.

Originally Posted by XSleepingSiren21X

I'm feeling depressed for the first time in a long time, I haven't felt this weak for a while, I don't miss the feeling at all.

I completely understand all of this. Big hugs. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

[Britneigh]

Pushing people away knowing I'm crashing.

[nicoleb2]

I had "graduated" out of the bpd label for a few months (while pregnant and a couple months after).
Now I feel like it is back and stronger than ever. I want to SI all the time, I can't cope with people I just want to crawl in a hole and hide.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I had "graduated" out of the bpd label for a few months (while pregnant and a couple months after).
Now I feel like it is back and stronger than ever. I want to SI all the time, I can't cope with people I just want to crawl in a hole and hide.

I've done the same thing, minus the baby, but I am in the process of crawling my way out again. I think it is easier this time because of the skills I have now that I didn't have before. You can do it.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I'm not doing very well with friends lately... I think I'm done talking.

[XSleepingSiren21X]

It's day two of my on and off depression and all I want to do is sleep all day and starve myself because I'm to weak to eat. I forced myself though even though I could hardly stomach it.

I woke up this morning feeling fresh and well and with a renewed sense of purpose. Whatever cloud was over my head is currently gone, which is good because I neither have the time nor the option to break down; it's the end of the quarter and I have finals next week, then the beginning of the new quarter and a new clinical rotation. Thankful for a small handful of positive people and a great family doctor (no pdoc or T at present--simply can't afford them while in school) to lean on.

[Bill3]

Misskeena, you are doing great!

I've probably said this before but I honestly feel that I could willingly give up all chance at happiness if it meant I didn't have to hurt anymore.

[Espresso]

I was angry, very angry. And I was extremely frustrated. Then I was sad and depressed. And now I'm still depressed but I feel nothing except hopelessness. And I have nowhere to turn. I'm a worthless piece of **** and I'm completely alone. I don't belong here, I don't belong anywhere. Everyone has always hated me. I'm a failure. I've always been a failure. I hate myself.

[Bill3]

(((((Espresso)))))

[XSleepingSiren21X]

Got a job today working as a Dietary. I'm a little nervous about starting and at the interview, since I was hired on the spot, I had a bit of on and off anxiety. Hopefully I'll make it count though, I will start next week and get to work in the kitchen mostly instead of serving or working with people so I'm hoping I don't feel pressured or stressed.

Otherwise, I've had a great day, I also got to go swimming and have fun.