[Achy Turtle Armor]

Imagine this... You're a delivery person and you are traveling down the highway over the speed limit because you have a lot of stops to make. Suddenly, in front of you, blocking the far left lane you have a driver on thier cell phone who's not paying attention. The middle lane is a sight seeing couple who are oblivious to things around them. In the far left lane you have 5 or 6 cars broken down.

So, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, no matter how loud you shout, no matter how many times you beep your horn... You are not going to be able to get your job done.

This what I feel like Monday thru Friday. :-(

Oh and the police... Well they are busy eating doughnuts.

[JadeAmethyst]

grrrrrrrrr today, just grrrrrrrr

[Shiznit86]

Possible trigger:

My wife decided to leave me today because of my MI. I dont know what to do. I'm having suicidal thoughts i am heartbroken

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Nothing needs to be done right now except possibly reaching out to someone in real life. Posting here was an excellent decision but that doesn't mean ending your life is the best decision. Just stop. Breathe. Talk to someone.

You're in a terrible state of mind. Ask yourself, would you buy a house right now? A car? Those are big decisions, just like suicide.

Be gentle with yourself. I don't know you, but I care about you. if it's ok.

[detachedangst]

I haven't been on PC in a long time. I have been avoiding reality and now it's time to fight for myself again. I forgot how good it feels to read posts from ppl who have the same struggles as me. So glad I have this to come back to.

Originally Posted by Shiznit86

My wife decided to leave me today because of my MI. I dont know what to do. Ive got the means to end my life resting nicely in my fridge, now im just trying to decide wether to inject it or not i am heartbroken

Oh God, I am so sorry for your loss, dear friend. I can't even begin to express my sympathy for you.

But, please, before you take your life, just wait a few days. I know, and you know, that it's going to hurt right now. This does not have to be the end of your life as well. Please wait a while before you make this permanent decision. Give life another chance.

I sincerely wish you relief from your pain, and I hope you will give life some time and reconsider your decision. This does not have to be the end.

Please feel free to write/PM me. I'm here to listen.

Originally Posted by detachedangst

I haven't been on PC in a long time. I have been avoiding reality and now it's time to fight for myself again. I forgot how good it feels to read posts from ppl who have the same struggles as me. So glad I have this to come back to.

Welcome back, detachedangst ! Yes, you will always have this forum be here for you.

It takes courage to admit that you were avoiding reality and that you feel the need to be here, which is great !

[Britneigh]

Things are looking up Found an apartment below my price range close to work (like a 5 minute drive) that is pet friendly so I can have another dog. Super stoaked. Also had 3 really good rides on horses today, jumped my mare 4' and she was a rock star. Over all no complaints. Truly happy right now

Originally Posted by Shiznit86

My wife decided to leave me today because of my MI. I dont know what to do. i am heartbroken

Hey there...I don't know you and I don't know exactly what to say. I had someone end a long-term relationship with me because of my MI, because I was pretty damn near impossible, and pushing them away. Without elaborating, I was in the same place you are right now. I can tell you from experience that it does get better. It does. It is really hard for a little while--but it gets better. And I still have my downs related to my MI, and people tell me "Remember, it never lasts, it gets better, just ride this out," and I'm like "***** that! It never gets better!" but it ALWAYS does! I promise you. I was feeling horribly just two days ago, in complete despair, didn't think I could go on. Today, I'm feeling okay. I'm so, so sorry this is happening to you. But please just take it one day, or even one moment at a time. Come here and post, go on chat, do what you need to do. Call a hotline. Go to the ER if you need to (call an ambulance, or the police if no one can take you). But keep persevering.

[jeremiahgirl]

Dear heartbroken, I'm so sorry your going through this rough part of your life. Many have posted their concern for you and your situation. Ending your life would only bring pain to your wife and those you have loved. Though it's typical to desire retaliation ending ones life "IT WOULD PERMEANT!" I know it hurts, but ending a God given life will be painful for those left behind. I would hope you could reach out to friends, or someone who can guide you at through this event. Is there a minister, close friend or a family member to stay with as you regain balance again?
Lastly, have you'll tried Counceling to resolve issues. Try these measures before thinking of ending your life.
We here care about everyone! No one is too low to help or support! Please stay in touch with us. I shall be praying for you and your family.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[chameleon_jogirl]

I'm feeling mostly upbeat today, although I'm aware of the hard work ahead of me later and having had no sleep will make it rather challenging. I'll have to be extra diligent with the slicers and knives at work. Will be striving to not return home with less digits!

[jeremiahgirl]

️

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Shiznit86]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I still havent decided what to do.
I am in counselling but my therapist just went into maternity leave. Will be back next january, so dont know whos gonna replace her, they have big shoes to follow.
I moved out of our house and in with my parents. Right now im just taking one day at a time.

Daniel

[yellowfever]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I am tired ~ but my girls don''t want to sleep tonight. Ugh! And they're getting up early in the morning too!

Oh noes 😞

I'm sorry that is happening sleep is very important too. My Rory is 14 months and she is keeping me awake as well. I hope you can get some rest

[yellowfever]

Originally Posted by Shiznit86

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I still havent decided what to do.
I am in counselling but my therapist just went into maternity leave. Will be back next january, so dont know whos gonna replace her, they have big shoes to follow.
I moved out of our house and in with my parents. Right now im just taking one day at a time.

Daniel

Take it day by day. You are in my prayers.

Feeling so-so. Trying to get some people together for my birthday (in three weeks) and it's not coming together the greatest. It would help if I had more close friends rather than just, "Hey! You there! We hung out a few times in 2009 and it was fun. Want to go out for my bday? " I'm too freaking old to still have problems navigating the social waters. I mean...I don't even have a boyfriend to rely on to be there. Jeez.



It may end up just being me, the kitties, a small cake, some adult beverage of sorts, and Netflix. (That actually doesn't sound awful...)

[Shiznit86]

Originally Posted by misskeena

Feeling so-so. Trying to get some people together for my birthday (in three weeks) and it's not coming together the greatest. It would help if I had more close friends rather than just, "Hey! You there! We hung out a few times in 2009 and it was fun. Want to go out for my bday? " I'm too freaking old to still have problems navigating the social waters. I mean...I don't even have a boyfriend to rely on to be there. Jeez.



It may end up just being me, the kitties, a small cake, some adult beverage of sorts, and Netflix. (That actually doesn't sound awful...)

I hope thinks work out for your birthday if not your always welcome to pm me, and ill also get a cake and we can celebrate your birthday togeter

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I hope that this is okay. I want to share a little bit of my last therapist appointment because I am happy with what I learned or... Finally heard. I also think that possibly someone else might learn something to use in their own life.

It had only been a week since I last saw my therapist and so I think he thought that it might be a walk in the park for him on Thursday, but it wasn't. I actually had thought earlier in the day that I wish I could tell him to prepare himself for a difficult session. I have been really angry again.

Basically I want to share that we talked a lot about my attachment to him. I cried a lot and he talked a lot about how unhealthy my obsession is. He is so good at his job and I am thankful for that. I'm still thinking about the things he said.

I really want to change my thinking about him. I want to catch myself having the unhealthy thoughts and then stop them. I already did so while writing this. He knows me very well. He is correct when he says that our relationship is very close. It is still only a therapeutic relationship and that is all it should ever be. I know this and finally accept it.

He is also correct that I am withdrawing from him after I have seen him. He is like a drug to me. The following is one of the most important things I got from him yesterday. Pretty much word for word thanks to him allowing me to record our sessions.

During a moment of silence after he had been speaking I caught myself looking at him in an unhealthy way. I think I get feelings that he is perfect and I adore him. I quickly looked away because I know it is bad for me. He knows me well enough that he caught me and my look. He said, "Don't let that happen!" I said, "I looked away." He repeated, "Don't let that happen. But you did it. You drank. You can't do it. Just like an alcoholic can't drink, you can't do what you just did. I'm not what you think I am. You're looking through me. You're looking into your head. You're not looking at me. You have some fantasy that's in your head. I can't measure up to... I wouldn't want to measure up to what you see me as. You're not chasing something that's authentic. You're OK without it. That's what I'm here to tell you. This is me talking, not your fantasy. Get going with your life. Go back to yoga, hang out with friends, play with your dogs, experience life. You won't be crying, you'll be laughing and enjoying life again. You can't get what you want from me. You can only pretend and it's making you worse. That's part of the anger you're experiencing at work because when you leave here you are withdrawing from me like a drug. So you get f***ed up. Just stop it. It won't hurt, it will feel good. This isn't an automatic thing. It's a conscious effort to attach to this image. I wasn't born beside you and you looked at me and you bonded from then. I came on later and it isn't even me, it's whoever sits in this seat. That therapist before me was a loon the way he'd spend 5 hours with you in session, take you to his home. It didn't matter though. He fit the bill. Do you see what you do?" I said, "Yeah. I know." He went on, "You're missing what I have to offer you. I wouldn't ask you to do something that you couldn't do. I wouldn't. I have so much to give you if you drop this and let me."

Thanks for reading this. I am really trying to let it all go and focus on myself.

-ata

[Britneigh]

Getting really excited to move out. Overwhelmed a bit still. But it's all coming together. Part of me feels like it's going too smoothly and something horrible is going to go wrong. But I am trying to tell that part to stfu and it'll all be alright. I found a dog as well. I won't pick him up till I'm all settled. But it's all set that he will be mine once I'm ready.

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

I hope that this is okay. I want to share a little bit of my last therapist appointment because I am happy with what I learned or... Finally heard. I also think that possibly someone else might learn something to use in their own life.

Hey, thanks for sharing this, Achy ! It is very interesting and helpful to others !

What your T says is absolutely right ! But, you need to realize that for yourself in your bones. He can say it a 1000 times and it won't matter till you know it's true. I guess, if I were in your shoes, I'd spend a lot of time contemplating what he said, coz those are golden words.

Ultimately, he's gonna go back to his home and his family, and you're gonna be left to go back to yours. So, instead of making him a part of your life (outside your T sessions), make someone else and something else (i.e. your friends, your dogs, your hobbies) a part of your life, that you can turn to, outside your T sessions.

You don't need to hear this, coz you already heard it from your T Please think long and hard about it !

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

Hey, thanks for sharing this, Achy ! It is very interesting and helpful to others !

What your T says is absolutely right ! But, you need to realize that for yourself in your bones. He can say it a 1000 times and it won't matter till you know it's true. I guess, if I were in your shoes, I'd spend a lot of time contemplating what he said, coz those are golden words.

Ultimately, he's gonna go back to his home and his family, and you're gonna be left to go back to yours. So, instead of making him a part of your life (outside your T sessions), make someone else and something else (i.e. your friends, your dogs, your hobbies) a part of your life, that you can turn to, outside your T sessions.

You don't need to hear this, coz you already heard it from your T Please think long and hard about it !

Agreed. I have been thinking on this a lot since Thursday but for a moment last night I asked myself, "is this positive contemplation or negative (obsessive)?" My answer is positive. I've been using this tactic, something else he suggested, for a few days too and what I noticed is for some reason I can't lie to myself about the answer.

For instance, last night I was craving something sweet so I stopped for a small Slurpee. When I was in the store I saw some Fritos and thought, "Yummy!" Then I thought, "is this a positive choice or a negative one?" I decided it was negative so I left them. When I went to check out, the cashier said, "That's all?" I said yes so she said, "It's on me."

Maybe I was being rewarded for the positive choice, maybe not, but I felt good about it all.

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

Agreed. I have been thinking on this a lot since Thursday but for a moment last night I asked myself, "is this positive contemplation or negative (obsessive)?" My answer is positive. I've been using this tactic, something else he suggested, for a few days too and what I noticed is for some reason I can't lie to myself about the answer.

For instance, last night I was craving something sweet so I stopped for a small Slurpee. When I was in the store I saw some Fritos and thought, "Yummy!" Then I thought, "is this a positive choice or a negative one?" I decided it was negative so I left them. When I went to check out, the cashier said, "That's all?" I said yes so she said, "It's on me."

Maybe I was being rewarded for the positive choice, maybe not, but I felt good about it all.

That's great ... I applaud you on that choice Very nice of the cashier, too !

I see something else about the interaction with the cashier. See, that small gesture of the cashier, is, in its rawest form, a human connection, that person touching you in some small way. And that's so nice ! Such interactions always leave me feeling warm inside and optimistic on the outside.

Great going !

[dancinglady]

****************SU trigger ************** I type this before I figured out the new system.
Maybe a moderator will put the right trigger warning on this one.

I am having serious SU thoughts and feelings. Sitting here trying to figure out ways to accomplish this goal. I think this long term aloneness with no hope of it improving has finally got to me. I will never be found and I know that. It will probably happen when my home starts really smelling bad.
Tonite I will be doing nothing about these feelings but the urge is extremely strong. I told my T this AM and he just wants me to let them pass. I called the helplines and crisis lines but they are so tired of hearing this from me, they want to throw up. I can forget the hospital, they would not admit, they will just send me home with more drugs. They only admit people who have families and friends who want to see their loved one improve, mine don't.

I understand that all of you are supportive but this is the internet. These are virtual hugs and kind words. I need people in my real life who care and this goal is not going to happen.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by dancinglady

****************SU trigger ************** I type this before I figured out the new system.
Maybe a moderator will put the right trigger warning on this one.

I am having serious SU thoughts and feelings. Sitting here trying to figure out ways to accomplish this goal. I think this long term aloneness with no hope of it improving has finally got to me. I will never be found and I know that. It will probably happen when my home starts really smelling bad.
Tonite I will be doing nothing about these feelings but the urge is extremely strong. I told my T this AM and he just wants me to let them pass. I called the helplines and crisis lines but they are so tired of hearing this from me, they want to throw up. I can forget the hospital, they would not admit, they will just send me home with more drugs. They only admit people who have families and friends who want to see their loved one improve, mine don't.

I understand that all of you are supportive but this is the internet. These are virtual hugs and kind words. I need people in my real life who care and this goal is not going to happen.

I'm sorry about the way you are feeling. I have spent a significant amount of time private messaging you on here. More than I have with any other member. I say this because I know that I don't know you in real life but I know a little bit about you. I would be sad to see you disappear. Honestly. Maybe you are thinking, "oh ata, get a life." I'm working on it.

Anyway, what caught my attention in your post are a couple lies that your mind is telling you.
1) The crisis line people are not tired of hearing from you. This is thier job and they wouldn't do it if they couldn't handle repeat callers. They might miss you if they didn't hear from you.
2) Hospitals are not in business to help only those who are loved and cared about.

If your boys don't want to see you get well maybe it is time to get out of your head and try a new hobby. Adult ed classes like pottery, knitting, writing, learning a new language. Maybe a yoga or meditation class? Church? AA meeting? They offer free hugs and free coffee. What more could you ask for? Something... Anything. You will meet people in real life that care. I promise.

Now, instead of repeating what I "said" to shiznit? recently maybe you can scroll up and read what some of us said?

I feel that urge to SU at times, maybe they are fewer and farther between but I know your pain. I know how to make plans, notes, and how to continue down that destructive path. I've made many attempts but I am glad I failed. Who would've been offering you tips on how to... Well, you know.

Anyway, I won't bother with a hug since 'it's not real' but I will say I hope you choose to change the direction you are heading.

P. S. Whatever happened to the plans to visit Colorado?

[dancinglady]

Thanks Achy. You are right it is good you failed cuz who would be giving me great advice like this. I guess we are all here for a reason, I am one of yours.